A big hello to all of you, and happy new year! :) Pardon me, but this chapter is much cruder than usual...the idea was suggested to me by a user on another site, and I couldn't walk away from it. Enjoy!
DR. LOVEJOY: How have you been keeping, Erik?
ERIK: I'm alive. Apart from that, things suck.
DR. LOVEJOY: …Anything in particular? How are things at work?
ERIK: I'm a genius forced to squash down my own brilliance to try and hammer some knowledge into idiot kids all day in the hope they learn something. How do you think they are?
DR. LOVEJOY: Fine, sorry for asking. How is PJ?
ERIK: *sigh* He's fine, but he wants me to take him to a football game sometime.
DR. LOVEJOY: Well, that's good news! You can spend some quality time together!
ERIK: I loathe sporting events.
DR. LOVEJOY: *undertone* Why am I even surprised?
ERIK: What's that?
DR. LOVEJOY: Nothing. How are Christine and Raoul?
ERIK: …
DR. LOVEJOY: Never mind. Erik, how have you been feeling in general?
ERIK: In general? Pissed off.
DR. LOVEJOY: Really? Have you been torturing the Raoul mannequin?
ERIK: So much so that I've actually had to rebuild it several times.
DR. LOVEJOY: I see. Been playing with Bucky and Ricky?
ERIK: I guess so, but—still pissed.
DR. LOVEJOY: For no reason at all?
ERIK: For none that I can think of.
DR. LOVEJOY: …Erik, out of curiosity, how long has it been since you…*hums indistinctly*
ERIK: What are you mumbling?
DR. LOVEJOY: When was the last time you got any, you know…action?
ERIK: What action?
DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* The last time you were with a woman?
ERIK: Well, I had a less than delightful encounter with a horrendous cashier at the grocery store—
DR. LOVEJOY: No, I mean the last time you were with a woman?
ERIK: …I still don't follow you.
DR. LOVEJOY: *inhales* One, two, three, four—
ERIK: Doc?
DR. LOVEJOY: Shut up…eight, nine, ten. *exhales* Erik, when was the last time you had intimate relations of a physical nature with a woman?
ERIK: Oh! That! Well, let me think…how old did we decide PJ is?
DR. LOVEJOY: I think we settled on twelve.
ERIK: All right, then, so that would be…twelve years and nine months. Ballpark estimate.
DR. LOVEJOY: …That's a really long time, Erik.
ERIK: You're telling me? And decades of total, frustrated, involuntary celibacy before that? Is it any wonder I have anger issues?
DR. LOVEJOY: Well, you know you can't pin all your aggression on your thwarted sex drive.
ERIK: Says who?
DR. LOVEJOY: My point is, I think you need to socialize more, go out on the town, sow some wild oats.
ERIK: Doc, at my age, none of my oats are that wild.
DR. LOVEJOY: Tell that to the phangirls.
ERIK: *spazzes* What! Where?
DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* Anyway, wild oats or rancid porridge, you need to have a fling.
ERIK: I'm going to ignore that initial, sleazy, uncalled-for comment, and just ask you if you've lost your mind.
DR. LOVEJOY: No, I haven't. Why?
ERIK: Well, I know you said "chicks dig me," but the only ones that are into a freak like me are the phangirls, and something tells me there's no having a fling with a phangirl when you're the Phantom himself.
DR. LOVEJOY: OK, you have a point there…but surely not all normal women are repulsed by you?
ERIK: Gee, thanks, doc.
DR. LOVEJOY: No, I mean, some of you aren't that bad-looking! You're telling me that Gerik can't get himself a date? And Julian Sands isn't even deformed, for Pete's sake!
ERIK: You say the J-S word again, and I'm feeding you to the ferrets.
DR. LOVEJOY: My point is, I really doubt you'll have a hard time picking up girls at a bar if you play your cards right.
ERIK: Well, so do I, but after that chump spewed on me at that dance club, I decided to never set foot in a bar again.
DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, come on! I'm trying to get you laid, here! Work with me a little! What do you think you're going to do, hire a hooker?
ERIK: …That's actually not a bad idea. Do you know anybody?
DR. LOVEJOY: *facepalm* Forget it. I give up.
ERIK: No, wait, I think I might have an alternative…*dials cell phone* Hi, it's me…Yeah, I know—
DR. LOVEJOY: That had better not be Christine.
ERIK: Shut up. *into phone* No, not you, I'm talking to the doctor…oh, sure. *to Dr. Lovejoy* Doc, she says hey.
DR. LOVEJOY: Who says hey?
ERIK: *into phone* So, I was thinking, are you busy tonight? ...I was wondering if you'd want to come over— *jumps, holds phone away from ear*
DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, what the hell is going on?
ERIK: Hang on, doc, I'm trying to close a deal. *holds phone to ear* Listen…listen…WOMAN, I SAID CHILL! …Thank you. Now, how about meeting me at that Italian restaurant downtown—yes, that one, in about an hour, then afterwards we can head back to my place…no, it's not like that, it's just sex— *jumps again, holds phone away from ear*
DR. LOVEJOY: Well, at least you've made your libidinous intentions clear.
ERIK: Shut up. *into phone* Great, see you then. *hangs up* Well, I gotta get ready, and maybe clean up around here a little, so I'll talk to you tomorrow, doc.
DR. LOVEJOY: Sure, but who was that on the phone?
ERIK: …Nobody.
DR. LOVEJOY: Was it Christine? Meg? Mme. Giry?
ERIK: No, no, and good God, no. Now get out of here.
DR. LOVEJOY: Fine, but I just want to say that I don't generally approve of casual sex and one-night stands.
ERIK: What are you talking about? This was your idea!
DR. LOVEJOY: Nevertheless, I don't approve, but I accept that as humans, we all have urges that must be satisfied on occasion for good overall health—
ERIK: Whatever, Mr. Rogers, just beat it.
DR. LOVEJOY: All right, all right, I'm going. Have fun, and be safe with whoever you're bringing back here. *leaves*
-next morning-
*knock knock*
ERIK: *opens door, tying belt of bathrobe* Doc, you're here kind of early, aren't you?
DR. LOVEJOY: It's a quarter after noon, Erik.
ERIK: Is it? Man, that was a late night…
DR. LOVEJOY: So, I trust things went well?
ERIK: Oh, hell yes. Come on in.
DR. LOVEJOY: Am I intruding?
ERIK: No, you're fine. *ushers Dr. Lovejoy into living room* Can I get you anything? I was just about to make some pancakes.
DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, uh…just a glass of water will be fine.
ERIK: Sure thing.
*gets water*
ERIK: Here you are, doc.
DR. LOVEJOY: Thanks. Are you finally going to tell me who your mystery woman was? *starts sipping water*
ERIK: Well, I would, but if you don't approve of one-night stands, you really wouldn't approve of this.
DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, God, it was Christine, wasn't it?
ERIK: No, it was—
FEMALE VOICE: Erik, who was that at the door?
*Gemma enters living room wearing nothing but a man's shirt*
DR. LOVEJOY: *spit take*
ERIK: Hey, watch the carpet!
DR. LOVEJOY: What—you mean—what the—her?
GEMMA: Nice to see you, doctor. Erik, after last night, I think I almost need a wheelchair! You don't mind if I borrow your shirt, do you?
ERIK: Nah. You look good in it.
GEMMA: I look better out of it. *wink*
ERIK: Very true…very true…
DR. LOVEJOY: Excuse me! Is someone going to tell me what the fu—
ERIK: Doc, calm down, and I'll tell you. You see, I got to thinking, who do I know who would come over at a moment's notice just to hook up?
DR. LOVEJOY: And you called Gemma?
GEMMA: Well, yeah. I knew he'd come back to me someday.
ERIK: I didn't want to take a chance on another phangirl, you see—
GEMMA: Because I'd shank that bitch faster than you can say "holy flying sheep in a shipwreck."
ERIK: And because I already know she's a freaking psycho. I know what I'm dealing with…Though once she gets a couple drinks in her, she's full of surprises—
DR. LOVEJOY: *covers ears* Lalalalalala not listening lalalalalalala—
ERIK: OK, OK, relax. I'm going to start coffee.
GEMMA: No, I'll do it. You need to sit and save your energy. *leaves room*
DR. LOVEJOY: *whispers* Are. You. Insane? There are millions upon millions of women who would leap at the chance to sleep with you, and you called Little Miss Looney Tunes?
ERIK: It's not such a big deal, you know. You noticed something different about her?
DR. LOVEJOY: …New glasses highlighting that spark of psychosis in her eyes?
ERIK: No, about her demeanor.
DR. LOVEJOY: Well, she seemed less high-strung and more sedate than the last time I saw her…
ERIK: That, doc, is what you call one satisfied woman.
DR. LOVEJOY: …So you're telling me that you both just needed to get off to take the edge off your crazy?
ERIK: Pretty much.
DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* All those hours we spent in therapy trying to fix you, and all it took was one booty call with a lunatic to straighten you out…
ERIK: I know, who would have guessed it? It was a damn good one, too. We went to dinner, we started talking over a few glasses of wine, we split some tiramisu, then we came back here and I let her play my organ. And this time I'm not talking about the musical instrument.
DR. LOVEJOY: *covers ears* Lalalalalalala—
ERIK: Fine, then, I'll leave out the pornographic details…but I'm telling you, we were just going at it like animals in mating season—
DR. LOVEJOY: *covers ears* Lalalalalalala—
ERIK: All right! I'll stop!
*Gemma comes back into living room*
GEMMA: Coffee's brewing. I'm going to jump in your shower, if that's all right.
ERIK: Go ahead.
*Gemma leaves room*
*water starts running in bathroom down the hall*
DR. LOVEJOY: …
ERIK: …
DR. LOVEJOY: …
ERIK: Hang on, I'll be back… *leaves room*
*silence*
*muffled music starts playing, "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" by Bryan Adams*
DR. LOVEJOY: Oh dear God… *leaves apartment*
-two weeks later-
ERIK: Doc, I need some advice on something.
DR. LOVEJOY: I'm all ears. What is it?
ERIK: Well…it's of a rather sensitive nature, and I feel awkward talking about it…
DR. LOVEJOY: Don't be embarrassed. You can tell me.
ERIK: *sigh* You see, lately I've been having some trouble…well, it's not trouble, exactly, but it's not pleasant…
DR. LOVEJOY: What is it?
ERIK: Well, I…whenever I go to, um, use the facilities—
DR. LOVEJOY: Hold it right there. Do I really need to hear this?
ERIK: Doc, please! It's a dire and delicate situation!
DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* Keep talking.
ERIK: Fine…well, when I have to…erm, urinate, it's sort of uncomfortable—
DR. LOVEJOY: *undertone* So is this conversation…
ERIK: That is, it's not so much of a relief as it is—what I mean to say—
DR. LOVEJOY: It burns when you pee?
ERIK: Well, I wasn't going to put it so crudely, but yeah. And also, I seem to be having some…discharge…
DR. LOVEJOY: …Discharge?
ERIK: For God's sake, doc, you don't have to repeat it! What the hell is going on with me?
DR. LOVEJOY: Well, Erik, it sounds to me like you have chlamydia.
ERIK: I have what?
DR. LOVEJOY: Chlamydia. It's a sexually transmitted disease—
ERIK: I know what it is! How did I get it?
DR. LOVEJOY: I would think the term "sexually transmitted" was explanation enough—
ERIK: I know how I got it! But where would I have—hold on. *dials cell phone* Me again…yes, I know. Look, I want you over here as fast as you can get here…don't get your panties in a bunch, I want to talk to you about something urgent….OK, great. *hangs up* Gemma is on her way over. I mean it, this time I'm gonna straight up push her off the balcony.
DR. LOVEJOY: Well, I could have told you nothing good would come of this, but I thought after a surprise pregnancy you would have at least taken advantage of modern technology and used protection. You and I really need to have a discussion about safe sex.
ERIK: Can it, doc, I'm not in the mood!
-fifteen minutes later-
*knock knock*
*door opens*
GEMMA: Erik, what's so urgent?
ERIK: Holy shit, woman, you gave me the clap!
GEMMA: …What?
DR. LOVEJOY: Chlamydia. It's a sexually transmitted—
GEMMA: I know what it is! But how…*storms over, grabs Erik by the collar* Spill it! Who is she?
ERIK: Who is who?
GEMMA: The filthy skanking whore you've been sleeping around with!
ERIK: What the hell are you talking about? I've slept with a grand total of two women my entire life, and there's only one I've been with recently!
GEMMA: So…it was me? But…I had no idea…
DR. LOVEJOY: Well, women don't have visible symptoms. It's called the silent epidemic, you know.
ERIK: So the question is, who have you been sleeping around with, missy?
GEMMA: No one! Not since…one second. *dials cell phone* EWAN! WHAT THE F&#%, MAN?
ERIK: …
DR. LOVEJOY: …
ERIK: So what do we do, doc?
DR. LOVEJOY: We take a trip to the clinic and see about getting this mess cleaned up. Then we all need to have a chat and teach you how to use a condom—
GEMMA: That means you, baby daddy.
DR. LOVEJOY: And lecture you about promiscuity.
ERIK: That means you, V.D. girl. Anyone else you've been doing the deed with lately?
GEMMA: No!...Well, I might have to warn Hadley…
ERIK: …
DR. LOVEJOY: …
If you liked it, you know what to do!