Anyway. This entire story was written inone afternoon. I'd been playing around with the idea in my head for quite a whil, ever since I read Lady Feylene's Some Day Out of the Blue, in which Remus contemplate's killing himself. And I wondered what Severus' reaction would be if he did it.
This is my veiw. It's written in the first person, which is bizarre for me, and in the present tense, which is even more so - I don't think I've done it before. tell me what you think of the story, the writing style, anything. Constructive criticism is welcome.
WARNING:This story is slash - that means two men in a sexual relationship. It also contains rape, suicide and violence. If that's not what you want to read about, leave. Otherwise, read on.
Disclaimer:It's all JK's and the WB's.
Suicide is Painless
Part One
He kissed me. In the twilight of the forest, he kissed me. I'm not even sure why I decided to go out there that night. It had long been a habit of mine to leave the common room, get away from Lucius and his hands, his threats, and go out into the forest where death - and freedom - were almost a promise.
I had been startled that night to find someone there. Remus Lupin, the politest fucking Gryffindor in what must be milennia, who had somehow managed to gang up with the cruelest boys outside of Slytherin. And he was here, in the woods, in my most secret place, where I wanted to die. He looked just as startled to see me, don't get me wrong. I started to look around, anger building as I thought that his bastard friends might be there.
"I'm alone, Severus." That voice, so soft, so calm. I looked at him for what seemed to be eternity. His large eyes looked golden in the moonlight, and it cast his hair to shades of silver. I realised something I never had before. He was attractive - I was attracted to him. I'd never had more than a passing interest in anyone before. I let Lucius do whatever he wanted to me, of course - I didn't want to die at his hands. My own, perhaps, but Malfoy had stolen more than enough from me - he wouldn't have my life, too.
"Why are you here?"
"Why are you here?" He retorted, and a felt a humourless smile curve my lips. If he wanted to know, I would be more than happy to tell him.
"Because I wanted to get away from Lucius and his desire to fuck me everytime I get near enough to him that he can grab me."
Remus blinked slowly, eyes widening. "You - you let him-"
"No, I don't. He wouldn't want me if I wanted him." A smile curved my lips again and I laughed. It didn't sound quite sane, and well it mightn't. I think I'd given up sanity by then, driven mad by Lucius raping me nightly.
Remus stared at me some more. "God," he whispered, not sure what else to say, it seemed. I sat, back against a tree and looked up at the sky through a thick layer of foliage. I had shocked him. Good. Maybe the idiot would go away now.
That was when he shocked me. He sat down beside me and lay a hand on my arm. Staring at the arm, my eyes rose to his face, eyebrows raised quizzicly.
"I had no idea," he whispered.
"Of course you bloody didn't. Lucius doesn't want to go to Azkaban."
He looked at me, frowning. "He really-"
"No, I just thought it would be so funny to say it. Yes, he 'really'."
"Why don't you tell someone?"
I laughed at that, for quite a while. I had got the impression in classes that Remus Lupin was an intelliegent boy. Apparently not. "If I went to Dumbledore, even if Lucius got sent away, the rest of my house would turn on me." I gazed at him. "They're very much under Lucius' spell. They like him." I shook my head softly, smile breaking as I turned to look at the Gryffindor beside me. His eyes were wide.
"I don't want your pity, Lupin," I told him quietly, and his hand slid down my arm to hold my hand. I stared at that, startled by the gesture. Too startled to react when he touched a long finger to my chin and made me face him. He was stronger than he looked. Holding my gaze with those beautiful, big eyes of his, I didn't back off when he kissed me. It was nice. I'd never been kissed. Fucked until I cried, yes, but never kissed. It was nice. It was almost loving. I pulled back, shaking. "No."
"No?" Lupin stroked my face, eyes filled with compassion. "I've wanted to do that for four years now, Severus."
"Then why didn't you do it before?" I moaned, images rushing through my head of a life - a happy life - in which I had a lover who cared for me rather than a rapist who laughed in delight at my sobs.
He shook his head, eyes sad, and kissed me again.
It was one of the best nights of my life. The others were all with Lupin, too.
It took me a while to let him do any more than that. It was almost the Christmas holidays by the time I let him make love to me. I wish desperately I'd let him do it sooner, and many more times. It was wonderful. I never knew sex could be like that - loving, sweet, soft, and good - oh, so good. I thought he loved me. I loved him, make no mistake. I fell for him the instant his lips touched mine, became addicted to his kisses, his touch, the scent and the sight of him.
But the night after than, my life fell apart again.
He tried to kill me.
He never told me about his lycanthropy. I found out when his teeth were at my throat, and I cursed James Potter when he pulled me back. If Remus - if the werewolf couldn't love me, he could at least have the decency to kill me and end the hell that was my life.
But he didn't. And I lie alone here in my bed, bleeding and bruised after another beating by my father - I forget what it was for - and replay the few delicious months with Remus in my head. Only in these thoughts, he's not a werewolf. He didn't make me love him, lying to me and laughing at me behind my back with his friends. He's my lover, my one and only. He didn't try to kill me. He's not a monster. I surprise myself when tears roll down my cheeks.
"I thought he loved me," I sob and bury my face in the pillow, my heart broken, for good this time.