Being Sebastian [A Sebastian/Viola & Olivia Story]

Epilogue:

It had been twenty-four hours since I had seen her. Twenty-four hours turned into three days. Three days turned into a week. A week turned into a month. One month turned into four, then four turned into eight. Eight months. One hundred sixty - seven days since she had told me that it wasn't goodbye for us. That whatever we had...wasn't over. That we were both going to try.

But more than half a year had gone by. 8 months. I hadn't even known Viola for that long before she left and resumed her old life. And I can say at this moment, sitting in the outdoor auditorium at my high school graduation that Viola and I... we didn't try, at least not like we promised. Like I promised myself.

I mean how can we even go about it? How can I tell my friends and pretty much everyone behind "the golden couple" that I was in love with Viola. Viola Hastings, sister of one Sebastian Hastings...their undisputed leader and my supposed boyfriend. The guy who was in Amsterdam playing soccer, a school wide hero. A hero who wasn't the guy they thought he was.

We weren't willing to risk everything...and I guess that was our downfall. For three months I stared at my acceptance letter from Duke, wondering if this was the risk I had to take. But then I would look at my letter from Berkley, pinned to my bulletin board and wonder if it was worth it. If me being closer to her would bring us back together.

The sun was beating down on me and the wind whirling through the hair falling down my back under my red cap. Me. Olivia Lennox. Said Queen of the Illyria senior class...but without her King.

Obviously if your boyfriend is miles and miles away with no intention of coming back, you have to put an end to the relationship. So I told everyone that our break-up was mutual. Tears and loving words were shed but in the end it couldn't save Sebastian and I, being that Sebastian would never be back.

The backlash of our breakup was astounding. Girls and guys alike felt sorry for Sebastian and I. They preached to me how perfect we were for each other, and how in the end we would most likely get back together when he got back to America. They just knew. And for a second I believed them. But then reality struck and I thought ... if only they really knew.

"Hey Liv, you alright?" Duke asked from behind me.

I turned around in my chair, tuning out Principal Gold's speech, and looked at Duke. Just like it had been eight months for me not seeing the person I thought about countless times throughout my days, it had been eight months since Duke had heard from his best friend.

He looked at me with a sad expression as if reading my mind. "Yeah I'm alright Duke." I said, trying to give him a reassuring smile. But I knew it didn't reach my eyes.

I turned back around and tried to pick up on whatever Gold was yapping about but then I heard Duke's voice in my ear. "It's okay Liv, I miss him too."

And just like that I spiraled down, lost in my own head; trying to fight the sludge and the walls that separated Viola from me.

Living in my head for the past eight months, recounting everything we had and everything I could have done with the whole situation made me realize something.

Guys like Sebastian don't exist.

They may exist in your fantasies and dreams but never in reality. Guys like Sebastian don't exist because the way he thought wasn't like most guys. Sebastian thought like a woman because he was one, and although it is justified to say that many men do think like women, they most of the time aren't interested in them.

But for everyone out there who is lucky enough to find someone who makes them feel complete, comfortable, safe, and loved in the ways you can only imagine, hold onto them and never let go... like I'm still trying to do with her.

"Jordan Lamb." Principal Gold's voice reverberated through the auditorium, jolting me from the mess within my head.

I looked around and realized I was standing. Four people away from when I would receive my high school diploma and never see 90% of these people again.

It's crazy to think about. To look out into the mass of red and black for the last time and still look for the one person I knew wasn't there.

"Haley Lancaster." Three people.

Sometimes I've thought that all that happened during the first months of my senior year was a dream. An illusion of sorts. I mean it's not everyday a girl falls in love with a guy, whom in fact is a girl in disguise. An it's even rarer that that said girl falls deeper and deeper in love despite the fact that they know said guy is a girl.

"Reed Lazuras." Two.

But my life was a dream those first months. It was everything I wanted, everything I could have hoped for. However, Viola and I weren't ready then to make the dream our reality. We weren't ready to love each other without outside influences and our walls completely down. We may have said we were, but the present situation speaks for itself.

"Neil Ledler." One.

After she left I dreamed that we ended up being everything I wanted. The us I wanted since the beginning. We were happy, surrounded by our friends like we always were. Nobody cared, and we didn't either. We were in love. But somewhere within each time I dreamt about this, it crumbled. Viola went to North Carolina and I threw away my Duke acceptance letter and went on my own path to UC Berkley. We never looked back, we never spoke, our love fading with time. We were no longer friends, and our friends never knew about us. And then I would wake up wondered which was my reality.

"Olivia Lennox." I made my way across the stage, hugging the man that brought Viola and I together. Then I looked out at my class, their faces plastered with congratulatory smiles and their hands clapping in excitement.

It was then that I felt myself smile, the first real one in what seemed like forever. It was then that I knew which was my reality.

But you never know...anything could happen.

- - - - ZzZzZzZ - - - -

When you live as someone your not for so long it becomes apart of your identity. Then your identity becomes what you're trying to hide from. Being Sebastian gave me an excuse to wear a mask. This mask gave me a way to express the emotions I never knew existed; and I wore it for four months throughout the halls of Illyria.

Saying Illyria changed my life is an understatement. It was the place where my dream of playing college soccer became reality. It was the place where I understood what real hygiene was, which is quite important. It was the place where I made friends I so desperately wanted back. It was the place I experienced first hand what heartbreak really felt like. And lastly it was the place where I experienced love. And isn't that what everyone wants? To love and to be loved? Yeah, Illyria gave me that opportunity. So saying Illyria changed my life really is an understatement because it changed everything. Every single damned thing.

Looking back on my life, I can list so many moments where I know I royally fucked up. But not talking to Olivia for the last ten months is at the top of that list. So many things would be different right now if I just would have swallowed my fears and took the necessary steps it took to be with her. I mean it was what I said I was going to do.

But actions speak louder than words. And it took me ten months to long to shed the mask that was Sebastian.

At first I tried to just resume my old life, but every single day I would walk the halls of Cornwall searching for a certain blonde that would never be found on that campus.

I tried to be the best girlfriend I could for Mitch but he knew that something was missing. He knew that I didn't feel for him what I felt for, what he believed, some other guy.

I tried to forget about her; go to parties with Kia, Yvonne, and Paul and drink the pictures of her in my mind away.

I tried to find someone knew. But I never felt the feelings I did for Olivia with any other person. Regardless of gender.

I tried and I tried and I tried but nothing changed. She still held my foolish heart and it took months for me to accept everything.

To accept that I needed to fight for her. That the ball would forever be in my court. That I was in love with a girl, although all my life I had only fallen for guys. That if I could accept us, she could too. And I had to accept the fact that even after all these months there was still a small light of hope that shined the fact that she still loved me; and I had to wake up and take that leap to get there.

So to this day I still don't know if it was being Sebastian that made realize all of this about myself or if it was just bumping into her outside of Gold's office all those months ago.

I know I've said this or more accurately thought this a million times, but honestly I'm not scared anymore. Being with Olivia changed me. Me...Viola, and that's all that really counted now.

So when I looked up she was there like I knew she would be. Putting her suitcases into the back of her father's SUV. She hadn't noticed me yet, not paying attention to the car parked across the street.

I took a deep breath and pushed all the thoughts out of my head telling me not to do this. I hopped out of the car and walked across the street slowly, my hands buried deep in my jean pockets. As I got closer I contemplated turning back. I mean what if she didn't love me anymore? What if that light had gone out? We hadn't spoken in almost ten months; I had promised her everything then left her out to dry.

My subconscious was pushing me to stay but I was just about to turn back, cowering under the fear of rejection and loss when she turned around. Her beauty hit me like a ton a bricks. Her blonde hair cascading down her back. Her flawless body entrapped in one of her many sundresses. She was just as beautiful as I remembered...if not more.

She looked shocked to see me there, at the end of her drive-way, and she stayed rooted in her spot.

So I leaped.

I closed the last few feet between us with three long strides and stood face to face with her.

Shit, I didn't prepare myself to actually talk to her...I didn't think that far ahead in my planning process. But here I stood, face to face with the girl that meant everything to me. I didn't know what to say, so I just whispered the first thing that popped into my head.

"Hey." My voice cracked and I felt like a thirteen year-old boy. My palms were sweaty and my nerves were going crazy.

I didn't realize that I had closed my eyes, until I opened them and looked down into her beautiful blues. My first thought was that she was going to slap me, because damn did I deserve it but she didn't.

I watched as she closed her eyes too and then breathed out a simple, "Hi."

And just like that I fell in love with her all over again.

That day Olivia and I could have made up. I could have told her that I didn't care what anybody thought of our relationship, that it was still as real for me now as it was then. That I loved her with every ounce of my being and that I was ready to take that next step with her. That I was sorry for not giving her anything for 10 months, but now I was no longer afraid. That I was willing to risk everything if it meant spending those minutes, hours, days, years with her next to me. She could have kissed me and said she felt it all too. She could have told me that she still loved me and she was willing to risk it all as well. Those weeks after could have been the beginning of something life changing. Olivia could have gone to Duke and me to North Carolina like I had always dreamed. Then when asked by our friends how we got together, we could have told them the truth. And although pissed at first, we could have all been able to laugh about the craziness of it today. I could have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with her.

Or that day Olivia could have said that it was too late. That I had waited too long to come back to her. That she had been too scared herself to come back to me. She could have told me that some part of her still loved me, but she couldn't put herself through everything that our relationship was again. She could have told me that she was still afraid and she didn't want to risk the very different lives we were leading. She could have never kissed me again. Then she could have driven off without a second look getting farther and farther away from me until she was all the way in California at UC Berkley, thousands of miles separating us. We never spoke, our friends and family never knew. I could never have the one person I loved the most back in my arms again.

But really you never know...

Anything could happen.