"All men are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their steel toed boots, spit on it, shove it in the oven and cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it was delicious."
- Dead Men Don't wear Plaid, modified.
And it's not my fault
Your love's like salt
The aftertaste
Is gonna break my heart
He waits.
She sits next to him, completely still, like she's a stone or something, and Mr. Schue's talking about their set-list like it actually matters right now, like right at this moment when he thinks his whole life just fell apart, as long as their set-list is ready than everything will be okay.
Why is Santana such a bitch? Why? Why did she have to do that? In front of everyone?
This is so much worse than he could have ever dreamed of and he is so fucking terrified that he can't fucking move. Try. He reaches out and touches her shoulder. She tenses even more. She doesn't move at all. He lets go.
She's writing furiously on her notebook. She rips the paper apart and shoves it in his hand.
Miss Pillsbury's office. At 3.
He really wishes they could talk alone instead, but she stalks out of class the moment Glee's over.
xxx
He waits.
He's sitting next to her, sitting in front of Miss Pillsbury, and he waits for the words to come.
They don't.
He wants to explain, he wants Miss Pillsbury to get lost, and he wants to tell her that he's sorry. It meant nothing. Worse than nothing. It made him feel empty. He wants to tell her that.
But all she keeps asking is why Santana. Like it matters who it was. It doesn't.
Miss Pillsbury says maybe they should sing about it. He could do that.
Only, where do you find a song about a guy sleeping with another girl to get over the girl he loves and make her jealous and then felt like shit about it because it meant nothing and tried to forget it ever happened and then got the girl and lied to her about it because he didn't want to hurt her and because he just wanted to forget it ever happened?
He doesn't think there is an Eagle song for that.
She says she wants to slap him. That's going to hurt like a mother. But Miss Pillsbury's saying no, storm out instead. And she does. And he really doesn't know how that's supposed to be better.
Xxx
He tries to look for her at her locker but she's not there.
He calls her three times. She never picks.
Baby please pick up. Please let me explain.
He wants to say that. He'll leave it in her voicemail. She always listens to her voicemails, even when it's just a beep and the sound of someone hanging up. So he waits for the voicemail.
"Hey Finn!" He looks up and there's a football flying towards him and he lets go of his phone to catch it before it hits his face.
He forgets to leave the voicemail.
Xxx
He calls her once every hour.
She doesn't pick up.
What should he do? Whatshouldhedowhatshouldhedo?
He gives up at 10 because she obviously doesn't want to speak to him.
He waits for tomorrow.
Xxx
He can't sleep.
It meant nothing. He'll tell her that. It made him feel horrible, it made him feel stupid. He was angry and he was hurt and he wanted to make her hurt, but it didn't work because it made him feel nothing.
God how was he supposed to tell her that?
Xxx
He wakes up late and when he runs to her locker, she's already gone.
So he waits for her in Glee. But she's late. It worries him because she's Rachel and she's never late.
She comes in with a tape over her mouth and his heart sinks a little because why does she do this? Why does she always make things so hard?
Mr Schue rips on her and he's too surprised to do anything. She looks at him pointedly when she says she's upset and it bugs him.
Because, how is he supposed to fix this when she won't answer his calls? How is he supposed to fix this when all she wants to know is why Santana? Because that's not why he lied, not because it was Santana. But she won't listen to him.
He waits until everyone leaves and turns to her.
"Rachel," he starts, but she's putting her stuff back in her bag, ignoring him. He walks slowly to where she's sitting, puts a hand on her shoulder. "Baby-"
She shrugs his hand away and looks at the ground determinedly and he snaps.
Fine. Whatever.
He leaves.
Xxx
Why can't she see it doesn't matter? It doesn't matter. It could have been Santana, it could have been Quinn, it could have been Brittany. Hell, it could have Angelina Jolie or whoever, it still wouldn't have been her. That's what matters. Why can't she see that?
So it was Santana. So what? Why is that the only fucking thing she cares about?
He's frowning as he closes his locker and Santana walks by, looks at him like she's super hot, like she can go around going after any guy she wants.
Fine Rachel. Fine.
He looks back, because hey, if Rachel wants to blame him for something that has absolutely nothing to do with why he lied, than at least let's make it true.
So he looks back.
Xxx
It makes him feel worse, makes him feel like a fucking douchebag.
Why did he just do that?
What was he thinking?
He wasn't thinking.
He was pissed at Rachel and he did it just because he knew it would piss her off.
It was a good thing she wasn't around though, because he would have just made things so, so much worse.
Xxx
He feels guilty. He feels like shit. Well, it was a shitty thing to do Finn.
What the hell were you thinking?
Xxx
He calls her. He calls her and calls her and calls her.
Fifteen times.
She never, ever picks up.
She doesn't want to listen.
He kind of wishes she did slap him in Miss Pillsbury's office. Then maybe she would've calmed down and he could have explained.
He wishes she had just slapped him.
Xxx
I'm sorry. Please talk to me.
He stares at the message he's typed for ten minutes almost.
He wants to say more, but it feels wrong typing everything out in a stupid text.
He presses send.
Xxx
He sits in the back of the bus. She's way up front.
She won't even look at him.
What the hell?
Xxx
So he lied. He lied, he lied, he lied.
He lied.
She lied too.
She lied to hurt him, to make him jealous.
He lied to protect her, because he didn't want to hurt her.
So why is he the bad guy?
Xxx
What the hell is going on?
Why the hell is everyone making things so much worse?
Why can't they just shut the fuck up?
Santana opens her mouth.
Nothing good ever happens when Santana opens damn her mouth.
Fuck.
He's not the bad guy. He's not.
He opens his mouth.
"When this all happened, you were dating another guy. You don't really have a right to be pissed at me about it, okay? And fine, I shouldn't have lied about it, but to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all!"
He sees the defiant look on her face, the disbelief that crosses over it and now she's yelling at him, asking him who he is.
Who is he?
He's the guy that's been trying to tell her for the past week that it meant nothing to him. He could have if she'd just listen for once.
She didn't listen to him. She didn't hear what he meant.
xxx
But that was a great way to start the conversation Finn, really.
Fuck his life.
xxx
They're going to Regionals and that's awesome. But what's even more awesome is that she turns around to look at him, finally, and she throws her arms around him. And he misses her. And he's pretty sure she's missing him too.
She pulls back, looks at him all awkwardly, and isn't that supposed to be his part, the awkwardness?
"We get to go on," he says, smiling at her because for the first time in this whole shitty week, he's not feeling like crap.
"Yeah," she says.
We get to go on.
They get to go on, the two of them.
Hopefully.
Xxx
"Mercedes told me what happened," Kurt says. He turns to look at the boy witheringly. Why is Kurt suddenly so interested in him and Rachel?
"Mercedes is a blabbermouth," he mutters under his breath.
"That she is. I thought she knew Finn."
"Well, she didn't. And now she knows that everyone knew because Santana is the blabbermouth and Santana told everyone."
"I think she's waiting for a big gesture."
"Why do you care so much?"
"I'm seeing her in a new light." He turns to look at his step-brother in confusion. What did that mean?
"Just try it."
Xxx
A big gesture.
Yeah, he can do that.
He'll do it on Monday. He'll sit her down and tell her he loves her and tell her everything he feels, and he'll tell her how badly, really really badly, he wishes that he could take it back, that he had saved it for her. Because it was special, and it should have been hers.
Yeah, he'll tell her that on Monday.
And he thinks she'll listen this time.
And they get to go on.
He waits.
Xxx
She comes up to him. She speaks first.
It's kind of pathetic, really, how happy he's feeling because of that.
Xxx
She talks about glee club being special, about Sectionals reminding her that she's a part of something special, and he thinks this is it. This is your chance Finn. Do the big gesture.
"Are we a part of something special? You and me?" he asks, and he's smiling a little because he knows she'll say yes, because they totally were.
"Yes," she tells him quietly as she looks down. She looks back up at him and he knows this is it.
"I love you," he says, because he does. He loves her so, so much. And she hugs him, and he's so glad, he's kind of so happy that he could cry, to be honest but that's totally stupid and he's not a girl so he doesn't.
"No more lies," he says firmly. "Ever."
He won't lie to her again. Never, ever because he knows now that lying to her had just hurt her, keeping things from her just hurt her more. And he won't do it again.
"There's something I need to tell you," she says and the look on her face kind of scares him right now. It's kind of freaking him out. She pulls him into an empty classroom and oh God, what if she tells him it's not enough? She looks scared. She looks terrified. Of him? What?
"Last week when we were fighting," she starts and she looks like she's about to cry and she's seriously freaking him out. "I was so mad at you, I was so hurt, that I- I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt."
What?
What's going on?
Stop talking, he wants to tell her. Just stop talking.
"I- I-," she looks like she's so close to crying and oh God he doesn't want to hear this. "I- Puck and I-"
She's still talking. She's talking and talking and talking and Oh God. Oh God. She's lying, right? She's lying, she just wants to hurt him so that he feels as bad as she did, even though he's been feeling horrible already, she didn't really-
She's not lying.
She's not lying.
What is this, payback? Revenge?
What is this?
Puck.
Puck?
"I'm so sorry," she says, "It will never, ever happen again."
But it did happen.
It happened.
He can't even- what?
"I knew you were a lot of things Rachel," he says, for once knowing exactly what he wants to say. Maybe getting his heart broken into a million pieces is all that it takes for him to be articulate. "And I loved you because, and in spite of all of it. But I never thought you were mean."
"I'm saying that I'm sorry," she says quickly, like she's panicking "Doesn't what you did with Santana kind of cancel this out?"
Is she fucking kidding right now?
"We weren't together! I didn't cheat on you!"
Puck.
She made out with Puck.
She almost had sex with Puck.
"How could you do this to me?"
"It was a mistake! Maybe we should go to another counselling session with Miss Pillsbury-"
"You can't have couple's counselling if you're not a couple."
Did he just say that?
Did he just say that?
He's not thinking.
He can't think.
"You're breaking up with me?"
"What you did was really bad Rachel! And you knew how sensitive I'd be with this after what happened with Quinn."
He can't- he can't look at her right now. He can't. God. Puck? He turns away. He needs to walk away, because he's this close to losing his shit right now. He can't- he can't.
"You said you'd never break up with me!" she yells at his back, her voice hysterical. He can't do this. Oh God, he can't do this. Why? How could she do this? Why would she hurt him like this? And it hurts. It fucking hurts. He turns to look at her, and God he hates her right now. He hates her.
"I never thought you'd make me feel like this."
He needs to leave. He needs to. He can't be here.
So much for the grand gesture.
Xxx
He loves her
He loved her.
He loved her so much, he loved her more than he's ever loved anything.
Love isn't supposed to hurt like this, isn't supposed to make him feel like this, like his heart just got stamped on, like it's broken and battered and dead.
She wanted to hurt him.
She wanted to.
And she chose Puck?
Fucking Puck.
Rachel fucking Puck.
Rachel and Puck fucking.
Would you have done it, Rach?
Would you have fucked him?
Do you feel better now? We're even, right?
We're even now.
We're nothing.
I could wait for you
Like that hole in your boot
Waiting to be fixed
What good would that do?
But to leave me pricked
Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover
Darlin'