I Do Not Own Axis Powers Hetalia. This FanFic is in Alfred Jones view. Warning mentions of Suicide.

I Want To Give Up

By Waterrain

I have always been told 'You can't do anything right', 'You are hopeless', 'Useless', 'You are an idiot', and it's mainly told to me when whoever is speaking gets frustrated with me. Of course I don't let anyone know that I have other feelings beside happy ones. Everyone gets depressed every once in a while cause if they didn't then they wouldn't know the happy feelings.

Arthur Kirkland has been my boyfriend for two years, we haven't gone beyond the make-out stage, and I think that might be one of the reasons why he dumped me even though it wasn't on the list. He gave me a list of reasons why he dumped me and I haven't looked away from it. Funny thing is until he broke up with me, Arthur was always the one saying nice words to me, telling me 'I love you', and how much he cares about me.

When I told my twin Matthew about being dumped and he looked at me. Want to know the first thing he asked me? Alfred, What did you do wrong? Of course I didn't break down in front of him because I'm afraid of being made fun of for crying. So instead I laughed loudly and shook my head before commenting 'I guess I did something wrong cause Arthur broke up with me'.

Matthew looked as if he wanted to say sorry or something, but I walked away from him and locked my bedroom door because I don't anyone to say 'Sorry'. All the sorry's in the world won't fix anything.

So I'm looking at this list even though I got it memorize inside of my brain, it wasn't even handwritten, tears were rolling down my cheeks, and I was biting down hard making my lips bleed cause I didn't want any sound coming out.

Alfred Jones,

You eat too much junk food, It is unhealthy and I'm sure one day you will become overweight.

You do not think before speaking.

You have no plans for a career.

You are not good at school work.

You say the word Hero too much and it is annoying.

You are not a good kisser.

I never loved you.

I'm tired of dealing with you, Alfred Jones.

The list went on and on basically everything is my fault. I was hiccupping, blood running down my lips, I felt as if my heart had been ripped out while I was awake, and my fingernails were biting into my arms as I hugged myself. Tears rolling down and I was thinking on how it would be better if I never existed for then I wouldn't have to go through such heartache.

My door was suddenly busted down and I saw the person that did it was Ivan. I guess my twin decided to call up Ivan to break down my door.

"Just leave me alone! I just went to be left alone and everything is my damn fault. I eat too much food, I'll end up becoming fat, and Arthur doesn't want a fat boyfriend. I'm not good at school work and I have no set in stone plans for a career. I'm useless! I can't even kiss right!" I said loudly hoping the Russian would leave and go away.

Ivan grabbed me, I struggled as he pulled me in, and gave me a tight hug. His grip was like steel and I tried to escape, but my body felt weak and my mind was recalling all of the negative commented I have ever received. It was like a spiral and I felt lost in it. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and I'm trying my darnest to hold back cause someone is here. My lips were bleeding, eyes closed tightly trying to stop those tears, and get a hold of myself because someone is here. I'm not alone and I don't want anyone seeing me in such a horrible state.

"Let it all out." Ivan said quietly and just like that I was a complete sobbing mess when he told me those four little words.

"I'm useless, worthless, hopeless, an idiot, can't do anything right, say hero too much, not a good kisser, not good enough at school, and-"

"It will be okay."

"No it won't be okay, Ivan. Want to know something?"

"What is it, Alfred?"

"At times I want to kill myself so that no one would have to deal with me. I just can't bring myself to actually over dose on pills or cut myself or anything. I'm not a hero cause I can't do everyone a favor and die."

I was hiccupping, gasping, tears spilling on Ivan's neck, and he held onto me rubbing my back in comforting circles. I lost track of time and my tears have stopped for a little while until I recalled those memories. Arthur telling me 'I love you', how me and him use to kiss, and how he use to say such nice things to me untile he broke up with me & left me that sheet of paper filled with...

"Alfred, Time will heal all wounds. It will be okay. I'll be there for you from now on."

",but I want to give up and just end the pain. I have try so hard, but no one notices it. I have tried my best in school, but only got average grades like C's. I try and try so much, but yet no one notices how hard I'm trying. No one believes in me even though I'm trying every single day."

Ivan held me in his strong arms, he was still rubbing my back gently, and I cried myself to sleep in his comforting arms. When I woke up in the morning. I was alone, on my bed, and under the covers. I guess either my twin or Ivan lifted me up and tucked me in. I went to school and saw Arthur making out with Francis. I started to walk away, but my hand was grabbed and it was Ivan.

"Alfred."

"I should have stayed home today."

"I'll be by your side, Alfred. They won't bother you."

Ivan held my hand, smiled at me, and dragged me. I closed my eyes and silently wondered why he won't leave me alone. We barely talked to one another in two years.

"Alfred?" Arthur asked me in a breathless voice. "I didn't think you would show up today."

"He is here, da. He didn't kill himself. Your all negative and blaming list would send weaker people to their demise." Ivan's voice was cold. My eyes were firmly closed and I didn't see anyone's expression. I didn't want to see anything. "Why did you even ask Alfred out two years ago? Why did you stay with him for so long? Was Alfred's feelings just a game for you?"

"What do you mean by negative and blaming list?" Arthur's voice sounded confused. Ivan released my wrist, he pat me on the head softly, kissed my tear stained cheeks, and I ran out of the school. Later on I found out Ivan beat Arthur and Francis to a bloody pulp. Ivan was kicked out of school. I'm on my bedroom floor and looking up at the ceiling. Thinking on how it's my fault that Ivan got kicked out.

"Alfie, I heard you talking to Ivan last night and-"

"It's my fault that Ivan got kicked out of school."

"No it's not your fault, Alfred."

"I should have stayed there with them and I could have sto-"

"It would have been no use. He would have still beat them up."

",But still-"

"It turns out Arthur asked you out because Francis dared him. If you agreed then he would have to stay with you for two years, but if it lasted shorter than two years he would have lost. If you didn't agree then he would have still won the dare." Matthew told me softly and he hugged me tightly. "If Ivan had not beat them up…Then I sure as hell-"

"So Arthur didn't love me. I should have known for who could ever love me?"

"Alfred, I know there is someone who loves you for you."

"Who?"

I pulled out Matthew's hug and stood up looked down at him for a minute. I firmly wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, and sat on my bed looking at my still wrecked door. It's going to be a pain to fix it. Why did Ivan have to break it?

"Hello, Alfred. I will be fixing your door since I broke it, da."

It's funny for whenever I think about Ivan…He shows up in almost no time. It's like he is a mind reader or something similar. Maybe it's fate? Then again I had thought it was fate when Arthur asked me out two years old, but turns out it was just a dare and he didn't love me. At least I didn't give into Arthur when he asked 'Want to have sex' and I guess it was because the deadline was nearing. At least I didn't lose my virginity. Sometimes I really do want to give up, but I'm not the type to give up even when I want to give up. I have tried hard to give up, but my mind and body refuses. A couple of times I tried to slit my wrists when I was really depressed and recalling things, but my hand refuses to move and the knife slips to the floor. One time I tried swallowing down a bottle of pills, but almost all of them dropped to the floor and I put the pills back inside of that bottle. I barely noticed when my twin left, but Ivan remained and looked at me with those violet eyes.

"Violence doesn't solve anything." I told him and closed my blue eyes.

"That is correct, but sometimes it makes a person feel better." Ivan told me. His hands were on my cheeks and I sighed to myself. "You have been crying."

"I'm an emotional wreck. Two years of being fooled that someone actually loves me. Two years of thinkg Arthur and me would always be together, but it was just a cruel lie. I was so stupi-"

"You are not stupid, Alfred."

"I should have-"

"Should haves, what if's, and what could have I done is self-destruction. Think of the here and now, Alfred." Ivan whispered into my ear and I had my arms wrapped around his shoulders.

"Why do you care? You and me hardly even talked to one another in two years."

"I will always be here for you, Alfred."

"Ivan, I want my heart to stop hurting."

I was shocked when Ivan kissed me on the lips, his arms wrapped around my upper back, and after a moment looked me in the eyes.

"To help a hurting heart is to fill it up with new love, da."

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