SUMMARY: An alternative ending to New Moon, or more precisely, to the conversation between Bella and Charlie. What she REALLY should have told him. Crackish, not to be taken too seriously. Oneshoot.

AN: This is one of the many oneshoot ideas that have been ciricling in my head for more than a year. Now, I love fanfiction, but losing sleep over it felt like a bit too much, so I decided to write some more elaborate ideas down in hopes of geting some peace of mind. Hope you will like it!

Direwolfy

DISCLAIMER: I'm sure you all know the drill, so I'm not even bothering. Don't own.

That's what I said

"Are you sure that's what really happened?" Charlie asked, feeling rather foolish.

Bella nodded enthusiastically. Too enthusiastically, in his opinion, if even half of what she was saying had been true. Oh who was he kidding? Of course it wasn't true. What was this girl playing at?

"So, you are trying to say you had to leave, without warning, for THREE DAYS, because an evil vampire mafia wanted to kill Edward and you were the only one who could save him?"

Bella nodded again, obviously glad that her father had grasped the situation so quickly. "That's what I said."

Charlie pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling another migraine mounting up. Three days of panic and worry about his daughter had left him unaccountably tired, yet he had barely gotten any sleep last night, for he had spent the better part of the night checking up on Bella and making sure she was really there. Once she woke up, he had been prepared to yell at her his heart's due. And now this...

"Why would the vampires want to kill Edward anyway?"

Bella's expression grew somber. "Because he asked them to."

"He... what?" Any intention Charlie had to (reasonably) point out the flaws in Bella's theory was momentarily forgotten.

Bella nodded. "He thought I was dead, you see." As if that explained it all. At Charlie's blank look she hastened to elaborate. "Alice saw me jumping off the cliff - she sees future by the way. Oh she is a vampire too. And Edward. In fact, all the Cullens are. I didn't mention that before, did I?"

Charlie shook his head wordlessly, uncertain what to make of this new development.

"In any case, Alice saw me jump off the cliff, but she didn't see Jacob rescuing me, because she can't see werewolves and such." She ignored Charlie's incredulous expression and continued on. "Of course, Edward saw what she saw and drew his own conclusions... Wait, Edward wasn't there. Rosalie saw what Alice saw and Edward saw what Rosalie... No, that can't be right, Rosalie doesn't read minds..." Bella frowned, obviously puzzled by the situation.

Charlie decided to ignore the comment about mind reading and jump to the only part of the story that made any sense.

"You jumped off the cliff?"

For the first time, Bella's smile faltered a little. "I didn't mean to. And it was stupid. Even the voices in my head told me so."

"Voices?"

Bella waved her hand. "Ineluctable said-effect, nothing to worry about. Anyway, Jacob saved me, with all this wolfy muscle and all..." she grinned blissfully, momentarily forgetting her father presence.

Charlie coughed pointedly.

Bella jumped, the glazed look in her eyes replaced with a guilty one. "So... where was I?"

Charlie decided to indulge her. "Edward saw what Rosalie saw what Alice saw when you -" he gave his daughter a pointed look, reminding himself to come back to that later "- decided to jump off the cliff."

"Oh right," Bella's expression brightened again. "So he thought I was dead when I obviously wasn't and went to the evil vampires and tried to think of the best idea to piss them off." She frowned at that. "According to Alice he was very inventive."

"Alice?"

"Of course," Bella waved her hand. "She saw that coming and we had to go to Italy and pound some sense in him." She made a face. "Only the vampires didn't want to let us go after that, so we had to reason with them." She winked at Charlie and leaned closer to him, as if sharing a very important secret. "They promised to come to visit us sometimes."

"Right..." Charlie blinked, inconspicuously leaning away from his daughter. "Right."

"So you see," Bella continued as if she hadn't heard him. "It was not my fault at all, nor Edwards. It was all an unfortunate coincidence. He said, she said. It got out of hand." She shrugged. "And it would be very unfair of you to punish us for what neither of us could have prevented, like forcing us to stop seeing each other." She finished with a bright smile, obviously satisfied with her logic.

"Right," Charlie repeated. God, he was tired. He wanted nothing more than to escape his daughter's room and take a nice long nap. And preferably to never mention that conversation again.

"So, what's the verdict?"

"Huh?" Charlie blinked, realizing his daughter was staring at him expectantly. "You know, maybe we should forget about the whole business. It might do you some good to spend some time with Edward." And Carlisle. It would be even better if she spent some time with the doctor. Though Jacob... wait, she thought he was werewolf. "On one condition," he added, suddenly stern.

Bella startled a little, looking up at him with wide eyes. "Yes daddy?"

That did it. How was he supposed to be upset with her after that?

He sighed, letting his demeanor soften. "Just do me a favor and never mention vampires again. Or werewolves," he added as an afterthought. One must not forget werewolves.

If possible, Bella's smile spread even wider. "Will do."

"Good, good," Charlie muttered absentmindedly. "No, if you excuse me, I wanted to take a small nap. Don't wake me before dinner okay?" He backed out of the room without waiting Bella's response. Once in the hall, he leaned against the staircase, wiping his brow in relief.

"He's gone?"

Bella turned around just in time to see a tousled bronze head to poke out of her closet.

She smiled beatifically. "I told you it would work."

Edward shook his head in bemusement. "I still can't believe you managed to pull this off." He wrapped his arms around Bella's shoulders and chuckled. "I have gotten myself a very devious fiancée."

Bella growled.

*THE END*