A/N. Okay guys. Here it is. My first fic, and to go with it, my first A/N. Many thanks to my draft editor and personal spellcheck, Chrishuyen. Yeah. This is fun stuff, but please give constructive criticism, don't just troll me if you don't like it. Also, If I get enough positive feedback, I'll start writing more crack-type humor, so be sure to read and review. Enjoy!

Blame it on the forum trolls (formerly known as Those stupid shippers... formerly known as I don't know what to call this madness.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and therefore definitely do not own Masashi Kishimoto.

If Uchicha Sasuke was like any other man in the entire nameless land of Naruto, he would have immediately flew a full 360 degrees through the air with an epic nosebleed.

However, he was Uchiha Sasuke. So rather than flipping out (literally) he vocalized the greatest show of emotion he had ever done:

"Hn!"

The naked Karin standing in front of him, though, clearly took this response the wrong way. "Oh Sasuke-kun! I knew you loved me!" With those words, she flung herself onto him. In proper anime style, His eyes went white as a Hyuuga's, a black eyebrow left twitching at the sheer horror before him. It was at this point reality bitch-slapped him in the face and told him, in a voice all too similar to Killer B's, that he needed to screw looking cool and act appropriately for this situation.

Therefore he ran, screaming bloody hell and trying to gouge out his eyes, with Karin in hot (or rather, not hot) pursuit. After several Amaterasus in Karin's general direction, (considering it was blinding him at the same time, Sasuke found this was the most effective way to deal with the situation) he continued running without realizing he had just passed the main gate of Konoha. His charge finally came to an end with a crash into a familiar pink-haired kunoichi.

"Thank god Sakura, you have to help me!" The Uchiha heir said, now in a rather frenzied state. Sakura's surprised turned to happiness, and she embraced him in a bone crushing hug. He was sure he felt a rib or two crack.

"Sasuke-kun! I'm so glad you're back! I have something I've been wanting to say to you ever since you left!" With this Sakura turned slightly red. "Sasuke-kun… I love you!" Sasuke, upon hearing these, thought along the lines of Oh dear, not again! And ran away as fast as his little Uchiha legs could carry him. Once the pursuing Sakura was finally out of sight, he ducked into the nearest building, which happened to be Ichiraku Ramen. Given this opportune moment to take in what had happened, he realized Sakura was once again in love with him, something he hadn't expected.

"Sasuke? When did you come back?" A slightly confused and pink-faced Ayame stood before him. "My dad Is out today… so lets have some fun in the back room. I've always liked you Sasuke!" With this she leaned in to kiss him and once again, the raven haired missing-nin was sent screaming from the scene.

As Sasuke came around the corner he flew past a young woman he could trust not to make a move on him. "Hinata! Protect me!" He yelled from afar. The quiet girl jumped a little upon hearing his voice. "Sa- Sasuke-kun…" She stammered as she fiddled her fingers, her eyes facing the ground. "I've always wanted to tell you… Naruto didn't really mean anything to me… It was you who inspired me, Sasuke-kun!" When she looked up again, he was gone, having already predicted what she was going to say. Now all the Uchiha could think was What the hell is going on around here?

The Godaime Hokage walked happily along the streets of Konoha, Shizune on her left, and Anko (whom she lost a bet to) on her right. She couldn't help but notice how beautiful this city was, and despite just losing a bet she was rather in a good mood. Squinting toward the direction of the Hokage monument, she could see a figure clad in a black Akatsuki robe minus the clouds. Curious but wary, she went to investigate. However, she seemed to have misjudged the speed at which the missing-nin was running, and they collided with the force of Sasuke's speed knocking them both back several feet.

When Sasuke came to his senses again, he noticed a slight (or not so slight) pressure on his face. Removing his head from Tsunade's chest, he screamed, "Oh hell no! Not you too! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" and continued running. And of course, all three gave chase, with choruses of "Sasuke-kun! I love you!"

Luckily, something good had come from his encounter with Tsunade. Sasuke reached into his pocket and pulled out the list of shinobi currently on standby. He scanned down the list, looking for someone familiar. Aburame Shino… on a mission… Akimichi Choji… on a mission… Dammit! How many people are on missions? Continuing down the list, he finally caught a break: Nara Shikamaru. Local mission. With that, he did a 450 degree turn (he was running with so much force he couldn't stop at 90 and kept spinning) toward the Nara clan household. Upon reaching it, Shikaku, who for some reason decided to help the S-rank traitor to Konoha, told him that Shikamaru had went to the local flower store.

Now rather out of breath and exhausted, Sasuke turned and, rather than running, settled for a brisk jog to the flower shop. He entered quickly, closed the door, and pulled down the blinds. "Shikamaru… you have to help me..." he said as he continued to obscure himself from view. Once he had sufficiently concealed himself, he looked up toward the genius boy. "So… you're the genius. What should I…." He trailed off as he noticed the blonde kunoichis behind Shikamaru.

Yamanako Ino ran up to him, giving him an airtight embrace. "Sasuke-kun! You've come back! And you look so cute when you're scared!" Temari, however, approached in a comparatively cool manner.

"Sasuke. Let's go to my place. Why don't you let me (sunglasses) blow your mind?" She asked in a seductive tone. At this Sasuke snapped, using a substitution to break free and run away, a Sasuke-shaped hole left in the side of the flower shop.

Sasuke kept running, and finally saw the Konoha main gate, where he could see an Akatsuki member in the distance. Thank god, Sasuke thought. "Konan!" He yelled almost too loud to the Akatsuki member in front of him. "Take me back!"

Konan just stared at him, a slightly confused expression on her face. "I have been informed that your application to become a full time member of the Akatsuki has been accepted. Here is your new cloak, ring, and first paycheck," She said, handing him the above items. As he replaced his cloak and put on the ring, she continued. "However, there is still one thing Pein-sama believed you must learn, and I volunteered to teach it to you. You must learn…" Sasuke briefly imagined a possible scenario, but then brushed it aside. He wouldn't need to learn that. "…the art of seduction."

Fast was an understatement of the speed with which the new Akatsuki member ran. Behind him followed 10 women, all madly in love with him no matter how disturbing their pairing would be.

Feeling clever, he created a kage bushin and hid in an alley. Ironically his "clever idea "was exactly what Naruto would have done in that situation, but that is besides the point. That would buy him some time to find out what was going on. He didn't want to, but he had no choice but to use his brother's most powerful summon, well, reverse summon. "Gyaku Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" He yelled as softly as he could (?).In front of him, in a cloud of smoke, appeared the most powerful summon ever seen in the Land of Fire: the great Masashi Kishimoto.

"Okay," Sasuke said, "Tell me what is going on here. There is no way this is normal."

Kishimoto replied to him completely disregarding the fact they were speaking English. "The fan girls are getting out of control, so I found a solution. In order to avoid shipping wars and even more forum trolls I decided that you would be paired with everyone!" With those words spoken he was gone. Sasuke had just enough time to curse a thousand years of death upon whatever the hell a fan girl, shipping war, or forum troll was before making his move and leaving. It's going to be a long day, he thought as he looked at the materials around him, but a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do.

Soon after, Anko yelled out: "There he is! I found him!" Sasuke, hiding in a cardboard box with eyeholes painted like a rock, suddenly realized the stupidity of his plan and took off running once again. The mob inevitably followed him.

Kishimoto walked calmly down the streets of Japan, when he felt something solid, yet gooey come in contact with the back of his neck. He reached back and realized said object was an egg, and turned around to see hundreds of very angry yaoi fan girls/boys. Oh god, please let me die now, he thought as he went to use his almighty power on the Narutoverse.

Funnily enough, that was the exact thought of the Uchiha heir as he ran screaming from Konoha followed by an even greater crowd of Naruto, Kakashi, Shino, Kiba, Neji, Lee, Choji, Shikamaru, Pein, Kisame, Itachi, Deidara, Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan, and worst of all, Orochimaru.