PREFACE: Yes, I will change the way Iron Chef is presented slightly for comedic value. I had this idea after a very long night out, so it's going to be slightly weird. That said, it made me giggle, so... Here you have it! Throw us a line if you liked it!

Today, a man's fantasy becomes reality, in a form never seen before in Soul Society. Kitchen Stadium! A new cooking arena, where champions do battle for the first time in a battle of skills that have never been tested, using all their senses, skill, and creativity, to prepare dishes never tasted before!

The motivation for embezzling all of his Division's funds to create Kitchen Stadium was to encounter new original cuisines, which could be called true food for the Soul. To realize his dreams, our beloved Chairman, the one and only Captain Kyōraku, will choose a Chef to represent his vision of true tradition in food, his Iron Chef, and after that any challenger may come forth to claim his prize. If ever a challenger wins over the Iron Chef, he or she will win the people's ovation and fame forever.!

The 8th Division's barracks were busting with activity, the likes of which hadn't been seen since the days of the Shinigami war. Shinigami, nobles from the major and minor noble houses, nobody wanted to miss an event that promised to revolutionize the way battles were made in Soul Society henceforth. The Kitchen Stadium arena was ready, and as three thousand people assumed their seats around the immense pit, Captain Kyōraku made his way to the centre, wearing his best pink kimono and under the ovation of the expectant public. To his left, a large cooking area for the Iron Chef. To his other left, an identical mirrored one for the challenger. Behind him, a large selection of the best fresh produce and ingredients Soul Society had to offer, as well as exotic foodstuffs from all over the Living World.

And in front of him, covered by a large sheet, a secret ingredient nobody was allowed to see.

"Thank you, everyone, for coming to our first ever Iron Chef battle!"

Roars of applause ripped through the air into an almost deafening cheer. Yoruichi bent forward and talked to Nanao's ear.

"Nanao-chan, way to go! This is very impressive! I'm surprised you managed something like this."

"Yoruichi-san..." She turned around, and Yoruichi noticed she was at the verge of tears. "Our budget... The Captain-Commander is going to kill us!"

"Aaah, what are you talking about?"

"Huh?"

"Look." Yoruichi pointed at the arena, where a table had been set aside for the commentators. Gin was holding the main microphone as he did the introductions, with Ōmaeda, Ichigo, and...

"Captain-Commander-sama?" Nanao called out, surprised.

"I don't think you'll have a problem with the budget, the old man seems happy!"

Thruth to be told, he looked the same as always, when he wasn't being freaky intimidating with his crushing reiatsu or being just plain scary, that is.

"Whew." Nanao's relief was palpable. "I hope so, Yoruichi-san."

"Well, well." Kyōraku kept talking. "As today is our first battle, I have chosen someone who I am sure will properly uphold Soul Society's culinary traditions. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you today's Iron Chef!" There was a repeated drumbeat, and as a ridiculously large fireworks show exploded, the Iron Chef was raised on a platform for everyone to see. "Kuchiki Byakuya!"

Roars of applause tore through the air, as a very neatly prepared Byakuya opened his eyes slowly. At that moment, a massive fireworks explosion turned the whole arena into a show of fire, sparks, smoke, and even more noise. A good ten minutes and a visit by the emergency services squad to put out a rather large fire later, the festivities resumed.

"Kūkaku really went all out, phew!" Yoruichi remarked, smirking.

"Our budget... ;_;" Nanao responded.

"And now, the man who will challenge my Iron Chef. A genius, proclaimed and recognized by everyone in Soul Society. The youngest ever Captain of the Gotei 13, Hitsugaya Tōshirō!"

More fireworks. More explosions. A second even larger fire and two injured members of the emergency services squad (one by fire, the other by frostbite after Tōshirō got extremely annoyed at the heat). And Tōshirō walked into the arena. He was greeted by the Chairman with all the pomp and ceremony that could be expected.

"Welcome, to my Kitchen Stadium."

"Thank you, Chairman-sama."

"You are the youngest Shinigami to reach the rank of Captain, and are looked up to by every young Shinigami of the new generation. I expect great things from you today, Hitsugaya-san, and hope you will show us what the future of Soul Society Cuisine will bring."

"I will do my best."

"Chefs! To your stations!"

Fireworks. Explosions. Large fires. Crumbling walls that forced the relocation of a hundred of the attendees.

Very spectacular.

"Our budgeeeeeeeet! ;_;"

"There, there, Nanao-chan..." Yoruichi patted her affectionately.

As the two Captains assumed their positions in their respective halves of the kitchen, putting their aprons on and ever so covertly assessing their surroundings, Kyōraku placed himself at the top of the platform.

"To aid the Chefs, I have selected qualified assistants that will perform well and are familiar with each one of the Chefs. For my Iron Chef, I have selected a member of his own household, as well as his very own Lieutenant. Please welcome. Kuchiki Rukia! Abarai Renji!"

There were no applauses this time. Everybody ducked for cover as they were sure they now were under attack. Assistants managed to calm the crowd that was rushing for the emergency exists, and politely asked them to stand at a distance while the assistants finished putting out the fire and building emergency scaffolds to replace the collapsed half of the stadium.

"I can't wait to see the finale! Kūkaku has definitely outdone herself this time!" Yoruichi proclaimed, very satisfied. "Don't you agree, Nanao-c..."

"She's passed out." Isane replied, using a small fan to push fresh air on the young Shinigami's face.

"She's missing the good stuff."

Back on the stadium, Gin was welcoming the crowd back. Ichigo was looking bewildered, and Ōmaeda was hiding under the commentator's desk. The Captain-Commander hadn't moved one inch, or said one word.

"And now." Kyōraku continued, taking the rebuilt and improvised center stage atop the ruins of the old one. "For Chef Hitsugaya the selection was obvious. Two shining beacons of the new generation of cooks. Matsumoto Rangiku! Inoue Orihime!"

There was a tense moment, when everyone held their breaths, ready to duck, run for their lives, or merely start praying. Another instant. Then another. Until the silence was broken by a familiar female voice.

"Ganju, you failure!" Kūkaku shouted.

There finally was a loud explosion, which was her punching her brother and sending him flying. As he disappeared in the distance, his voice could be heard as he cried out:

"I'm sorry neeeeeeeeeeeee-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan..."

There was a twinkle in the sky as he disappeared, and that was it. In the meantime, the assistants took their stations. Byakuya looked completely calm. Tōshirō looked left and right to his smiling, racked female companions, and couldn't hold out any longer.

"Oi! What's the big idea!"

"And now, we shall introduce the theme ingredient!" Kyōraku called, ignoring his protestations. "I thought and thought, and decided I should choose a theme that would require both skills, as well as imagination. I present... The theme ingredient!"

The battle was delayed for two hours, as new fresh ingredients were gathered to replace the ones that went up in smoke in the extremely large explosion that destroyed the Kitchen Stadium, as well as to move the spectators and commentators.

That's when Nanao heard for the first time that Kyōraku had built a backup arena with the Division's money.

She was taken to the 4th Division's Relief Station on a stretcher.

"Well now, I present the NEW theme ingredient." There was a trepidation in the air, but no fireworks had been moved to the new Arena.

Yet.

The Chairman unveiled the ingredient. Pike Eel!

Tōshirō and Byakuya looked at each other, but didn't move a muscle.

"Aaah, and now the stage is set!" Gin called over the loudspeakers. "Let's get it on!"

"Allez Cuisine!" Kyōraku called.

There was less than a blink between Kyōraku finishing the announcement, and the two Chefs disappearing in a blur of shunpo. Choosing the best ingredient is vital, and so is getting there first, in a battle of this level. Byakuka flashed in a fraction of a second faster than Tōshirō, and when he reached out with his arm to counter, he found himself instead with an apron covering his face.

"Way of Onmitsu, Utsusemi." Byakuya said calmly, quickly selecting the best eels and rushing back to his station.

Tōshirō cursed under his breath.

"Ooooh, and the first skirmish goes to Chef Kuchiki!" Gin called enthusiastically. "And I will now take a moment to present the commentator guests today. First, we have Shinigami Representative, Kurosaki Ichigo. Thank you for joining us!"

"Ah. Hi." Ichigo replied, still looking bewildered.

"Kurosaki-kun, are you handy in the kitchen yourself?"

"Well, not really. Yuzu does most of the cooking at home, so..."

"I see. Are you looking forward to seeing the dishes today then?"

"Ah, well..." He looked at Byakuya giving orders, and at Tōshirō trying to rein in his own walking disasters, and a large sweatdrop fell down his face. "Sure. Sure."

"And we have Ōmaeda-san here, welcome to today's event!" Gin called again, enthusiastically.

"Thank you, thank you."

"I suppose you don't do much cooking yourself, Ōmaeda-san?"

"Not really, but you see, we always have the finest dishes available in our manor, only the finest will do of course!"

"I see. So I suppose it will be hard to surprise you?"

"I really look forward to it!I will definitely have our chefs learn from anything here that looks tasty!"

"Thank you!" Gin replied. "And finally, Captain-Commander Yamamoto Genryūsai, welcome to our event!"

Silence.

"Um, I suppose in your long career you have tasted many different dishes, Captain-Commander-dono?"

Silence.

"Ah, well..." Gin scratched his head, uncomfortable. "So, in the meantime."

"They're preparing the Pike Eel." Yamamoto interrupted, with a finality in his voice that stopped anyone from saying anything for several seconds.

"Right, right." Gin finally managed to speak. "This is a very delicate process, the fillets have to be carefully cut at regular intervals without breaking the skin! Oooh, what's Chef Kuchiki doing?"

Byakuya laid two eels carefully on the cutting board, and unsheathed his Zanpakutō. Raising it to his face, he called.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

The blade divided into a thousand individual blades, fluttering in the air like individual cherry blossom petals. He concentrated, and with a very carefully executed move, the petals flew through the air, coming down at the eels and cutting in perfect regularity through the flesh and bone without damaging the skin even one bit.

"Woooow, amazing! Way to go Byakuya!" Ichigo cried out.

"That's Iron Chef Kuchiki fer ya." Gin replied approvingly.

On the other side, Tōshirō had placed a wooden box in front of the table to be able to reach the cutting board comfortably. He placed a open pike eel on it and, extending the chain at the end of his Zanpakutō, started spinning it at great speed. With a fluid and expertly executed movement he passed the fast spinning crescent over the pike eel, cutting through the bones with as much perfection as Byakuya had managed.

"Not bad at all." Ōmaeda commented. "If I get my chefs to learn that they should be able to serve me even faster!"

"Renji." Byakuya called. "Begin preparations."

"Yes sir!"

Renji rushed to the stand with extra ingredients and started selecting flowers from it.

"What's Renji doing?" Ichigo asked.

"Believe it or not, he is very skilled at Ikebana, one of Captain Unohana's star pupils!" Gin replied.

"You... You kidding me?" Ichigo asked, turning slightly blue.

In the meantime, Rukia had gotten a list of ingredients from Byakuya. Tomatoes, other vegetables, garlic, vinegar, soy sauce... And Pike Eel, of course.

Nii-sama, I will not disappoint you!

Without a second's hesitation, Rukia threw everything in a blender and set it on high. She collected the same ingredients a second time, put them all in the blender, closed the motherfucking lid, and set it on high.

"Nii-sama... My deepest..."

"Nevermind, Rukia." He replied, wiping pureé from his face.

On the other side, Orihime had gotten a pot going. Nobody knew where from, but she had gotten a witch hat too, and was wearing it proudly as she stirred what should, without a doubt, be called a fucking cauldron. Ichigo couldn't be sure, but he thought he had seen a rather big leg of something just dissolve inside as she stirred.

"Bubble bubble, you're in twuble!" She cried out, stirring enthusiastically.

"What the hell are you doing?" Tōshirō cried out.

"Aaaah! You told me to start getting the stock ready, so I hehehe..."

"Water and seaweed! That's all! What the hell is this?"

Inoue lifted the large ladle she was using to stir the whole ungodly mix, to give it a taste, but before she could, the metal dissolved away, falling back in the cauldron with a plop.

"We don't have time for this! Only one hour!"

"And the first fifteen minutes are gone!" Gin called. "And so far, it's hard to tell who's ahead! What a battle!"