10,000 Ways to Die

Hey everyone, I'm back! Sorry I've been away for a while – my little break went a bit longer than expected. Things to take care of. This latest deviation combines my love of Mass Effect with a guilty pleasure. 1,000 Ways to Die is property of and copyrighted by Spike TV. If this work gets pulled from posting, I deeply apologize for any offense it may have caused. I don't endorse any of the actions depicted within. This is not for everyone and definitely not for the squeamish – you have been warned!

Tonight at 10pm CST (Citadel Standard Time), the Illium Underground Channel premieres a brand new reality series. An old classic from Earth is updated for the galactic connoisseur of the gruesome. Krogan approved! Viewer discretion is strongly advised…

The stories you are about to see are true and based on actual events.

WARNING: The deaths portrayed in this show are real and extremely graphic. Do not attempt anything you see here…

You will die!

Death is everywhere. Some of us avoid it… others can't seem to get out of its way. Every day, we face the danger of disease, toxins, physical injury and catastrophe. That we survive at all is a miracle! It's a dangerous galaxy we live in... and each day we live… we face 10,000 Ways to Die!

Time: November 9th, 2177
Location: Kol Province, Sur'Kesh

It's just another day at the Praoth circus. People from on and off world flocked to see the menagerie of strange creatures on display. Acrobats and tumblers performed feats of skill, balance and strength. There were even clowns to amuse or disturb the tiny tots in the audience. Then the lights dimmed and out came Praoth's star attraction: Samtil Panish. A contortionist like no one had ever seen.

Every species boasts a few members that have a bit more… reach and flexibility than average. But Sammy left them all in the dust. He was a salarian: his species has a higher percentage of cartilage in their skeletons than others. Cartilage is soft, connective tissue that often acts as a cushion between joints. And he used it to its full advantage. It was like watching someone caught in a train wreck with no train. He would twist, bend and squish himself in ways that left the audience aghast and astounded. But always at the end, he righted himself and smiled brightly. No worse for wear, no permanent damage done. He loved to perform and he had no shortage of fans, especially of the female persuasion.

He also loved to party and gamble. Samtil was soon in debt up to his eyeballs and he needed credits badly. He tried negotiating with the circus executives for a raise, but they refused. He couldn't exactly quit; circus life was all he knew and he barely had enough to live on. There was one glimmer of hope, however. He had submitted a vid of his performance to Ringling Brothers, a human circus. They were in the market for a few non-human acts to add to their show. Surely they would love to have him… if they could meet his asking price.

One day after a performance, Samtil received an unusual communication. A krogan envoy was requesting a private show. And credits were no object. Sammy had his doubts but he desperately needed the money. He accepted their offer and suggested that his home would suffice as a stage. The envoy agreed.

Samtil's home was a bit out of the way, just outside of town, and the krogan envoy appreciated the seclusion. The envoy turned out to be female. Krogan love to frolic almost as much as they love to fight. The irony of the situation didn't exactly escape Samtil. His people created the infamous genophage that greatly reduced the krogan populations. Now this burly babe was accosting him and she had a special fetish to indulge: she wanted Sammy as her own personal twisty toy!

As her guard stood watch Samtil bent and twisted around. The envoy was captivated. She moved in, wanting to shape him in some other ways. It was getting a bit uncomfortable for him, but this was a paying customer. He'd be a fool to refuse. When she had finished with him, she had him folded forwards with the fingers of his hands tied under his rump. His legs wrapped over and around his head. She stood back to admire her sculpting prowess and then challenged the salarian to untie himself. But the poor guy was exhausted and his hunched position was constricting his chest, cutting down on his air. He just couldn't budge no matter how hard he tried. She didn't like that one bit. She huffed and puffed… and blew right out of Samtil's home with her guard in tow, leaving him all alone. Samtil could only budge a little to get some air, but time was running out. In addition to lack of sufficient oxygen, his pretzel-like state was constricting some major blood vessels. Clots were beginning to form. Some clots lodged into arteries feeding his brain, blocking the flow. Struggling only tired him out more. He kept at it… until he just couldn't anymore.

Samtil was a premiere circus star, but Harry Houdini he wasn't. Shortly after the contortionist expired, his console lit up with the call he had been waiting for. Ringling Brothers wanted to sign him on! Sammy's ship had finally come in, but sadly he missed the boat.

Sorry, Ringling. Samtil Panish can't answer your call right now.

He's a bit tied up…

Way #2091: Have Knot, Won't Unravel