disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail
spoilers: everything Gildarts&Cana related
a/n: Idk what this is. I was trying to write a new chapter for another fanfic when this started bugging me. Beware of mistakes and angst that makes no sense.

Seven Stages of Grief

Shock

The black and white picture that sits on mantelpiece is of her mother and father. Although it's crumpled in the corners with age, Cana always takes it off the mantelpiece to stare at. She stares at her father's hair, wondering if it's dark like her mother's, or a luxurious brown or strawberry blond, or even a ginger red. She stares at his beautiful eyes, so full of wisdom, and wonders if her eyes really look like his, as her mother always tells her they do. She ignores her mother's figure that's also in the picture, because she thinks, hey, I can see Mommy everyday.

Of course, she realizes she's wrong when her mother gets buried 6ft under and all that's left of her is the picture.

Mommy's gone. Mommy's gone. The thought runs through her mind as she sits in front of her mother's grave. It's a white tombstone in an area full of lush green grass and little white daises that mix with the summer air to smell sweet. The scent assaults her nostrils. This doesn't smell like Mommy. Mommy smells of red wine, white wine, beer, scotch, and almost every other alcoholic beverage that's cheap enough to buy. Mommy doesn't have a type of alcohol that she prefers, although she has a specific taste in men.

Had! Had! Cana kneels near the grave, her calves being tickled by the feathery grass. Mommy's gone. All I have is Daddy. While alive, Mama Alberona always tells stories of a dashing knight with shining armor and shield, ready to protect her by any means necessary. A man who is handsome as the day was bright; who's brave like a hero and outrageously strong enough to be able to lift her up in the air. A man who has all the qualities one needs to be admired. A man who is also Cana Alberona's darling father.

Cana stares at the picture everyday after her mother is gone. Although it's crumpled and turning grey with age, she treasures it as her most prized possession. Mommy's gone. Mommy's not coming back. Mommy left me.

Denial

What is she going to do? Her mother's will clearly states that Cana go live with her only living relative – her father. Daddy. She's never seen her father in person. She's heard many stories of him and his adventures and quests as a Mage, but she's never met him.

Daddy, where are you? He's never come to visit her. She envisions him as to be so heroic that everyone needs him to save the day, and he's so busy that he can't stop to see her. That's alright, because her Daddy is a hero. Daddy loves me. Mommy's gone, but Daddy will love me.

She really hopes so. "What are you doing here, little girl?" he asks her when she finally finds him at the Fairy Tail Guild. He's not what she imagined him to be, but he's handsome and right in front of her, where she can just reach out and hug him like she's always wanted to for years. He doesn't recognize her, but she can't bring herself to care. All that matters is that he's here.

But then he's gone so quickly that he leaves a pile of dust in his wake. Daddy, love me. Don't you recognize me?

She joins the Guild because she has no idea when she might see her beloved Daddy again. Come back. He doesn't. Not right away, anyway. He's gone for weeks before the old man she must call Master approaches her. "Why don't you go on a mission?" he softly asks her, his eyes warm and friendly. She shrugs, indifferent to the strange man who is much nicer than her father is. No, Daddy loves me! She tells herself.

"When is Da- Gildarts coming back?" she asks instead, and pretends to not notice the curiosity arise in his eyes.

"Not for a while, Cana. You see, Gildarts takes these very long missions."

Daddy is a hero. He needs to help others, and that's why he has no time for me. She won't spend her time moping. She'll go on a mission and come back a success. Daddy is a bright shining star and she would prove to be too. Then, he'd recognize her as his own daughter.

Daddy loves me. I know he does.

Bargaining

"Master's considering to put you in the S-Class competition," Daddy tells her one day before he leaves. She always walks him out the Guild building because it's the only time she gets to talk to him. It's only a few seconds of a conversation. Usually an awkward silence is between them because she's too shy to say anything and he's daydreaming as usual. But, this is the only time he has ever started a conversation with her.

"Me? Really?" she asks in surprise, staring up at him in wonder. He's still everything to her, someone to look up to. But everyone else feels that way too.

"Yeah. Try your best," he adds to her and then disappears in the blink of an eye.

S-Class Mage. One step closer to being able to go on missions with Daddy. She trains a lot harder then, because she has to win. She has to be an S-Class Mage so she can show Daddy that she's his daughter. She can shine as brightly as he can because she's his daughter. She may have her mother's good looks but she will prove that she has her father's strength and determination and prove herself worthy. Daddy will love me.

But she fails. Miserably.

"Master, you have to let me become an S-Class Mage," she begs her tiny Master, who looks at her through pitying eyes. She doesn't give up, even though she's close to tears and is about to break out in sobs. "Please. I have to be an S-Class Mage."

"Maybe next year," he sympathetically tells her. The first flood of tears begins to fall and she turns away, not willing to show her sadness.

I'll be an S-Class Mage. Even if it kills me.

"You okay?" Macao asks her as she sulks by the bar. He's nearly twice her age and reeks of alcohol, but he's nice enough. She grunts in response. "Want a beer?" She risks glancing at him. He's not looking at her with pity, thinking she's the most pathetic thing in the Guild. He smiles at her and offers her the beer bottle in his hand. She smiles in response and takes the bottle from him.

She takes a swig. Her first taste of alcohol, but not her last.

Guilt

Mommy's gone. She takes another swig of her drink. Macao is nowhere in sight. No doubt with another girl. There's a different one every week. Mommy's gone and it's my fault.

Maybe if she'd been stronger like Daddy. Maybe if she'd been braver like Daddy. Maybe, if she had gone and found Daddy and dragged him back, Mommy would still be alive and happy. Mommy hadn't exactly been happy while she'd been alive, Cana was more than aware of that. Why else would Mama Alberona always drink so much alcohol?

Cana knew firsthand that alcohol made the pain go away. It's not gone, she tells herself when she wakes up the next day with a horrible hangover and the memories of her mother running through her mind. Alcohol only numbs her and takes the pain away for a while, but then it's back and it's even worse.

The beer supply has decreased so much ever since she's started drinking. "Whoa, slow down there," Macao tells her. She ignores him, because he's going on a date soon anyway. It's my fault.

Maybe, if she hadn't been born at all, Mommy would be happy and alive.

Anger

Fuck. Those two bitches get promoted to S-Class Mages before she does? She's been at this Guild for longer than they have, yet she's still a mediocre Mage doing all the crappy jobs.

"I deserve to be an S-Class Mage!" she proclaims to Macao as she drinks from her larger bottle of beer. After drinking the alcohol for so long, her body has grown used to it and it takes her longer to pass out. The alcohol makes her feel numb and Daddy doesn't cross her mind as much.

"Yeah, so do I," Macao agrees. "You're a good Mage, Cana. And you're pretty." She sloppily smiles at him and he gives her an even sloppier kiss on the mouth. His breathe smells of beer. It reminds her of her mother, whose breath smells of wine and beer and other alcoholic drinks. The whole time, she wonders what Daddy breath might smells like.

She goes out on a mission and ends up killing all the thieves, rather than hauling them off to jail as usual. The clients don't care. She goes on more missions, hardly feeling any guilt at all when she stares into the marred faces of the evil villains who just keep multiplying and giving Daddy more work to do when he can be spending time with me!

Fuck them. Fuck all boys. They're slobs and uncivilized and idiots. Natsu, Gray, Laxus and even Macao who's managed to knock some girl. She doesn't care what they say or think. She's good enough for Daddy. She'll prove it to him and everyone in that fucking Guild.

Depression

And then, after what seems to be a million tries and attempts at becoming an S-Class Mage, she just wants to stop. I should just give up. I don't deserve to be his daughter.

She's close to dying that week when the trials are approaching. She exceeds her drinking limit, and she falls unconscious in a damn alley. I don't deserve to be his daughter. I can't become an S-Class Mage. If she fails again, she'll most certainly die this time. No exaggeration because she's just so tired. She's tired of trying. She's tired of trying to be an S-Class Mage, trying to be worthy, tired of acting as if she didn't care when she most certainly does.

Lucy proves her wrong. She's so strong-willed and determined – why else would Natsu and Gray like her and even Erza admire her? Lucy insists that she'll be able to make her an S-Class Mage. What the hell? Just once more.

It all goes fucking awry because the universe hates her. What am I? What have I done to deserve this? Her father doesn't love her. He doesn't even recognize her. She wants to fight him during the trials, to show who she is and that she's so ace at being a card Mage – no pun intended – but instead she's put with Freed and Bixlow who once again prove that boys are sleazy idiots.

She and Lucy beat them, a big surprise but a happy one. Of course, that's until everything gets fucked up because a Dark Guild invades their test. Do they think she's just going to forget about the trial? Fuck no. What have I done to deserve this? She thinks again, close to breaking into tears. Why doesn't Daddy love me? Why did Mom leave? Why, why, why?

She's wants to give up when the tears begin to run and fights begin all around. She has to be an S-Class Mage, but it seems to be impossible. If she doesn't succeed this time, she'll be back in that alley, knocked out and with a bad case pneumonia, all of which end up killing her. Who's going to care, anyway? No one loves me.

Acceptance

She kneels before a white tombstone, but it's not her mother's. It's actually the first Master of her Guild – the Guild she'd only joined to be with her Daddy. Why can't he love me? She asks the dead Master, hoping that he'll share his wisdom with her. Why does this happen to me?

The card flashes – the one telling her that Lucy is in danger. Lucy, her friend; the girl who had insisted to be her partner in the trials and had been so determined to help her become an S-Class Mage. This isn't supposed to be like this! Lucy was a sweetheart, who doesn't deserve to be hurt like the way Cana just hurt her to gain something. No, Lucy is her nakama! She can't hurt her nakama.

Tears well up in her eyes. Why can't he just love me? If he had recognized her, then none of this would have happened.

Lucy loves me. Lucy had wanted to help her. Lucy is an amazing and an admirable person. The blond had run away from home, but had still saved her father; she's strong, despite her looks, and went after things unlike Cana.

Lucy loves me, unlike him. Everyone loves me and cares about me. Her comrades are in danger, and what had she been doing? Trying to get ahead. I don't care anymore. My comrades are in danger.

Shakily, she stands up. Gildarts was nowhere in sight, as per usual. So, it's up to her to help and save the day. If she doesn't, then she's not her father's daughter. Maybe I'm not, she thinks, nut that doesn't matter anymore. Not when her nakama, her family, who always protect her and wish her no harm, are in danger.

Who cares if he doesn't know who I am? Her mother knew. Her mother loved her, despite Cana's doubtfulness that had increased over the years. Her mother was the best thing that happened to her and she's not just going to throw all of that away in a hopeless attempt to impress her father who doesn't even know he's her father.

I'm coming, Lucy. I'll save you. She may have failed the test to be worthy of being Gildarts Clive's daughter, but she can't fail Lucy and her friends.