A/N: Another short one-shot of mine celebrating Percy Jackson's birthday today, August 18th.
Ahem.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR PERCY,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
Yeah, I went all out for a fictional character's birthday. I'm a nerd and I'm proud. :D
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Epic Conscience Battle of History
Based off of: 'Guilty Conscience' by Eminem ft. Dr. Dre
BIG THREE, BIG CONSCIENCE!
Nico di Angelo- Good
Percy Jackson-Bad
Meet Luke Castellan, 23 years old. Fed up with life and the way things are going, he decides to rob Camp Half-Blood's store. But on his way in, he has a sudden change of heart, and his conscience comes into play.
"I gotta do this man, got to," Luke mumbled under his breath. "Son of the god of thieves, I can do this. Easy fucking job. Let's do this." He walked towards the store, Backbiter in hand.
"Alright, stop!" a voice in the darkness said. Luke quickly whipped his head around to his left, Backbiter ready. Who the fuck was that?
"Now before you walk in the door of this camp store and try to get money out the drawer, you better think of the consequences," the voice warned.
"Who are you?" Luke all but exclaimed.
A figure came alive out of the shadows with olive skin and dark hair and eyes. "I'm your motherfuckin' conscience, dumbass. Nico."
Luke scowled at Nico. "Don't you call me a motherfuckin-"
"That's nonsense!" Luke turned to his right, to see a pair of sea-green eyes and ink black hair. Percy Jackson. "Go in, gaffle the money, and run to Aphrodite's cabin. And put on a damned dress, and one of their blonde wigs. Tell them you need a place to stay. You'll be safe for days if you shave your legs with one of Piper's razor blades."
"Yeah, but if goes through like it's supposed to, the whole camp knows you and they'll expose you," Nico pointed out. "Think about it before you walk in the door first, look at the store clerk, she's older than Chiron."
"She a cleaning harpy," Luke pointed out.
"She's the weak cleaning harpy that can't lift a bone. Why do you think she's at the camp store and not eating campers?" Nico countered.
"True, true," Luke said, nodding his head.
"Fuck that," Percy said, blowing off Nico. "Do that shit. Slice that bitch. Can you afford to blow this shit, or do that rich? Why you give a fuck if she dies, are you that bitch? Do you think she gives a fuck if you have kids?"
"I don't have kids," Luke said. "Do I?" he nervously and high-pitched, looking a bit horrified.
"Remember that wild night with Thalia you had, and everyone was completely wasted?" Percy said.
"Dude, I had a threesome with two Aphrodite chicks that night," Nico grinned, giving Percy a high five.
Luke paled. "Yeah, but it was only one time-"
"One time is all it takes, bro," Percy said solemnly. "Protection is everything."
Now Luke looked terrified.
"Man, do don't do it, it's not worth it to risk it," Nico warned again.
Luke thought about and muttered, "You're probably right."
Nico had a smug smile on his face and said innocently, "What? I didn't hear that. Speak up please."
"I said you're fuckin' right!" Luke all but yelled.
"Well, I do fuck right, but that's a story for later," Nico grinned.
"Anyways, you really shouldn't do it. Not over this shit." Nico shook his head.
"Hey, stop!" Percy yelled a Nico.
Nico ignored Percy and said, "Drop Backbiter. Don't even listen to Seaweed Brain yo, he's bad for you," waving off Percy.
As Luke went back, Percy glared daggers at Nico and scowled, "You know what, Death Breath? I don't like your attitude."
"Oh, really? Well, here you go then," Nico said, and flipped off Percy, grinning.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
GIRL POWER!
Thalia Grace- Good
Annabeth Chase-Bad
Meet Apollo, 21 years old. (Well, he looks like it today.) After meeting a young girl at a rave party, things start to get hot and heavy in an upstairs bedroom. Once again, his conscience comes into play.
"C'mon, Rachel, it's gonna be okay," Apollo said.
"I don't know…" Rachel said, very unsure.
"It's going to be fine," Apollo said, looking into her eyes.
"But if my dad-"
Absolutely nothing is going to happen," Apollo said. "You trust me, right?" He said, looking into her again.
She nodded her head. "Yeah."
He started kissing her, in many different places.
Thalia hit Apollo on the head to get his attention. "Dumbass," she mumbled under her breath.
Annabeth snorted. "A redhead, huh?"
"They're the best ones in bed, duh," Apollo said, as if that were obvious.
"Remind me to get with Rupert Grint one day, eh?" Thalia said, raising her eyebrow.
Annabeth rolled her eyes. "If you can get Ron Weasely into bed with you, I can get Tom Felton."
"It's on," Thalia challenged. "Ron Weasely vs. Draco Malfoy in bed."
As Thalia and Annabeth shook hands, Apollo said, "Aren't you supposed to be doing something?"
"Oh, yeah." Annabeth hit her head as if she forgot. She came down and whispered in Apollo's ear, "While, you're kissing her cheek, and smearing her lipstick, slip this in her drink." In her hands were two tiny pills. "Now all you gotta do is nibble on this little bitch's earlobe."
"Yo, this girl's only fifteen years old," Thalia interjected. "You shouldn't advantage of her, that's not fair."
"Yo, look at her bush. Does it got hair?" Annabeth questioned.
"Uh huh," Apollo said.
"Fuck this bitch right here on the spot, bare, till she passes out and she forgot how she got there," Annabeth shrugged, rolling her eyes.
"Didn't Percy just say something about protection to Luke?" Apollo asked.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Annabeth asked eyebrow rose.
"Man, ain't you ever seen that one movie Kids?" Thalia said.
"No, but I've seen the porno with Sun Doobiest," Apollo and Annabeth said simultaneously. They grinned and slapped each other high fives.
Thalia crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. "Dude date rapes a bitch, then gets a STD or some shit."
"Uh, I'm the god of plague and healing and shit. It doesn't matter," Apollo countered.
"Well, shit, do you want to get hauled off to jail?" Thalia said, using her last straw.
"Man, fuck that. Hit that shit raw dog then bail," Annabeth finally said.
"Whatever. I'm gonna go find Rupert," Thalia muttered and walked out.
Annabeth walked out with her. "I'm gonna get Tom first!" Annabeth stuck out her tongue childishly.
"How? He has a fucking girlfriend!" Thalia all but screamed.
"Does Rupert have a girlfriend?" Annabeth countered.
"I don't know. I'll Google it. No big shit. But how are you going to get Tom Felton?" Thalia said.
"We'll see," Annabeth had an evil grin on her face that could rival the Grinch's.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
BATTLE OF THE BLONDES!
Luke Castellan-Good
Jason Grace-Bad
Meet Hephaestus, a millennia old god. Well, today he looks, let's say, 29. After coming home from a hard day's work, working in the forges and being the god of blacksmiths and fire and shit, he walks in the door of his Olympian home to find his wife in the bed with another man.
Before Hephaestus could fully open the door, someone interjected. "Okay, okay pause for a second," Jason said, and everything was frozen. "Aphrodite cheats on him all the time. No new shit there. Why is he about to blow up?"
"BITCH, I'M ABOUT TO BLOW UP!" Luke yelled out of the blue.
"What the fuck?" Jason said his eyebrow rose.
"Oh, it's a rap song," Luke said, shrugged. "It's actually called Blow Up. It's by J. Cole. Really great song."
"Since when are you into rap?" Jason said, eyebrow still raised, arms crossed.
Luke shrugged again. "A couple of months ago. I got hooked on Eminem, too. Biggest fan ever. Love the way You Lie and Not Afraid were awesome."
"Uh, no bitch," Jason scoffed, hand on his hip. "You can't call yourself the biggest Eminem fan ever if you have only heard the songs that got popular last year, you didn't listen to his bleach blonde hair shit, you didn't listen to his controversial and on-drugs shit, and you didn't listen to Guilty Conscience."
"What the fuck is Guilty Conscience?"
"Never mind," Jason said, rolling his eyes. "No one answered my question. Why is Hephaestus getting pissed? Aphrodite cheated on him a million times, and while he hasn't been exactly faithful either, he has a reason."
Luke shrugged. "Who's she cheating on him with?"
"Let me see." Jason peeked through the door, everything still frozen. "Oh, hell no," he said shaking his head.
When he came out of the door, he said, "It's fucking Hermes!"
"Say, what?" Luke said. "Why is that so bad?"
"Do you know what a hermaphrodite is?" Jason said.
"Ciara?" Luke questioned.
Jason rolled his eyes. "No, dumbass. That's a rumor. A hermaphrodite has everything. Tits and dick. Slot A and Pipe A. All parts."
"Oh," was all Luke said, obviously not liking where this was going.
"Its origin came from a child of Hermes and Aphrodite. I'm think he's immortal, I don't know. He was named Hermaphroditus."
"Not very creative in names," Luke snorted.
"Tell me about it," Jason said, rolling his eyes. "Perseus, Jason, Pollux, Castor, Thalia, the list goes on. Anyway, a crazy stalker nymph bitch decided she wanted to be him, mind, body, and soul. So she kinda went into him. In all three aspects. So, now this poor dude has a penis, a vagina, and breasts. His manhood was stolen."
"That's so terrible," Luke said, shaking his head. "Can we have a moment of silence for his dead manhood?"
After a couple of seconds of silence, they continued on. "So, this is like the biggest insult to Hephaestus," Jason said, shaking his head warily.
"Not to mention Eros. He's an immortal god reminder of promiscuity with Hermes," Luke commented, snorting in pity and disbelief.
"Well, let's continue, shall we?" Jason said, and everything unfroze.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" Hephaestus yelled.
"Alright, calm down relax, and start breathin'," Luke said, hands up in caution.
"Fuck that shit; you just caught that bitch cheatin'! With him!" Jason exclaimed, hands out in the direction of Hermes. "While you in the forges, she's with some dude trying to get off? Fuck slittin' her throat, cut this bitch's head off!"
"Off with her head!" Luke said in most posh British voice.
Jason grinned. "Okay, that was pretty funny. Continue on."
"What if there's an explanation for this shit?" Luke questioned.
"What, she tripped, fell landed on his dick?" Jason said sarcastically.
Luke laughed nervously, using his last straw. "Alright, Jason. Maybe he's right, Hephaestus, but think about the baby before you get all crazy."
"You two had a kid?" Jason said unbelievingly.
"We were both drunk," Hephaestus muttered.
"Ah, I see," Jason said, nodding.
"Continue."
"Okay, thought about. Still wanna stab her? Grab her by the throat, get your daughter, and kidnap her? That's what I did-"
"Wait, what?" Luke asked, squinting his eye with disbelief. "You did that?"
"Bitch Piper cheated on me with Leo. With Leo. Like, what the fuck?" Jason said, shaking his head.
"I heard Hephaestus guys have big tools," Luke said.
"It's true," Hephaestus grumbled.
"Damn," Luke said. "Is Leo bigger than you?"
"My dad is fucking Zeus. Like the biggest pimp ever. Do you think Leo's bigger than me?" Jason said skeptically.
"True, true. Continue on," Luke said.
"Be smart, don't be a retard!" Jason yelled at Hephaestus. "You gonna take advice from somebody who slapped Thalia?"
"What 'chu say?" Luke said in a threatening tone.
Seeing he hit a nerve, Jason continued. "What? You think I didn't remember?"
"I'ma kill you, motherfucker!" Luke said, Backbiter in hand.
"Uh, ah, temper, temper," Jason said smugly, wagging a finger. "Mr. Luke. Mr. Get Laid. Mr. I-Got-A-Bitch-On-Each-Arm, ya'll better make way! How the fuck you gonna tell this man not be violent?"
"'Cause he don't need to go the same route I went," Luke said. "Been, there, done that." After a very short pause, he said, "Aw, fuck it. What am I saying? Slice 'em both, Hephaestus, where's your sword at?"
Just before the two gods were beheaded, Jason and Luke walked out.
"Mexican?" asked Jason.
"No, everyone's meeting up at PF Chang's," said Luke.
"Let's go!" Jason said, and Luke continued, "'Cause I'm feelin' like I gotta get away, get away…"
Date rape or rape of any kind is NOT A JOKE. I don't support it at all. I am completely against anything of the sort, and rapists are some of the worst kind of criminals to me. It is completely immoral and disgusting and I hate it with every cell in my body. It was mentioned here for fun, and is not, it repeat, IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
Songs Mentioned:
Blow Upby J. Cole
Look at Me Now by Chris Brown, ft. Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne
Love the Way You Lie by Eminem ft. Rihanna
Not Afraid by Eminem
And of course…
Guilty Conscience by Eminem ft. Dr. Dre
People Mentioned:
Tom Felton
Tom Felton's Girlfriend
Rupert Grint
Ron Weasely
Draco Malfoy
Ciara
Eminem
Sun Doobiest (I don't even know who that is)
I own nothing and no one mentioned above.