Deadpool walked into his apartment, picking poison blow darts out of his arm.

"Hmm… That's bleeding quite a lot." He said to himself, and tossed the last dart out the window, ignoring the shriek that came shortly after.

He collapsed onto the couch, and picked up the remote.

"Hi deadpool!" shrieked a voice behind him. He turned around, and saw a girl staring down at him, eyes unblinking and glassy.

"Mom! You came to visit me!" he got up, and backed away.

"HAHAHAHA!" she cackled, "I'm not your mom, Silly! My name's Raven sunlight pon'y Cass'andra selena Pattinson-Way! I'm your girlfriend!" She advanced on him, still grinning madly.

She was tall and skinny; long silver hair cascading down her back past her large feathery wings. She was wearing what looked like a red corset and a black skirt with fishnets, but it was hard to tell, as her entire body was covered with various types of weapons.

"Uhh… What?" Deadpool shrank back against the wall, fumbling for his gun.

"You want me to explain my story? Okay!" she let out another shriek of demonic laughter, before taking a deep breath, and began talking very fast.

"I'm the illegitimate daughter of jean grey and the human torch, as well as the sister of Hawkeye! But because I was kidnapped by doom when I was a baby, I never knew my parents, so I escaped and went to live with quicksilver and the scarlet witch. Quicksilver fell in love with me, and taught me how to run really fast! Then I joined the avengers and the x men when I was ten, did I mention that I have the mutant power to make rainbows, and I can shoot lasers out my nose! And even though I'm only fifteen, were gonna get MARRIED! HAHAHAHAHAHA!'

"So… we're getting married?" he asked slowly.

"YEAH! I love you so much!" she pulled him in for a bone-crushing hug, smothering him in her enormous breasts."

"In that case!" he said, wheezing slightly, "Get me a sammich! Chop chop!" She bounced off into the kitchen, as deadpool put his feet up.

"I could get used to this!" he thought.

One week later

Deadpool and weasel were in his apartment, playing video games.

"Hey, Wade?" asked weasel, dropping the controller, "What happened to the weird girl who was here? The place is a mess! And what's that smell?"

"Oh, I found her on the floor yesterday with a knife in her head. She left a note with something about unicorns on it."

"Where's the body?"

"Oh, her blood was made of syrup, I've been using it to make slushies."

Weasel put down the slushie, and didn't ask any more questions.