AW HELL NO!

AN: In honour of this story being my most popular, I thought I'd finally get round to giving it a shakeup, correcting typo's formatting etc. The content has not been changed one little bit and in my opinion it's still one of the worst things I've ever written! For anyone knew to this shameful piece of prose… it's not meant to be taken seriously! Enjoy my fellow Mass effect junkies!

CHAPTER ONE – ON THE EXTRANET

"Hey Garrus! Come here a minute!" Commander Shepard called to the passing Turian. She and several other crewmen were gathered around a portable console set on the table of the mess hall. Tali and Grunt sat either side of her sniggering into their palms. Even Jack had come out of her hidey hole and stood next to Chambers with a stupid grin on her face.

Garrus jabbed his thumb at the door of the main battery. "Can it wait I'm just in the middle of…"

"Don't you dare say calibrations!" Shepard snapped, her eyes narrowed in a mock icy glare. "It'll only take a minute!"

Garrus sighed heavily but made his way over to the table. When had he ever been able to refuse his commander? He'd agreed to go into hell and back hadn't he? He stood behind Jack, and glanced at the screen.

"What the hell! Shepard!"

At the sound of his outburst the crew, Shepard included, burst into fits of hysterics.

"Apparently since coming out successful from the omega 4 relay…" Tali managed to gasp. "Some of us have acquired um… fans… on the extranet."

"Aw don't be shy Garrus you look cute in a Santa hat!" Chambers said through giggles. She paused to giggle some more. "Even if you're not wearing much else."

"I'm a Turian! I don't do cute!"

"The picture disagrees Vakerian!" Grunt roared.

"Wait wait!" Shepard had recovered enough from her laughter to sit up straight. "There's more!" She clicked a few buttons and the picture of Garrus in a Santa hat vanished. It was replaced by a new image.

Garrus felt his eyes grow wide. Some people had some weird imaginations. "Aw hell no!"

The laughter of his comrades resumed. At the top of the image were words declaring the artists undying love for the vigilante, followed by a cartoon of himself lounging on a bed with feathery angel wings, his trusty sniper rifle and… not much else.

Shepard clicked again for a new picture. Garrus almost threw up. "Why in spirits name would I do 'that' to Thane!"

As her crewmates roared with laughter, Shepard tilted her head to onside. "Wow Garrus, I know you said you had an impressive reach but…"

"Not another word Shepard!" Garrus snapped.

"Can Drell even bend that way?" Tali asked. "I know Thane is pretty dexterous but…"

"If you have any respect for me Tali'Zorah you won't finish that sentence! Come on Shepard that's enough." Garrus pleaded with his commander. "Ok that's gotta be a breach of Turian rights or something!" Shepard had found a new image.

"I suppose they didn't think you'd be back from the relay." Chambers mused.

"Yeah but I can't even eat… Joe's southern fried chicken wings! How am I meant to recommend them!?"

More laughter.

Jack leaned forwards, trying to reach the console. "Come on next one!" She managed to hit the button and change the picture.

Grunt doubled over, Tali looked as horrified as she could behind her mask, Jack thumped Shepard on the back, and Garrus felt himself smile a little. "Well Commander, you didn't tell me you had a weakness for men with scars…" he murmured.

Shepard stiffened, her pale skin flushing in embarrassment. She reached out and turned the console off. "Ok that's enough… back to work people we've got jobs to do, reapers to kill!"

Unfortunately, the visual of their commander wrapped around a certain Turian comrade in something of a desperate, provocative manner seemed to have lowered her crew's respect for her a notch.

"Oh so it's ok to laugh at Vakarian but not you Shepard?" Jack smirked as she crossed her arms over her chest.

Shepard turned to the woman, mischief and devilry in her eyes. "If you like I can bring up that lovely on of you and Grunt…"

"You wouldn't!"

Shepard's smooth smile did all the talking. Jack mumbled a tirade of curses as she turned and headed back towards engineering.

"I think Jack's got a point Commander…" Garrus said with a grin. "I bet you have a much bigger fan base than I do…"

"I tell you what…" Said Shepard as she switched the console back on. "We'll compromise… let's see what kind of fan base Thane has…" She pulled up an image.

Chambers leaned in a little. "Oh my god! Is that a blow up doll?"

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