Hey, miss me? I'm terrible, I know. Consider this a belated Christmas present, hope you enjoy it.

As always, sorry if there's any mistakes in spelling and grammar.

"I was scared." I whispered.

"Scared of what?" she asked, her eyes nothing more than slits.

"Scared of losing you."

Her hands slowly lowered and her shoulders slumped.

"I-I thought you were caught up in the moment yesterday or...or were acting out of pity," I confessed. It even sounded pathetic to my ears.

"That what? I was so happy a boy had actually taken interest in me since Jacob?" she spat, glaring. Her posture became tense and defensive again.

"No! You've always had boys attracted to you, you're just oblivious to it all," her eyes widened as disbelief crossed her face and she shook her head. "It's true; ever since you've come to Forks the boys at school have practically been drooling over you," I told her, still amazed at how she failed to notice all the boys' constant chatter and staring.

"Including me," I whispered quiet enough that she didn't hear.

"Though their desires were more selfish than mine," I said bitterly, remembering the vulgar thoughts of Mike Newton I had overheard in English when he had whispered them to his friend Tyler.

She mouthed "ew" while a frowned formed and she scrunched up her nose, making her look adorable.

"I'm so sorry" I started looking down; worried I hadn't done enough to make her stay. "I...You...I..." How could I make her see I was scared, so incredibly scared? This remarkable blossoming woman liked me. I found it incomprehensible, and so I chose not to believe it. That way it wouldn't be a shock, wouldn't hurt as much when I found out it was the truth.

Except it wasn't the truth. It was a mere defence mechanise that hindered instead of helped.

I glanced up at her uselessly trying to think how I could explain my feelings for her and how sorry I was. I hung my head and clenched my fists, my nails digging into my palms.

Nothing was said for a while. Silence filled the room, creeping into every crack and corner almost suffocating me. It could have been minutes or hours as I sat there trying to come with something perfect to tell her explaining the emotions raging war within my body. Guilt, self-loathing, desperation, sadness, longing - hope. Hope that whatever I said she'd forgive me and we could start the day again. But the hope ignited as quickly as it died.

I could tell she was getting impatient. Not by her movements, she stayed perfectly still throughout the silence. I could tell by her huffs and sighs of annoyance, it would be the only sound in the room besides our breathing and as time went on they would become closer in succession.

My nails dug so hard into my palms I thought I'd draw blood as I realised if I didn't say anything soon she'd leave. She couldn't leave. I knew that if she left it wouldn't just be her leaving the room, it would be her leaving my life. My insides contorted in a blinding pain and I would have screamed if I didn't feel as though all the air had left my body. She couldn't leave. She just couldn't.

Still nothing came out.

My heart rate quickened and I was sure my palms would forever have the engraving of my nails as I desperately tried to search for words. Any words.

I could hear my pulse ringing in my ears and I wished they'd bleed so I had physical proof of the pain grabbing at every inch of my body. My fingernails dug even deeper into my palms as a vain attempt to deal with the agony.

Think goddamn you, my mind screamed at me. Just say anything.

"I'm afraid to love.

" No, that's not right, I'm not. I love my parents – both biological and adopted. I love Emmett and Alice, though I'd never admit it to either of them. I lo-" that's where I stammered and took the chance to breathe. It had all rushed out of me, yet the pace of my words were slow and calm hiding the fear and anxiety that flooded my body. I hadn't even realised I'd begun to talk until I felt my body yell at me for more oxygen. Bella was shocked too, her eyes widened and her arms had loosened from around her.

Then I realised what I was about to say – I loved her too.

I know I'd already admitted it indirectly to her, but actually saying it to her was a completely different thing.

Instead I took deep breath and said "so no, I'm not scared to love. I guess...I guess...I-I'm scared to be loved. Or have someone feel something even remotely close to that sort affection for me. I mean, I had hid and watched as my parents were killed and I did nothing. If there is a heaven or whatever, I'm pretty sure they're not looking down at me with love. With hate, sure. But love? Not a chance. And then Carlisle and Esme practically had me thrown at them. They were forced to love me. And so were Alice and Emmett. I was stranger that one day appeared in their lives and demanded their love."

I never thought of any of this before, it just kind of fell out of my mouth. But as I said it I realised I was right and that my subconscious had been harbouring these thoughts for a long time. I could love, I'm just not so sure with the concept of being loved. When my epiphany finished I slumped forward and hold my head in my hands. It wasn't until I registered the quite sobs that I looked up.

Bella was still in the same spot, her arms dangled beside her, the difference being the tears that streaked her face. Without thinking I rushed over and hugged her. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed back. I felt her tears soaking my shirt but I couldn't care less because in that instant I realised I was crying too. Though while hers were loud, body wracking sobs, mine were quite and a pain filled my chest and I let go of her so I could try and rub it away without success. Within seconds her arms are back around me and her face was buried in the crook of my neck.

She calmed down enough to be able to loosen her grip on me and her sobs were now quite whimpers. She grabbed my hands and pulled me to my bed where she sat us down and crawled onto my lap, her arms hugging my neck and her legs circled around my waist.

Through the agony tormenting me I realised I'd been in this situation before - where she's wrapped around my body while crying. That's when I gathered enough wits to properly realise what was going on around me. I stopped the few tears running down my face and looked down at the weeping angel on my lap.

"Why are you crying?" I asked her without moving either of us.

She lifted her head, creating a bit of space between us but tightened her hold around my neck. Through all the pain wrecking my body, I managed to smile at that.

"Be-because..." she choked out, her breathing still wavered and unbalanced.

She paused for a second and composed herself. She shuffled around on my lap and I thought she was going to get up so I involuntary tighten my grip on her, not wanting to let go of her warmth and her. I thought I saw a small smile appear but it was gone before I could be sure. She stayed where she was – on my lap, with her arms and legs still wrapped around me – and took several deep breaths.

"I thought you were in one of your bitchy moods again or something when you went crazy on me. And then...and then I thought you were having doubts – that you didn't really like me that way, that it was just tired you talking and you were angry that I even thought you meant you liked me but not so angry you wouldn't want me as friend, or that...I don't know...that you were playing some really fucked up joke on me," she admitted through a whisper, her face retreating back to my neck, hiding from me.

I stared down at her shock. I never even realised that she might be scared about us too. I hugged her closer to me and breathed deeply, about to tell her how sorry I was. But her head lifted and she started talking before I could even open my mouth.

"And then there was that massive gap where you just did and said nothing. I was certain that you were trying to let me down easy or something. But then you came out with...with...with that. And fucking hell Edward, you can't do that to me!" Her finger jabbed my chest as the last part left her in a strangled wail.

"Of course Carlisle and Esme love you, just as your siblings do. You weren't thrown at them, if they didn't want you they wouldn't have taken you in. And Alice and Emmett didn't love you straight away – you were a stranger, but I'm sure it wasn't long before they considered you their brother and loved you as one." She said softly, her hands now softly caressed my shoulders and rubbed over the area of my chest she had attacked.

"And as for your parents – of course they did and still love you! How could you even think that they didn't? You're their son. Their incredibly smart, kind, thoughtful, wonderful son. Who wouldn't love a child as amazing as you? You're nothing but spectacular, and you're the only one that doesn't see that." She looked into my eyes as she said the last part. There was no doubt or lies in her chocolate orbs and I almost believed her.

Almost.

I just couldn't get over my new found revelation though. Everyone who loved me had a reason not to. Even Bella's love, be it friendship or something more, I didn't deserve. Not only because she deserved someone much better than me, but also because I'd never been honest with her. I'd never told her how I really felt and if I continued like that how would our relationship ever work?

I went to move her to the side of me at that thought, so I could get up and put distance between us. She stopped my attempt though, grasping my arms and slowly travelling her hands down to mine where she took her time linking each finger before finally our hands were clasped together. I watched her movements and revelled in how soft her touch was, how her hands were so small compared to mine, how they looked just right linked with mine.

She raised my left and her right hand up to my chin where she titled it so I was looking at her. She kept our hands there knowing I would have ducked my head again if she moved them.

"I know what you're doing Edward and stop it. Stop beating yourself up over something that isn't even true. People love you because they want to love you, not because they have to. If you're forced to love someone, then it isn't love." She stated, her tone not allowing any arguments.

I pursed my lips, still having a hard time believing her.

"It's true Edward. I...I know I can't prove it myself...That's not to say I don't love you, because I do, just not the way you want me to." She said quietly, almost as thought she were ashamed, though I didn't understand why. Why would someone be sad to not love me?

I clenched me eyes shut. I already knew what she saying was true. But hearing her say it aloud sent a jab to my stomach that seemed to take up new residence there.

"One day I might love you like that. Hell, I'm almost certain I will. I can't believe I never noticed these feelings for you before. Believe me when I tell you I think you're the most incredible and amazing person I've ever met." The words left in almost a whisper.

It sounded like what someone would say when there trying to let a person down easy, but I tried to find faith in her words.

She looked at me and I knew she could see the trouble and conflict creating a tsunami in me, making me feel beyond nauseous. I could tell by the way she squeezed my hands and, instead of giving me a pitiful look, stared at me with hope willing me to believe and I realised that if I did believe her, then the result would be amazing.

The result would be her.

I looked at her then. Stared at her tear-stained face, tears shed over me, her puffy eyes big and filled with hope and faith. Errant strands of her chocolate hair stuck to her face. I freed my right hand from her left and panic swept across her features as she thought I was going to distance us. It left though when my hand went to her face where I softly brushed away the hair from her face and reverently caressed her face. Even when she was upset she was beautiful.

She leaned into my touch and it brought a small smile to face, which in turn made her smile. Slowly, she reached for my hand and brought it down before unwinding herself from me. Panic resembling hers etched onto my face but then she held my hand once more and brought it, along with the rest of us, down to the bed so that we were laying down facing each other.

For a while we just looked at each other. Once more, silence filled the room, but instead of it choking me it felt like a blanket, cocooning us, making it just us. It made very thing more intimate and that though alone made me smile.

We laid there just smiling at each other until I couldn't resist the temptation to touch her soft face. Once more, I freed my hand and trace her delicate features, then down to her arm before brushing my hand back up and tracing her features again. When I had finished outlining the content smile that adorned her face, she brought her own hand up and with the softest of touches, skimmed the contours of my face.

It was so relaxing and soothing that my eyelids fluttered closed without me realising and my breathing started to even out with each brush of her fingers.

Just as I was felt the beginning of sleep engulf me, she spoke.

"What do you mean you hid and watched your parents get killed?"