*** This is a little bit different format from me. This should end up
being about 14 parts long. It's going to involve seven of the divas (well,
six if you don't consider Stephanie to be a diva) and their problem(s) will
be presented in the diva's point of view. Then after all of this has been
presented, there will be a chapter from the POV of the person who helps
them figure out whatever haunts them. I will warn you that these are going
to be very touchy and intense subjects (abortion, abuse, eating disorders,
depression, etc.), so don't read it if you aren't ready for that.
Okay, every chapter is going to be a song-fic. The song in this one is "Playboy Mommy" by Tori Amos. Enjoy!
*
// In my platforms
I hit the floor //
He pushed me off of the apron. It didn't matter to him, anything that I had told him. He was still determined to show the world and me that he didn't need me. He wanted everyone to believe that he was better than me.
He wanted everything to remain a secret. And the only threat to that secret was another little secret. My little secret. He would probably have done quite a lot to silence that secret too.
But even though he hurt me when he pushed me off of the apron, I don't think he wanted to hurt me. I don't think he ever intended to make me feel like I was less than dirt. Because, while I laid alone in the hospital bed later that night, that's exactly what I felt.
I felt lower than dirt and I felt like I didn't matter at all to him. And I felt this agonizing emptiness. I sacrificed everything for him. I lost the trust of some of my dearest friends for him. I made myself his dirty little secret so he could remain a fan favorite. I didn't matter. At least, that's how I felt when I was all alone in that bed.
// fell face down
didn't help my brain out //
I thought he would have come to visit me. Maybe nobody told him that I was bleeding when I came backstage. Maybe no one told him that I had been taken to the emergency room by the paramedics.
But I knew very well that Lita and Matt had seen me as I was being wheeled out. I will admit that I was in hysterics for two different reasons. But I saw them. I saw the concern clouding Lita's eyes. I saw Matt crane his neck around to look for him.
And I fell asleep in that cold, empty room. Of course, it didn't feel so cold or empty on the outside, but it was frigid in my soul. I had lost two precious things with just one push. And he still wasn't there.
Somewhere in the night I wanted to hit him. I wanted to hurt him somehow.
// then the baby came
before I found
the magic how
to keep her happy //
"Baby," a slurred voice whispered in my ear. I could smell the alcohol before I opened my eyes. "Baby, wake up."
"There is no baby," I said coldly, refusing to open my eyes. Refusing to let his blue eyes mesmerize me all over again. I couldn't let myself be drawn back into his web. "Not anymore."
"I didn't mean to push you baby," he said, sounding like a penitent child. "I didn't know you were up there. I ran into you accidentally."
And it could have been true. He could have just accidentally caused me to fall three feet to the concrete below. Maybe it wasn't intentional. But why had it taken so long for him to get there.
"Where have you been?" I asked, hating the sound of tears in my voice. "Why didn't you come sooner?"
"I went out with The Rock," he shrugged.
"The Rock?" she asked in obvious shock. "You don't even like him! I've been lying here all night and you went drinking with the The Rock?"
"Baby, calm down," he admonished.
"Get out!" I exclaimed, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I never want to see you again!"
// I never was the fantasy
of what you want
wanted me to be //
That whole time I had been so busy thinking about myself, about what I wanted and how I wanted him to treat me that I forgot why I was spending the night in the hospital.
I woke up with an ache in my heart and a pain in my abdomen. The only thing I wanted to do was roll myself up into a ball and cry until all of the tears were gone. I could live without him, but I had a sinking feeling it would be pretty hard to live with myself after what I had done.
I didn't have to come out to the ring to interfere, to play that little game we played so well. But I did. I knew what it would cost me if either him or Rob ran into me, but I risked it.
It was my fault my baby died. It was my fault that I felt like everything inside of me had died and my body was still walking around aimlessly. It was me.
// Don't judge me so harsh little girl
so you got a playboy mommy //
I never thought it would hurt so much. I had a friend in college who miscarried a baby. She cried for a few days, but after that she was pretty much fine. She pretty much got over everything.
But I was dying inside. Every morning I woke up and I died a little more. I expected to feel movement inside of me and it never came. I couldn't stand that deep, cutting pain.
That's when I began to push my closest friend away. The only person who had stood by me through the entire ordeal of a relationship. And it was my fault that he thought I honestly was the bitch everyone thought I was. It was my fault that he divorced me. It was my fault that my world shattered, because I couldn't believe anyone would want to be close to me. I couldn't imagine anyone caring for me.
// but when you tell em my name
and you want to cross that
Bridge all on your own //
So many casualties came out of that one night, that one fall. My baby was the most tangible loss. Sometimes I dream about what she would have been like. She would have had my eyes and his blond hair. My brains and his wit. And then I wake up and realize it was a cruel dream. Even my subconscious is punishing me for causing myself to fall.
Then I lost the man who was my passion, the man who set me on fire. I didn't lose him, I told him to get lost. And he did. The next thing I knew he was messing around with some mat rat. It hurt my heart every single time I would see him laughing or acting like something life changing hadn't occurred.
Maybe it only changed my life. He just lost me. I lost him, my baby, my best friend, and myself.
I wonder if I'll ever find myself.
// little girl they'll do you no harm
cause they know
Your playboy mommy //
Sometimes I wish that I could die and go to heaven and look after my baby. Then I wouldn't live with this mind numbing pain, day after day. Then I wouldn't have to work so hard to get out of bed every morning. I wouldn't have to remind myself to smile. I wouldn't have to be here.
Sometimes here can be such a cruel place. Sometimes it actually seems like a void, where stuff is going on around you, but you can't participate and you can't stop anything and you feel like you're spinning out of control.
I hope that my baby girl is up in heaven, watching over me. I hope that she knows that I love her, even though I didn't have the sense to protect her with every bit of myself. I hope she can forgive me for my sin against her. I hope she knows that I wish she was with me so badly that it physically hurts.
// but when you tell em my name
from here to Birmingham I got a few friends //
"Stephanie, you okay?" he asked, actually sounding concerned.
"I'm just dandy," I said sarcastically. "Yourself?"
"I'm okay," he said cautiously. "Why are you crying?"
"Why would you care?" I asked. "You never did before."
"That's not fair," he said, sitting next to me. "One night I wasn't there for you and you excommunicate me from your life."
"The one night I really needed you!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you know that I was in the hospital?"
"I did," he admitted sadly. "And I knew it was me who put you there. It was me. And I couldn't change that. And I hated it. I couldn't handle it Stephanie."
"And you thought I could?" I asked. "I came down to the ring and I killed our baby!"
"No you didn't," he said, so calmly, so honestly that I could almost believe him.
"Why? Why my baby?" I asked, tears again filling my eyes. "Why couldn't it have been something else? Anything else?"
"Sweetheart," he said. "Life sucks. You and I should know that by now."
// I never was there was there when it counts
I get my way
you're so like me //
"Do you blame me?" I asked him. My face was cradled in his neck. He stroked my bare arms.
"Hmm?" he asked.
"Do you blame me for losing the baby?" I asked him. "I know you didn't want a baby, but still."
"Can we not talk about this?" he asked.
"I need to," I said.
"Why?" he asked. "We just made up baby. Why rock the boat?"
"Is that what I would be doing?" I asked, sitting up and pulling the sheet up to cover myself. "Would I upset your perfect little world?"
"Stephanie," he sighed.
"Don't Stephanie me," I said. "I don't want to be with you if you are going to pretend that nothing happened. Something happened! And it destroyed my life!"
"Then isn't it easier to just move on and leave it in the past where it belongs?" he asked.
"No," I said. "Because it's here, inside of me."
// you seemed ashamed
ashamed that I was
a good friend of American soldiers //
"I can't do this," I said, standing up and gathering my clothes.
"Do what?" he asked, getting up and slipping on a pair of boxers.
"I can't be with you," I said. "I can't just ignore a big part of my life. I know that I can't be with you. You're ashamed of me. I know that you use me."
"I use you?" he asked in disbelief. "I use you?"
"Yeah," I said. "You use me to prove to yourself that someone desires you, that someone needs you. But you don't want to need me."
"You on the other hand," he said. "Use me to have something exciting. You're so bored with the life that you've been given that you need a little excitement to liven up your life."
"That's not true," I said.
"It's not?" he asked. "Then why were you with me?"
"Because I cared about you," I said.
"Liar," he said. "You needed something that no one else was giving you. You needed excitement. You needed someone to make you feel alive and daring."
// I'll say it loud here by your grave
those angels can't
ever take my place //
"Do you know how hard it is?" I asked him.
"What? To be you?" he asked.
"To be alive?" I asked.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked. "You used to be so alive."
"I used to be alive," I said sadly. "It ripped something out of me when I killed my baby. I haven't been the same."
"You didn't kill the baby!" he yelled at me. "You weren't the one to blame!"
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"It was me!" he exclaimed. "I was the one who did it! It was me who killed the baby, it was me who ruined us."
"You didn't," I said, confused. "I did that."
"No," he said. "I purposely made you feel like nothing. It scared me when you told me that you were pregnant. It scared me when I couldn't feel anything for the baby. It scared me that I wanted to get as far away from you as I could."
"What?" I asked.
// somewhere where the orchids grow
I can't find those church bells
that played when you died //
"I wanted you to lose the baby," he said. "It made everything easier. I didn't push you on purpose. I was pushed into you. But I wasn't devastated."
"Are you mad at me for caring about the baby?" I asked.
"No, I'm mad at myself," he said. "I took everything for granted. I thought that I would be fine without you. I was wrong."
"I, what do you want from me?" I stammered.
"I want to be with you," he said. "That's all. But I don't think you can be with me. I think it might destroy you."
"No, I need you now," I said.
"Stephanie, you never needed me," he said. "You convinced yourself that you needed me. You never needed anyone."
"You're being crazy," I said. "I need you so much."
"Then why didn't you come to me?" he asked. "Why did I have to come to you?"
// played Gloria
talkin bout
Hosanna //
"I don't know," I said, feeling more confused that I ever had before.
"You may be scared Stephanie," he said. "But you don't need me. You need to get over you're pain alone."
"What if I can't?" I asked, tears in my eyes.
"Don't make this hard on me Stephanie?" he pleaded. "I want you so much that it physically hurts. But this is better for you."
"You're wrong," I said with conviction.
"I wish I was," he said sadly.
Minutes later, I was sitting on my bed alone. Wondering how I would ever survive alone. How could I ever recover that part of me that kept me alive if he wasn't with me. He didn't seem to understand that he was my fire.
"Damn you Chris Jericho," I said, looking at the door he had walked out of.
I wrapped my arms around my abdomen and felt so alone.
// don't judge me so harsh little girl //
Okay, every chapter is going to be a song-fic. The song in this one is "Playboy Mommy" by Tori Amos. Enjoy!
*
// In my platforms
I hit the floor //
He pushed me off of the apron. It didn't matter to him, anything that I had told him. He was still determined to show the world and me that he didn't need me. He wanted everyone to believe that he was better than me.
He wanted everything to remain a secret. And the only threat to that secret was another little secret. My little secret. He would probably have done quite a lot to silence that secret too.
But even though he hurt me when he pushed me off of the apron, I don't think he wanted to hurt me. I don't think he ever intended to make me feel like I was less than dirt. Because, while I laid alone in the hospital bed later that night, that's exactly what I felt.
I felt lower than dirt and I felt like I didn't matter at all to him. And I felt this agonizing emptiness. I sacrificed everything for him. I lost the trust of some of my dearest friends for him. I made myself his dirty little secret so he could remain a fan favorite. I didn't matter. At least, that's how I felt when I was all alone in that bed.
// fell face down
didn't help my brain out //
I thought he would have come to visit me. Maybe nobody told him that I was bleeding when I came backstage. Maybe no one told him that I had been taken to the emergency room by the paramedics.
But I knew very well that Lita and Matt had seen me as I was being wheeled out. I will admit that I was in hysterics for two different reasons. But I saw them. I saw the concern clouding Lita's eyes. I saw Matt crane his neck around to look for him.
And I fell asleep in that cold, empty room. Of course, it didn't feel so cold or empty on the outside, but it was frigid in my soul. I had lost two precious things with just one push. And he still wasn't there.
Somewhere in the night I wanted to hit him. I wanted to hurt him somehow.
// then the baby came
before I found
the magic how
to keep her happy //
"Baby," a slurred voice whispered in my ear. I could smell the alcohol before I opened my eyes. "Baby, wake up."
"There is no baby," I said coldly, refusing to open my eyes. Refusing to let his blue eyes mesmerize me all over again. I couldn't let myself be drawn back into his web. "Not anymore."
"I didn't mean to push you baby," he said, sounding like a penitent child. "I didn't know you were up there. I ran into you accidentally."
And it could have been true. He could have just accidentally caused me to fall three feet to the concrete below. Maybe it wasn't intentional. But why had it taken so long for him to get there.
"Where have you been?" I asked, hating the sound of tears in my voice. "Why didn't you come sooner?"
"I went out with The Rock," he shrugged.
"The Rock?" she asked in obvious shock. "You don't even like him! I've been lying here all night and you went drinking with the The Rock?"
"Baby, calm down," he admonished.
"Get out!" I exclaimed, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I never want to see you again!"
// I never was the fantasy
of what you want
wanted me to be //
That whole time I had been so busy thinking about myself, about what I wanted and how I wanted him to treat me that I forgot why I was spending the night in the hospital.
I woke up with an ache in my heart and a pain in my abdomen. The only thing I wanted to do was roll myself up into a ball and cry until all of the tears were gone. I could live without him, but I had a sinking feeling it would be pretty hard to live with myself after what I had done.
I didn't have to come out to the ring to interfere, to play that little game we played so well. But I did. I knew what it would cost me if either him or Rob ran into me, but I risked it.
It was my fault my baby died. It was my fault that I felt like everything inside of me had died and my body was still walking around aimlessly. It was me.
// Don't judge me so harsh little girl
so you got a playboy mommy //
I never thought it would hurt so much. I had a friend in college who miscarried a baby. She cried for a few days, but after that she was pretty much fine. She pretty much got over everything.
But I was dying inside. Every morning I woke up and I died a little more. I expected to feel movement inside of me and it never came. I couldn't stand that deep, cutting pain.
That's when I began to push my closest friend away. The only person who had stood by me through the entire ordeal of a relationship. And it was my fault that he thought I honestly was the bitch everyone thought I was. It was my fault that he divorced me. It was my fault that my world shattered, because I couldn't believe anyone would want to be close to me. I couldn't imagine anyone caring for me.
// but when you tell em my name
and you want to cross that
Bridge all on your own //
So many casualties came out of that one night, that one fall. My baby was the most tangible loss. Sometimes I dream about what she would have been like. She would have had my eyes and his blond hair. My brains and his wit. And then I wake up and realize it was a cruel dream. Even my subconscious is punishing me for causing myself to fall.
Then I lost the man who was my passion, the man who set me on fire. I didn't lose him, I told him to get lost. And he did. The next thing I knew he was messing around with some mat rat. It hurt my heart every single time I would see him laughing or acting like something life changing hadn't occurred.
Maybe it only changed my life. He just lost me. I lost him, my baby, my best friend, and myself.
I wonder if I'll ever find myself.
// little girl they'll do you no harm
cause they know
Your playboy mommy //
Sometimes I wish that I could die and go to heaven and look after my baby. Then I wouldn't live with this mind numbing pain, day after day. Then I wouldn't have to work so hard to get out of bed every morning. I wouldn't have to remind myself to smile. I wouldn't have to be here.
Sometimes here can be such a cruel place. Sometimes it actually seems like a void, where stuff is going on around you, but you can't participate and you can't stop anything and you feel like you're spinning out of control.
I hope that my baby girl is up in heaven, watching over me. I hope that she knows that I love her, even though I didn't have the sense to protect her with every bit of myself. I hope she can forgive me for my sin against her. I hope she knows that I wish she was with me so badly that it physically hurts.
// but when you tell em my name
from here to Birmingham I got a few friends //
"Stephanie, you okay?" he asked, actually sounding concerned.
"I'm just dandy," I said sarcastically. "Yourself?"
"I'm okay," he said cautiously. "Why are you crying?"
"Why would you care?" I asked. "You never did before."
"That's not fair," he said, sitting next to me. "One night I wasn't there for you and you excommunicate me from your life."
"The one night I really needed you!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you know that I was in the hospital?"
"I did," he admitted sadly. "And I knew it was me who put you there. It was me. And I couldn't change that. And I hated it. I couldn't handle it Stephanie."
"And you thought I could?" I asked. "I came down to the ring and I killed our baby!"
"No you didn't," he said, so calmly, so honestly that I could almost believe him.
"Why? Why my baby?" I asked, tears again filling my eyes. "Why couldn't it have been something else? Anything else?"
"Sweetheart," he said. "Life sucks. You and I should know that by now."
// I never was there was there when it counts
I get my way
you're so like me //
"Do you blame me?" I asked him. My face was cradled in his neck. He stroked my bare arms.
"Hmm?" he asked.
"Do you blame me for losing the baby?" I asked him. "I know you didn't want a baby, but still."
"Can we not talk about this?" he asked.
"I need to," I said.
"Why?" he asked. "We just made up baby. Why rock the boat?"
"Is that what I would be doing?" I asked, sitting up and pulling the sheet up to cover myself. "Would I upset your perfect little world?"
"Stephanie," he sighed.
"Don't Stephanie me," I said. "I don't want to be with you if you are going to pretend that nothing happened. Something happened! And it destroyed my life!"
"Then isn't it easier to just move on and leave it in the past where it belongs?" he asked.
"No," I said. "Because it's here, inside of me."
// you seemed ashamed
ashamed that I was
a good friend of American soldiers //
"I can't do this," I said, standing up and gathering my clothes.
"Do what?" he asked, getting up and slipping on a pair of boxers.
"I can't be with you," I said. "I can't just ignore a big part of my life. I know that I can't be with you. You're ashamed of me. I know that you use me."
"I use you?" he asked in disbelief. "I use you?"
"Yeah," I said. "You use me to prove to yourself that someone desires you, that someone needs you. But you don't want to need me."
"You on the other hand," he said. "Use me to have something exciting. You're so bored with the life that you've been given that you need a little excitement to liven up your life."
"That's not true," I said.
"It's not?" he asked. "Then why were you with me?"
"Because I cared about you," I said.
"Liar," he said. "You needed something that no one else was giving you. You needed excitement. You needed someone to make you feel alive and daring."
// I'll say it loud here by your grave
those angels can't
ever take my place //
"Do you know how hard it is?" I asked him.
"What? To be you?" he asked.
"To be alive?" I asked.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked. "You used to be so alive."
"I used to be alive," I said sadly. "It ripped something out of me when I killed my baby. I haven't been the same."
"You didn't kill the baby!" he yelled at me. "You weren't the one to blame!"
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"It was me!" he exclaimed. "I was the one who did it! It was me who killed the baby, it was me who ruined us."
"You didn't," I said, confused. "I did that."
"No," he said. "I purposely made you feel like nothing. It scared me when you told me that you were pregnant. It scared me when I couldn't feel anything for the baby. It scared me that I wanted to get as far away from you as I could."
"What?" I asked.
// somewhere where the orchids grow
I can't find those church bells
that played when you died //
"I wanted you to lose the baby," he said. "It made everything easier. I didn't push you on purpose. I was pushed into you. But I wasn't devastated."
"Are you mad at me for caring about the baby?" I asked.
"No, I'm mad at myself," he said. "I took everything for granted. I thought that I would be fine without you. I was wrong."
"I, what do you want from me?" I stammered.
"I want to be with you," he said. "That's all. But I don't think you can be with me. I think it might destroy you."
"No, I need you now," I said.
"Stephanie, you never needed me," he said. "You convinced yourself that you needed me. You never needed anyone."
"You're being crazy," I said. "I need you so much."
"Then why didn't you come to me?" he asked. "Why did I have to come to you?"
// played Gloria
talkin bout
Hosanna //
"I don't know," I said, feeling more confused that I ever had before.
"You may be scared Stephanie," he said. "But you don't need me. You need to get over you're pain alone."
"What if I can't?" I asked, tears in my eyes.
"Don't make this hard on me Stephanie?" he pleaded. "I want you so much that it physically hurts. But this is better for you."
"You're wrong," I said with conviction.
"I wish I was," he said sadly.
Minutes later, I was sitting on my bed alone. Wondering how I would ever survive alone. How could I ever recover that part of me that kept me alive if he wasn't with me. He didn't seem to understand that he was my fire.
"Damn you Chris Jericho," I said, looking at the door he had walked out of.
I wrapped my arms around my abdomen and felt so alone.
// don't judge me so harsh little girl //