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Shepard felt cold. Despite the temperature regulators in her suit and the fact that she was now back in the safety of the Normandy she still felt the icy chill of Alchera down her spine. She thought that Horizon had been difficult. Seeing Ashley again and hearing her feelings of betrayal. It didn't compare to seeing the memories of Kaidan, Pressly, and the lost crew members. Shepard considered going to her quarters, but felt her stomach clench at the thought of being alone with no distractions. As she entered the elevator she hit the button for engineering. Still clad in her armor she hesitated a moment before stepping through the doors to the starboard cargo hold.

She could have gone anywhere. Any one of her crew members would have been glad to accept her company and offer theirs. But Shepard couldn't find the strength or the will to wear the mask that she would have to for them. Zaeed was different. She wasn't about to start bawling her eyes out to him, but they had an understanding. Anyone else would try to be sensitive and caring. Shepard didn't expect that of Zaeed. She expected him to say something like 'Suck it up. You're no worse off than everyone else.' and maybe that was why she chose to go to him. She needed someone to wake her up tell her she was being crazy.

Shepard slid the knives to the other side of the crate as she sat down near Zaeed's usual hang out.

"Back for mo-" Zaeed started to say then paused. Shepard sat in silence, staring at the gloved hands in her lap. "You don't look so good, Shepard."

"I'm fine," She finally said trying to keep her voice even. " Just...I don't know."

"Did I miss something?" He asked confused. Shepard shifted slightly in her seat looking a little more alive, but no less pained in the face.

"Have you ever lost something? Something major that changed you in every way and every day people can't wait to remind you of it. They act like it's your fault, but there was nothing you could do. You feel like the victim and people treat you like the culprit." She took a breath. "Losing everything that defined you can make you feel like you've utterly lost yourself. No one considers that. They're all just ready to jump down your throat for something you have next to no control over. I have no control over anything anymore and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning." Shepard opened her mouth a little in disbelief at her last sentence. She had no intention of spilling her guts out to anyone and felt slightly ashamed that she'd let herself say these things to a member of her team. They weren't supposed to see this side of her.

For a moment Zaeed was quiet, considering her words with an ambiguous look on his face. "Shepard, I don't know how you bloody do it," He said shaking his head. "Everyone treats you like this goddamn hero. It's no big wonder why, but even heroes need a break."

There was silence for a moment. Shepard was the first to break it. "I found my old N7 helmet. It doesn't feel like it belongs to me anymore. Since I was brought back...I just feel different. I know my mission and nothing will deter me from it. But whenever I'm not in battle I feel lost. Like I'm trying to put the pieces back together, but I'm missing some." She sighed a little fidgeting with the edges of the crate she sat on. Saying these things out loud, and to Zaeed no less, just made her feel embarrassed. She didn't imagine there was anything he could say to make her feel better, but she needed to at least voice her feelings.

"Believe it or not I think I know how you feel," He said quietly. "When that bastard Vido betrayed me I lost my shit. Had to start from scratch as a merc. It was hard getting work. Vido had fucked me over in any way he could and no one would work with me. Eventually worked my way back up and now I wouldn't have it any other way." Shepard hadn't thought about it, but Zaeed had nearly died once too. Getting shot in the face and barely surviving, having your partner and friend betray you, turn your people against you, and leave you with nothing left in the world. She had to admit it had a ring of familiarity. Maybe not the betrayal part that came later. But coming back with none of the things you held dear and trying to survive. It was all too similar. Seemingly out of nowhere they'd actually found some common ground. Something that went past her just wanting to listen to his stories to escape her own.

Shepard got up to leave and as she did so did he bringing them very close together. Before she could stop herself she leaned forward and gave Zaeed a ghost of a kiss on his unscarred cheek. A small "Thanks" was all she could manage as she turned and exited the cargo hold speeding towards the elevator.

She didn't see him for three days. It's somewhat difficult to avoid someone for so long when you're on the same ship but she managed. It took some extra sleuthing and maybe a lesson or two from Kasumi, but Shepard had been pretty successful at avoiding Zaeed so far. She was even starting to feel proud of herself.

Zaeed had surprised Shepard with the way he handled her confessions. Rather than receiving a cold blow of cynicism she had instead received some sort of warmth and empathy. Enough to shock her into doing something very out of character and not realising how unprofessional it was until too late. She hoped he would just let it go, but she knew better than to believe that he would. And that was how had she gotten here. Sneaking out of the elevator at engineering trying to get to Tali without being seen or heard by anyone else. But luck just wasn't on her side.

The starboard cargo hold opened as soon as she stepped foot off the lift. Zaeed stood in the doorway looking as intimidating as usual. His mismatched eyes were locked with her's. Nowhere to hide Shepard stepped towards him.

"Zaeed..." she started to say, but nothing else came. She quickly diverted her stare through the window taking in the view of the Kodiak shuttle.

"Shepard," he said evenly. "Got a minute?"

"Umm actually I was just on my way to see Tali. Could it wait a bit?" Shepard tried to keep her voice calm but missed by just a fraction. She had no idea why she was acting this way. Zaeed was just an old merc that the Illusive Man had happened to want on her team. She wasn't interested in him like that. In many ways they were opposites. Sure she hated him a little less than she initially did, but was that any reason to start acting like a flustered school girl?

"Actually it's goddamn important. Step into my office..." he replied gesturing toward the cargo bay. He waited outside until she finally rolled her eyes and stepped inside.

"What is it?" Shepard asked in obvious annoyance. When he didn't reply she continued, "Look if this is about the other day... that was nothing I accidentally lost my balance. Sorry." She had no idea where the lame excuse came from, but there it was. Zaeed just stood there leaning against the railing with a smirk, the bastard.

More silence. He still hadn't said anything. Shepard shifted her balance from foot to foot staring at the surveillance screen in the corner. It was set to the camera right outside the elevator on the engineering deck. So that was how he'd tracked her down. Great. He tracked her down just to bring her in here and humiliate her. Shepard started to get nervous and more than a little enraged.

"Listen Zaeed!" she shouted startling him a little. "I'm the commanding officer aboard this ship. I don't have the time to spend all day standing around in here watching my fingernails grow. I have things to do." Shepard crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently.

Zaeed's smirk had returned if only a little slighter. He was obviously enjoying watching her struggle to keep her calm. He stepped forward so that he was mere inches from Shepard.

"What are you doing?" she growled. "Stop fooling around!" His smile widened just before he leaned in and pressed his lips to her's lightly. Shepard stilled. After a beat she pushed Zaeed back and repeated the question with slightly less conviction, "Wh-what are you d-doing?"

Zaeed stepped forward again, but this time Shepard was the one to lean in.