Chapter 1 written by Alla Bethany

P.S. I do not own anything other than the baby. If I did this would be an episode.

Chapter 1: Look what I found!

"Lucy I'm hooome!"

Ivy peeked around a corner.

"Did you just call me Lucy?" She asked puzzled. Harley Quinn attempted to explain herself, looking up at the ceiling as she tried to think of a way to put her thoughts into words.

"It's from-" She paused. "Never mind…"

"Where have you been anyway?" Ivy asked, watering a row of plants covering the counter. She was moody, as usual.

"I have a surprise for you!" Harvey stated with delight. "You'll never guess what I found at the park!"

"If you brought home another family of rabbits, I swear-"

"It's not rabbits!" The giggling blonde replied, pulling a duffle bag out from around the corner. "It's even better!"

"Someone's used gym clothes…?"

"Nah, I emptied those when I took the bag."

She began unzipping the duffle bag, removing a straw from the top. Harley held the straw up in delight, "So it can breathe." She explained. Good god… Ivy thought. It was something alive…

"Ta-da!" Harley cheered with enthusiasm as she held the bags contents by the armpits. There, in their apartment, in the hands of Harley Quinn, was someone else's…

Infant.

"No." Ivy stated at the sight of the confused child.

"Awww, come oooon!"

"Give it back…"

"You're such a party pooper." Harvey wined as she incorrectly cradled the infant. "You'll grow to like her. I named her Harley Jr."

"She already has a name: Someone. Else's. Baby."

"I want her!"

"She's not a dog… Even if she was, she would still belong to someone else."

"Well she's mine now." Harley stated, lifting the baby up to try to get Ivy to hold her. "I promise I'll take care of her. You won't have to lift an evil little finger. And when she grows up, she can be my sidekick. She could be very essential to us in the future."

Ivy took hold of the red headed infant, propping it's head on her shoulder.

"You don't even know how to hold it." She said.

"Her."

"Did you check?"

"Don't have to." Harley shrugged, "Motherly instinct. I told you that I could take care of her."

Ivy sighed.

"With what exactly? Refrigerated milk and paper towel diapers? Where would it- she- sleep?"

"Three words, Red," Harley grinned, "Breast milk, maxi pads, and our bed."

"We barley fit in our bed, you don't produce breast milk, and you can't use maxi pads as diapers!"

"If I get some duct tape I can. And who says that I can't produce breast milk?"

"You can't just command it to appear. You have to be pregnant or on some sort of hormone."

Harley cocked her head in confusion.

"Um… No, you're born with it."

"You don't deserve to have the word 'Dr.' in your title…"

"You're just jealous because I found her and you didn't."

"Yeah… That's what's happening…" Ivy grumbled sarcastically. "You have no idea how to care for a baby. If you had ever gotten pregnant, your bastard would have dug itself out of your womb to find a hobo to live with."

"Now wait just a minute! You can insult my parenting skills all you want, I know that I have some learning to do, but under no circumstances do you have the right to insult my womb!"

Harley took the baby from Ivy, putting it back in the duffle bag like it was a cradle. "Come on Harley Jr. I'll show you around your new home."

Slapping a palm to her face, Ivy sighed.

"You're not keeping it!"