I don't own Digimon. Toei owned Digimon during Adventure, and during 02, and will own it during Frontier, so what makes you think they wouldn't own it during Tamers? I also don't own any of the anime, television shows, songs or products that might be mentioned, bashed or spoofed herein.
This is my new humor series starring my favorite group of villains, the Devas. Most episodes will feature numerous other Tamer guest stars. The R rating is for language sexually oriented humor, not lemons. Actually most of it is probably PG-13. I just rated it R to be safe. Some episodes may have characters that haven't been in the US version yet. This is sort of a continuation of my Christmas fic. As in all my stories, the Tamers and their friends are all 13. I use only Japanese names and attack names. I also use Japanese titles (san, chan, kun etc.). I will translate and Americanize for you at the end of the fic. I will also put what animal each Deva is in their translation to help you remember what each one is. (It took me a little while to memorize which is which ^_^) Welcome to the OOC insanity that is my mind:
~*~
A Little Dose of Devas (and Tamers too)The Devas and Tamers star in: Episode 1, Laid off
We join our villainous…errr…villians enjoying a nice morning at their castle. Majiramon is in the kitchen taking a cell phone call. Yes, Digimon have cell phones. I know they don't have the cellular tower. Damn it! Stop questioning me! I'm just narrating. Just read my freaking fic!
"Fired?!" Majiramon, the old dragon Deva, yelled into his unusually large cell phone.
"Not fired. I'm just laying you off for a while. Until things pick up," said the voice of Zhuqiaomon, the Deva God.
"But boss, we you're Devas. We always do what you tell us."
"Yeah yeah, I know. Look, after the Tamers rid the Digital World of evil things have been slow. Money is tight."
"We can still torment humans. Remember Christmas?" Majiramon whined.
"Christmas? Umm…oh yeah. Christmas was good," the Southern guardian said, remembering the good time he had with some Angewomon.
"See, we're good servants."
"Weren't you supposed to stop Christmas?"
"Well…"
"Forget it. My hands are tied. My lawyer is hard at work trying to find the funds right now."
"Oh Sukie, the bathwater is getting cold," a female voice called from the background.
"Uhh, that must be her right now. I have to go get busy…WITH WORK. Yes, get busy with work," Zhuqiaomon stuttered nervously.
"Of course," Majiramon snickered.
"Oh I almost forgot. Since you aren't Devas, you can't live in your castle anymore."
"What?!"
"Sorry, it's the rules."
"But where will we go?"
"How am I supposed to know," a soft moaning could be heard in the background. "I have to go. I think my lawyer is starting without me, and I'm still talking about WORK!" Zhuqiaomon insisted before he hung up.
Majiramon snickered before heading from the kitchen to the living room of the Deva's castle. The other Deva's sat around a rather enormous television, watching one of their favorite programs, "Alright guys, I have bad…"
"Shut up! This is the best part!" Chatsuramon, a large blue bulldog, hushed.
"Pyle!"
"Shazaam!"
"Pyle!"
"Shazaam!"
"Pyle!"
"Shazaam!"
"Bahahaha…shazaam!" Vajiramon, a large red armored bull practically fell over laughing.
"Ahhhhh! My eyes! I think I'm too close to the screen!" the ever-injured purple pony Indaramon wailed.
"That Gomer Pyle thinks of everything," the sheep, and only femme Deva, Pajiramon commented.
"Human armies need more people like him. They would be unstoppable," Kunbiramon, a small, white, cybernetic, rat like creature added.
Shinduramon, a rooster like creature who loved electricity, spoke up, "All they are all hardasses like that Sergeant Carter guy."
Majiramon sleep his forehead at his comrades' stupidity, "Will all of you shut up! We just got laid off!"
"But…we're the Devas. We can't be laid off," Mihiramon, the tiger Deva, said.
A huge boar went wide-eyed, "I don't remember getting laid," the childlike, but largest Deva, Vikararamon asked.
"Not laid, laid off!" Majiramon insisted. "Deva God just called."
"Is this some kind of April fools joke, sweetie pie," came an almost feminine voice as Santiramon, a large snake, coiled around Majiramon.
The old dragon wrestled with his 'lover', "It's not a joke. Now get off me and for god's sake stop calling me that!"
"Why? I want the whole world to know about us," the snake Deva commented, recalling the events of the past Christmas.
"Aww, that's so sweet," Kunbiramon smirked.
"Shut up, mouse!" Majiramon scoffed. He refocused on the snake, "For the last time, there is no US. There was never an 'us'! There never will be an 'us'!"
"But…Christmas?"
"That was nothing."
Santiramon looked like he was going to cry, "T-that entire night meant nothing to you? Oh you big tease. You love me and you know it."
"ENTIRE night?" the monkey Deva Makuramon raised an eyebrow. "Just how far did you two go?"
"Nowhere!" the dragon yelled. "I'm tired of listening to all these ridiculous allegations. I'm going to my room before we're evicted."
"Evicted?" Chatsuramon questioned.
"The boss said we couldn't live here anymore because we aren't Devas."
"This is so wrong," Mihiramon insisted.
"Uhh guys, I think we are being evicted now," Shinduramon pointed to the rapidly deleting room.
"But…we didn't get time to get our stuff. Sweet lord, my nudie magazines are still in my room!!!" Majiramon said in horror.
"Not anymore," Kunbiramon pointed as various books started to rain from the deleted ceiling.
"My porn!!!" Majiramon tired desperately to catch the magazine as the others snickered.
"I'll help you, sweetcakes."
"Stop that!"
"Bahaha, ahhh!" Indaramon suddenly cried out as a large red heart shaped bed fell on him. "Sweet lord this is a big bed!"
"Hey shut up!" Pajiramon scolded, defending her bed.
"Hey guys, aren't we all going to fall when this floor deletes?" Chatsuramon reminded.
"Not all of us," Mihiramon said, floating with his wings. He was suddenly knocked unconscious as he was crushed by a large doghouse.
"You sleep in a doghouse?" Shinduramon asked his fellow Deva.
"It's cozy," the blue bulldog defended.
"At least it isn't called 'The Love Nest'," Kunbiramon pointed to a tag on Pajiramon's bed.
"God damn it! Leave my bed alone! It's a nice bed."
"Ahhhh!" Vikararamon was the first to plummet thorough the floor to the ground. The other Devas soon joined him. Even the fliers where smashed under the non-deleted debris.
As the dust settled Majiramon was the first to awaken, or so he thought, "Santiramon, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"
"Shh, the others are still out. I thought we could get a 'quickie' in before they wake up."
"Get off!!!!"
"Don't worry, I'll get you offfff…" the sex happy snake was flung several kilometers by the enraged dragon.
"Get up, you dumbassmon! We have to find a new home, and new jobs"
Kunbiramon threw various knickknacks off himself, "But…we aren't Devas anymore. And most Digimon hate us."
"It's hopeless," Vikararamon whined as hate got up.
"What do we do now?" Pajiramon asked.
"Don't worry. I'll think of a plan," Majiramon said, smiling arrogantly.
Five minutes later…
"Come on mouse, think of a plan!" the old dragon commanded, shaking Kunbiramon mercilessly.
"I'mmmm tryyyyiiiiing buuuut youuuu woooon't stoooop shaaakiiiiing meeee."
Majiramon sighed as he put the Rat Deva down, "Fine."
"Ha, that's it."
"You have a plan?" Makuramon asked hopefully.
"No, but I needed a four letter word that means good looking," Kunbiramon smirked as he scrawled on a crossword puzzle. "But, I do think I have a solution for our problems," he said quickly as the others were beginning to advance on him.
~*~
A week later a thirteen-year-old gogglehead that we all know very well is helping his parents in their bakery. Why? Because he wants to, that's why! Why are you always questioning me?
"Takato, get the door!" his mother, Matsuda Mie yelled from the kitchen.
"Ok," the brown haired Tamer returns as he finishes setting up the display counter. He walked to the front door and called out, "Who is it?"
"Ex-Devas!" a pair of familiar voices returned.
"Ex-Devas?"
"Homeless ex-Devas!"
"Homeless? But…"
"Just let us in!"
Hmm, let two Devas in the front door because they tell me to? Yeah, sounds good. Takato opened the front door and was greeted by a two pairs of staring red eyes, belonging to Mihiramon and Chatsuramon, "What are you two doing here?
"We're moving in," Chatsuramon declared.
"Yeah, we need a place to bash and we thought we'd bash here," Mihiramon said.
Takato sweatdropped, "Ok. First off, it's CRASH not bash. Second, you aren't crashing here."
"Why not?"
"Because there no room for you."
"But we're homeless," Chatsuramon said.
"Yeah, if you showed up homeless on our doorstep do you think we just send you out in the cold?" Mihiramon asked.
"Well, I suppose that's tr…hey wait a minute! Yes you would!"
"Ok, so maybe we would, but still you're a good guy."
"So?"
"So the good guy always helps the bad guy when he in trouble," Mihiramon explained.
"He does?"
"Yep, it's part of the rules," Chatsuramon pulled out a book that read 'Big Ass Book of Rules to Being a Tamer' out of seemingly nowhere.
"Hey, where did you get that from?"
"You don't want to know, kid," the blue bulldog assured. "Ok, it says here on page two forty-three, section five, paragraph one that a good Tamer is always courteous, even to his enemies."
"Let me see that," Takato nearly collapsed under the weight on the book. "Damn it! It really does say that. Fine, would you like to come it…gentlemon?" the brown-haired Tamer said in a sarcastic voice.
"Why isn't he offering us delicious OJ?" Mihiramon whispered to his accomplice.
"He will."
"You said there would be OJ, damn it. Why am I not drink my nice refreshing glass of OJ right now?"
"Be patient," Chatsuramon whispered firmly. Mihiramon grumbled and sat down on the couch, nearly smashing it under his weight.
Takato panicked, "Hey, don't sit there!"
"What about here?" Chatsuramon asked, attempting to wedge himself into a small wooden rocker. "Oops, I think I broke it."
"No! Oh for god's sake. My mom is going to kill me."
"It's stuck to my ass! Get it off! Get it off!" the dog panicked smashing various things as he attempted to free himself from the rocking chair's 'grasp'.
"Takato, what's all that noise?" Mie called.
"Nothing mom!"
"You have a mom?" Chatsuramon asked curiously.
"Yes, don't you?"
"Nope."
"I wanna see her," Chatsuramon ran into the bakery part of the Matsuda home, smashing various things.
"Get back here!" Takato ran after him.
"Why the hell aren't I knocking back a glass of OJ yet?" Mihiramon wondered aloud.
Takato expected to hear screams from the kitchen. Instead, he was met when a very angry Mie, "What did I tell you about bringing pet's home?"
"You…aren't scared?"
"Don't change the subject young man! Answer my question."
"But mom, I had to let him in. It's part of being a Tamer."
Mie turned to Chatsuramon, "Is this true?"
"I dunno. He just let us in and said we can live here from now on."
"Damn it Takato!"
"But…"
"Don't pass the buck, mister. Now, I want you to take your dog Digimon outside and…damn it Takato, you got a cat too!" Mie yelled as Mihiramon walked in to the room.
"But mom…it wasn't my fault. Who are you going to believe, these Devas or your son?"
Five Minutes later…
"Damn Devas, get me in trouble. Never listens to me…" Takato grumbled as he sat outside with his two 'pets'.
"These are good," Chatsuramon said, eating some cinnamons roll Mie had given him for being a 'nice doggie'.
Mihiramon took his opportunity, "You know what would wash these down, some nice refreshing O…"
"You mom has a nice ass," Chatsuramon interrupted.
"Hey!"
"Well, she does."
Takato grumbled louder, "I wish Guilmon were here."
"I'm right here, Takato."
"AHH! Guilmon! How long have you been there?"
"I've been right behind you for about a week."
"You have?"
"Yep."
"And nobody noticed you?"
"Nope."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I did, but you were playing with Juri."
"I was?"
"Yeah. I remember the whole thing…"
~Guilmon walked into the Matsuda home. Takato's parents were gone for the weekend and he was enjoying some 'quality time' with Juri, "Takato, Pajiramon took my house. Can I live here again?"
"Oh, heyyya Guilmon," Takato mumbled, very tipsy from the drinks Juri had brought from her father's bar.
"Hey, why'd you…stop?" Juri asked, pausing to hiccup. "Oh, hi Guilmon."
"Are you guys playing?"
I guess so," she giggled.
"Can I play too?"
"No wayyyyy," Takato said before being shoved over by Juri.
"He's just being…stubborn. Come…here and we'll have…fun," she hiccupped.~
Takato shuddered, "I had a threesome with you?! Aww man, that is so not natural."
"Mating is fun," Guilmon smiled.
"Hello, thirsty ex-Deva here. Could really us some O…"
"So where we can live?" Chatsuramon interrupted again.
"Anywhere but my house."
"But the rules say…"
"Forget the rules, unless you'd like us to fuse into Dukemon and re-delete you both," Takato threatened.
"Rules are bad, who needs rules, not me that's for sure," Chatsuramon coughed out nervously.
"Agreed, but I really do need is some O…"
"Why are you homeless anyway?"
"We got fired," Chatsuramon said sadly.
"Zhuqiaomon fired you," Takato snickered.
"Hey, shut up!"
"So this means no more Devas, huh?"
"Mmm hmm," both sighed with teary eyes.
"Umm, excuse me a minute," Takato turned around. "Yeah! No more Devas! Woohoo! Thgis is the best day ever!" he turned back around. "Gee, I'm sorry to hear that."
Mihiramon started crying, "Why do you hate us? Sure we tried to kill you, we tried to take over the world, we hate humans, we…wow we really do have a lot of hate able qualities."
Takato sweatdropped, "Alright look, if I help you guys find a new home will you leave me alone?"
"Sure!" both chimed.
"Umm…where are the other Devas?"
"Pajiramon took my home, and I'm totally getting screwed with lack of lines," Guilmon whined.
A green dress-wearing redhead tapped Takato on the shoulder, "There are three Devas in my dad's bar."
"Ahh!" Takato nearly fell over as his girlfriend Juri spoke from behind him. "Doesn't anyone say 'hello' anymore or do you guys just keep doing this to annoy me?"
"Mainly to annoy you," Leomon said from behind Takato. The teen nearly fainted this time.
Matsuda stared back and forth in a paranoid fashion, "Alright! How many of you are out there?!"
"Just us," Juri assured.
"Good. Now what where you saying about your bar?"
"Kunbiramon, Shinduramon and Makuramon are inside causing a ruckus."
"That's scary."
"The Devas?"
"No, the fact that someone on Earth still uses the word 'ruckus'," he smirked as Juri whacked him in the head. "All right, all right, I'll see what I can do.
"Before we leave can I please have some OJ?"
~*~
For the sake of my lazy typing we will fast forward time to when the group reaches the Katou bar, but rest assured that many tall glasses of OJ were enjoyed by all.
Takato took charge, "Ok, you Devas wait out here with Leomon. Guilmon, come with me."
"Can I evolve?"
"Sounds good to me."
"NOOOOO!" everyone else, including the Devas, yelled.
"Guilmon evolve! Growmon!"
Juri grabbed Takato by the shirt, "Damn it, Taka-chan. You know what Growmon is like!"
"I like him," the Tamer smiled.
The larger version of Guilmon with silver hair stood completely still. Suddenly he whipped a pair an enormous pair of Oakley sunglasses out of nowhere and put them on. He stood silent once again, looking at the ground
"Oh no, oh Jesus God no," Juri said, literally quaking in fear.
"He's going to do it," Leomon warned nervously.
Growmon grabbed a nearby parking meter and held it like a microphone.
"Take cover!" the two ex-Devas panicked.
Growmon suddenly snapped into action, "FINALLY…The Growl…HAS COME BACK…TO WEST SHINJUKU!!!!"
"Noooooo!" everyone but Takato wailed.
"Oh you know that The Growl wouldn't stay away for ever. No! The Growl was just lying in wait for The Growl's triumphant return! The Growl says it's time to lack the smack down on some roody-poo candy asses!" Growmon declared into his 'mike'. "You know The Growl would never disappoint the millions…" about every citizen in the vicinity stopped what they were doing to yell 'and millions!', "of The Growl's fans. The Growl does everything for the people. Why? Because The Growl is, was and will ALWAYS be the people's champ."
I should have gone out with Lee or Ryo. Juri groaned and Growmon continued his rant, "Taka-chan, can you please shut him up so we can go inside?"
"Ok Growmon time to take care of business," Takato said, to no avail. "Growmon?"
"…and that lady over there, who has the sign that says 'Growl, what are you doing after this episode?', she knows The Growl is the people's champ…"
"Growmon?"
"…and those Devas, plugging their ears like little candy asses, they know The Growl is the people's champ. And that man, walking home from work, he knows…"
"Growmon!!!!"
"Huh?"
"Time to go inside."
Growmon looked up snobbishly, "The Growl knew that, jabroni. The Growl was just testing you."
Takato sweatdropped, "Let's just go in."
As the two Tamers and 'The Growl' entered the Katou bar, the saw Juri's father staring at the three Devas. All other customers were long gone. Kunbiramon, Makuramon, and Shinduramon sat arm in arm with large mugs of sake. They swayed back and forth, chanting, "Beer, beer, beer, beer!" as they swayed they flipped their mugs from side to side, spilling Sake everywhere.
"I take it they're hammered?" Juri asked her father.
Mr. Katou sweatdropped, "No, actually they haven't drank a drop. They just keep ordering large refills of Sake and singing 'beer, beer, beer, beer' until they spill it all. Then they order more."
"Ok guys, last call," Juri said, but nothing happened.
"I've had them on 'last call' for the past five Sakes. They just keep demanding more."
"The Growl says know your role and shut your mouth while The Growl handles things," Growmon slammed his fist down on the table. "THE GROWL SAYS LAST CALL, JABRONIS!"
The ex-Devas froze and began whispering to each other, "Oh my god, it's him," Makuramon whispered.
Shinduramon nodded, "The Growl."
"The most annoying, obnoxious Digimon alive," Kunbiramon said with fear.
"Just stop talking! We surrender!" they cried suddenly.
"The Growl says they dropped quicker than Juri's panties."
"Hey!"
"Damn it, Juri!"
"He's lying, dad. I swear!"
"I give you all the beer you can drink, and this is how you repay me?"
"But…"
Takato put a hand on her shoulder, "Don't bother, Tamer's parents listen to big, scary-looking Digimon much quicker than their own children. That's the rule"
Juri cocked and eyebrow, "What rule?"
"I'll have to show you Chatsuramon's Tamer rule book."
Makuramon snickered, "The author said 'cocked'."
"The Growl says shut the hell up!" Growmon yelled. He then turned to Takato, "The Growl is pretty big and scary, isn't The Growl?"
"Well I think…"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, JABRONI! The Growl is exactly what The Growl says The Growl is."
"Is this third person stuff confusing the hell out of you guys, too?" Kunbiramon asked. Both ex-Devas nodded in agreement.
"Let's just go," Juri groaned.
~*~
The Tamers exited the bar and looked around to see his entire Tamer team, minus Shiuchon and Lopmon assembled, "Wait a minute, only Leomon, Chatsuramon and Mihiramon were here. How did all of you get here?"
"We're just here," Shiota Hirokazu, a tall visor-wearing Tamer, said.
"This ERROR fic has practically made me ERROR myself. So many ERROR plot holes and ERROR out of character ness," his partner Guardromon swore.
"It's best not to argue with the authors stupid plot," Lee Jenrya, the half Chinese best friend of Takato put in.
"Pi," a small pink angel like thing with wings and a heart on its chest said.
"Marne Angemon said screw your mother," Kitagawa Kenta, a short green/black haired Tamer who wore glasses, translated.
"My mother was a saint!" Terriermon, the dog-bunny partner of Lee, said.
"I don't really have anything to say, but the damn author needs me to have a line so he can give an incredibly vague description of me," Makino Ruki, a tomboy redheaded teen with a full-heart T-shirt, said.
"Likewise," Renamon, whom I won't describe because I'm mad at right now, said. "You described Ruki!" fine, she's a fox, a freaking yellow fox with purple gloves that talks like Data from Star Trek! Happy now, "That is better."
Takato sighed, "Anyway, we were just rounding up the Devas because…"
"We know, because they got laid off and we need to find them new homes and jobs," Ryo finished.
"Wha…how the hell did you know that?"
"Legendary Tamer trick number two: Always read the script ahead of time," Ryo whipped out a packet of papers with the episode title on them. "According to this, I was talking to the Holy Beasts. They said how bad the situation is right. They sounded worried. They're gathered at Zhuqiaomon place right now working real hard to get things back to normal."
At Zhuqiaomon's place in the Digital World…
"Conga, conga, conga! Holy Beast conga! No more Devas conga! More money for us conga!"
Back on Earth…
"I'll bet the boss is worried sick," Chatsuramon said.
"Don't be such a ERROR wussy," Guardromon smirked.
"Pipupipipi."
"Marine Angemon said he's going to kill all of you when you go to sleep tonight," Kenta translated. His small pink Ultimate made some more sounds, "He also said pimpin ain't easy."
"Sure isn't," the small gray/purple dragon Monodramon earned himself several looks. "What? It really isn't."
"We'll take your word for it," Jenrya smiled weakly.
"The Growl says we are wasting a TON of time standing around."
All of a sudden, Limp Bizkit's 'Rollin (ARV)' starts playing. Beelzebumon Blast Mode, whom I will call Beelzebumon because I'm lazy, rolls up on his Behemoth motorcycle. He accidentally runs over and crushes Leomon, who bursted into data.
"Oh my god, he deleted Leomon!" Hirokazu yelled.
"You digital bastard!" Juri finished.
"Where's that music coming from?" Kenta wondered aloud.
"My bad," the winged, Behemoth riding, tri green-eyed, bomber jacket wearing devil said.
"Hey, why do you still need that bike? You have wings now," Terriermon wondered.
"It makes me look like a badass," Beelzebumon smirked.
"Whatever, can we please go get the others Devas so we can get this over with," Ruki groaned.
"We can use the magic of music backed fic time warping to help us move quicker," Renamon suggested.
"Good idea," Ryo said.
"Play 'Taking care of business'!" Monodramon yelled, everyone groaned as the song began to play.
And so we watch on as our heroes split up and move at musically backed speeds only attainable in fics. Well, every hero but one…
"Skip to the 'working overtime' part!" Monodramon yelled as he danced to the music. "Yeah, taking care of business! Every day! Taking care of business!"
~*~
To spare the ears of our readers, we will skip to the end of the roundup as our heroes…
"They aren't everyone's heroes you know!" Majiramon, who was now with the group, yelled.
Ooookkkk, we skip ahead as the heroes of humans…
"Some humans hate us too," Ryo said.
"Yeah, remember what Yamaki used to be like?" Lee put in.
TAMERS! DOES ANYONE HAVE A FREAKING PROBLEM WITH TAMERS?!
Leomon spoke up, "Well you could…" but was silenced as I blew him into a million pieces with a lightning bolt.
"Oh my God, he deleted Leomon!" Hirokazu pointed.
"You omnipotent bastard!" Juri yelled, shaking her fist at the sky.
Anyone else have any issues they need to discuss with me?
"N-no Terror-sama," everyone said nervously.
Good, we skip ahead as the TAMERS were just walking through the park and finishing their Deva round up.
"So who do we have left?" Takato asked
"Pajiramon and Vajiramon," Majiramon answered, still not believing he was not trying to kill the gogglehead.
"AHHH! This rosebush has pointy thorns!" Indaramon whined as he struggled to free himself from the bush that was a tenth of his size.
"Pajiramon should still be up there in Guilmon home," Takato pointed.
"I'll get her. I'm good with female Digimon," Jenrya smiled at Renamon.
"Indeed," Renamon said.
"Rena-chan! How could you?!" Terriermon wailed.
Renamon knelt by the dog-bunny, "Sorry Terriermon, but sometimes you can just tell when two people are not meant to be together. Sometimes to people are destined to be together. And other times, like this one, it just comes down to who is better in bed."
"Damn it!"
"Sorry Terriermon," Jenrya said to his partner as he left the group and walked up to Guilmon's home.
"The Growl says you shouldn't do that."
"What could happen?" Lee said as he peered inside the stone structure. "Hey Pajiramon…"
"GET OUT!!! I'M DOING MY HORNS!!!!" Pajiramon roared while buffing her right horn.
Lee stood stiff as a board, his hair now pointing straight backwards, "The Growl told you not to do that," Growmon smirked.
"And I suppose you are the ladies mon?" Jenrya grumbled as he fixed his hair.
"The Growl is the people's champ, and the people love The Growl," Growmon held out his arms. "The Growl needs the people!" he called. Suddenly, numerous good looking human women came running and glomped him. The others stared in wonder…and jealousy.
"I want to be able to do that. The Hirokazu needs people too!" Hirokazu wailed, holding out his arms.
"ERROR it. Who are you trying to fool? You never get any ERROR," Guardromon smirked.
"Shut up," Hirokazu whispered to his partner.
"They never go out with your ERROR. Just last week you had to pay a girl to…"
"Shut up!"
"Will someone please tell me how these guys defeated us?" Chatsuramon asked.
"Because we're even stupider than they are," Vikararamon answered.
"Oh yeah."
"Alright, I'm done," Pajiramon said as she exited the structure. "What do you want?"
Suddenly, all the Devas fell silent, staring at her with wide eyes. Majiramon blushed heavily, "P-pajiramon…you're…not wearing your…b-breastplate."
"So?"
"Your n-naked."
Pajiramon looked down to see… her wool covered chest, "Guys, it's fur," she said.
"But it's CHEST fur," Shinduramon said.
"And you're showing it!" Makuramon said excitedly.
"This is seriously messed up," Ryo said.
"It's just fur!" Pajiramon patted her chest.
"Now she's touching it! What a show!" Mihiramon practically drooled.
The sheep Deva shrugged, "Fine I'll go put my stupid breastplate on. I don't get it. Renamon never wears a breastplate and you don't stare at her."
"She's topless too!" Shinduramon pointed to the fox of Tao.
"Oh for the love of…" Renamon groaned.
Jenrya sweatdropped and took off his orange tech vest, "Put this on. I don't want to deal with a group of horny Devas."
"Why aren't you looking?" Juri asked Santiramon.
"I like the view I have," the snake Deva replied before resuming to stare at Majiramon's behind.
"There," Pajiramon came back out with her armor on. "Will someone please tell me what this is all about?"
"The Growl needs The Growl's home back," Growmon said firmly.
"Now way. It's my home now. Get your own."
"It was The Growl's home first!"
"It's mine now. I stole it fair and square."
"Yeah, she even brought 'The Love Nest'," Kunbiramon pointed inside the home.
"I swear if you guys don't quit insulting my bed…"
"Enough!" Majiramon yelled. "We need new homes. As much as a hate to say it, we need the Tamers help."
Takato spoke up, "Hey Ryo-kun, just how are we going to find the Devas new homes?"
"Don't look at me. I'm just helping round them up."
"Why can' we get them partners?" Juri suggested.
"PARTNERS?!" all the Devas yelled.
"Yeah, haven't you ever wanted to have a nice home, loving friend and all the food you can eat?" Juri asked.
"Aww man, to get all that you'd have to kill like…fifty guys," Majiramon whined.
"You wouldn't have to kill anybody," Ruki said.
"Why not give it a try? Shiuchon-chan has an ex-Deva as her partner," Lee added.
"But we aren't ex-Devas," Vikararamon whined.
"Yes we are. What the hell do you think this whole fic is about? It's called 'Laid off', "Chatsuramon said, reading the script. "It says we're each supposed to get a Tamer partner with hilarious results."
"Great work, doggie! Spoil the fic for all the readers," Ruki scolded.
"Sorry."
Ruki was about to complain some more when she was interrupted by 'Rollin'. Beelzebumon rolled up once again on his bike, "Where the hell is that music coming from?" Kenta asked again. Marine Angemon made some noise. "Oh, and Marine Angemon wants you all to know that he once had sex with four womon at the same time."
"Where were you?" Ryo asked.
"Sorry, I didn't realize the song ended. It plays 'Rollin' wherever I go. Anyway, I found Vajiramon. He's working at some foreign food place."
"Oh just great. Why couldn't you guys all stay in one area?" Takato asked the former Devas.
"We can't stand each other," Majiramon explained.
"Oh, well I guess that's understand…wait a minute! You guys lived with each other for years!"
"Yeah, but we each had our own rooms," the old dragon smirked.
"Some of us just stayed in 'The Love Nest'," Kunbiramon smirked.
"That's it!" Pajiramon roared before pouncing the mouse.
"Let's just use musically backed fic magic to skip to the restaurant scene," Juri suggested.
"Play 'Taking care of business'!"
"Damn it, Monodramon!" Ryo scolded as the song began to play.
~*~
And so our hero…err…Tamers and Devas arrive at the place Beelzebumon spoke of.
"Awesome Bill's Authentic American Food," Takato recited.
"But I hate American food," Hirokazu groaned.
"We are not to eat. We are just getting Vajiramon," Renamon reminded.
"But still…I have to SMELL it."
"Fine, wait out here. We need someone to watch the Devas anyway," Ruki said.
"Good idea. Devas, Hirokazu and Kenta out, other Tamers and Beelzebumon in," Jenrya said
"Wait a minute. I never protested the food! Why can't I go in?" Kenta whined.
"Because you are always insist on being stuck up Hirokazu's ass," Ruki said.
"In more ways than one," her partner added.
Kenta and Hirokazu turned to Renamon, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You mean you two are not…"
"NO!!!"
"Fooled me," the golden fox with Jenrya's orange vest smirked.
Santiramon coiled/cuddled Majiramon, "See, it's normal for two guys to like each other. You don't have to hide it."
"Get off me!"
"We don't need to be embarrassed anymore. We have to proclaim our love to the world!"
"What the hell is wrong with you?!"
Santiramon slithered to an upright position and yelled as loudly as he could, "ATTENTION WORLD! MAJIRAMON AND I ARE IN LOVE!"
"I hate you!"
"Ooo, reverse psychology. You kinky little dragon."
"Ahhh!"
"Ahh! Too much screaming! My ears are injured!" Indaramon complained.
"Are you Devas always like this?" Takato asked.
"Every single day," Chatsuramon said.
"Let's just go in," Terriermon said.
And so a platoon of Tamers and Beelzebumon entered the restaurant in search of the final Deva
"The Growl wouldn't mind eating. The people's stomach is hungry."
"Let's just find him," Pajiramon said.
"Wait a minute. Didn't they tell you to wait outside?" Beelzebumon asked the sheep.
"Vajiramon is my mate. If anyone finds him, it will be me."
"Whatever."
"Alright, I'm going to the restroom. For gods sake don't get in any battles," Takato warned as he left.
"Howdy!" someone said in a horrible American accent. The group turned to see a man who was obviously Japanese dressed in a cowboy uniform, "Welcome to Awesome Bill's authentic American food! I'm Awesome Bill, the American! I have no clue that there are other countries outside my borders! I have a credit card! I censor great anime and edit it to barely likeable pieces! I get involved in things I have no business in! I don't need your money, because I'm on the American welfare system!"
"Ooookkk, I think you've succeeded in thoroughly disgusted most American readers. Anyway, we're here to find a big bull. About this high and wearing red armor," Lee described.
"Oh, he's over there," Bill pointed.
Pajiramon went wide eyed, "Vajiramon, oh sweet lord no! My love! I'll never forget you!" she cried, sobbing over a plate of steak.
Ryo pointed to Vajiramon, who on stage with a huge ten gallon hat on, calling out line dances, "Look, Pajiramon he's over…Pajiramon?" Ryo looked around and finally found Pajiramon climbing all over Leomon, who was sweating nervously.
"Yeah, I'm a widow, but I've moved on. Wanna go out?"
"Lady, your mate is over there," Leomon pointed.
"Oh goody," the sheep Deva threw Leomon out of her way, accidentally knocking him in front of Growmon, who was busy kicking air for unknown reasons. He kicked Leomon in the face, deleting him.
"Oh my god, you deleted Leomon!" Terriermon cried.
"You red white and black bastard!" Juri called from the bar of the restaurant. She turned back to the barkeep, "No, I want a Sake."
The barkeep raised an eyebrow, "Beer?"
"Sake!"
"Beer?"
"Sa-ke."
"Be-er?"
"S…A…"
"B…E…"
"I've had it! Sock him, Growmon! Sock everybody," Juri commanded.
Hmm, lay the smack down on everyone just because a little girl who isn't even my Tamer said so? Sounds about right, "You got it!" Growmon just started decking random people at or near the bar. The madness quickly spread to several patrons.
"You wanna fight?!"
"Them's fightin' words!"
"Oh great, can't we doing anything without this happening?" Jenrya wondered aloud.
"A bar fight, now you're talking," Beelzebumon smiled as he took off his bomber jacket. "Renamon, hold my jacket."
"But…" Renamon was quickly buried underneath the large leather jacket, "What are you looking at?!" she yelled at Ruki, who burst out laughing.
"I want to fight too. Monodramon super evolve! Cyberdramon!" a large gray and black armored dragon stood in Monodramon's place, ready to join the fray.
"No!" Ryo yelled.
"But…"
"I have a better idea. Come here."
"God damn it! What did I tell you guys?!" Takato yelled as he returned from the restroom. Growmon and Beelzebumon were fighting anyone they could reach, Juri was throttling the barkeep and screaming something about Sake, any restaurant goers that hadn't been frightened away had joined in the melee, Ruki was trying to help Renamon out from under Beelzebumon's coat and Ryo, Cyberdramon, Vajiramon and Pajiramon were huddled in the corner. They're probably discussing this great weather we've been having. Matsuda guessed, smiling at his own stupidity.
"Your stupid Digimon started it," Terriermon said.
"Actually Juri started it," Lee pointed out.
A very angry Bill approached the two, "Alright, all of you are going to have to le…" he was silenced as a chair was broken over his back, knocking him unconscious.
"I've been wanting to do that since he first opened his mouth."
"Damn it Ruki! You're making it worse," Takato groaned.
"Don't worry guys," Ryo came up to the group, smiling confidently, "I have a foolproof plan to get us out of this."
"Which is?"
"You'll see," the teen turned to his Digimon. "Now!"
Cyberdramon groaned in frustration and started doing jumping jacks.
"How the hell does that help?" Ruki grumbled.
"Be patient."
Suddenly the whole crowd froze and stared at the armored dragon, "Hey, it's Cyberdramon!" Beelzebumon pointed.
"And he's doing stuff!" a man who was currently in a headlock said.
"Let's watch mindlessly," a couple of combatants suggested. Soon, the entire restaurant was captivated in the dragons every move.
"Please explain?" Renamon asked Ryo.
"Legendary Tamer trick number one oh-four: Unruly mobs are easily preoccupied."
"Let's slip out," Jenrya said.
~*~
And thus, we skip ahead again as the Tamer have gathered the Devas in the park and are preparing to initiate Operation Rough Sex…
"Who the hell nicknamed this operation anyway?" Ryo wondered.
"Pipi."
"Figures."
"The Growl says ow!" Growmon whined as Juri put some Bactine on his wounds.
"Be quite! I'm sober, and a sober Juri is a very short-tempered Juri. Leomon, get me some bandages."
"Here you go," Leomon handed a bag of bandages to Juri and walked over by himself, just moments before he was crushed as the Hubble Telescope fell from space.
"That was totally uncreative and predictable," Kenta said. "I think Marine Angemon wants to do the honors."
"Piupi pipi piupu!" Marine Angemon cried, pointing to the telescope
"You Earth-orbiting bastard!" Juri shook her fist.
"Umm, aren't you guys supposed to be finding us Tamer now. I wanna see the 'hilarious results'," Chatsuramon reminded, reading the script.
"Fine, let's split into teams and have random Devas. Jen, you get…umm, Santiramon and Shinduramon."
"Why do we get two?"
"Because you have Shiuchon to help."
"Great," Lee groaned.
"Could have been worse," Terriermon reminded.
Takato continued, "Hirokazu and Kenta get Vikararamon…"
"Wait a minute, why do we get stuck with the fat ERROR?"
"Why are people always making fun of my size? I'm only a kid. Why can't you leave me alone," the huge boar sobbed.
Hirokazu's eyes lit up, "Ha! I have the perfect place for you! Come on."
"Hey, you guys need at least two!" Takato called.
"Fine, we'll take…the girl one."
"It's Pajiramon," the sheep Deva grumbled.
"Better find a big home for her so she can bring 'The Love Nest'," Kunbiramon smirked.
"You're just asking for an ass kicking, aren't you?" Pajiramon growled.
"Let's just go," Vikararamon whined.
Hmm, maybe I can kill two birds with one stone, "Hey, I think I have a home for a couple Devas," Beelzebumon said, smiling evilly."You know, smiling evilly only works when you do it when no one's watching," Ruki said.
"Crap…err...I mean whatever are you referring to?" Beelzebumon said innocently. Ruki just sweatdropped.
Takato shrugged, "A home is a home. You can have Vajiramon and Chatsuramon."
"I have a great home for you," Juri led Mihiramon away.
"There's one less. Ruki and Renamon, you get…
"Oh no, we get to pick," Ruki said.
"But…"
"You let Juri choose, or do we have to sleep with you to get that right," Renamon smirked.
"Well, since you put it that way…"
"Don't even think about it, gogglehead."
"Fine. Just pick."
"Give us the mouse."
"I'm a rat! A rat I tell you! Why does everyone call me a mouse?!"
"Because you look like a mouse…mouse," Majiramon smirked at Kunbiramon as he left with his group. "I'm going with Ryo."
"Why?" Takato asked.
"Because you're an incompetent idiot."
"I thought you said you were incompetent?" Makuramon asked his commander.
"What? When?"
"The other day you were mumbling something about you having 'incompetence problems'."
"That was IMPOTENCE problems you dumbassmon!" Majiramon quickly went wide-eyed, realizing what he had said. "I mean…it was…umm…son of a bitch!" Growmon, Cyberdramon and the two remaining Devas fell over laughing. "It's not funny! Stop laughing or I'll beat you all up."
"Probably be the only thing around you that is 'up'," Makuramon spat, all laughed harder.
"Screw you!"
"The Growl says you'll be needing some Viagra before you try that," even Ryo and Takato started laughing after that.
"Ahh! My side! I'm laughing too hard!" Indaramon complained.
"Damn you! Damn you all!"
A blonde girl with pigtail approached the group. She wore a black and white Catholic schoolgirl uniform and had a small golden cross necklace, "What's going on here? Why are all of you making fun of that poor dragon?"
"Oh my lord, it's one of those children of the corn!" Makuramon gasped.
"She's come to eat our minds with her evil powers!" Indaramon added.
"No it's not. That's Alice McCoy, she helped us out before," Takato explained, remembering to say Alice's name the Western way.
"Alice, he's a Deva. He's evil," Ryo reminded.
"The only ones I saw being mean were you guys. Poor baby," Alice said, petting Majiramon's head.
"I don't need your pity," the old dragon scoffed.
"That's ok. I don't mind."
"You…don't," Majiramon looked up, locking eyes with the teenage girl. All of a sudden, Whitney Houston's 'I will always love you' started playing.
"Does that mean what I think it does?" Takato said with worry.
"No, oh god no," Ryo panicked as the two moved closer.
Growmon tilted his shades down and raised 'The people's eyebrow', "The Growl says this coupling is demented."
"Not a Majirice coupling! Not in a fic!" Makuramon wailed.
"Want to be my Tamer?" Majiramon asked as her took the girls small hand into his.
"I've always had a thing for dragons," Alice said as the two lip locked.
"NOOOOOO!" everyone cried as the music continued to play.
"My god, they're using tongue! This can't get any worse!" Ryo cried.
Cyberdramon pounded his metal helmet, "Must claw own eyes out, but can't get to them. Stop the insanity! Stop it now," he collapsed to his knees, holding his head, "and for god's sake play 'Taking care of business'!"
"It got worse!" his Tamer complained as the song shifted to 'Taking care of business'.
Alice let out a muffled whimper as his new Digimon pulled her closer. She ran her hand across his chest, "Let's see can take care of your 'problem'."
Takato jumps to the front of the scene "Jump to another scene, quickly! We're doomed, but you can still save the readers!"
~*~
Jumping past that soon to be graphic scene. We come to Juri in her friend Miki's kitchen, talking about being a Tamer.
"See, it will be just like having your own Leomon," Juri said.
"You have great OJ," Mihiramon complemented as he poured himself another glass.
"Hmm, having my own Leomon might be nice," Miki answered. She glanced over to Leomon who was busy trying to get his bagel out of the toaster with a fork, "But will he do everything that Leomon does?"
"Sure, just give me a minute with him."
"Leomon be careful, that's the new Supreme Godlike Toastmaster Five Thousand," Miki warned.
Leomon looked up from his work, "It is? Ahh!" he howled as he was fried with electrical energy. He soon burst into data, leaving only his fork.
Mihiramon did a spit take with his OJ and pointed to the toaster, "Oh my God, it deleted Leomon!"
"You long named bastard!" Juri kicked the toaster.
"Hey! That's expensive!"
"Sorry."
"Besides, it wasn't even plugged in," Miki held up the plug.
DUN DUN DAA!
"What the hell was that?" Mihiramon asked, looking around.
"The author's ridiculous attempt at spoofing a murder mystery," Juri answered. "Come here, I need to tell you some things about being a Tamer's Digimon," she smiled evilly.
~*~
DUN DUN DAA
"Whoa, I heard that all the way over here," Beelzebumon said as he rode on.
"All I here is 'Rollin'. It's a good song, but I'm getting totally sick of it," Chatsuramon whined.
"How are we all fitting on the Behemoth? It's just a stupid little bike," Vajiramon wondered aloud.
"Hey! I'm an Ultimate Digimon who is stronger than both of you combined. Don't dis my bike."
"But I'm just wondering how we're…"
"DON'T DIS IT!"
"Fine."
"Good, you can get off now. We're here."
"You want us to get off in public? But Pajiramon always tells me that…"
"He meant get off the bike you dumbassmon! See, crap like this is why the author had to rate the fic R," Chatsuramon pointed to the rating in his copy of the script.
"Here we are. You're new home," Beelzebumon smiled evilly at a normal looking house.
"This doesn't look so bad," they smiled.
It's actually pretty nice, "It's what inside that's bad."
"What?" both ex-Devas said nervously
"Damn it! I thought the speaking part and spoke the thinking part!"
"What?"
"Never mind, just go in."
The three Digimon entered the house expecting to see the most horrible site they could imagine. Instead they found two children playing.
"Chatsuramon and Vajiramon meet your new Tamers Ai and Makoto. Ai and Makoto meet your Digimon."
A small girl named Ai spoke up, "But you're our…"
"No, that was then. This is now. They are your Digimon now. I got to go, ok? Enjoy your new Digimon. Bye!" Beelzebumon jumped out the window and got on his bike, cheering while riding away.
"What just happened here?" Vajiramon asked.
"We got hosed, Vajiramon. We got hosed."
"Oh Devas," a small brown dog said.
Ai and Makoto stared at the talking dog in wonder, "It's mine!" they both yelled at the same time, pouncing the poor dog and threatening to pull it in half.
"Dear sweet lord, no wonder Beelzebumon is so violent," Vajiramon said in wonder.
Chatsuramon walked up to the children, "Look kids, for the sake of the animal rights groups that will inevitably sue our asses, let's put the dog down."
The children obeyed. Makoto, the little boy, giggled, "You said a bad word."
Chatsuramon sweatdropped, "Yes…anyway, uhh, we do Tamer Digimon do?"
"We're new at this," Vajiramon said.
"You're…ours?" Ai asked in disbelief.
"I guess so."
"I want the doggie!" Ai cried, latching onto Chatsuramon's leg.
"No fair, I wanted the doggie. All I get is the stupid cow."
"I'm in ear range you know," Vajiramon said, looking hurt. "And I'm an ox not a cow."
"You are?"
"Yeah."
"Cool! That's a lot better!" the young boy clamped around Vajiramon neck. "I have a Pokémon too!" he stuck his tongue out at his sister.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
They released their respective Digimon and stared at each other for a minute. Suddenly, both jumped in the air anime style, "Pokémon battle!" they cried.
Vajiramon turned to his fellow ex-Deva, "What's a Pokey mon?"
Chatsuramon shrugged, "I don't know, but for some reason it gives me the creeps."
~*~
"No," Jenrya's older brother Rinchei said.
"Come on."
"No."
"But the poor little rooster needs a home," Shiuchon, the pigtailed, pink haired younger sister of Jenrya, begged.
"I'm actually not that little," Shinduramon reminded.
"You just have to try harder," Shiuchon said as she petted the rooster Deva.
He sweatdropped and turned to his former collogue Lopmon, "Is she always like this?"
"Forevermore," Lopmon said in his unusual manner of speech.
Rinchei sweatdropped and turned back to his brother, "Unlike you two, I have better things to do than be a Tamer."
"Like what?"
"Like…umm…video games."
The rooster raised an eyebrow, "Humans have video games too?"
Lopmon spoke up, "Hark, wherefore did thy expect we squandered them?"
Lee turned to his sister, "What did he say?"
"He said 'where the hell did you think we got them from'."
"Shiuchon-chan!"
She pointed to her partner, "He said it. I just translated."
"She has a point," Terriermon said from Jenrya head.
"See, you guys have cool Digimon. Besides they're small and carry able. I'll tell you what. Why don't one of you trade me your one and you take the rooster," Rinchei offered.
"No way. It's Jen and Terriermon for life," Terriermon said firmly.
"Zounds, they hath surely mistaken if thee believes I will forsake the fair Shiuchon."
Rinchei looked at his little sister with a clueless expression. Shiuchon sighed, "He said 'Fuck off. My Tamer is the coolest bitch in the world'."
"Shiuchon-chan!" Jenrya snapped.
"I'm just translating!" she shot back.
"That better be what he really said."
"Fine, I can take a hint. Lopmon and I are going to go check on Santiramon. You're on your own."
"Farewell."
"He said 'good friggin bye'."
"I swear she's adding some words to those translations," Lee mumbled as his sister left.
"What was your first clue?" Terriermon smirked.
"Hey, get out of there!" Jenrya was interrupted as his brother ran into his bedroom after the rooster.
"I'm just playing some of your games."
"Well I didn't say you could…hey how did you get in there. That door was always locked," Rinchei said, pointing to the screen.
"Oh it's easy. The wall near the start has a secret passage. There's a key in it."
"Really? I haven't found many secret passages."
"Some of them are hard to spot. I can show you some if you want."
"Sure."
"I smell partnership brewing," Terriermon smirked.
"Good. One down one to go," Jenrya said as he walked into the living room to find Santiramon talking with his older sister, Jaarin.
"So then he claimed that he still loves me, even though I caught him kissing her."
"So what did you do?"
"I told him to get lost."
"You go girl," Santiramon said as he high-fived her with his tail.
"Seriously, this girl he was with, wears red white and blue all the time."
"Americana is so passé."
"That's what I said."
"You told her that?"
"Damn straight. Anyone wants to come to school dressed like that needs to be set straight."
"Ohh. Get on with your bad self, girlfriend," Santiramon smirked as they high-fived again.
"This is demented," Terriermon said in disbelief.
"But at least he's found a partner," Jenrya said.
"I found him a partner," Shiuchon interrupted. "I told him to talk to her. He's gay so I knew he'd like a female Tamer."
"You're like eight years old. How do you know about gay people?"
"Oh well I was trying to sleep with this guy but he said he was gay. Then he explain it to me."
"Oh ok. I suppose that makes a lot of sen…WHAT?!"
"Nothing," Shiuchon began whistling and strolled away innocently.
"Shiuchon-chan, you have some 'splaining to do," Jenrya said in a Latino accent as he followed his sister.
~*~
We flash to the often forgotten Tamers, Hirokazu and Kenta, as they attempt to follow through with Hirokazu plan.
Come on, Mitsuo-chan. You know how I've been wanting a baby," the red haired Hypnos worker Ootori Reika begged her boss and lover Yamaki Mitsuo.
"That is not a 'baby'. It's a huge boar," the sunglassed, men in black wannabe pointed to Vikararamon.
"Yeah, but he's kind and gentle," Hirokazu lied.
"And he needs a home," Kenta added.
"Besides, the little piece of ERROR understand sex, so you two are free to ERROR when he's still awake."
"You aren't helping," Hirokazu whispered to his Digimon.
"Reika-chan, do you even remember that a little over a year ago this thing nearly destroyed the city?"
"Yes, but he's changed. He's good now."
"But I like being ev..oww" Vikararamon was elbowed by Guardromon.
"Pipipipopi."
"Marine Angemon says to blackmail him with promises of sex, because that's how he keeps his bitches in line," Kenta translated.
"Good thinking," Reika patted the little pink thing on the head. "No sex for you, Yamaki Mitsuo, until I get my baby."
"I help you out and this is how you repay me?" Yamaki asked the group rhetorically. He sighed in defeat, "Fine, you can have the Digimon."
"Great, now you better go get started on the crib."
"Crib?!"
"All babies need cribs."
"But he's not…"
"Crib or no sex for you."
"I'll build the god damned crib."
"What about me?" Pajiramon asked Hirokazu.
Hirokazu cleared his throat, getting the couple's attention once again, "Might I suggest you take Pajiramon too."
"Yeah, she's a female Digimon. She has mothering instincts," Kenta said proudly.
"But I've never been a moth…"
"Do you want to be Yamaki's partner or not?" Hirokazu whispered.
"I've never been a mother, but I have mothering instincts. Tons of mothering instincts. Loads of mothering instincts!" Pajiramon said nervously.
"Whatever, come on," Yamaki groaned before Reika started to complain again.
Pajiramon practically crushed the man in a hug, "I can't believe I get to be your partner! You're so hot!"
"Air…must have air…"
~*~
"You need a Digimon! Take him!" Ruki yelled as the apartment door slammed in her face. She sighed, "On to apartment one oh-four."
"There has to be an easier way to do this," Renamon said.
"All this rejection can really hurt a guy," Kunbiramon said.
"What do you suggest Mr. Not-a-mouse?" Ruki asked with sarcasm.
"Why can't I just be your partner?"
"Umm, I don't think I can have more than one."
"So kick the kitsune to the curb."
"I AM standing right here," Renamon reminded.
Kunbiramon ignored her, "Pleeeeease, I'll do anything you say. I won't ever fight with you."
"No arguments does sound tempting but I don't know."
"Ruki!" Renamon cried.
Her Tamer ignored her, "What if you try…stuff?"
"Huh, oh don't worry about that. I don't find you sexually attractive at all."
"Really? Not even a little?" Ruki asked.
"Nope."
"Did you see that picture of my mom and I modeling that latest swimsuits?"
"The one of the cover of Shinjuku Weekly?"
"Yeah, that one," she said. He nodded, "but you still don't…"
"Nope…sorry."
"Oh…uhh, that's good I guess," Ruki looked a little hurt.
"Hello! Very offended and ignored Digimon here," Renamon said.
"What do you want, Renamon? Can't you see that I'm trying to get a new Digimon partner right in front of your face?!" Ruki snapped.
"Yeah but…I was going to say that you…umm, I guess you just said it. Never mind," the golden fox of Tao huffed.
"Good. Now Kunbiramon, IF I were to become you partner would you do everything I tell you without arguing with me?"
"Sure."
"Would you yell at me if I got my boyfriend a bad gift at Christmas?"
"No, I didn't even get my girl a gift at all."
"Would you try to fuse with me?"
"No way, I'm Kunbiramon forever."
"Hmm, you're the perfect partner all right."
"But Ruki, I am your partner! We saved the world together! We became Sakuyamon! I kissed you in the mall at Christma…oh wait that was a bad thing," Renamon remembered.
"Yes, and I'm seeing it never happens again," Ruki hugged Kunbiramon. "Meet my new partner."
"But…now I need a partner."
"Damn it! Why does everything always have to be hard?" Ruki whined. "Fine, back to the apartments.
They approached the door to room 104 and knocked cautiously. Suddenly a young man with brown highlighted hair flung the door open and burst into the hallway, tackling Ruki, "I'm Akira the collector! I collect things!"
"Uhh, yeah. With a name like 'the collector' I kind of assumed that," Ruki smirked. "Now get off me."
"Oh sorry," Akira got up. "It's just that…I collect things!"
"So we have heard," Renamon smirked.
Akira ran up to her and grabbed her furry mane, "A talking fox! I want it! Here, I'll give you a shiny American penny for her," he showed Ruki the penny.
She shrugged and took the coin, "Deal."
"You are trading me a penny!" Renamon roared.
"I found you a new partner. Be happy," Ruki said.
"Ha ha," Kunbiramon pulled down his eyelid and stuck out his tongue at the fox as she was being dragged into the apartment.
"You know, most American readers do not know what that means in Japanese," Renamon reminded while being dragged. "You need to do it like this," she flipped Ruki and Kunbiramon a middle finger.
"That was unexpected," Ruki said as she sweatdropped.
~*~
Hmm, that was fun. Let's check back a little later and see how our favorites villains are doing.
"Go Vajiramon! Use Treasure Sword attack now!" Makoto cried.
The ox Deva sweatdropped, "You know kid, I would be able to fight a lot better if you didn't tell them exactly what I was going to do BEFORE I do it."
"Chatsuramon avoid his attack!" Ai yelled to her Digimon
"I don't need to be told that," he replied as he rolled away from the sword slash.
"He's weak to fighting, use a fighting type attack," Ai commanded.
"A fighting type attack? What's that?"
"It's cool but it doesn't work against my powerful psychic Pokémon!" Makoto smirked.
"I'm not psychic, and what's a Pokey mon?" Vajiramon asked for the fifth time.
"I just need to make my Pokémon more powerful than yours," Ai ran to the desk and pulled out a small purple/silver object. "Prepare to get powerful, Chatsuramon."
The dog Deva went wide-eyed, "These kids have a D-Ark?!"
"No good can come out this," Vajiramon added as each child took out a huge wad of cards and proceeded to fight over Card Slashing rights.
~*~
"M-miki, this is evil!" Mihiramon sweated nervously as he was tied to the bed. A leather wearing Miki approached him, whip in hand.
"From now on call me Miki-chan, my little kitty cat," Miki cracked her whip in mid air.
"Y-yes, Miki-chan, b-but I was j-just saying…"
"Did I give you permission to speak?"
"N-no."
"Then don't! Juri-san told you about being a Tamer's Digimon sex toy, didn't she?"
"Y-yes, but I…"
"Just yes will do!" Miki cracked her whip. "Don't worry. I'd never hurt my precious little kitty."
"Really?"
She stroked the side of his head, "Of course not…unless he's a bad kitty. Miki-chan doesn't like bad kitties," Mihiramon gulped. "Now, let's see if you're a nice kitty or a bad one."
~*~
"Can I please have my computer back?" Jenrya begged.
"Just a few more games," Shinduramon said as he played Red Alert 2 while linked to Rinchei computer. "Look at your brother, building units like a madman. Doesn't he know? Ore is the key to everything. He doesn't have enough miners. He can't hope to survive," the rooster laughed evilly as he began building another refinery.
"But you've been playing for three hours!"
"Just a few more."
Desperate times call for desperate measures, "Daaaad, Shinduramon is hogging my computer!"
"Share with the nice rooster, Jen!" Janyuu called back.
"But…"
"I said share!"
Lee grumbled as he exited his room. He passed by Jaarin's room, where she was sitting on the floor with Santiramon looking at magazines of guys in their underwear, "And him."
"Oohh, he's a hottie. Hey Jaarin?"
"What?"
"What do you do if you have this guy who likes you, and you know he likes you, but he keeps pretending to hate the sight of you?"
"Oh I get that all the time. You have to smother him with attention. Don't give him a moments rest. I once did that to a guy for four whole months."
"Wow, did you get him?"
"No he had a restraining order put on me, but that's not the point. The point is that you have to keep trying until he can't help but love you."
"Great, I'll try that. Thanks Jaarin."
Out in the living room, Jenrya was just sitting down on the couch, where Shiuchon, Terriermon and Lopmon were watching TV.
"Sonic the Hedgehog? You like this show?"
She smiled, "Sure. Besides, he sounds just like Ryo-san."
"M'lady longs to spend thy night of bliss with him," Lopmon said.
"Please don't translate that," Lee begged.
"It's ok. All he said was how I've always wanted to sleep with Ryo-san."
"Oh, I guess I can understand tha…SHIUCHON!"
~*~
"For the last time Monodramon, you have got to stop telling people about my secret identity as mild mannered voice actor for Sonic the Hedgehog."
"Sorry," the small dragon apologized. Ryo and Monodramon had gotten rid of Makuramon and were on their way home when they spotted Indaramon sitting outside a hobby shop.
"Why are you here? Where's Takato-kun?"
"I broke a shoe. He's been inside trying to get me a new one for about an hour," the horse Deva held up a broken horseshoe.
"I'm surprised you didn't break a leg," Monodramon patted his leg.
"Ahh! My leg!" the purple pony grabbed his now wounded leg.
"Monodramon!"
"Sorry," the gray/purple dragon threw his arms up defensively, accidentally poking the ex-Deva in the eye with his steel claws.
"Ahh! My eye!"
"Let's just go in before you kill him."
Inside the shop, Takato was complaining to the clerk, "For the fifteenth time my horse needs some of those dealies for his feet. He broke his."
"You mean horseshoes?"
"What's your problem, man? I just want some dealies."
"I'll get you some horseshoes."
"Oh no. No way. You're not hustling me into getting stuff I don't want. I just want the dealies."
Ryo and Monodramon sweatdropped, "I'd better go help him," Ryo said.
Monodramon walked over to where Guilmon was looking at some comics, "What are you doing?"
"Watching humans mate."
"What?!"
"Look," Guilmon showed Monodramon the comic.
Monodramon's yellow eyes grew to twice their normal size, "Whoa! They're…mating."
"In a comic!" Guilmon said excitedly. The two suddenly froze as they heard the music of a flute being played. They walked over to a display shelf and starred at…Renamon, sitting on the shelf playing a flute she had found.
Hey, Kudos to anyone who knows how I knew Renamon can play the flute.
"Renamon? What are you doing here?" Monodramon asked.
Renamon took the flute away from her lips and sighed, "My new Tamer traded me for some Sailor Moon hentai."
"What's hentai?" Guilmon asked.
"What you are reading," she pointed to the comic.
"Really? Wow, I like hentai," Guilmon grinned as Renamon slapped her forehead.
"Don't worry. I'll just tell Ryo to buy you back. IF you do something for me," Monodramon said with a smile.
"Which is?"
"You know what I want to hear."
"No way. Not happening."
"That or no freedom."
"Fine," Renamon groaned and started playing 'Taking care of business' on her flute.
~*~
"Good, you finally got that crib done. Now you can move on to knitting our baby some stockings," Reika said happily.
"But…knitting is a woman's job," Yamaki said, completely exhausted from building the huge crib. Sweat poured down his brow.
"Here, let me get that, Tamer Yamaki-sama," Pajiramon quickly wiped the sweat of his brow with a rag. She then clutched the rag lovingly as little hearts floated around her head.
Reika ignored her and continued to complain to her lover, "This is the twenty-fist century mister. We have a thing called equal rights. Equal rights means equal responsibility."
"What are YOU doing that's equal?"
"I'm feeding him," Reika tossed Vikararamon another baby bottle, which he promptly swallowed whole.
"That's not equal, you don't even have to get up."
"I'm not hearing any knitting."
"I'll knit you," Yamaki grumbled under his breath as he went into the other room.
"Wait for me, Tamer Yamaki-sama!" the lovesick sheep half galloped after him.
~*~
"Card Slash! High Speed Plug-in B!" Ai said with a smirk to her brother, slashing the card for about the fiftieth time.
"Oh yeah," Makoto snatched the D-Ark, "Card Slash! XV-Mon!" he slashed. He had slashed every Digimon card he owned in alphabetical order.
"So many attacks learned. So many attacks!" Vajiramon groaned.
Chatsuramon skated around like a deer on ice, "You're ok. At least your Tamer slashes different cards. I'm so sped up that my breathing is throwing off my balance," he fell spread eagle for the sixth time.
"No! I'm not ok! I know attacks! ONLY ATTACKS! I'm forgetting everything else! Oh god, what's my name?! I think its Fist of The Beast King!" he blasted a hole in the wall. "Oh damn! Maybe it's Mugen Cannon!" another hole. "Could it be Giga Destroyer! Crap, how about Fox Leaf Arrowhead! Or maybe Grand Death Big Bang!"
"That's an actual attack name boys and girls," Chatsuramon said before he was blasted as his fellow ex-Deva unleashed the huge explosion.
~*~
A little later still. The Tamer were all called to a horseracing track by Takato to find out what he had done with Indaramon.
"Takato-kun, do you really think this is a good idea?" Juri said as the small Tamer group sat in the seats at a stadium.
"Why not, if we can't find him a partner at least he can make us some money."
The announcer's voice boomed over the intercom, "And its Holy Sonofabitch, Jeepers H. Crackers and Heeber Jeebers taking to early lead. Oh, and it looks like the newcomer Indaramon has pulled up lame for the forth race in a row."
"Or not," Hirokazu smirked.
"Hey, it's not my fault. That stupid guys at the shop probably sold me defective dealies."
"What?" Kenta asked.
"The dealies on his feet broke I needed to get new ones."
"You mean horseshoes?" Ruki's new Digimon Kunbiramon snickered.
"Oh no. You aren't starting that crap. All I wanted was some dealies and that stupid guy kept trying to sell me these 'horseshoe' things. Thank god Ryo-san was there to help. Right Ryo-san?"
"Can't talk…making out," Ryo went back to kissing Ruki.
"Hey, I thought you were with my broth…"
"Can't talk…making out," Jenrya said as he went back to kissing Renamon.
"Shut up! Indaramon is up and running," Takato said with joy.
"Wow!" the announcer cried, "Indaramon is up and on the move! Is he ever! He's running with more heart and soul than any horse I've ever seen! It's just too bad the race ended five minute ago."
Indaramon collapsed on the track, where his jockey whipped him repeatedly, "Culu! Culu! Culu!"
"Holy ERROR, I've never seen Culumon be such a hard ERROR," Guardromon pointed.
"Sometimes little guys really surprise you," Kenta said. Marine Angemon said something to him, "Marine Angemon said that's what my mom said about him in bed last nig…HEY!" Kenta yelled at his Digimon.
"Takato, why is Culumon being a jock strap?" Guilmon asked.
"It's Jockey. He's being a jockey because he's the lightest Digimon I could find," his Tamer answered.
"Ooh Ryo, you're such a good kisser!" Ruki said, intentionally loud.
"Ooh Jen, you are such a…BETTER kisser!" Renamon said, even louder.
"Oh Ryo, you're the best!"
"Oh Jen, you are beyond the best!"
"OH RYO!"
"OH JEN!"
"That's it!" Juri jumped out of her seat. "I've totally had it with this crap! You two are ending this stupid egomaniac feud right now! Leomon…Leomon! Where are you?"
We flash to outside the stadium as Leomon is helping a little girl across a busy intersection while practicing his new chainsaw-juggling act…
Back in the stadium a little girl screaming and sawing is heard. Monodramon notices some data floating away and pints to it, "Oh my god, I think something deleted Leomon!"
"You anonymous bastard!" Juri yelled at seemingly no one.
"Oh Jen, you are the best times infinity!"
"Oh Ryo, you're the best times infinity plus one!"
"That's the last straw. I gave you one more chance and you blew it! Sock them Guilmon! Sock everybody!" Juri commanded.
Guilmon blinked for a moment, "Umm…kay," letting loose a flurry of punches. He punched out Takato, quickly followed by Monodramon and Hirokazu.
As Hirokazu was losing consciousness he muttered, "This fic makes no sensssse…"
~*~
He awoke later to find himself in Shinjuku Park. The rest of the group was standing around a tied up woman. Various police and Hypnos members combed the area.
"Ugh, what's going on?"
"Hey, Hirokazu-kun. The Devas went home. Turns out it was all an evil plot by this girl," Kenta pointed to…
"Ruki's mom! But that doesn't make any sense," Hirokazu said.
"Sure, you'd like us to believe you're Rumiko," Ryo said confidently. He grabbed Rumiko's chin, pulling off a mask, "But in actuality you're…"
"Old man Gallagher!" everyone but Hirokazu cried.
"What the hell?" the visor-wearing Tamer said.
"That's right," Gallagher said, "and I'd have gotten away with it too. If it weren't for you nosy kids and you're dog."
"I'm a dinosaur," Guilmon said.
"Guys!" Takato yelled, running up to the group. "My uncle in Okinawa says there's big trouble. Turns out that a ghost is scaring all the villagers."
"Jinkees guys. It looks like a real case," Juri said.
"Jinkees?" Hirokazu repeated.
"To the Mystery Machine!" Ryo said as the group seemed to run without going anywhere. Suddenly they took off.
~*~
"YAHHHHHHH!" Hirokazu sat up, covered in sweat breathing heavily. He looked around to see that he was in his bed at his home.
"Good, you're awake, culu " Hirokazu turned to see Culumon on his pillow. "Maybe now you can give me some more of that sweet Kazu-chan lovin'."
~*~
"YAHHHHHHH!" Hirokazu sat up again, still covered in sweat and breathing heavily. He was in his bed with the Tamers and their Digimon surrounding him. Please don't be another dream. Please don't be another dream.
"Hirokazu-kun," Juri hugged him. "We thought Guilmon had knocking you out for good."
"Sorry, I just like to sock things," Guilmon apologized.
The Tamer rubbed his head, "It's all right. How…long was I out?"
"A few hours," Takato answered.
"Are the Devas still here?"
"No, Zhuqiaomon found the money to re-hire them. It turns out that China ripped off their personas to make four celestial gods. The Holy Beasts sued and got a huge cash settlement from the Chinese government," Ryo spoke up.
"And I am back with the traitor," Renamon grumbled while she and Ruki exchanged glares.
"But…but…" Hirokazu looked like he was going to cry.
"What the ERROR is wrong now?" Guardromon said.
"That episode made no sense! The plot, the climax, the dialogue! The Devas got fired! Alice kissed Majiramon! Marine Angemon is a whacked out sex o-holic! Guilmon hits everybody! I didn't get any…ok that part was true, but still it was all screwed up!" the Tamer sobbed.
"Aww, poor baby," Juri said, patting his head.
"I know it seemed weird, but we can explain it to you if you want," Ruki offered.
"Really?" Hirokazu sniffled. "Thanks guys."
Terriermon hopped up on the bed, "It actually makes a lot of sense once you hear it. You see…"
He was interrupted as Beelzebumon burst in the bedroom door, carrying a heavy red ball in his right hand, "Hey everyone! Let's bowl!"
"Alright!" everybody but Hirokazu cheered before whipping out bowling bags and following him.
"Beelzebumon never runs in and says 'let's bowl'," Hirokazu sobbed into his blankets.
The…
"No! You can't end the fic. The whole damn thing made no sense!"
The…
Monodramon burst in, "Terror-sama, can you play 'Taking care of business' during Translate O-Matic and author notes?"
Sure
"Thanks," Monodramon smiled. Hirokazu just sobbed harder.
The End
~*~
Translate O-Matic:
Tamers & Digimon:
Ruki=Rika
Juri=Jeri
Rumiko=Makino
Lee=Henry
Hirokazu=Kazu
Shiuchon=Suzie
Culumon=Calumon
Beelzebumon (Blast Mode)=Beelzemon
Growmon (The Growl)=Growlmon
Devas:
Chatsuramon (The dog Deva)=Caturamon
Indaramon (The horse Deva)=Indramon
Kunbiramon (The rat Deva)=Kumbhiramon
Majiramon (The dragon Deva)=same
Makuramon (The monkey Deva) =same
Mihiramon (The tiger Deva)=same
Pajiramon (The sheep Deva)=same
Santiramon (The snake Deva)=Sandiramon
Shinduramon (The rooster Deva)=Sinduramon
Vajiramon (The ox Deva)=Vajramon
Vikararamon (The boar Deva)=Vikaralamon
Levels & Terms:
Child=Rookie
Adult=Champion
Perfection/Perfect=Ultimate
Ultimate=Mega
San=Mr./Mrs./Miss
Sama=Sir/Ma'am
Chan=Title given to close friend, or family member. Can also be used for young children, regardless of gender.
Kun=Title used between boys who are close friends, or used by a girl to a boy who is a close friend (non-boyfriend). Can also be used by a male superior to a female subordinate.
~*~
Author's Notes: Finally got this one done. I thought I'd try to get this out before I did another chapter of "To be a Tamer".
"No you didn't. You started the chapter and had some writers block so you finished this."
The fic's over, Majiramon. Go home. Anyway, kudos to anyone who got the Renamon playing a flute thing or the Ryo as Sonic the Hedgehog joke.
"I doubt anyone did. But what about that group of fans that came into your office for an interview."
The readers don't want to hear about that. Go home.
"Roll the tape…"
~A man is in sitting at his computer desk in his house, nervously typing away. He looks like he hasn't slept in days. The camera crew enters, already filming.
The man looks up, "Wha…who the hell?! Get outta my office!" he whips out a shotgun from the desk and unloads a couple slugs.~
"And your lawyers bailed you out."
Yes they di…hey shut up! They didn't need to hear that. Now go home.
"Fine. At least I don't keep a loaded twelve gauge under my desk."
I heard that! Ahem, as I was saying. I hope you enjoyed the fic. I hope to continue this series with more installments in the future. For now, I'm going back to work on TBAT. As always R&R. Don't flame me because I won't bother to read them. Remember, it's a humor series, it's supposed to be weird.
Signed as always,
The §upreme Øverlord of Ðarkness