And Then You

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This is for you, Callica fans!

February 2016

'Dr Hahn?'

One of the nurses has poked his head around the door of the post-op recovery room that my residents and I are currently crammed into. I assume he wants me to sign off on a patient's chart.

'Yes?'

'Can I speak to you please?'

'I'll find you as soon as I'm finished with Mr Finnegan here.'

I assume that's the end of the conversation and I turn away. To my annoyance he doesn't leave.

'Dr Hahn, I'm afraid it's important.'

'As is my patient. I will find you in a minute.'

My tone leaves no room for discussion but unbelievably he stays where he is. As the residents shuffle and exchange glances he seems to be deliberating what to say. At last he blurts out:

'It's your son. He's at the nurse's station.'

Work is work. Life is life. Words from a previous existence. My mouth is suddenly dry.

'Is he sick?'

'Uh, no. He's very upset though. Daycare brought him down. He's asking for you.'

When I was still a resident the attending physician had delayed the start of an appendectomy so he could hear his son's opening lines in the school play. His wife had been in the audience holding her cell phone. It stuck in my mind, hearing his son's scratchy adolescent voice over the intercom, playing to a second audience, while the patient lay unconscious and bare. Standing next to him I thought 'that will never be me.' But now.

Mrs Finnegan is already waving me out of the room before I ask her permission.

'Don't even think twice, Doctor.'

'Thankyou. I'll just be a minute. Wait outside,' I tell the residents which I regret because no sooner have I stepped into the hall than I can hear him, screaming at the top of his lungs as if he's being tortured. No wonder, with Hahn for a mother I imagine them saying and take off at speed before I have the chance to read it in one of their faces.

I round the corner and there he is, sitting on the counter, his bear dangling from one hand, the other clutched tight in a fist. His face is all red and scrunched up and his little legs are kicking ineffectually. Maybe this is what he looked like when he was born. I missed that. But I'm here now.

'Jamie.'

At my voice his eyes fly open. Callie's eyes, I think involuntarily even though that's impossible. I've wondered in the past if that's why I love him so fiercely, because every time I look at him I'm reminded of Callie who I loved first.

'Momma!' The word explodes from him as forcefully as a bullet leaving a gun. Fearlessly he tries to jump down from the counter which causes me to have one heartstopping moment of panic before he is caught by one of the nurses who sets him on his feet. He throws himself at me and my senses get overloaded in a second: his hot damp face, the smell of the strawberry shampoo that Callie likes to wash the boys' hair with, his heart underneath his T-shirt beating wildly close to mine.

I pull him close for a second and then draw back a bit, my hands still on his arms, our faces close as can be.

'Jamie. Jay bird. Use your big boy voice and tell me what's wrong.'

He's still sobbing but the awful screaming has stopped. That's still incredible to me, the fact that my prescence alone can comfort someone.

'Julie killed Balloo!'

I then notice that Balloo, the toy bear that he's had since he was born is suffering from a chest injury. A big one. Stuffing is falling out like guts.

'What happened, bud?'

That question is answered by the girl from daycare who looks almost as upset as Jamie.

'She must have got hold of the craft scissors when I had my back turned. I'm so sorry, Dr Hahn, to interrupt you like this but he was so distraught and-'

'It's alright, Shannon. Jamie, Balloo isn't dead.'

His whole face lights up with hope. He trusts me so much it's almost frightening. Alright Hahn, time to think on your feet. Damn it, Callie is so much better at this stuff.

'No. He's hurt pretty badly but I can still hear his heartbeat. Here,' I hold Balloo to Jamie's ear, 'you listen too. Can you hear it?'

After a second he nods solemnly. I lay the bear in my arm like a baby.

'He needs some stitches. But until I have time to do those I'm going to patch him up okay?'

'Like with a band aid?'

'Yep. Exactly like that. Now sit back up here while I work on him.'

He, the nurses, and the stunned residents watch me intently as I gently push the stuffing back into place and stick some gauze over the wound. That brat, I'm thinking the whole time, I hope Jamie cuts your hair off.

'Alright!' I say with a flourish when I'm finished. 'Good as new,' and I give him back to Jamie, congratulating myself on pulling that one off.

He accepts the bear patiently but then he keeps looking at me expectantly. My heart sinks, I've missed something, I haven't played my part properly.

'Momma,' he stagewhispers, deciding to help me. 'You haven't kissed him better.'

I feel the eyes of every person in the hall on me, quite a crowd has gathered. In front of all of them I lean over and kiss Balloo, on the gauze, right where his heart would be. The nurses give me covert indulgent smiles whilst pretending to be busy and Jamie starts dangling Balloo by one paw again, apparently accepting that he's healed.

'Okay Jay bird, you've got to go back with Shannon now. Momma's working.'

''Kay. You look funny, Momma. Where's your hair gone?'

'It's under my cap, Jay, so it doesn't get in the way. I'll see you later, okay?'

'Yep. Love you, Momma.'

He says it casually, like it's easy and natural to love me.

'Me too, Jay.'

He walks off, hand in hand with Shannon who turns around to mouth 'sorry' one more time. It's funny, I'm not.

When I go to pick Jamie up from daycare at four he informs me that he's busy and doesn't want to go. There's paint all over him and he's coloring a picture of a dolphin. 'For Mami', he tells me, looking like a child saint.

'Well, you're going to have to give it to her tomorrow. Go and get your backpack, please.' He pouts but doesn't bother arguing with me, they both soon learned that was pointless.

'Where's Mami?' he asks when we're walking down the hall to the elevator, Balloo's head poking out of the top of his backpack.

'She's picking your hermano up from school. Want to wait with me in the cafeteria for them?'

'Yeah! Can I have fries?'

'Nope. No fries.'

'Can I have...chips?'

'No.'

'Jello?'

'No.'

'What can I have?'

'Fruit.'

'Oh.' His head falls, crestfallen. Then: 'Can I have grape jello?'

'Ha! Nice try. No.'

The elevator doors open and any disappointment about the fruit evaporates when he sees Sloan is in there.

'Uncle Mark!'

'Hi, Tiny Torres!' The hospital nickname for Jamie is proof that I'm not the only one who sees a lot of Callie in him.

'Erica,' he says, grinning at me. He was thinking of something dirty, I just know it.

'Manwh- I mean, Sloan. Hello.'

'Heading home for some of Mami's delicious cooking?'

'We're going to the cafeteria first. I have to have fruit.' He shares a look with Mark which has more than a hint of conspiracy. Sloan had the boys over to his apartment for 'mantime' last week and I'm fairly sure he fed them something disgusting like pizza with Lucky Charms as a topping. Callie's response to my suspicions: 'Hey, at least he didn't take them to Hooters.'

'Moms can be tough sometimes, hey little guy?'

'Yeah!' I shoot Sloan a murderous look but he only takes that as encouragement.

'You know, Tiny Torres, I could tell you a lot of stories about this elevator.'

'Sloan-'

'Including a killer one about your Moms.'

'Sloan, I swear if you corrupt my child-'

The doors open. Sloan still has that annoying grin on his face.

'I guess this is your floor. I'll save that story for another time. Bye, Jay. Tell Leo we're still on for the batting cages on Friday. Erica, enjoy your night.' He winks at me and then is thankfully gone.

'Momma, what story?'

'Nothing Jay, come on.'

I buy grapes for us to share, juice box for him, coffee for me and I'm just looking around for a free table when he takes off at full speed, like a greyhound after a rabbit. I follow as fast as I can but damn, he's quick.

'Momma,' he says, a bit breathless from his high speed pursuit, when I catch him up, 'it's AZ!'

He's already made himself comfortable in the seat next to the famously perky head of paeds. He worships her, even more than suave 'Uncle Mark', but then Robbins usually has a trail of kids following her like the Pied Piper, it's no wonder Jamie's fallen under her spell as well.

'Jamie, if you run off like that again you'll be in time out when we get home. Sorry about that, Robbins, Bailey,' I say, nodding to the other occupant of the table.

'Oh, no problem,' she says flashing me her thousand mega watt grin. Robbins gave me her spiel about 'magic' happening in the paeds ward once which almost made me vomit. Not to mention that she introduced herself as 'Arizona Robbins, lesbian, gold star' when she heard that Callie and I were together. Still, she's a good doctor, seems to like my kids and can drink like a sailor so I suppose she's not all bad.

'Why don't you join us,' she says gracefully.

'Thanks.'

'AZ has fries!' Jamie says in an outraged tone which carries the whole of the cafeteria.

Goddamn fries.

'I'll trade you for one of your grapes,' she says winking. 'If it's OK with your Mom.'

Wearily, I nod.

'And Jamie, say hello to Dr Bailey. Chew first.' I add quickly.

'Hello, Dr Bailey,' he says dutifully. He's a little afraid of her which is no bad thing.

'Hello, James. Been painting today?'

'How did you know?' he says, dumbstruck.

'Oh, I know a lot of things, James. Lots of things.'

'How are the plans for the baptism coming along?' Robbins asks. Robbins loves baptisms, naturally.

'Oh, you know. Catholicism is a lot of work. This is only the beginning. After this there's confession, communion, confirmation. And Callie's father is insisting they go to Holy Cross for college because 'that's where Torreses go'. He's got places reserved for them apparently. They're six and four for God's sakes.'

Bailey raises a sympathetic eyebrow.

'And the whole family is coming here?'

'Yes. My Mom and Dad and two brothers. Callie's parents are flying up in the jet. They offered to pick my parents up on the way but my Dad wants to take a road trip. That will end in trouble. Callie's brother and Spanish Barbie as well ' I shudder, thinking of the last time I saw Aria. She tried to take me shoe shopping. 'The Torreses are staying in a hotel thankfully. But still. My family will be in our house. For five days.'

Both of them look suitably horrified.

'And then there's the ceremony. Do you have any idea how long Catholics take to do anything? We'll be there for days probably.'

'Momma, are you blaspheming again?'

Bailey snorts with laughter.

'Who taught you that word?'

'Abuelito. On the phone the other night. He said that you were a heathen but that it was okay because Leo and me are getting accepted to the True Faith.'

'You know, Jay, I can't wait to see your Abuelito.'

'Me neither!' he says enthusiastically, the sarcasm completely lost on him.

My phone buzzes.

'Okay, that's your Mami. She's in the parking garage. Come on, Jay bird. Fly home.'

'Hola, mijo! Been painting?' Jamie, the little charmer, is leaning forward in his car seat to give Callie a kiss, making it difficult for me to strap him in.

'Jay, you're making things a little bit difficult for me here.'

'I'm just trying to say hello to Mami!'

'Tell you what, I'll give Mami a kiss for you, okay?' I smile at Callie just a tiny bit suggestively.

'Eww,' says Leo, wrinkling his nose.

'Give Leo a kiss, Jamie. You haven't seen him since this morning.'

'Kiss Leo? Gross!'

'Yeah gross, Momma,' he complains but he submits willingly enough when I lean over and kiss his forehead.

'How was school, buddy?'

'Good. '

'Hey, have I told you how handsome you look in your uniform?' Callie's father insisted on paying for a private Catholic school, I gave in gracefully after a token protest. He's missed out on four years of spoiling, Callie had wheedled.

He smiles his shy little half smile.

'Can we read when we get in?'

'Yep, after dinner.'

'You have to sew up Balloo after dinner!'

'I haven't forgotten, Jay, don't worry.'

Finally, I get to climb in the front.

'So, where's my kiss?'

'Um. I'll give it to you later?'

She smiles, definite suggestion. Hint of seduction.

'What happened to Balloo?' she says offhandedly as she pulls out of the garage.

'Oh, stab wound to the chest. He needs some stitches but it's not fatal.'

Hope you liked it, more of Leo and the adoption story to come.