The Golden Doe

For PD. Periwinkle Dwarves.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Okay I finally got back to this. Thank goodness. Anyway, I hope this one will clear things up!

Third POV

Peter Pettigrew sat at the table, a piece of parchment in his hands.

" What do you want me to write my Lord?" he asked in a wavering voice.

No response.

Peter didn't dare push the Dark Lord for anything so he waited.

" Let her go. Or else."

" My Lord?" he asked tentatively.

" Write it Wormtail."

" But why James, my Lord?"

" The Potter boy needs to learn. He's a blood traitor with a fine aim. Just last week he managed to capture one of us. If we could get him on our side. He would be valuable. Very valuable," the Dark Lord said.

" Then why make Lily go away from him? She loves him," Peter asked.

The Dark Lord did not turn around. " The Mudblood. She's a very strong witch indeed. We can look past her blood. But, she can not marry the Potter boy. He must marry a pureblood."

" A pureblood?" Peter asked, flinching at the sound. He knew James, and this idea would not sit well with him. He had never believed in this sort of thing, and had always loved Lily.

Peter believed the same. That blood didn't matter. He was half blood himself. Pretending to be a pureblood, though he knew the Dark Lord probably only wanted him because HE was close to the Potter that the Lord wanted.

Peter obeyed, writing it.

Then he watched as the Lord took it, read it carefully, and then sending it off with a black eagle.

Peter watched it soar away, knowing this was just the first piece that would break James Potter's heart.

" It's from Him," James said.

Peter didn't have to ask who 'Him' was. It was the Dark Lord.

" What does it say?" Sirius asked, and took the paper James offered.

He looked at James worriedly. " What are you going to do?"

" What can I do?" James asked.

Remus took the note next, and he paled. " You aren't going to push her away are you?"

" I have to Remus," we all looked at James. We rarely used our real names unless it was Order business.

" No you don't. Marry her. You love her."

" If I marry her," he ran his fingers through his hair. " He'll kill her. That's what he'll do. It's because of my bloodline, and she's muggleborn. He doesn't want that. He wants me to join him. But he'll kill her if I don't let her go."

" If you let her go do you know what will happen James?" Sirius asked. " You both love each other. You can't let him do this to you."

" He already has," James replied.

" What do you think Peter?"

Peter jumped. " Oh. Well...maybe Prongs is right. I mean..." he trailed off as Remus and Sirius looked as though they might murder him. " I mean...you shouldn't do what he says. But maybe he's right. I mean, you can't really fight him can you?"

" James mate, just think it over."

Remus and Sirius both got up, and left, dragging me with them. I could tell we were going to have a talk. A long one.

" What was that Wormtail?" Sirius demanded as soon as we were to the Common Room. " What was it?"

" I'm just being reasonable Pads!" We were in our 7th year. Our final one. And already it looked like our friendship might be dwindling. Not in front of everyone, but behind closed doors our friendship was being torn up.

" Reasonable?" Remus cut in. " Really Peter? James would throw himself off of Hogwarts if he lost Lily. He loves her. You can't tell him that! So what if Voldemort doesn't agree?"

I flinched at the name but Remus continued. " He loves her. He was going to propose to her. Why would you say that? Why?"

He shook my shoulders angrily.

" I'm being realistic! After we're done with Hogwarts, once this is all over, then what? He'll have to let her go or else he'll kill her!"

" He will not! We'll be there Peter. We'll be protecting her life. James will too, he'd give up everything for her."

I shook my head. " He has dark powers. Dark magic. You can't always win," I whispered.

" What's wrong with you Peter!" I was slammed into a wall. I felt my skull come in contact with the wood, and it hurt. But not as much as the look in their eyes. " He loves her! Why are you so against him loving?" Sirius's eyes burned with a hatred that I knew he usually reserved for Snape.

" I'm not. I'm doing what is right for him. He loves her. But while he stays with her, he puts her in a danger that he knows nothing of! He'll murder her! Torture her. He'll do whatever he can to get all the information he can. If her being in the Order isn't enough, her being muggleborn is. Why would he spare her. Haven't you seen all the deaths in the Prophet? He's merciless. He won't stop killing, and she means nothing to him. If James wants to put her at that risk, that's his choice. But I don't want to see her die because I didn't say anything," I snapped.

Sirius glared. " I just told you, he'll protect her with his life. If they die. They die together."

He stepped back, and I turned my head.

" Sirius. What's going on?" James stood at the bottom of the stairs, the note clutched in his hands.

" Nothing," Sirius snapped, turning away from me.

" He'll torture her?" James whispered.

I hated that look in his eyes, and I looked away.

" I said it's nothing," Sirius snapped. " I'm handling this."

James looked at him just as fiercely. " No. Peter is right. I can't have him hurt her. I have to let her go."

The instant he slammed the door, mud caked on his shoes, water drenching him I knew.

He'd done it.

The lost, empty look in his eyes was enough for anyone to be able to tell.

The day she shouted at him, I saw how with each word, his heart broke just a little more.

When the doe went after him, he gave her flowers, but she never answered.

They stopped talking for a few years.

Then, when they both were officially in the Order, rather than just a sign up list, they talked a little more. But they never kissed, or fell back into the love they once lost.

I felt terrible. Like a creature inside of me was trying to rip me from the inside out whenever I saw the look in his eyes as he watched her walk away again.

When he left on his wedding day. I knew.

" He's gone after her, hasn't he?" Remus asked knowingly.

I nodded silently.

At the twinge in my left arm, I made up an excuse, saying I would be back...then I too vanished.

" Yes?"

" Wormtail. How good to see you again. Tell me, what is this?"

I took the paper from him. There, written in my own writing was my words that haunted me.

Let her go. Or else.

" Well it is a note. From you my Lord, to the Potter boy," I answered.

" You said they were apart." It was an accusation on my part.

" They were my Lord." I looked down.

" Then you should be able to tell me what this is doing," he said calmly.

" He doesn't care. He'd rather be happy and marry her than obey what you said," I said hoping I sounded stronger than I felt.

" We will kill him for what he's done," the Dark Lord said quietly.

" Yes Master." The words cut me like a knife to say, and I knew I was on my road to betrayal.

After the wedding, I watched in silence.

I pulled out my wand, whispering the words Lily loved so much. " Facula Animaus."

Wisps of gold came from the tip of my wand. Slowly, it appeared, it was a rat.

It looked up at me. And then I broke down, I cried.

I knew I was in too deep. No one could save me. I had let the Dark Lord deceive me, and he lied.

Worse, I had believed him.

I had believed that he would honor me if I killed them. But really, I was betraying my friends...and myself at the same time.

So why did that seem like it was worth it?

Now I only did as he said because I knew the truth. I knew I had nothing to lose. By joining him, I had already lost my friends. I had nothing to gain.

I wanted it over. With or without me he would kill James Potter.

I hoped someone would kill me after all of the things I did.

Because in truth, I knew I deserved it.

I couldn't even save myself anymore. What was I doing?

I was killing my best friends. The friends who once trusted me. The loyalty that I had never broken, was shattered in the halls I once walked.

Why did I join him?

What would I ever do now?

I couldn't run. Because I wanted it over.

More than once, I had wondered if I could kill myself.

But I couldn't do it. Because I wanted to see how much they hated me, reflected in their eyes, how much I hated myself. I wanted them to hate me, I wanted them to hate me enough to kill me, end my life. My sorrow.