(catchy theme tune)
Announcer: And now, your host, Alex Trebek!
Alex: (walks out and greets the American viewing public) Welcome! Contestants on today's celebrity tournament will be donating their winnings to various charities. Our first contestant is not only a high-ranking Autobot official, but yesterday's returning champion. Ladies and gentleman, please greet Ultra Magnus.
Ultra Magnus: (blushes) I'm just a soldier, Alex.
Alex: Yesterday you told us about your ordeal on the Junkion homeworld. Today, why don't you tell us about your hobbies?
Ultra Magnus: Well, uh, I like knitting afghans, collecting Planet of the Apes action figures and watching Unsolved Mysteries. My charity is G.I. Joe.
Alex: How interesting! Our next contestant is Megatron, high leader of the Decepticons, who will donate his proceeds to the Decepticon Progress fund.
Megatron: (cackles) Hello, Alex. I'd like to make an announcement. Mu-ha-ha. (He reaches under his stand and pulls out a man who had been bound and gagged.) I have here your dear friend and fellow gameshow host, Pat Sajack. Ha huh huh. If I am not declared the victor in today' tournament, I will crush his puny head.
Alex: Do understand, Megatron, that I cannot allow that to affect the judges' decisions. Sorry, Pat.
Pat: (muffled cries of worry)
Megatron: You are a worthy adversary, Alex Trebek. That's why I have a back-up plan.
(A curtain rolls back, revealing a seated Optimus Prime strapped to the Jeopardy! monitors.)
Megatron: If I win the game, Optimus will be considered a loser and explode. Either way, I win.
Alex: How nice. Our next...
Megatron: And my back-up back-up plan is...
Alex: Please, Megatron, we are strapped for time. Our next guest is pop music parodyist "Weird Al" Yankovic, who will be donating his winnings to Tony's Swiss Cheese Museum.
Al: (looking up at the much larger Transformers) Erm, hi, Alex.
Ultra Magnus: (points at Al) Hey, you did a theme tune for my movie.
Al: Uh...
Alex: We best get on to the answers. Today's categories are...(He points to the Jeopardy! monitors and we see the category titles appear.) Binary Bonding, Ways Optimus Prime Has Died, Animation Errors, Things Found Jammed Up Starscream's Exhaust Pipe, Comics Vs. Cartoon Continuity and Television Sitcoms That Weird Al Knows Nothing About.
Weird Al: Okay, that's it! (walks off set in frustration)
Alex: Well, this is unprecedented. We shall have to replace Al with another contestant.
Grimlock: (bounds onto the stage and sits behind Al's tiny podium): Me Grimlock! Me love teddy bears!
Alex: Okay. Grimlock, you're representing the Dinobots and will donate your money to Rhode Island. Why don't you choose first?
Grimlock: Me take Comics Vs. Cartoon Contiguality for 8 cents.
Alex: Oka...
Grimlock: (squints) Wait, me can't read tiny print on screen!
Alex: That's why I will read the answer.
Grimlock: If you say answer, what left for me to do?
(Laughs and cheers come loudly from the audience. Alex shushes the rowdy ones, who turn out to be the other Dinobots. Bashfully, they lower their "We luv Grimlok" signs and quiet down.)
Alex: I'll say the answer and you give me the question. Understand?
Grimlock: No.
Alex: Okay. This character was a likable oaf in the cartoon but a brutish dictator in the comic books.
Grimlock: What me Grimlock say is...
Alex: That's right! Grimlock is the correct answer. (Grimlock is awarded the $500.) Choose another category.
Grimlock: Me settle for Television Sitcoms That Weird Al Knows Nothing About for 9.5 Lira.
Alex: For $400, this Monty Python actor starred in a short-lived American sitcom entitled Nearly Departed.
(Ultra Magnus buzzes in)
Ultra Magnus: (toys with his ear antennae and whispers) Come in, Wreck-Gar.
Alex: Ultra Magnus?
Ultra Magnus: Oh, Who is...(listens closely to his ear)...The Mary Tyler Moore Show! They're heroes in a halfshell and they're green! Constable Fraser, stop eating dirt!...Darnit, Wreck-Gar!
Alex: Ultra Magnus, are you cheating?
Ultra Magnus: (throws his arms to his side and stands stiff) No, of course not! The question is...(sneaks a quick listen to his ear)...Who is Eric Idle?
Alex: That's right! A little known fact is that Eric Idle voiced a character in an animated feature entitled Trans...
Ultra Magnus: That's enough information, Trebek.
(Ultra Magnus proceeds to plow through the TV category, but is not as quick on the draw as Megatron when he chooses Binary Bonding.)
Alex: Megatron, for $200, what human was bonded to Fort Max?
Megatron: (laughs) I claim this whole category and all the cash that goes with it!
Alex: Whatever do you mean?
Megatron: It is only 1999 and Headmaster technology has not been invented yet! You've given me an anomalous category and you therefore must forfeit all its winnings to me! Mwahaha...
Alex: Hmm...Johnny, what do the judges say about that?
Announcer: They fear for their lives and therefore agree to give Megatron the money.
Megatron: Yes! Victory shall be mine!
Ultra Magnus: Oh, Fruity Pebbles!
Alex: Well. Since you are all giant contestants, arcane Jeopardy! edicts dictate that the size of the players reflects inversely on the program length. Therefore, we now move on to Final Jeopardy! The category is Fanwank Physics.
(Megatron, Ultra Magnus and Grimlock all blink.)
Alex: But first, a commercial break.
(Meanwhile...Optimus Prime, his mind trapped inside the Jeopardy! computers, sees himself floating among fields of light. Scented wind sucks him into the main core, where he sees a familiar figure seated on a throne.)
Optimus Prime: Alpha Trion?
Alpha Trion: Greetings, Optimus Prime. I see the current Autobot leader has once again put his life on the line over a game. If you want so much to be dead, why don't you just hang around Hot Rod some more?
Optimus Prime: It's not like that. Megatron trapped me in the Jeopardy! computers. I thought you were in the Matrix, Alpha Trion. What are you doing here?
Alpha Trion: I've found a good gig here, Optimus. My accumulated wisdom comes in handy. It is I, after all, who selects all the questions they use on the show.
Optimus Prime: And I always thought it was Alex. So, what do we do now?
Alpha Trion: How about some Hi-C?
Optimus Prime: Sounds spiffy.
(In the outside world...)
Alex: Grimlock, I'm afraid you don't have much to wager compared to your opponents, but feel free to submit a question anyway. The final answer is, "When you are not using your weapons, it is where they disappear to." You have sixty seconds to write your question; begin now.
(The countdown tune plays as the three contestants write down their replies. Grimlock struggles through his, Megatron confidently writes his with a flourish and Ultra Magnus fidgets nervously before scribbling his down at the last moment.)
Alex: Alright, Megatron, you wagered all of your money and will be the new Jeopardy! champion if you get this right. For everything, "When you are not using your weapons, it is where they disappear to."
Megatron: What is up Starscream's exhaust pipe?
Alex: I'm sorry, but that is incorrect. The correct reply was Subspace. Subspace is where the weapons disappear to.
Megatron: But that is where I put my weapons! This is an outrage! I shall crush the head of Pat Sajak!
Alex: Let it wait till after we hear the other contestants' answers. Ultra Magnus?
Ultra Magnus: Uh. (He peeks at his answer of "under the pillow?" and fidgets some more.) I wrote, uh, oh blast it! (He swings open his chest and rips out the Matrix.) Now, light our darkest hour! Open, dammit!
(The audience gasps as Ultra Magnus actually succeeds and light pours forth from the Matrix, bathing the set of Jeopardy! Optimus Prime, almost done with his fruit drink beverage, finds himself sucked away by the Matrix energies. Alpha Trion waves goodbye.)
Megatron: Bah! I shall crush the puny Sajak!
(Suddenly, Optimus Prime's mind rejoins his body and he rips free of the monitors.)
Optimus Prime: Megatron, I thought you were made of sterner stuff.
(Megatron drops Pat Sajak and faces his nemesis.)
Megatron: Do you throw your life away so easily, Prime?
Optimus Prime: Let's settle this. One shall stand; one shall fall.
Megatron: As you wish!
(Megatron and Optimus Prime rush at each other and become engrossed in the most epic thumb war the nation has ever seen.)
Alex: That's fascinating. Grimlock, what did you put? You could be the new champion.
Grimlock: It's a secret, Alex, but me tell you. I put it up my...(He leans down and whispers in the host's ear.)
Alex: Not only is that incorrect, it is disgusting!
Grimlock: Hey, it work, even if it make me walk funny! (Grimlock demonstrates this by hobbling off of the set.)
Alex: That's Jeopardy! folks. Please tune in tomorrow when we might actually have a winner. I hear Scott Baio will be on, so watch out!
Ultra Magnus: (struggling to fit the Matrix back in his chest) Get...back...in there!
(Jeopardy! theme begins to play until Optimus Prime tosses Megatron at the speakers. The walls come down and the show ends.)