Yes, Howard had a horrible temper. But, whatever. The important thing was that he could hide it very well. Unless he was drunk or something, no one could ever tell that Howard was angry, or depressed, or upset. Well, except for Raj. But then again, Raj was Howard's sole exception for everything. Though Howard did not become enthralled as often as he used to, Raj was still concerned about his choice of method in administrating these emotions when they did arise. He didn't particularly think it was healthy that Howard was bottling inside all of this craziness of wanting to choke babies, or to throw puppies into a blender, or to even throw himself into said blender. It was perhaps from how his eyes would start to twitch even more rapidly than usual, or the distinct shade of red to which his face would turn, or how his body would stiffen up like a rock that Raj could see that this was really hurting him. Raj wanted to help, but was he still angry at Howard? Of course.

Bernadette had gone into labour a couple of hours ago, at around midnight. But because she had been carrying twins, and her petite body had rendered her most likely unable to even deliver one child alive, she had been forced into surgery. Howard, on the other hand, had been left to sit in the waiting room with Raj, who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time because Bernadette, who was often oblivious to everything, insisted that he stayed for a rather awkward dinner at their place before her water broke.

Raj hated how Howard was too proud to allow himself to break down and cry, or even show a sliver of weakness in public, because it was not what "real men" did. Bullshit. He looked like a man all right, a demented one sitting in his padded cell of a hospital seat with his twiggy, quivering limbs crumpled up together like a haystack. Raj just couldn't bring himself to understand why Howard was still trying to pull off this stupid skit in such a desperate situation like this. How pretentious could the bastard get? Sighing, Raj took Howard's shaking body into his arms, as Howard mauled into his embrace almost reflexively, digging his fingers into the back of Raj's sweater. Raj knew how much Howard hated crying in front of people, even himself. But he found it hard to blame him, scold him, or to point out his hypocrisy when he heard those ugly, wheezing sobs coming from a wet patch on his shoulder. Instead, he sighed and weaved his fingers through Howard's hair, soothing out those greasy knots, and whispered, as patiently as he could, that everything was going to be all right, while silently, he prayed to the gods that Howard wouldn't lose his mind completely.

However, Raj did find that the tugs he gave to Howard's scalp might have been rather hard, and his supposedly comforting tone a little too cold than intended. Well, he tried to be comforting. He really did. And Howard, in his current state, did not seem to notice anyways. Raj was supposed to be mad at him and not be caring in the first place.

Raj pryed apart from Howard's hug, thus preventing himself from being asphyxiated by the strength he didn't know the little guy had. Howard looked up at him in response, his dilated, pitch-black pupils brimmed with desperation, tugging at Raj's heart like a lost, though... still maniacal child at the sleeve of a stranger. Raj couldn't resist cuddling Howard back into his arms, and hated himself for it.

Raj knew that Howard wanted, needed nothing right now but his attention, and a weakness of heart caused him to give in. Heck, Raj was flattering himself, at this point, Howard would have settled with getting attention from any random person. So how could he have been so stupid to have tossed away the little self pride he had for the sake of realizing this.. fantasy that he had concocted in the first place to make his lonely life more bearable? Another weakness of heart had leaped him into this little affair, and it had gotten him nothing in the end but a stab on the neck.

Though his mind was screaming, "no" as loudly as silent screams could have been, Raj took Howard's stiff, cold hands into his. He held them tightly, as if he was trying to swallow them with warmth. Bending down, he planted his lips barely, briefly on Howard's pale cheek, as if he wanted to, but didn't have permission to do that. Though Howard did offer for him to do it a second time, Raj refused to kiss him again.

Sunlight was finally peeking out from the thick, gloomy layer of clouds that had been covering the sky. Thin were these young rays, as if they were scared to come out of hiding, scared to face a new day. Tonight had been frightening indeed. But in the end, Bernadette came out fine, and now, she and Howard were parents to a boy and girl. Raj mindlessly smiled a little, not at anyone or anything in particular, however. He was alone. He had tried to be happy for the couple, he really did. He stayed in the hospital room with them for as long as he could, despite the hot, hot sickness that was beginning to boil at the pit of his stomach. He watched silently as Howard held his Bernie like he would a sick bunny, cupping her small hands in his so gingerly, like they were going to shatter if he didn't, while Raj had nothing to hold but his angry tummy, so he wouldn't vomit all over the bed. This had been the first time Raj actually felt disgust from watching them together. Their tenderness, their love. Watching them was as painful as watching the sun. So, he managed to slip away as quietly as possible, minding to not disturb them. Not that they would have missed him anyways.

He was now standing under the building, leaning his back against the wall. The darkness of night had been completely washed away. A blushing pink had flooded through the clouds' thin crevices, making the sky look like one huge opal. Though Raj was no smoker, he wished he had a cigarette right now just to blow some heat into the chilly February air. The scenery was nice here. That was Raj's excuse for having long overstayed his welcome at the hospital.

"I'm so sorry, Raj." said the slumping, visibly exhausted Howard who was now standing before him. There were dark circles under his eyes the size of golf balls, and it looked like someone had carved wrinkles into his face with a knife. He couldn't have managed to speak those words without plunging into a spell of raw, dry coughs. It seemed like he gave up half of his life just to walk down from the maternity wing to find Raj. Howard really looked like he needed another hug right now. But, Raj refused to have any of it.

Raj's first instinct had been to shove Howard to the ground and beat him into 97 pounds of bloody pulp, like how he had wanted to for weeks. He definitely could have, even if Howard had been in perfect shape. But Raj knew he couldn't, he could never bear to hurt him. But, at the very least, he needed an explanation as to why Howard was standing here now, when he had kept his sex toy locked up in the closet for all this time.

"Why are you sorry?" Raj asked, trying to keep his anger silent and invisible.

Howard licked his lips, shook his head back and forth slowly, started, stopped, and started again, as if this, too, had been troubling him for a long time. "Because," he said finally, in a deeper, softer tone that even Raj had never heard, "I couldn't tell you that I loved you before." His face was scrunched in frustration, desperation, he could barely catch his breath as he spoke, "But I do, I do love you, Raj, I always have."

Howard gave him a small, bittersweet smile after he finished. It was the kind of smile that would have broken anyone's heart. Howard may as well as have been kneeling on the ground, hugging Raj's legs with all his strength so he wouldn't leave him. Raj closed his eyes for a moment, opened them, and said quietly, "Prove it."

Howard shuddered a nod, and let his lips simply fall on Raj's without saying anything more. Words would have just ruined the moment, Howard had already said enough. But the way Howard's mouth cuckholed Raj's, like two feathery pillows, or the way his hand grazed over blushing cheeks that somehow made his cold fingertips feel warmer, actually made Raj believe that Howard really meant it this time. It felt as if Howard had given everything he had to him, sealed one single kiss. Raj couldn't help but take it. All rational sense that Raj had melted under his touch.

"We will make this work," Howard said, looking straight into Raj's eyes, without blinking, "I promise."

It was awfully late, perhaps one or two in the morning. Raj, who was too skeptical to be wandering around this part of town during the day, would have never agreed to do so at such an ominous time as this. But this was the first time he and Howard got to be together since what happened at the hospital, so he was willing to bend his rule. They hadn't said much to each other all night, and Raj liked it that way. Howard had a big mouth. But then again, if he did say something stupid, Raj would have forgiven him with a shut-up kiss anyways. They were happy to just be with each other. There wasn't enough time for leading on fussy fights.

It was one of those typical April nights. The air felt cool, refreshing, yet not frigid. It smelt of life and hope as much as it did of decay. Spring was a season of irony, of indeterminate abstraction. Though, Raj had long tried to derive mathematical principles that explained, precisely, the various psychological, sociological, and biological properties of this annual phenomenon, because he was lame that way, and that he had been friends with Sheldon for too long. But, after many failed mental masturbatory sessions, he had given up, and just let himself soak in all the whooziness that Spring brought him, much like how he and Howard were now skipping hand-in-hand across an abandoned alleyway in downtown Pasadena like a pair of "special" 5-year olds, with the misty, slightly gasoline-singed April rain billowing through their faces.

They came to a stop at the intersection, collapsed into each others' arms, and somehow broke into a simultaneous fit of laughter, perhaps at their own foolishness. Raj had been caught in his own infinite loop of choking giggles, and probabily would have happily died if it weren't for Howard, who saved him by taking his breath with a kiss, reducing Raj's laughs into hiccups afterwards.

The night was, if possible, even more quiet now. The clouds have thinned enough for what was a stained glass resolution of the moon to be visible. The finger-like branches of the tree they were sitting under made it look as if the amorphous moon, like white sacred fire, was being held by someone's hand. The little time they had together, so far, had been perfect, a little too perfect for Raj's liking. There was an elephant in the room, and he had to get rid of it, even though it broke his heart to destroy such a wonderful moment like this.

Raj shifted his head to a more comfortable spot on Howard's lap, and looked up to face him who was fondly, lazily playing with Raj's hair. Raj swallowed, and said, "Say, I never got to congratulate you on being a father," trying to toss as much nonchalance as he could into his words.

Howard smiled hesitantly, and blinked a couple of times before saying, slowly, "Thanks, Raj," and resumed back to brushing his hair with his hands, stiffly.

"Well, how are the twins doing?" Raj pressed on, articulating his words with as much gentleness as he could muster. He had gotten up from Howard's lap, and found himself stabbing his gaze into Howard's as he spoke. His body language did little to hide his slight irritation, and undeniable jealousy.

"Raj," Howard answered patiently after taking a deep breath, like a mother assuring her child for the zenith time that monsters didn't exist, "Let's not talk about this right now. You are all I care about." He took those shrivelled little hands out from Raj's coat pocket and tried to open his stubborn fingers. Howard wanted Raj to trust him, so badly.

Raj, who decided it wasn't worth it to be such a pain in the ass around him for too long, relaxed his hands and let Howard take them.

"Okay," Raj shrugged, and let his head fall back on Howard's lap. As long as Howard loved him, nothing else mattered, he told himself.

Fin.

Sorry for the bad ending. I hope you liked reading it. Thank you so much for the reviews. =D Best wishes, Salty Peanuts.