CHAPTER ONE

THE SHITTIEST ASS BIRTHDAY

"Pass the fucking bacon or I'll say the magic word," said Harry.

Uncle Vernon had a field day.

"I DON'T NEGOTIATE," thundered his uncle, "WITH ASSHOLES."

"Fuck off —"

"I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS BULLSHIT!"

"Fuck you and your dinner party," said Harry.

"What the fuck will you be doing?" said Uncle Vernon.

"I'll be in my bedroom, jerking," said Harry.

"Nasty little shit," said Uncle Vernon.

"Stay the fuck out of the way," he snarled.

Harry strolled into the garden.

He stared into the hedge — and the hedge was mooning him.

Dudley rolled over.

"Today's my birthday. Trim the fucking hedge or I'll set fire to the rain," said Harry.

"Eat a d-dick — Dad said you're not to do m-magic."

"Jiggery niggery!" said Harry.

"ALL RIGHT!" howled Dudley.

Dudley cried while cleaning.

See the douche Harry Potter now, he thought.

Harry took a bite out of the pork roast in the oven.

"Up yours bitch!" snapped Harry to Aunt Petunia.

Harry went upstairs to masturbate on his bed but there was already someone on it.