Of Voldemort, Bob and a Snack Machine

Part 3: Eat Me, Drink Me

A/N: Some people were offended by my (or rather, Voldie's) excessive use of the word fuck, so in this part I have replaced all of those with things such as "frik", "freak" and "fruck". And the story continues…

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"Snack machine?" said Professor McGongall. "We don't have a snack machine."

Now Ron was really confused. Of course they had a snack machine! Meanwhile…

"Hey, voice dude!" said Voldemort. "How do I defeat the Hershey bars?"

"You are here for a purpose, Tom Riddle," the voice said.

Just then Professor Snape walked by. "Voldemort," he said, "Why are you in the snack machine? Wait a minute, we don't have a snack machine!" Snape ran off to tell Dumbledore about Voldemort in the snack machine.

"WAIT! SEVERUS! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Voldie. Suddenly he felt something hitting his back. It was a Hershey bar. "I'M GONNA FRIKKIN' DIE!!!!!!"

"You must defeat the Hershey bars, Tom Riddle," said the voice as the Hershey bar army hurled themselves at Voldemort. Suddenly Voldie saw a candy bar labeled "Eat Me." Sadly, he had never read Alice in Wonderland and didn't know any better than to eat it. He suddenly grew so tall that his head shot out of the top of the snack machine. Then Voldie saw a bottle labeled "Drink Me," and poor, stupid Voldemort drank it. He shrank down to the size of the Hershey bars.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed in terror, which was understandable as the Hershey bars had begun pelting him with M&Ms, which were now huge to him. In a rare moment of thinking, he grabed a Pull 'N Peel Twizzler, made it into a lasso, and used it to climb up onto a higher shelf.

"Tom Riddle, Bob is not pleased. You must defeat the Hershey bars." That stupid voice was back again.

"Shut up," said Voldemort.

Just then Dumbledore walked in, with Snape following him.

"See sir? Voldemort is in the snack machine," said Snape.

"GET ME OUT!" shrieked Voldemort. "I JUST WANTED A FREAKING BAG OF DORITOS FROM THE SNACK MACHINE!"

"I see," replied Dumbledore, stroking his beard. "But we don't have a snack machine." He and Professor Snape walked away.

At Voldemort's evil secret hideout…

"Where is Master?" Wormtail asked Lucius Malfoy, as they played a game of strip poker.

"He said something about Hogwarts, but he left his wand here. Maybe we should go help him."

"Yeah," said Pettigrew. He and Lucius set off for Hogwarts.

When they got there, they saw the shrunken Voldemort in the snack machine. "HELP!" he shrieked.

"Master!" they both said, running over. Wormtail stuck his hand in to try and reach Voldemort, and he and Lucius were sucked in too!

"Fools! You should have gotten help!" said Voldemort. "And why are you only wearing pants? Were you playing strip poker or something?"

"Master," asked Lucius stupidly, "Have you shrunk?

"Ya think? It was something I frikkin' ate."

"We brought your wand," said Pettigrew. He handed it to Voldemort.

"This isn't my wand, it's a frikkin' stick! You idiots! SAVE ME!"

"I can call for help on my cell phone," said Lucius.

'What's a cell phone?" asked Wormtail.

"How am I supposed to know?" said Lucius. "I'm a wizard."

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Will they ever get out of the snack machine? And what will happen to the attacking Hershey bars?

Tune in next time to find out!