Dead Air.

Updated: What was originally supposed to be a two-shot is growing. I don't think we'll get past four chapters, but at the rate I'm going... this'll be the "Atlas Shrugged" of fanfic. I hope you enjoy!

Sookie wanted to throw her phone against the wall as she felt the ever-present vibration against her backside while she filled up the salt and pepper shakers, getting ready to finish her shift at Merlotte's Bar and Grill.

She didn't want to do it, but she peered around to make sure that all the customers were gone and Sam was occupied, and then pulled out the offending device.

One New Text Message lit up the face of the phone.

Sookie sighed, resigned. It could be something important, after all.

"O ura dirty icky tasty boy. Idk where u came from, but Ive gotta get mooooore of dat ASaP. Spnk me soon? Urs4lyfe- Sandy"

Sookie felt the bile rise up as she read the newest entry into her unwitting device of pornography, stuffing it quickly back in her pocket. It seemed this must be a young one, she reckoned, as she obviously did not have a clear grasp on proper grammar and the English language in general.

It had been six months since Sookie had finally caved in and bought the cell phone her friends had been annoying her to get for years. And it had been six months of heavy breathing, naughty texts, and strange females calling on a daily basis. It was racking up her phone bill and frankly, it was on her last nerve.

"Sam," Sookie called to her handsome boss, who was behind the bar counting up the night's take. He raised a finger to her as her finished with the singles and quickly jotted down the number so he wouldn't forget.

"You done, 'chere?" Sam was a bit sweet on Sookie, and he'd watched her out of the corner of his eye all night as she moved gracefully from table to table, taking care of his regulars. Her usually tense grin seemed even tighter lately.

Sookie tightened her ponytail, uncomfortable with Sam's speculative gaze. "All through here. You mind if I head on out for the night? Gran has some gardening she asked me to help her with bright and early tomorrow, and you know how demanding she can be!"

Sam chuckled, "Yup. She's a right dictator, that one. No problem, Sook. You work tomorrow, don't cha?" Sam knew damn well Sookie worked tomorrow, he just wanted to keep her talking just a few minutes longer.

"Sure do," she replied. "I'll be in at 4." Sookie hesitated. She had a feeling that Sam was interested in more than just her schedule, but she had an unbreakable rule; you neither date the boss nor do you listen in on the bosses' thoughts. Never. No matter how good he looked in those tight fitting jeans… "Well… okay then Sam. I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow."

A frustrated Sam ran his fingers through his unruly hair as Sookie headed for the door.

As surely one of the only remaining twenty-four year old virgins left in the great state of Louisiana, Sookie spent a lot of time thinking about sex. Unfortunately, a lot of those thoughts didn't come from her own mind, and a lot of those thoughts were just plain sick. As a telepath with poor shielding abilities, Sookie couldn't control the constant influx of information from, well, from what seemed like everybody else in Bon Temps.

A buzzing interrupted her thoughts as she parked behind her house off of Hummingbird Lane. She grimaced as she peered through the darkness at the old farmhouse, looking for signs that her grandmother had waited up for her. The porch light was on, as was the kitchen light, which was always left on when Sookie worked late. Gran must have gone to bed, Sookie thought as she glared at her phone. I hate you. I hate you so very much. If looks could kill, her phone would be a pile of smoke and ash months ago.

*Six months ago*

Sookie and Tara sat on towels in Sookie's backyard, catching some of the last summer rays the sun had to offer. Sookie had perfected her golden glow, and was enjoying the contrast if not the fit of her trusty white bikini to her end of summer tan, while Tara sat beside her, setting up Sookie's monumental purchase.

"Oookay," Tara muttered to herself as she punched in some buttons and synced Sookie's email account to her new phone. "I think that should do it," she smirked, handing the raspberry android cell phone to Sookie. "Welcome to the 21st century, Pebbles."

"Flintstones, right, I see how it is, Tara. Turnabout is fair play," Sookie arched one eyebrow at her friend from behind matching white sunglasses. She laughed at herself and then said, "Seriously though, Tara. I have no clue what to do with this thing! And where is the keypad?" She looked at the phone sideways. "Does it open up somehow?" Sookie started fiddling with the phone, seriously considering returning it when Tara took it back from her.

"Hun," Tara breathed, "Please don't break it the first day. I can teach you how to use it and," Tara was cut off by a snazzy jingle. "Did you already give your number out, Sook?"

"You think I actually know my number already, Tara?"

"Hmm, it's probably just the phone company welcoming you to the modern ages," Tara joked, showing Sookie how to retrieve the message.

"Oh. My. Goodness!" Sookie stated as Tara yelled, "Shut the fuck up!"

Tara snatched the phone and started reading out loud.

"Does your horsey-worsey want to take me for a wide again? I want to snuggle-wuggle with your weenie-weenie (tho soooO_o not teenie-weeny weeniekins!) alla da days n nites! Call me. Nan"

The girls collapsed into laughter as Tara gave an encore performance, in character. "Holy wrong number, Batman," Tara said. "I've gotta respond to this."

"Yo. Little Bo Peep. You got the wrong number. Try talking like a grown-ass woman next time. Maybe then you'll get a second date."

Almost as soon as the message went out, then response came back.

"Um. So, so, embarrassed. This was the number I got. Won't happen again. "

Sadly, that was just the beginning. At first it was funny, and Sookie tried to respond politely to the filthy messages. As the days passed and the messages became more and more pornographic, Sookie started to lose her temper. Partially because these ladies were all hos, and partly because it seemed there was some lothario out there, some king of the sexual miscreants who had no respect for women and no ability to give out his correct information. Sookie was floored that so many women would sleep with the same man- and she knew it wasn't the same person calling each night, because all the calls came from different phone numbers.

Part of her wondered if there was a whole gang of sexually deviant men who got together and decided that the phone number they would give to their conquests collectively would be that of Sookie Stackhouse. Just for the hell of it.

Another part of her wondered if maybe the women all thought that her phone number belonged to Jason. After one bold hoochie actually called, moaning and groaning her arousal out on the phone before Sookie could even utter a hello, Sookie braced herself and yelled out, cutting through the din, "AreyoucallingtospeakwithJason?"

The hoochie paused in her vocalized yearnings, startled, and responded, "Soo. You're a girl… Not who I was expecting… Ahh," Sookie imagined her shaking her head to clear the brain fog, "Who is Jason?"

"Son of a bitch," Sookie muttered and hung up, blushing to the roots of her hair.

*Current*

Sookie grumbled and stared at the newest text.

"Successful merger last night. I stand corrected- the sword is mightier than the pen. Your sword is very, very mighty. Hope my vintage met your exceedingly high standards. A+ night. Clove"

Well, at least this ho seemed slightly intelligent. Good for the mystery swordsman. He sure did know how to pick 'em. Sookie leaned back against the headrest and groaned. Is this what my life's become, she wondered. Am I destined to be tortured by someone else's adventures while I do what? Sleep, wait tables, and then go home, only to do it all over again?

Tomorrow, I start living, she decided. Well, after I garden with Gran. Sookie sighed, putting the offending phone on silent and heading into the house to get ready for bed.

Sookie had accidentally left her phone on the charger all day, and frankly her frazzled nerves were glad for it. Her steps were lighter and her shields were stronger without the constant influx of lewd platitudes. The bar was busy and the tips were good, and for the first time in six months, Sookie felt like she could relax a little.

All that changed when she arrived home at around 9:30 to a stack of mail her Gran had left for Sookie in the kitchen table. Sookie had poured herself a glass of milk as she sat down to look through the pile.

"Son of a bitch!" Sookie cried out, forgetting she was poised to swallow, spitting out a mouthful of milk at the same time. She grabbed a towel with one hand to wipe up the table and her face while she stared in horror at her latest phone bill. "150.00?" Sookie whispered to herself, remembering that her Gran was asleep. "How the heck am I supposed to pay for that?" As it was, the only people Sookie ever called were Sam, Tara, Jason, and Gran. And, honestly, that was only on the rarest of occasions. As she stared at the detailed bill, she found herself growing more and more furious.

Sookie stomped to her room, snatching her phone off the charger. "Seven missed calls? Thirteen new text messages! Oh, no mister. You are not getting away with this, this horseshit anymore!"

Sookie put the phone on speaker and played all the disgusting messages, one by one, copying down the phone numbers.

"…And then I will take your big toe, and suck on it until you can barely speak, before I crawl down on all fours…" That was Tina. 555-546-9099.

"I've never in my life had a man who could make be bend in that way… I will never walk the same again…" Debbie 555-865-8585

"Bite me daddy. Yeah, big papa, I can't wait until you taste me all over again." Um, weird. Fetish, much? Isabelle, 555-343-2214

The messages went on, and I dutifully took the information from the callers. "This shit ain't gonna fly anymore, lover boy," Sookie assured herself as she started to return the calls.

It took three calls to a sex-kitten, a super bitch, and then finally to one person who seemed nearly human before Sookie was able to gather enough information to point her in the right direction. Unfortunately that direction was Shreveport.

What do you think? Should I continue? This was supposed to be a one shot, but I'm thinking it's more of a twoey. ;)