Caligula

Ahmose Inarus

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

This is my entry for the Dog Days of Summer Challenge on Chit Chat on Author's Corner Forum

Charater: Spencer Reid

Pet Name: Caligula

Assigned Pet: Poodle

Requirement: Must be from the point of view of the pet.

My name is Matisse. I am approximately fourteen pounds of handsome maleness. I have dark, luxurious curls, Mom, who waits on me hand and foot, and a harem of three gorgeous girls. One is black, like me, one is white, and the other is gray. And best of all… early in the morning when I'm ready for some exercise and fun, I have the Screaming Thing down the street.

The Screaming Thing's name is Spencer, I think. Sometimes, it's Reid. Sometimes I hear them putting the names together to call him Spencer Reid. Like when I dig up the tulips. Then Mom calls me "Mr. Henri Matisse, you know better!"

Now the screaming thing… he calls me Caligula. The Man who is usually with him asked him why, once. The Screaming Thing said that it was because I'm always in the yard humping my girls, humping the mailman's leg, humping The Man's leg, or trying to mutilate him. Like some emperor. I don't know what he's talking about, but if this Emperor Caligula had sex all the time and a Screaming Thing all his own to chase, then I suppose that Caligula would be a fitting name for me.

Ah… Mom is waking up. That means it's time for my morning exercise and fun… it's always the luck of the draw… will it be a tumble in the flower bed with one of my girls, chase the paper boy, or would I get lucky? The bedroom door opened and I make a beeline (whatever that is, bees don't fly straight!) for the back door. My warm up is jumping through the doggy door. Hup! There we go! It's a nice morning. Sun hasn't quite risen yet, the grass is crisp and crunchy with frost… I squeeze under the fence and run into the front yard.

Ah… my blood is pumping… and now comes the waiting game…

It's only about eight minutes when I hear it…

Tup! Tup! Tup! Tup!

Sneakers on the street.

Mmmm… sneakers…

I lift my head as the breeze blows over me. I smell him first, through the fog. Coffee… a whiff of shampoo… his own personal scent, and the scent of The Man, as well… He always smells like The Man. I run to the bushes and creep up to the edge of the road, and wait.

And there he is. The Screaming Thing.

Wait… wait… wait…

CHARGE!

"YAP YAP! YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!"

"AAAUUGH! NO! NO! GET OFF! GET OFF! DAMMIT! GET OFF ME, CALIGULA!"

HAH! And that's why he's called The Screaming Thing. And he has the BEST socks!

"NO! LET GO!"

I hold on tight to the cuff of his pants, growling and shaking my head. No WAY is he gonna get away this time. I WILL have his shoes!

"GET OFF! DAMN DOG! CALIGULA, LET GO!"

"YIPE!"

I tumble back, having lost my grip. The Screaming Thing is running.

Oh no you don't… your shoes are MINE!

"YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!"

"AAAHHH!"

His legs are long, and he's fast! But not fast enough!

VICTORY WILL BE MINE!

HAH!

"AAACK!"

There's a large THUD as he trips on me and the curb and hits the grass.

That hot little Yorkie is barking encouragement to me through the window of her Mom's house…

I get his shoelace and tug. I WILL get that shoe off!

"Get OFF Caligula!

Oh no… I don't think so, Screaming Thing. You will rue the day you ever ran past MY house! When I'm done, you will fear the name Henri Matisse more than you ever feared the name Caligula…

I am Henri Matisse! Hear me roar!

Or bark. Hear me bark.

"Get OFF you little rat!"

Rat? Oh, it's on now… You do NOT insult me! Not this handsome dog, neighborhood stud!

Ha manages to get to his feet, but I'm not giving up yet!

That hot little Yorkie in the house is still cheering me on.

The Screaming Thing runs… I chase… I am NOT letting him go! Not yet! I gain on him. He's doing thing funny little mincing step, half running backwards as he tries to watch where I am. Then, he veers off course.

Startled, I skid and tumble, but I'm after him in a flash. The Screaming Thing shall not prevail!

HAH! The fool! He's cornered himself! But wait… what? No… No! NO!

I can only watch as my quarry jumps the fence that comes to his hip, but towers over my well-groomed head. He stumbles and falls back on his tail-less bottom, and stares at me through the gaps in the fence. All I can do is bark, furious.

"One of these days, Caligula…" He pants, then gets to his feet, turns and jogs away. I stop my yapping and watch him go.

Oh yes… One of these days indeed. But not today. Now it's time for breakfast.

But I swear, one of these days the Screaming Thing WILL go down…

And I will taste victory… I will taste his shoes.

Oh yes, I shall…

One day…

Fare thee well, Screaming Thing.

Until we meet again…

END

XD OMG, I had SO much fun writing this! I may have to put this dog in the Let Me In Series!

Tonnie and Ilovetvalot... You two freakin' ROCK!

PLEASE REVIEW!