I do not own any of J.K. Rowling's original characters, naturally, but I will use their likenesses for my story-writing purposes because I must keep myself amused. Thank you, dear, for humoring us Anglophiles.

Based very loosely on the episode of Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia, "Mac is a Serial Killer".

Harry Potter is a Serial Killer

"It is said that the Strangler is possibly of muggle descent or upbringing, indicated by the violent, hands-on method of killing. He has killed two men to date and there doesn't appear to be any association between the two victims other than age and gender. Criminal psychologists suspect, based on the Strangler's tendencies and patterns, that he is a homosexual. Any information that can assist the Ministry in locating and apprehending the culprit is appreciated", Ron read aloud solemnly from the front page of the Prophet. He and Hermione sat across from one another in the Leaky Cauldron, evaluating the unusual story.

"This is unbelievable", Hermione said shaking her head in disbelief. "The Wizarding World is remarkably safe in comparison to the Muggle world. It always fascinated me that a society of people, armed at all times, can coexist in harmony. I've only been made aware of a few wizards in recent history who killed without any desire to make themselves known or get any glory out of it, and the fact that the victims are right around our age might mean that the Strangler is a peer."

"But who do we know who's gay?"

Hermione looked at him and cocked an eyebrow.

"Okay, other than Harry. Don't look at me like that, Hermione, he just told us recently. Don't get snippy if I forget. It couldn't be Harry, anyway, so who else do we know who's gay?"

At that moment, the door of the pub swung forcefully open and Harry entered, walking hurriedly towards the table his friends shared. A deep red cloak swept lightly around his frame, making his flush even more pronounced.

"I'm glad you're still here. I'm sorry I'm late." He offered no explanation as to his tardiness and instead signaled Tom the bartender with a flippant wave of the hand. "What have I missed?"

"Reading about the Strangler again", Ron passed the newspaper over to him and gestured towards the article. "They're interviewing a bunch of shrinks to try and get clues to who he is."

Before Harry could respond, Tom appeared at his side, smiling toothlessly.

"Heya, Mr. Potter. What can I get for you tonight?"

"Let's drink something a bit stronger, yeah?"

"Coming right up. Refills?"

Ron handed over his empty Butterbeer and thanked Tom with a nod.

"Something stronger, eh? Moving into your new place not going so well?"

"It's just a mess right now. Nothing to worry about." As he spoke, his foot was tapping repeatedly against the floor. He looked off into the distance, anxious.

Ron resumed his musings on the Strangler. "D'you think it could be a woman? They never really said why they thought it was a man."

Hermione reached across the table and pointed to a part further down in the article. "Well, they claim he sodomized the victims post-mortem, so I doubt it's a woman. They would know if it was a foreign object from the diagnostic spells. I'm inclined to agree with the authorities: it's probably a man. We can't know for sure, though."

Harry looked into the distance, his face completely expressionless. Wherever he was, it was far away. Hermione turned to watch him curiously.

At that moment Tom arrived with a frosty new Butterbeer and a firewhiskey on ice. He set them down in front of their respective owners and wiped his hands on the dirty washrag he kept in his half-apron. They all thanked him reflexively.

Once Tom drifted away to another table, Hermione voiced her thoughts.

"Is something bothering you, Harry?"

Harry snapped out of his stupor and jerked his head back towards Hermione. "No, I'm just out of sorts, today. I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me." Tap, tap, tap.

"Are you nervous or something, mate? I don't think I've ever seen you tap your foot like that. It's kind of annoying."

Harry didn't answer, just crossed his arms and stared at his sweating glass.

"What did you do last night?" Hermione asked innocently, trying to change the subject.

"Jeez, what is this, an intervention?" Harry exclaimed unexpectedly and snatched his drink off the table, nearly spilling it on himself in his haste. He downed half of it and slammed it back onto the table noisily. Hermione and Ron stared, aghast.

"I'm sorry, Harry, I didn't mean-"

Harry sighed, resigned. "It's alright. I didn't mean to snap at you. It's been one of those days."

Ron and Hermione exchanged worried glances, but ultimately shrugged it off.

"So have you heard back about that apprenticeship? Last time we talked you were hyped about it."

Harry seemed to be forcing his tensed shoulders down. "He hasn't quite owled me yet, but I still feel pretty sure he wants me to work in the bookstore. I just need to do something relaxing to occupy my mind after the war. Nothing too complicated." He pushed a hand through his hair, pushing it out of his face.

"Sweet Merlin, mate! What are those marks on your neck?"

Harry's hand automatically went to his neck and he felt around for the offending blemish.

"He's right, Harry, they look like scratches. They're quite red-how did that happen?"

Harry grasped his neck even tighter and stood from his seat like there was a flame under his arse.

"Y-you don't-it's nothing, I j-just...you don't understand!"

Harry cast a quick tempus, looked back at them just long enough to force an angry "see you later" before making a beeline for the door, his cloak lifting off the dusty floor with the speed of his exit.

After a solid minute of stunned silence, Ron and Hermione shared a look, hardly believing what happened.

"Absolutely bonkers, that one", Ron said finally.

"I wonder what's gotten into him. I've never seen him act that...sketchy."

Tom reappeared to take Harry's half empty glass.

"How's everything?"

"Just fine, thank you" Hermione responded.

Tom gestured at the open newspaper on the table. "You guys keeping up with the Strangler, then?"

The couple turned slowly to look at each other, a single thought forming between both of their brains.

Harry apparated home, landing breathlessly at the front door of his flat. He glanced over his shoulder at what should have been the red door to unit 3, but his eyes couldn't adjust to the darkness. Instead, his eyes focused on a pair of perfectly shined oxfords peeking out from underneath the formidable black shadow covering the door and its surroundings. The owner of the shoes stepped smoothly out of the shadows and smiled mischievously. He never slowed his progress toward Harry, but rather kept his pace until the two men were inches apart. Grabbing Harry roughly by the shoulders, the blonde closed the distance with a passionate kiss, silencing any potential protests from Harry.

Harry allowed his tired eyes to slide closed and accepted the gesture with ease. He snaked his hands around the man's slender waist and locked his rough fingers, forcing him closer. Then he felt his back make contact with the door and the blonde's hands left his shoulders to rest upon the door on either side of Harry's head, trapping him.

"Evening, pet."

"Indeed, it is", Harry smiled cheekily. "I didn't know you were coming over tonight." He turned slightly to let himself in the door. It gave way and he stood back to allow his guest to cross the threshold.

"Not disappointed, are we?" Draco teased, pouting his bottom lip but letting himself step gracefully into the sitting room.

"Never."

"Good. I just felt like surprising you today." Draco smiled.

"It's brilliant to see you, actually. I've had an awful day and I have every intention of sitting on my fat arse with a drink and a fire in the grate. Any objections?" He pushed the door shut behind himself and dropped one shoulder, sliding an arm out of his cloak.

"Well, you left one part out."

Before Harry had even managed to free his other arm from the heavy cloak, Draco was upon him once again, pressing his lithe body against Harry's and running his fingers through his hair. Harry smiled and found Draco's lips with his own, forcing them slightly open. Draco groaned and tightened his hold on Harry's already messy hair. He pushed into Harry's mouth and seemed to explore it with his tongue. Harry reached up and lay rough hands on the handsome blonde's cheeks. As though in appreciation for the intimate gesture, Draco ran long, slender fingers up the back of Harry's sweater.

Harry gasped a little at the cold hands, but they warmed quickly against Harry's unusually warm skin. He'd always been that way. He seemed to be his own independent heat source, but he didn't know how much so until he'd started seeing Draco romantically. Draco couldn't keep any body heat when he slept, so he curled up next to Harry as though he were his only lifeline. He was always embarrassed when he woke up wrapped around Harry in what he thought was an undignified way. Harry loved it. Waking up next to someone was an entirely new experience for him, much less with Draco Malfoy, but ever since they started dating Harry wondered how he'd never thought about the Slytherin that way in school. True, he'd been an insufferable git, but they worked well together somehow.

Draco's hands continued their slow procession up Harry's back and came to rest on his shoulders, earning a shudder from the Gryffindor. Encouraged, Draco ran his fingers roughly from Harry's shoulder to the curve of his back and up again.

"Oooooh-ah-ah-Dr-Draco", Harry whined. Draco stilled his hands and looked up into bright, green eyes.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought-"

"No, no, no, love, I like it. I actually prefer for you to be quite rough-it really, really turns me on."

"What was that look for, then?"

"Well...you are awfully strong and Ron and Hermione have been noticing the scratches and how secretive I'm being and-"

"I told you, Harry, you are the single worst liar who ever lived. Telling them we're dating won't scare me off or anything, so you might as well get it over with."

"B-but you seemed so against it before", Harry stuttered excitedly.

"True, but that was when we first started seeing each other and I didn't want them hating me if it didn't work out. You never know how things are going to go..."

Harry smiled. He'd been scared, too. He hadn't dated in school or really afterwards, so he didn't have much of a buffer between 'single' and 'dating Draco Malfoy'. He was just as surprised as Draco was that this had worked so well for this long. Draco was actually a lot of fun. He supposed he just liked the challenge. That, and the fact that Draco was a sex god. Harry didn't know how much he enjoyed roughness in bed until Draco showed him the best night of his life. The first night they spent together, Draco had asked Harry to tie him up and essentially have his way with him.

"So you're saying I can tell them now?"

"If that's what you would like to do, then yes."

Harry leaned in and kissed him tenderly, trying to convey his happiness without words. Draco seemed to understand and returned it sweetly. They stood like that in the entryway for a moment, absorbed in bliss.

Unexpectedly, Harry leaned back out of Draco's reach and pushed him down on the couch. Draco landed, sprawled over the haphazardly placed cushions, and laughed lightheartedly.

"Oh, so you can be rough with me, but I can't be rough with you?" He smirked and crooked one beckoning finger in Harry's direction.

Harry grinned like a madman and jumped on the couch Draco's eyes widened in fear but Harry landed, neatly and gently, astride him and growled his best 'I own you' growl. Draco chuckled and licked the tip of Harry's nose playfully.

Suddenly, the door to Harry's flat-which happened to be less than six feet away from the couch-broke off its hinges and landed well into the sitting room with a deafening crash. Draco and Harry both jumped in fright and collided in the middle, Draco's forehead meeting Harry's jaw. They moaned in agony, but quickly remembered the source of their fear and directed their attention toward the now open doorway.

"HARRY! WHERE ARE YOU!"

A very red-faced Ron Weasley ran into the small flat, sweating profusely and brandishing his wand madly in front of him, followed closely by Hermione. She looked entirely harassed, her hair sticking out senselessly as though she'd been recently electrocuted. Her eyes were wild as they landed on Harry. Harry paled.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU-"

HARRY!" Hermione screamed like a banshee and withdrew her wand hurriedly from her sleeve. "DON'T DO IT!" He aimed her wand, which was shaking along with her hand, right between Harry's saucer-like eyes.

Ron seemed to notice that the trouble he sought was right in front of him and followed suit, pointing his wand unapologetically at Harry's face.

"YOU'VE GOT TO STOP THIS, HARRY!"

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU POINTING YOUR FUCKING WANDS AT ME? YOU'RE-"

Ron, letting his wand drop to the floor, jumped over to the couch and grabbed Harry, one hand on his belt and one fisting his shirt. Before anyone could blink, Ron had fully lifted Harry off of Draco and thrown him across the room. A flailing Harry, yelling as his body soared over the coffee table, crash-landed into the opposite wall and slumped heavily to the floor. Without pausing to take a breath, Ron snatched his wand off the floor and pointed it at Harry.

"Petrificus Totalus!"

Harry went still, but his eyes still roamed wildly from person to person. Hermione gasped but did nothing to remove the curse.

Draco hadn't moved an inch and still lay back on the couch. His mouth was open in horror and he stared at Harry's limp body.

Hermione and Ron, after evaluating the now detained Harry, turned to look at Harry's victim. They both froze.

"M-M-Malfoy?"

"Oh, Gods, it is Malfoy! Thank goodness we got here when we did!" Hermione fell to her knees in front of him.

Ron's expression now matched Draco's.

"H-have you two completely gone off the deep end?" Draco finally stammered.

"Wh-hunh?" Ron was totally lost now.

Draco took a deep breath and set his jaw, adopting a look the devil would envy.

"What I mean to say, you absolute fool, is that if you do not put him right and apologize this very fucking instant I will not hesitate to crush you into a fine paste. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

Ron started to argue, but Hermione caught his arm.

"Ron, stop it. He could be traumatized, you know. We don't really know how far along in the attack-"

"Excuse me, what? The attack? Who was attacking who? PUT HIM RIGHT!"

There was a very long, pregnant pause.

"Do you have flobberworms in your ears? I said, FIX HIM!"

Ron still seemed very confused, but Hermione caught on. She pointed her wand toward Harry and reversed the curse. She watched, alert, as he untangled himself and lay flat on the floor, breathing uneven and strangled.

"...okay...someone...has got to tell me...what the hell is going on...", Harry panted from his splayed position.

No one seemed willing to say anything except an irate Draco.

"Well, Harry, it would seem that your friends think they stopped an attack in progress. Let's start there."

Hermione and Ron were quiet.

"Why would you think I was attacking anyone?"

Silence.

"Hello?"

Hermione cleared her throat and spoke to a nearby lamp as though it were Harry. "You were acting so strangely and you had all those bruises and marks, I just thought-"

"Thought you'd jump to conclusions?" Harry finished for her.

Draco's patience was clearly gone. "What exactly did you think you would find upon entering this room tonight?" he said through tightly gritted teeth.

Hermione stood up and wrung her small hands together frantically. "We, er, well we read the paper every day, you know, and there's all these stories about the Strangler and-"

"Hermione, you thought I was the fucking Strangler? You've got to be kidding! I've saved your life before!"

She hung her head in shame. Ron narrowed his eyes and looked between Harry and Draco. "So...you aren't killing people?"

Without thinking, Harry blurted "Of course not, I was just hooking up with Draco and didn't want everyone in the bloody world to know about it!" It took him a few beats to realize his mistake. Draco threw his hands in the air and stalked off to the adjoining kitchen, violently throwing open the liquor cabinet and pulling an empty glass across the counter to himself.

Hermione just looked relieved and embarrassed. Ron was slower on the uptake.

"Wait...you're banging Malfoy?"

Draco tossed the glass over his shoulder and pressed the bottle to his lips, tipping it back.

*****FIN*****