Here I am waking up next to you, last night a blur of alcohol, limbs, grunts, thrusts and lies. We pretend that this relationship is normal but it's not. There are all kind of relationships but fucking like animals and ignoring each other the next day isn't a relationship it's more a routine, our routine that we didn't know and didn't want to break. We agreed to this, we both liked doing it like this we never complained never wanted anything else, there was no other and also nothing more. This was our thing, calling each other up when we needed it, relive stress, let out anger, simply didn't have anything to do or we were horny.
Isn't it funny how we fucked for everything but the most unused excuse being horny? Well there probably wasn't time to be horny when we used all the other excuses. How many times would you pull my hair to get out your anger for something someone else did? I wasn't better I always called you up when I was lonely when I was afraid of my life, how blissful it was to forget the fact that my life wasn't going anywhere, while mercilessly riding you. You would think I had romantic feelings for calling you up when lonely but the truth was far from it, you were a distraction, a pill to forget it all, a numb feeling when everything else ached, too bad you only lasted so long. The next day when I got to my apartment I already remembered why I left it but there was no time to ponder upon it I was already late for work.
So here I lie next to you thinking about…us? Of all the things, I never thought I would have to think about us. We were 'together' because we didn't have to think about it. It was simple, carefree and always available when needed. But like all things it can't last forever. Things evolve or fall, go a step further in evolution or get extinct because of being incapable of change. Yes I know we said we won't change but the thing is this not changing can only last till we actually want it like that. In relationship like ours people start whishing for something more than sex or get bored and want someone new.
Well I was the first kind, I don't know why I wanted more than mindless sex but the even sadder part was I didn't want you. Usually people developed this want for more, for love, for living together happily ever after with the person they see so often and do things together but not me. I wanted love, wanted stability, wanted my happy ever after but not with you. You were incapable of change, or better said you didn't want change. This life suited you perfectly why change it to something you didn't know.
I should have developed love for you, that should have been the routine in love stories well actually in life, bad drama life is, but I didn't the only feeling I developed was sadness because of being incapable to develop love. I don't know if I was sad for you or for me maybe both, I just know this will have a horrible ending the longer we postpone it. But I couldn't break the chain of routine. I should have waited for you to wake up, say I'm unhappy and wanted an end but I didn't. I left before you woke up went back to my apartment and wondered when you would call or will it be me calling you and would I lie there next to you afterwards thinking the same thing as I did before. Well maybe I will change my mind between the time someone calls the other and decide that I still want this and don't need change don't need to evolve don't need love. Maybe I would never need any of those things or at least for 10 years of 5 but I had the sinking feeling that maybe a year and I will think about his again but the feeling sinks lover maybe 8months, sinks lower, maybe 5 months, sinks lower maybe 3 months, then I get to the bottom, I will probably think about it the next time I'm lying next to you and don't know if to wait for you to wake up or leave before that.
I called you.
I had an epically big fight with my friend. It started harmlessly with a question of how I was doing, continued to what I'm doing in my love life then what I'm doing with my life. Somehow we landed on the uneven grounds of me accidentally saying too much and then I don't know haw we got to this but we were shouting about everything how every step I made every decision simply everything was wrong how unhealthy my relationship was how incapable and nowhere leading my life was and who knows what more. I couldn't make out half of the things shouted in the mess of noise.
It was true. That's why I was so angry and shouted back, everything was true and I couldn't face it. Yes I thought about it a lot, but that was all in my head it is completely different when it was staring you in the face from a friend, said out loud.
With all that happening you would think I would do something about it but I didn't. I called you. You were the reason the fight started the reason I was upset and what did I do? I ran to you for a 'forget things happened' fuck. I did forget for those glorious thrusts and sleep afterwards, but here I am again I woke up and remembered all that happened.
I'm at the start again. Thinking how we pretend this relationship is normal when it's not. But today it's different. It wasn't only me thinking those things it was also my friend's voice, that made the difference. I couldn't pretend they were only my thoughts and other people don't see it that way. I thought of waiting for you, thought of leaving, though and thought. At the end I left you a note of saying how I needed something more I mentioned that I don't really know what I needed and that it's over.
I tough I gave you a loophole that you could use to come after me convince me that we could be something more. But it seemed you didn't get it or you did but didn't know what to do or you simply didn't care enough. Don't get me wrong I'm not sad about it I just had this need to make something out of this relationship that couldn't be. So we both moved on it seemed, well how could you move on when you were never in it? Yes well that was how it worked for us, no bandings nothing in it. If you don't put anything in it there can't be anything out of it. There was no drama after the end, which was the disaster the whole thing seemed so worthless because there was no fight for it. So that was the end of us and the start of me looking for love or me looking for what I tough was love and people I thought I loved.
Sometimes, after another one of my relationships goes wrong, I wonder if it would have been batter staying with you. I wonder and think what if… but the thing is if I was still with you I would lie there next to you thinking how we pretend that this relationship is normal but it's not.
HEY
So yeah not so long ago our internet connection went down the drain. I sat there at my computer, waiting for the guy to come and fix it, not knowing what to do with my time. I wanted to write a story that I written down on paper while being at the sea but I started to listen to Placebo and my favorite Every you every me (And because I had no clue what to name this story that will also be the title) song came on and this weird gray mood came upon me and I just started to write the things that came to mind and so this story came to be. I like it very much so I decided to post it. I even have something of a continuing chapter but hmm I don't know, it's not as good as this one but its not finished jet.
Well enough of me babbling tell me what you think :D