Once upon a time...

There lived a vain queen named Queen Brigid. Brigid cared for no one but herself, not even for her beautiful stepdaughter, Nudge Ride. If anything, Queen Brigid was jealous of Nudge Ride- everyone loved her because she was not only pretty, but also kind, generous, and friendly.

But it never became a problem until the day that Brigid stood before her mirror and chanted "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

"You know that's just a regular mirror, right?" called a voice from behind her. The queen whirled around angrily to see Maya, a servant and hunter, standing in the doorway with her arms crossed. "Besides," she continued, "even if that mirror was magical, it wouldn't be fawning over you. Everyone knows that Nudge Ride is the beauty of the kingdom."

"How dare you say that?" Brigid screeched. It was a good thing that the mirror wasn't magic after all, because her impossibly high-pitched voice caused it to shatter.

Maya shrugged, twirling the magenta lock of her hair around her finger. "Everyone says it. People just can't get enough of that chick; at least, until she starts talking..."

Brigid's eyes widened. "So the little princess thinks she can steal my place? HA! Maya, I order you to murder her."

Maya raised an eyebrow. "That seems a bit drastic. Couldn't we just feed her a lot of junk food and wait for her to fatten up?"

"No, that would take too long!"

"Well can't we at least just give her some sort of terrible scar on her face?"

"Just do as I say!" Brigid cried before storming out of the room.

Maya sighed and called for Nudge Ride. "Nudge Ride," she said, "your favorite flowers are in bloom in the darkest part of the forest."

"Ooh, the part where no one can hear you scream?"

"That's the one."

"Oh, yay! I just love flowers, don't you? They're so pretty and colorful; they're like the only thing in the world that doesn't have a dark side. Actually, they do attract bees... and there is that expression 'Every rose has it's thorn' so..."

She continued on like this all the way to the middle of the forest, until Maya was almost eager to put her six feet under.

They reached a small clearing far, far away from civilization. "I don't see any flowers..." Nudge Ride said, but the rest of her imminent rant was cut off by her own scream, for Maya had just pulled out a knife and was fast approaching with it.

Nudge Ride thought that she was done for, but just as she started to see her life flash before her eyes, Maya dropped the knife.

"Oh, I can't kill you!"

"Because I'm too beautiful and sweet and innocent?" Nudge Ride asked, touched.

"No, no, because I need to teach that old hag of a queen a lesson. I ain't her bitch. Anyway, good luck." Maya left the forest without looking back.

After the initial relief of not being murdered passed, a problem presented itself. The forest was scary. And, since she'd been so busy talking to Maya about flowers on her way in, Nudge Ride was lost.

She ran and ran and ran, trying to find a way out, or at least somewhere to stay the night. She called for help and looked for the North Star and checked which side of the rock the moss grew on, all to no avail. When it seemed that she was destined to live her whole life amongst these trees, she finally say a small cottage in the shape of an E on it's side.

"Hello?" she called. "Excuse me, but I'm quite out of my way and I was wondering if I might come in. See, I was almost just murdered, but then the hunter decided to let me live, but she didn't tell me the way out, so I was just hoping-"

"OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP!" someone roared from inside.

The door swung open. Standing there was a dwarf, a dwarf with curly blonde hair and big blue eyes. She studied Nudge Ride skeptically, then smiled. "Don't worry guys, it's cool," she called behind her. "She just wants a place to stay."

Six other dwarfs appeared around her. "Come in, come in, let me introduce you to everyone," the blonde one continued. "This," she said, pointing to one that looked slightly hairy, "is Bitey."

"Why do you call him that?"

"Oh, he's been known to transform into a wolf and kill people. All in good fun though. And this," she indicated one with brown hair streaked with blonde and brown eyes, "is Crazy." She leaned in and whispered to Nudge Ride, "She hears voices in her head. Not good. But this here is Gassy."

"Do I want to know?"

"Nope." The next guy she pointed to had strawberry blonde hair and seemed to be blind. "This is Sparky."

"Because?"

"Oh, just a name, really. By the way, if you have any valuables that are the least bit flammable, I suggest burying them."

"Alright... How 'bout you?" Nudge Ride asked a dark-looking dwarf. He didn't answer her.

"That's Mutey. Watch this: Hey, Mutey, what do you think of the new girl?"

He nodded solemnly.

The next girl jumped forward to meet Nudge Ride. "That's Bubbly. She doesn't have much character, but she seems like a generally happy person. She's Crazy's half-sister."

"And you?"

"Oh, my name's Creepy."

"You don't seem that creepy to me."

"Oh, I'm not. It's just a joke." Suddenly, the girl's voice dropped to a low, scary rasp. "Destroy all life forms. Take over world."

"... Alright then."

Needless to say, all the dwarfs soon fell in love with Nudge Ride because of her beauty, charm, and sweet disposition. She ended up staying with them for months as they began to accept her as one of their own, and eventually dubbed her 'Chatty'. They became like family and, except for one little incident involving Nudge Ride allowing hoards of animals to enter (and destroy) the house 'to clean', got along swimmingly.

This would be all well and good, but Maya had made no secret of the fact that she had defied Queen Brigid's orders, and said queen was now determined to eliminate her competition as fairest in the land.

She spiked an apple with poison and searched high and low for the girl. She found her one day, hanging some laundry to dry outside the cottage while the dwarfs were out. She used magic to disguise herself as an old hag before approaching. "Apple, my dear?"

Nudge Ride snorted. "Please. If you're going to try to roofie kids, you're at least supposed to do it with candy. I mean, really, an apple? Who do you think you're getting into your van with that health nut crap?"

Thankful for Nudge Ride's big mouth for once, Queen Brigid forced an apple into it, making her look like a pig at a luau. "How does that taste?" She asked triumphantly.

Nudge Ride chewed it a bit as she took it out of her mouth. "Actually, this seems legit. Sorry I doubted you."

"Wha- Oh! Oh, yes, but I'm sure this one would taste better," Brigid said, realizing that she had in fact given Nudge Ride the apple from her own lunch.

"Uh... okay." Upon her first bite, Nudge Ride keeled over and Queen Brigid laughed maniacally. She was still laughing when the flock of dwarfs came back.

"What have you done to Chatty?" Creepy cried.

"Killed her! And the only thing that could save her now is true love's first kiss!"

"But why? Why have you done this?" Sparky demanded.

"Because she was the only thing that stood in the way of my being the most beautiful woman alive!"

"Um, not to be rude, but..." Bubbly said, making Queen Brigid realize that she had never taken her disguise off.

She quickly transformed back to her regular body, especially because the dark, silent dwarf was the most handsome creature that she had ever laid eyes on. She didn't love him, of course, because that would require a functioning heart and soul, but he would make a nice trophy husband. "There! Now you see how beautiful I am!"

"Is it true?" Sparky asked eagerly. "Is she really hot now?"

And then for the first time in ages, possibly ever, Mutey spoke. "Not really. Crazy's still way prettier. In fact, I think she may have looked better as the hag."

This was all it took to finish Queen Brigid off. Hearing someone so attractive insult her appearance seemed to destroy her from the inside out. Her body appeared to be consumed by light, much like Tom Riddle's horcrux was.

Two days later, a random guy who claimed to be a prince came and kissed Nudge Ride on the lips, causing her to awake. Everyone rejoiced, the two promptly fell in love, and no one was remotely creeped out by the fact that a nameless stranger had just made out with a dead girl, because it was all in the name of love and a simple way to tie up the plot.

And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

A/N: Visit my poll and vote on which fairy tale you'd like to see next! I'll try to do all the big ones- the only one I can think of that's not on the list is The Lion King, because so far I don't have any ideas for it, but I'll try! Oh, same thing with Peter Pan and Pinocchio. And to be honest, I've never seen the whole Fox and the Hound or Lady and the Tramp, but I'll see if I can drum up a copy of each and get back to you ;)