A/N: I blame Dreaming-of-a-Nightmare for this. I really do. You see, I was at the store, minding my own business, when WHAM. I decided I needed brownies, because of her stupid story Brownie Batter (it's great; go read it). And then I stopped by the books and movies which had Star Trek which got me thinking, thus this story was born. SO I BLAME YOU.

Warnings: Slash, swearing, implied sexual assault/rape

Pairings: Spock/Kirk, Kirk/McCoy friendship.

Disclaimer: Star Trek originally belongs to good ol' Gene, the reboot!verse to Abrams, and the plot to yours truly.

It was an accident. Jim hadn't meant for it to happen, never in a million years. It wasn't his fault, either. But it had happened anyway. And when Jim returned to their quarters that night, it seemed like his life was going to hell.

It wasn't the loud, chaotic, oh-shit-what-a-mess kind of hell. No, it was the short, quiet, kind, the kind that if tangible, could kill you within seconds. Because that's how it was with Vulcans- They left you spinning so hard you'd have to travel to forever and back to wait for the dust to settle.

Opening the door, Spock looked up from his PADD with a smile for Jim on his face- Until Spock looked a little closer. Jim stood on the threshold as Spock's intense gaze passed over him (and God damn it, Jim could practically feel those eyes burning a whole into him), noticing each detail. Tousled hair, disheveled clothes, sides aching, body tired.

"Spock," Jim began, heart in his throat, partially because he knew it was too late. Spock frowned at him, all traces of a smile gone from his face.

"No," Spock replied curtly, in a tone only Vulcans could manage, face stormier by the minute. Jim could feel the tears pricking in the corners of his own eyes, but he forced them away. No one had or ever would see the Captain cry. No one would ever realize if something got to the Captain, especially not someone that Jim cared for as much as he did for Spock.

Because that was what Jim Kirk did- he stood like he couldn't fall, smiled like no one had ever hurt him, and made decisions like he'd never been wrong.

The next day, Jim's first thought was his- he hurt like hell. He slipped out of bed (noting how empty it felt with out Spock) and pitched forward as he felt a stab of pain in his side.

"Computer," Jim said gruffly, "Alpha shift members?"

"Commander and First Officer Spock, Lieutenant Uhura, Lieutenant Chekov, Lieutenant Sulu, Chief Engineer Scott, Chief Medical Officer Doctor McCoy, Head Nurse Chapel, and Captain James T. Kirk."

"Bloody hell," Jim muttered, "What is it, command crew day?" Stumbling his way over to the uniform replicator, he pressed a button and waited impatiently, grabbing at the golden shirt and black pants when they finally appeared.

Slipping on the pants, and then pulling on the shirt as he exited his quarters, Jim made his way to the bridge, his face grim. He was screaming inside as his heart twisted in pain. He couldn't make himself forget the memories, silently replaying from last night.

A small smile atop smooth blue skin as the diplomat made small talk. Careful to make sure Jim's glass wasn't empty at any point that evening. The reassuring eyes, telling him, no, lying to him. Telling him it would only hurt for little. Telling him he wanted, no, needed the Andorrian to control him.

"I can't do this, alrigh', I got a boyfriend," Jim had argued, his mind clouded, but still working, as he realized the Andorrian representative's intent. He pulled away, wobbling, as he made for the door, but the blue man grabbed his wrist.

"Hey," Jim said with a frown, but the grip was like iron. "Hey!" he snarled again, but the Andorrian just kept smiling. Before Jim could even call for help, the Andorrian flung himself at Jim, kissing, touching, fondling. Jim cried out and the other man tugged at Jim's clothes.

"Stop it!" Jim shouted angrily, pulling away. The Andorrian frowned before sighing.

"I had hoped this wouldn't have been required," he said, before pulling out a long wad of cloth, and tying around Jim's mouth. Pleas and shouts came out muffled, as the young captain's blue eyes widened in terror.

Jim coughed loudly, pushing away those thoughts. It was over, the diplomat was gone, he wouldn't ever have to think about the incident again. Jim relaxed a little when he arrived at the bridge, but it was misplaced comfort. On the bridge, Jim found himself on the receiving end of cold unwelcome. Spock sat stiffly in his chair sparing no glances to the Captain, as Jim would've expected. But everyone else...

Jim realized, Spock must have told him. Told them what? A snide voice remarked in the back of Jim's head. Told them you cheated on him? Told them you two are over? Yes, Jim thought, because it was true, Jim had no doubt that was exactly what Spock had told them. But none the less it hurt. It hurt to see Uhura glare a him every other minute. It hurt that Sulu no longer looked at Jim with respect. It hurt that Pavel couldn't even meet Jim's gaze.

"Sulu, report?" Jim said, tone just as stiff as his Captain's chair.

"Nothing out of the ordinary, sir. We should arrive on time." Jim nodded, before sinking into his chair, and wincing as his side collided painfully with the arm rest, right along a particularly nasty bruise. He whimpered unintentionally, it was loud on the other wise quiet bridge. Jim looked back and saw Uhura giving him a look, almost as if to say, You deserve that pain, and so much more.

That look was the straw that broke the camel's back. Jim stood up, muttering something along the lines of Bones, sick bay, and check in, as he made his way into the turbo lift, barely managing to stay composed under the watchful eyes of his crew. Stumbling into the white walled elevator, Jim quckly out a hand on one of the handles, and murmured sick bay before collapsing in a heap.

Pulling his knees to his chest, the tears came in streams, and the sobs wracked his chest, this was a very painful position given his bruised sides. Jim vaguely realized the turbo lift had stopped and the doors had hissed open, but he ignored it. There was nothing in the world, except him, his pain, and his heart break.

"Jim," Bones said as he turned around to see the Captain curled up tight in a ball, shaking. Everyone in Sick bay froze at the sound of the Captain's cries. Bones looke around and caught the eye of Nurse Chapel. With a swift nod to him, she shouted;

"Get back to work everyone, as you were." Walking over to the doctor she said, "What can I do?"

"Take care of the patients," Bones said before turning his full attention back to Jim. "Hey. What's wrong?" Jim shook his head and kept crying. Bones sighed and put an arm around Jim's shoulders, and Jim leaned into the touch.

"Shhh," Leonard whispered gently, "Let it out." Jim cried for a while more before looking up at Bones with his blue eyes, which were now red and blood shot from crying. Helping Jim up, Leonard noticed that the Captain was limping. When they reached his office, Jim plunged onto the couch.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" The Captain stretched out before turning to look at Bones.

"Don't you know? Cause everyone else seems to be convinced I'm just a cheatin' bastard," he said bitterly. Leonard crossed his arms.

"Yeah, well, I don't believe that shit for a second. I know you Jim, you don't cry for just anyone." Jim gave the doctor a sideways look, almost as if he couldn't quite believe the good doctor was standing there.

"I'm gonna guess you realize what happened?" Jim said softly.

"Well, the Vulcan must have had some reason for sayin' what he said, 'n that coupled with your limping, I can hazard a guess." Leonard said. "Why didn't you tell anyone, Jim?" The Doctor whispered.

"I didn't- I didn't want to be a bother-"

"Don't you give me that bull shit Jim," Bones interjected, "You know full well no one would have reacted this way if you had just told Spock, instead of lettin' the damn hobgoblin assume you cheated on him." Jim buried his face in his hand. Bones stood up and tentatively put hand on Jim's shoulder.

"You need to tell him."

"No," Jim said through his hands.

"Why not?" Leonard demanded. "Don't wanna lose your dignity? Too prideful? Don't wanna look weak?" Jim didn't respond. Bones kneeled down so he was at eye level with Jim.

"Listen to me kid. If anyone is gonna understand, if anyone isn't gonna judge you, it's him. And you wanna talk about losin' your dignity? Try thinkin' about five years from now when your overwhelmed by regret of letting Spock go?" Jim laughed a little.

"The one that got away," he said miserably. It was funny, because usually, Jim prided himself on being that one.

"I can guarantee he'll take you back, and I know he hurts just as much as you do." Bones said. For all the world feeling like a child, Jim looked up at Bones.

"How do I- explain this?" Bones patted his shoulder.

"What the hell do you think friends are for, kid?"

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