I don't own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters...

Author's Note: this is set during Order of Pheonix...at end...after Sirius's death...in this story Tonks was killed at the ministry as well...by the same bitch, Bellatrix. If this story blows at first, please forgive me...i really love the idea i've got for this plot I just don't quite know how to go about it...try to stick through it with me...this is obviously AU. Also, I'm not sure on the timing of Harry's outburst here so forgive me if I'm off on that...it's been a while since I read this book.

In Love and War

Chapter One: Torn

He sat at the bar in Hog's Head, drinking his emotions away. Wondering what all was going to happen now. He felt like so much of him was gone. Sirius was a brother to him. He felt a sudden flare of anger at himself. Harry had to be hurting so much more than he was. It was less fair to Harry than him. Sirius was the only thing close to a father Harry had had. He couldn't fathom how angry Harry probably was at him for trying to stop him from chasing Bellatrix. And then there was Nymphadora. He was merely glad she hadn't been too depressed before that fight at the ministry. She'd still been hoping for him. He felt like everything had fallen apart again, the way it had the first time. He wasn't certain how much more he could take. He went to drink another shot of Firewhiskey when a hand took his last one away. He looked up into the eyes of Aberforth.

"No more." said the elderly man drinking the shot himself.

"Please, don't do that to me right now. Pour me another." said Remus, his voice somewhat dead.

"No."

"Dammit, Aberforth. I've got a good reason." argued Remus, he was angry but his voice didn't fully betray his frustration.

"I won't watch you drown yourself. I know what all happened. Sirius wouldn't want to watch you do this to yourself. Knock it off. You were always the smart one Remus, don't start bein stupid now." said Aberforth, strongly resembling his brother for a moment.

"Then sell me the bloody bottle and I do so elsewhere." said Remus, deciding to fully give up.

"Remus, you don't quit that easily. The words comin out of your mouth right now are proof that you've already had too much." said Aberforth.

"You gonna sell me that bottle or not?" asked Remus, ignoring Aberforth's statement.

"No. Go upstairs and sleep this off."

"Fine. I'll go to the Three Broomsticks then." said Remus getting up and stumbling to the door. Aberforth put the bottle away and hoped that Madam Rosemerta wouldn't allow Remus to drink when he reached the little pub. He debated for a moment then decided to send an owl to the castle. If anyone would be able to talk sense into the man or at least convince him to sleep it would be Albus.

"Expecto Patronum." he said. A silvery goat appeared.

"Remus Lupin needs your assistance. He's at the Three Broomsticks." said Aberforth, he sent the goat off toward his brother's office in Hogwarts.

Remus opened the door to the pub and ignored the small amount of people that looked at him. He could handle that, he had done so for a long time. Madame Rosemerta gave him an odd look when he sat at the bar.

"Firewhiskey, please. At least two shots." he said. She gave him a stern look. Before she could pour it Albus Dumbledoor walked in and sat next to Remus.

"I would like you to accompany me back to my office for a few moments." said Albus.

"I don't want lectures on my behavior right now Albus. I just wanna get drunk." slurred Remus.

"You're already accomplished that, Remus. And I'm not asking for your permission to come to the castle. As the head of the Order and your friend, I'm ordering you." said Albus, quite sternly. Remus turned to him.

"Fine." he said quietly after being x-rayed for a few moments. Albus grabbed the man's arm and disapperated into his office. Remus hunched over and nearly puked for a moment then straightened up and looked at Albus.

"Have a seat, Remus." said Albus. Remus sat down.

"You're not gonna say anything I haven't already heard hundreds of times before." said Remus.

"Alright then. If you truly have no care to hear me repeat wonderful truths about you then I suggest you go get some rest." said Albus after a sigh. Remus was confused, Albus never gave up these arguments like that.

"What? Really?" asked Remus before he could stop himself. His head was beginning to spin badly. Being confused wasn't helping it at all.

"If you really don't want to hear me explain to you again how wonderful you are then go to bed. You don't want to hear that you're a good man, better friend, and all around beautiful person and that you're not at fault for recent events then go to bed. I've no wish to argue with you while you're intoxicated." said Albus, a sad expression on his face.

"Where could I sleep? Hospital Wing?" asked Remus.

"Yes. Good night, Remus." said Albus, sadness in his voice. Remus got up and made his way to the big door. He stopped, noticing many broken objects lying about. He turned back to Albus.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Harry rightfully gave me the lecture I deserved. The young man inherited two very explosive tempers that he's been holding in for quite a while." said Albus.

"I don't doubt that. His tempers, I mean. Goodnight, Albus." said Remus leaving and closing the door behind him. He slowly stumbled toward the Hospital Wing.

xxxxxxxxxx

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat at a window looking out at the forest. Ron put a comforting arm around Harry.

"You alright, mate?" asked Ron.

"Not really, Ron." said Harry, not looking at him. Hermione lay her head on Harry's shoulder.

"It'll be okay, Harry." Hermione's eyes were slightly red. She had been crying over Sirius just as much as Harry had. Her voice wasn't as raw as his though.

"Thanks guys. I'm gonna go to bed." said Harry. He got up and disappeared down the hallway to go back to the Gryffindor Tower.

"I'm worried about him." said Ron.

"He'll be okay eventually. He's not mad at us either, he's just...hurt." said Hermione. She scooted over to Ron and he put his arm around her the way he had Harry. She started crying again and Ron hugged her. She cried into his shoulder for a moment then sat back. They looked out toward the Shrieking Shack off in the distance.

"I'll never forget when we first met him. I've still got the marks to prove it." said Ron. Hermione laughed.

"Me neither." said Hermione.

"Were you afraid of Lupin at all after that night?" asked Ron, randomly.

"Not really. No. The wolf and Lupin are two different beings. He's way too kind of a person for them to ever be the same. Why? Were you?" asked Hermione.

"A little bit. Then I just kinda felt sad for him."

"I hope he's doing alright." said Hermione, suddenly realizing that he'd be taking this just as hard as Harry.

"Me too."

"Where did that question come from anyway?" asked Hermione.

"Oh, well. Just that night. I mean, he did kinda transform and attack us the same night we met Sirius." said Ron.

"That's true." said Hermione.

"Well, you ready to go back?" asked Ron.

"No, you go ahead. Check up on Harry." said Hermione wanting to be in her thoughts for a while. She liked this window.

"You won't stay out here all night will you?" asked Ron.

"No, I'll be in soon. Goodnight." said Hermione. She hugged Ron and he left. She sat there, thinking about that same night. Now, she was just as worried about Lupin as she was Harry though. She wondered where he was. How he was handling things. She hoped he wasn't alone, he'd need a friend to help him cope with this. Then again, his oldest and newest friend were the ones that were just killed. It wasn't fair. Certainly not to Harry but not Lupin either. For either of them to go through what they had during their lives and both lose someone that important to them. Before she got up she heard someone walking at the end of the hall. She wished she had the map. If it was Malfoy she was probably gonna push him out the window. Staring down the hallway she saw a man stumbling, he tripped over something and fell into a suit of armour. She got up and jogged down the hall to see if whoever it was, was okay. As she neared she recognized him.

"Oh, are you okay Professor?" she asked, she hadn't spoken to him much and so was still used to calling him professor. She knelt by him and he slowly sat up and squinted at her.

"I'm not a professor anymore, Hermione." he said, he chuckled. She could smell the whiskey on him.

"Sir, are you ... drunk?" asked Hermione, as delicately as possible.

"Chilty as garged." said Remus, he began to laugh.

"Sir,.." she asked slowly, concerned.

"You know, Sirius said that all the time when we'd drink. That was one of his sayings. Always made us laugh." said Remus, he stopped chuckling and sadness crossed his face once more.

"Are you hurt? Did any of the armour fall on you or anything?" asked Hermione.

"It doesn't matter." said Remus, waving his hand. Hermione suddenly felt slightly angry and wasn't certain why.

"It does matter!" she snapped at him. He looked up at her surprised.

"It doesn't." he argued, drunkenly.

"It does! You're important."

"Don't try to make me feel better Hermione. I'm not in the mood." said Remus.

"I don't bloody well care. Don't be so hard on yourself. I understand that you're hurt-"

"You don't understand a thing! I'm a monster. I hurt people. I lose people. I can't save a damn person I care about regardless of how hard I try. I'm not worth a thing. I hate myself and everyone else should let me go because I don't want to try anymore." he snapped. Hermione wasn't certain what had possessed her but she grabbed the front of his jacket and shook him.

"Remus Lupin. You listen to me right now. You are not a monster. The wolf is not you. He is part of you yes, but he's not you. You've not hurt a single person. Yes you lose people. We all lose people. It's part of life. Yes, you've lost a lot of people way earlier than you were supposed to but that is not your fault! You are worth so much more than you will ever know. You were the best teacher my year ever had and probably ever will. You were a wonderful friend regardless of your slight disbelief in Sirius not having betrayed Harry's parents. You've been somewhat of a father figure to Harry although even he doesn't realize it. You helped save my and my friend's lives a few hours ago regardless of losing Sirius and Tonks. You are a wise, kind, caring, good, and loving man. Don't you dare say you hate yourself or that you're done trying. None of us that care about you are going to ever let you go." said Hermione. She froze, still not sure what had taken over her just then.

"You really believe all that?" asked Remus, almost hopeful.

"Yes, yes I do." she said firmly. Letting go of his jacket.

"Thank you." he said his blue/gray eyes on hers. He pulled her into a hug before she could do or say anything. She guessed it was due to the alcohol but hugged him back regardless. She'd never actually made physical contact with him before but for some reason really enjoyed hugging him. He didn't want to let go of her. He wasn't certain why. He felt a wave of compassion for her. Remembering who she was he pulled back. She reluctantly let go.

"Where were you going anyway?" asked Hermione as they got up to break the awkward silence.

"Hospital Wing. Albus told me to bunk there for the night." said Remus taking a moment to get steady. They walked in silence to the Wing. Madam Pomfrey met them.

"Well, interesting company. Too many drinks Remus?" she asked.

"Unfortunately." he said.

"I'm so sorry about Sirius, dear. I remember when he and James would come in here and sit with you while you recovered. He was a dear friend to you." she said, pulling him into her own comforting hug. She let go and led him to a bed.

"Thanks, Madam Pomfrey." he said, taking off his jacket.

"Get some rest Remus." she said.

"Goodnight, Professor." said Hermione.

"I know I'm drunk but I do remember saying that I'm not a professor anymore." said Remus, half grinning at her. She smiled back, happy to see him somewhat happy.

"Sorry. Goodnight, Remus." said Hermione. She found she liked his smile a bit more than she thought she should.

"Goodnight, Hermione. Thanks again. That meant a lot to me." he said, untucking his shirt.

"Well, you mean a lot to me." she said before thinking how the words would sound. He seemed too intoxicated to take notice though. She left him and walked toward the exit.

"Are you alright, Dear?" asked Madam Pomfrey.

"Oh, I'm okay." said Hermione.

"How did you come to be down here?"

"He fell in the hallway. I saw him and wanted to see if he was okay."

"Oh, I'll have to check and make sure he hasn't broken anything." said Pomfrey.

"I think he's okay. Goodnight, Madam Pomfrey."

"Goodnight, Dear. You get some rest too." she said, bustling back to her room. Hermione slowly made her way through the castle back to her dormitory. Not falling asleep for a while. Her mind on her former professor. She'd admit, she had a bit of a crush on him when he taught but she'd always shrugged it off. Perhaps it was more than that. His thoughts didn't go too far, he passed out quickly. Only one shoe had been kicked off before he dropped onto the bed and fell asleep himself to unsettling nightmares concerning his late best friends.

**(hope you enjoyed that...leave me a review please...I need all the feedback I can get...I'm also open to suggestions...not promising I'll use them but I welcome them...if you get any ideas...and...the rating will stay M for the sake of the possible smutty content of later chapters...next chapter will be up when I get the inspiration...just a tip, reviews are very inspiring...)**