Disclaimer: I own nothing related to The Mentalist and honestly, with how dodgy it has gotten I'm not sure I'd want to. Lyrics are from The Verve song "Lucky Man" from one of the greatest albums of the nineties Urban Hymns

A/N: Thanks for everyone who stuck with this, and me, even though I wasn't able to write during the school year. I'll endeavor to do better in September.

Conversion Chapter 4: Lucky Man

Happiness
More or less
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just where I am

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?

Well, I'm a lucky man
With fire in my hands

-The Verve

Jane waited patiently for Lisbon's answer to his question. When it didn't come he thumped gently on the brim of her outlandish sun hat. "I asked you a question Lisbon. How am I different?"

Lisbon couldn't look at him. Her eyes remained fixed on the water while her thoughts drifted like the river. Finally she spoke. "You're not angry anymore."

He couldn't see her eyes behind the dark sunglasses, but he knew they would be swirling with emotions, and the same blue-green colours of the river, if he turned her face towards his. Lisbon worked hard to ensure the world was never quite sure if she was capable of histrionic reactions, but Jane knew better. In fact, he'd wager his collection of rare books that no one, not even her family, knew Lisbon quite as well as he did.

Under different circumstances Jane would be proud of this deep, shared understanding with another human being, especially since that other human being happened to be a woman he cared for. After all, he'd spent a great deal of his formative years learning that fellow feeling, empathy and love in all its incarnations was for marks. It should have been a triumph that Jane knew all it took to gauge Theresa Lisbon's innermost thoughts and feelings was a careful glance into her eyes under just the right lighting.

It should have been a triumph, but it wasn't. Patrick Jane generally knew a lot about most people, most of the time because of his extraordinary mind and his sideshow upbringing. He knew all there was to know about Theresa Lisbon, all of the time, because his presence in her life was totally consuming. Jane was the sun she'd been revolving around for nearly a decade, and so far no one had managed to eclipse him.

Worse still, if he was pushed to admit the truth Jane would have to acknowledge that he'd used her idolatry to his own advantage often, and had even encouraged her to burn at both ends only for him. If he knew Lisbon best, it was only because he'd not allowed anyone else to know her better.

This selfish revelation didn't come to Jane that day by the riverside. He was too preoccupied with Lisbon's state of mind, and the way water from her hair dripped down the front of his shirt-causing it to cling to her body to really deal with epiphanies. No, this particular realization came to Jane one night, just after his trial had begun, while he'd been wiling away some jail time in his mind attic.

When Jane seriously considered the prospect of a lifetime spent imprisoned he had to admit that you really don't know what you've got till it's gone. Red John had taught him that lesson once, harshly and tragically, by cutting Jane's family up into bloody ribbons. After that Jane had figured he had nothing left to lose, then he'd met Theresa Lisbon and her team. He'd spent the better part of a decade trying to convince himself that they were just tools: colleagues at best, marks at worst. But, there in the darkness, in the hopeless place that is jail, Jane could recognize Lisbon and company for what they really were; his loved ones. It seemed that Red John was still teaching him lessons from beyond the grave.

In his mind's eye Jane saw a blood smeared smiley face unfurl across his cell wall. It smirked at him as if saying, "Are you happy now?". In death Red John was free, while Jane was banged up in a cell, maybe permanently. It was so typical, Jane thought as he shrugged off the grinning phantom, that Red John should get the final word, even inadvertently.

Killing the man who'd taken his family away was always supposed to be enough for Jane. He'd told himself he was prepared to do it under any circumstances and accept the punishment. Everyone around him seemed to think that push come to shove Jane wouldn't be capable, or he'd at least be sneaky about it. That was probably why Timothy Carter had shown up that day in the shopping mall. Sure, Carter had come armed, but he'd also been pretty smug. What was Jane going to do in a busy shopping center? Shoot him?

In hindsight Jane could see Carter's point, and that was what truly gutted him. That night, in his bunk, Jane had to face the fact that if Red John himself thought you'd be crazy to murder someone in broad daylight, it probably wasn't the best plan of action. Now Jane was on trial for his life. He had no love of lawyers, but Jane could respect a passionate bid for revenge, and Oscar Adiles was definitely out for revenge.

It actually wouldn't have surprised Jane if he'd wound up spending the rest of his life in jail, or on death row. Adiles could make it happen, and if he did Jane's first concern was not for his own life, but Lisbon's. Jane had invested his life in the hunt for Red John, and Lisbon had invested hers in managing Jane. Red John was now dead, and the state of California might soon be legally responsible for managing Jane's life from here on out. If it came to that, if freedom was not to be his, Jane worried that Lisbon would struggle to go on.

He knew she was strong, certainly stronger than him. But, Jane knew Lisbon better than anyone else, and he knew her one weakness. He, Patrick Jane, was Theresa Lisbon's personal kryptonite. Deep down Jane knew that whatever it was that existed between them was the closest approximation to true love Lisbon would ever allow herself. It wasn't a physical relationship, or even a vocal one, but it suited two people too damaged to love normally just fine. There was an understanding between them, a tacit recognition that in another time and place it could have been beautiful, but not in this time and place. It worked, and it would've continued to work, to both their benefit and detriment till death do them part, but then Jane had gone and gotten arrested, and potentially jailed for life.

What would become of Lisbon without Jane? There were only two possible outcomes, either she'd thrive in his absence or decline. The problem was, both possibilities scared Jane. He didn't want her to bury herself in work, in some deranged bid to further retract from the hurly burley of human relationships. But, the thought that she might someday show up to visit and tell him all about her knew lover, promotion or social life was equally terrifying.

Jane could easily imagine how that scenario would play out. Lisbon's visits would get fewer and farther between, until they stopped completely. After all, what would they have to talk about anymore? Her life would go forward and his would stagnate. On the outside, surrounded by the rest of humanity Lisbon had a choice: to adapt and flourish, or to wallow and diminish. Jane however, would be afforded no such choice. Jail was captivity. He would remain forever the same, as if sealed in amber or rock like a fossil.

No, it wouldn't do it just wouldn't do at all. Jane made a promise to the universe that night. He didn't believe in God, but he put great stock in the inevitability of evolution and the workings of the universe. Things tended to sift out, slow as erosion, the way they ought to on the grand scale. If that worked to his favor, and he walked free, or even got some sort of conditional sentence, Jane decided it was time he and Lisbon reconsidered their relationship. He just had to work on getting back on the outside, because outside was a world without Red John. He and Lisbon had been waiting for another time and place, and now it was here.

It was right around the time of this grand revelation that Jane started making the vulnerable eyes at Lisbon. He was aware how much these looks frightened and discombobulated his boss, but he couldn't seem to stop. Worst still, Jane knew his vulnerable face probably looked a lot like Grace's earnest, yet terrifying, "Let's go to church" face. He could only imagine the ridiculous picture the three of them made at work. Jane trailing after Lisbon like a, sort- of- if- he- dared- to- let- himself- be, love sick suitor with Grace bringing up the rear like some modern day Mary Magdalene who just wants her personal Jesus to be happy, and also maybe concede there is a possibility of an afterlife. Cho and Rigsby no doubt thought of them as a mother duck and her two really special ducklings. Well, maybe just Cho, Rigsby could be too often found trailing Grace as the third duckling to really poke fun at anyone.

Jane figured he must have made the vulnerable eyes again, just moments before at the river, and that's why Lisbon is currently trying to avoid his gaze while yearning for the good ol' angry days.

Levity seemed like the way to go. "Come on Lisbon! I'm so angry. I never stopped being angry. You should have seen me tear into Tracey over the lack of AC today."

Lisbon's only response was to raise an eyebrow at him from behind her sunglasses. Less of a reaction than he'd hoped for, but at least she was looking at him now.

"I made a soccer mom cry just last week! You were there, and it wasn't even work related. Remember?"

"Unfortunately, yes." Lisbon snorted.

Jane narrowed his eyes. "What? She was a terrible person. All I did was tell her the truth."

"You weren't party to her conversation Jane! It was none of your business."

"She was putting her 'best-friend' down in a public place, something she does regularly because she's jealous that the friend has a successful career instead of settling down at 21 and pumping out three ungrateful kids," Jane said.

"Be that as it may Jane, Marie's is not the place for you to become the vindictive Dr. Phil!" Lisbon cried.

"Ha!" Jane yelled. "You admit I was being vindictive and probably petty!"

"Definitely petty! You made fun of her hair cut!"

"I hate soccer mom hair!"

Lisbon looked like she had a retort on the tip of her tongue but Jane barreled on regardless.

"I hate soccer mom hair, I hate joiners, I hate Adam Sandler movies, I hate when the temps put the milk back in the break fridge with only an inch left in the bottom, I hate minimalism, I hate casual Fridays, and don't get me started on skinny jeans. They shouldn't exist Lisbon, but if we're all going to pretend denim is acceptable in all social and work situations nowadays, can we at least agree that skinny jeans should be struck from the record?"

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "I'm aware you hate all those things Jane. You've expounded on your hatred for all of it many times on stakeouts that seem to never end. What's your point?"

"My point Lisbon? My point is that I'm no different. I still hate everything except the music and books I like, my work, a proper cup of tea, a well made suit and a handful of people," Jane replied.

"I'm no less of a curmudgeon than I was before. Cynical is what I am Lisbon. Cynical and unimpressed. I believe in less things than John Lennon did. Plus, I couldn't have lied to Yoko just for the sake of love. Her music was awful, end of story."

Lisbon picked at the hem of his shirt and took a deep breath. "Cynical isn't the same as angry Jane. Yes, you were always a cynic, but you can be a cynic and not have a wanton disregard for your own safety and the feelings of others. You offered yourself up to Red John time and time again, without any consideration for how that made me-or the team-feel. You compromised our safety, and your own, continuously. That's not cynical Jane, it's suicidal."

"I seem to remember getting myself mixed up in a kidnapping that ended with you giving me a severe tongue lashing for being an angry bastard who had no regard for his own-or your team's-safety." Jane offered dryly. "You claim there's a new me, like Coke light or something, if that were true I'd assume you would be pleased. All the Jane, half the anger!"

Lisbon smirked and took off her hat and sunglasses. "Technically that day ended with you telling me you'd always be angry and I'd just have to deal with it. Then you killed a man to save my life, and that…that's when I just started dealing with it Jane."

He could see her eyes now, and it only served to hammer her message home. Jane wanted to say, "I don't understand". But, it would've been a lie. He understood-he understood perfectly- because he'd known too in the moment he'd killed Dumar that it was an act of love.

Lisbon would have to live with the fact that he'd always be angry, always need revenge, and he'd never be able to love her properly, but he'd never let her die for his cause. Lisbon's safety, her very life was the one thing more precious than his quest for Red John's blood. If Jane was Lisbon's kryptonite then a threat to her safety was his Achille's heel.

"I told myself a million little lies the last ten years," Lisbon said while reaching for her shorts and hauling them on. "I came up with every justification I could to explain to myself why I let you be, well you, no matter how much trouble it causes me and the CBI."

Lisbon paused and began to unbutton his borrowed shirt. "I told myself and everyone around me that I let you get away-literally-with murder, because you're brilliant, because you're broken, because you're angry, and because I'm-we're-the team-we're all you've got. But, I know-you know- that's not why I did it, not really."

Her nimble fingers worked the last of the buttons free and Lisbon slid the shirt from her shoulders, before handing it back to Jane. "Here, put this on, I've got my own t-shirt."

"S'okay, you need it more than me," Jane said, mesmerized by both her candid words and the lovely view revealed to him when she'd shrugged off his shirt.

"No, no if we're going to have this conversation I'd rather you were wearing a shirt, that we were both wearing shirts." Lisbon said, rummaging through her beach bag for her t-shirt.

"I kind of like your outfit as it is," Jane mumbled while drinking in the sight of Lisbon.

Lisbon responded by pulling a grey t-shirt with CBI emblazoned on the front over her head. Jane sighed as it settled into place over her bikini.

"Jane don't," Lisbon said.

"Don't what?"

"Don't moon, don't dote, it's-it's unnerving."

There were a million things he could have said in response, and 999,999 of them would have represented a deflection and a return to the status quo, but this was not the time. Right now, in this moment, Jane felt like he had a loaded shotgun in his hands once more, and it was time for another leap forward.

Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever grow and
I know - just where I am

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?

"Why?" he asked. "Why Lisbon? Why is it unnerving?"

She looked as surprised as he'd expected her to be, so Jane decided to go for broke. He placed a hand on each side of her face and ran his thumb along her lower lip.

"Jane," Lisbon's tone was full of warning, and she placed her hands over his to try and escape his grip. "This isn't us."

He placed his forehead against hers. "Why not Lisbon? What's to stop us now?"

"People are staring at us Jane."

He pulled back and looked over his shoulder, "Meh, those moms over there? So what, they think we're already lovers, and they've been sending you death glares all afternoon, because you're single and thin, and I'm still wearing a wedding ring."

"Well, we're not, we're not what they think we are. So, they can…fuck right off," Lisbon murmured against his ear.

Jane turned back to her, their faces on inches apart. "They can indeed. But they're not entirely wrong are they? We are something, aren't we Lisbon?"

"It's not like that…"

"It could be."

"No Jane," she said and tried her best to look away, but his hands held her fast.

"Why not?"

"Because…just… Jesus Jane put on your shirt would you?" Lisbon pleaded and sank her face against his neck.

"I will if you tell me why," Jane replied.

"Put on your shirt and I will," she mumbled against his neck.

"Fine."

Jane drew back and picked up his discarded button up. He watched Lisbon as he pulled it on. It was obvious she was trying to reign in her emotions, but Jane could see the mist of tears in her eyes. It was a sadness Jane was determined to repel because he knew he was to blame for it.

"We're nearly there Lisbon, it wouldn't be that different-

"No Jane!" she cried, and then softened her voice in deference to their surroundings.

"That's just it, it would have to be different. Different than it's been. You're not angry anymore, and-

"You said that already."

"Jane! Don't interrupt me-

"Then say what you really mean!"

"I relied on your anger!" she blurted. Lisbon ran a hand through her hair and blinked rapidly trying to hold back the tears that pricked at her eyes. "Your anger was safe Jane. It didn't matter what I wanted or didn't want, because there was a line that couldn't be crossed with you. You'd always be angry and that was it."

"Now, you're different, and you're not…angry. But, the worst part is I can't…none of the team can…we don't know if we can believe you've really changed Jane." Lisbon swiped at her eyes furiously. "I've spent a decade chasing you around Jane. I know there's something here between us Jane, but I just don't know if I want that anymore."

"Are you sure?" Jane asked.

"No," Lisbon admitted. "All I know for sure is that I dedicated my life to you Jane, to your quest, and now that's over, and I feel like it's all come to nothing. Well, not nothing, you're different, and I want to believe that this less angry you is for real-

"I am."

"But, that still doesn't change this feeling I have that, that I don't know, I'm missing out on something everyone else on the team has…some finality."

Jane let out a breath of relief and a smile crinkled his features. "Lisbon, that's exactly what I'm talking about. This thing between us, let's change it, explore it…let me give you some finality."

She ducked her head and Jane watched a tear hit the sand between them. "Jane you don't understand. I'm not…I don't know if you and me is what I want. Don't you get it?"

Jane's stomach sank at her words, and suddenly he was back in his jail cell on one lonely night. "I think so. I was-I am-very selfish Lisbon, and I know I've kept you from having a real life since the moment we met. I've never been able to give you what you want, but I also don't want you find it somewhere else."

"But now, I'm telling you I want to show you I've changed and I'm offering you what you want."

Lisbon smiled sadly at him, "That's just it Jane…the worst part of getting exactly what you think you want is waking up one morning and realizing it's not what you want at all."

"Do you think that's going to happen?"

"I don't know," Lisbon replied. "But, I need time. Time to figure out what it is I want from my future, and I need to be able to make those decisions without undue influence from you."

"Okay," Jane said. "I can do that Lisbon. I promise. I've got all the time in the world now. I-

Jane's stopped talking when he realized Lisbon was crying, and doing her best to keep it silent. "Lisbon, are you okay?"

She wanted to vocalize her anguish. He was free-and she was so grateful for that-but she wasn't there yet. Where Jane saw open spaces full of possibility, and time stretching out to infinity, Lisbon pictured ticking clocks and doors that just wouldn't open without a fight. It made her want to scream that he was finally ready, and she was the one that wasn't quite on the same page yet. But she couldn't scream, she couldn't even speak, so she simply shook her head no.

"I know it's hard Lisbon. Change always is, but we'll take it slow okay? I had twelve months of solitary confinement to get used to this new me. Feel free to take as long as you like."

It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty

Lisbon nodded her assent. Dealing with the very real possibility of loving Jane in a literal sense wouldn't be easy, but he'd made her an offer she could live with. He'd give her time, time to come to terms with their new world, so that she wouldn't feel so much like the first fish that crawled out of the ocean in search of lungs. Plus, something in his eyes told her that whatever decision she reached, he'd be there, flapping about on the beach, gasping for air right along with her.

This realization didn't make it any easier to control her emotions and right now Lisbon wanted out of the public eye. "Jane, I have to go."

"What? Lisbon no, come on, I'm okay with giving you time, but in return you can't just run away and pretend today never happened."

"No, no Jane, I just…I want to leave here. I can't be out here like this anymore."

"Oh, right. Of course." Jane had known Theresa Lisbon long enough to know that public displays of emotion were not her idea of a good time. Hell, at home displays of emotions were not her thing either. He couldn't count the number of times she'd kicked him out of her home over the years when tears were a possibility. "Come on, let's clean this stuff up."

"Thank you," Lisbon said as she quickly began to gather her beach accroutrements.

Jane and Lisbon beat a hasty retreat from the riverside, and the disapproving glares of the married with children set to their left.

When they reached Lisbon's Mustang Jane helped her load the beach gear into the trunk of her car. "So," he said while pulling on his waistcoat, "Are you sure you're okay to drive?"

This was a potential landmine question to ask a woman like Lisbon, but Jane was legitimately concerned. Lisbon didn't deal well with emotions, and while she was no hysterical miss, he wasn't sure she needed to be behind the wheel of a muscle car at the moment.

Lisbon began walking towards the driver's side of the car. "Yes Jane, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? I could drive you home."

Lisbon leaned against the car. "No Jane. Remember that thing I said about time? It involves some space as well."

He sighed and gave her a look that said he wasn't completely pleased with the situation as it was playing out.

"Jane, I'm fine."

"No you're not," Jane said as he stepped towards her. Lisbon backed up against the car a little, but Jane simply opened the car door for her. "But you will be."

Jane wrapped his free hand around her waist and planted a soft but lingering kiss on Lisbon's cheek. "Losing your tail is scary Lisbon, but you learn to live without it."

Jane ushered Lisbon into the Mustang. He waited till she was fully seated before he shut the door.

Lisbon turned over the engine, and Jane tapped on the window. She lowered it, and he stuck his face through the window. "I'm more than willing to give you time Lisbon, but don't shut me out. I'll come looking for you."

She smiled and leaned over to brush her lips against his cheek before she spoke. "Soon Jane, but not before I'm ready. That's how it is from now on."

He nodded to her and withdrew from the window. He gave her door one last tap before stepping aside so she could back out of her parking space. Lisbon honked once and then left to go her own way.

Jane watched until her car was out of sight, and then he shrugged into his suit jacket. The phone in his pocket banged against his ribs. Suddenly Jane had an idea. Lisbon would come around to his way of thinking sooner if she could really believe he'd changed, and actions always speak louder than words. Jane pulled out his phone and punched in a familiar, but often avoided, number.

Grace almost fell out of her chair when her cell phone started chirping. The heat made her sleepy, and there was nothing to do at the CBI besides watch the last fifteen minutes of her shift slowly tick away.

It took her a few moments to right herself and find her phone. Luckily, the person on the other end was persistent and not the type to concede easily. "Hello?"

"Grace! It's Jane!"

Grace rolled her eyes and slumped in her seat. "Oh, hi Jane."

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Awful. You left, and then Rigsby and Cho took their sweet time coming back from Marie's. My iced coffee was melted by the time they came back. All the good donuts were gone too." Grace sent death glares at the back of her colleagues' heads.

"Sounds like you could do with some fresh air. I'm down at The Pier, why don't you join me for some dinner? I'll even throw in an ice cream cone."

Grace pulled the phone away from her head and stared at it suspiciously. She shook her head and returned the cell to her ear. "You want to have dinner with me?"

"Yeah, why not? We've had dinner before haven't we? We've had lunch and breakfast as well."

"Sure, during cases, but not like as friends. In fact, you've spent the entire four months you've been back at work avoiding me like the plague."

There was a pause on Jane's end of the line. "Grace I'm sorry about that. I just don't do well with the God talk, but I would really like to have dinner with you tonight, honest. And, as long as you don't try to convince me to go to prayer group we can talk about whatever you like, God included. Alright?"

Grace tapped her pencil and screwed up her mouth in indecision. "And there'll definitely be ice cream?"

"I guarantee it."

Her smile was practically audible on Jane's end. "Then I'm in!"

"Excellent. Meet me at the café by the pier when you get off."

Grace glanced at the clock. What was ten minutes in the grand scheme of things?

"There's nothing going on here and Cho let my coffee melt. I'm leaving now and he can deal with it."

Jane laughed. "Good for you Grace. There's that bit of bitch I like to encourage in you."

Two hours later Jane sat on the riverside with two ice cream cones in his hand. Grace had asked him to hold hers for a moment, and then she'd taken off shrieking across the sand to frighten some seagulls.

Grace streaked past him, braids streaming behind her, and her smile wide. No one had been more aptly named in Jane's opinion. He reveled in her delight and savored his freedom.

"Grace!" His voice chased her down the sand. "Don't ever change!"

Change was good and necessary. Evolution is how we move forward, but some traits are so useful, like opposable thumbs, or a spirit that cannot be crushed, they should never be lost.

Happiness
More or less
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever grow and
I know
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my

Gotta love that'll never die
Gotta love that'll never die
No, no
I'm a lucky man

The End.