Hey folks! I'm back! To those of you who are still getting my alerts, thank you for your patience. I know it's been over a year since I've written. I thought I'd try a Lily/James for once. I'm sorry it's not Drarry, but let me know what you think! I'll try to update soon! (College is crazy).

"Hey, Lily…."

"Don't do it James…" Sirius warns me from my left. I ignore him and quicken my pace to match Lily's.

"Lily." I take a deep breath. "Lily, stop." I put my hand on her shoulder, just so she'll notice me. She spins around with a familiar fire burning in her eyes. I wince and back up a little.

"Told you…" I hear a mumble from behind me.

"What the bloody hell do you want, Potter? I'm busy!" Suddenly the confidence I'd had before is gone. There's an empty, sick feeling in my stomach, and I feel my fingers start to shake.

"I'm sorry…" I stammer… "I just… can we talk? Please?" Moony and Padfoot have settled into a corner, watching what they clearly believe is a spectacle to come. Sirius looks amused, and Remus just looks worried. I watch Lily glace around. The whole hallway is eyeing the two of us. I close my eyes. I wasn't trying to make a show of this…

"Fine." I open my eyes. Lily appears to have decided that yelling at me in front of so many people would be in poor taste. She's given in. "It better be bloody quick." I almost grab for her hand before remembering it would be a bad idea to touch her. I lead her into a courtyard. I know my friends have probably followed us. But I don't really care that they're listening. I sit her down and take a deep breath.

"Lily, look… you intoxicate me. For some reason, all I really want is to just…"

"Stop." She cuts me off. "Just stop, Potter. I've heard all this before and I'm sure millions of other girls have too." I open my mouth to tell her that's not true at all, but she doesn't let me speak. "No," she says when I try. "Don't talk, just listen. I don't appreciate this at all. Pulling me aside in front of my friends so I don't have the choice to say no. Your arrogance might get you into bed with other girls, but I don't want any of it do you understand?"

"Yes." I say shortly. "I didn't…" she cuts me off again.

"Then please, just leave me alone. I'm tired of this. I'm tired you. I'm not a prize to be won. You're going to have to just accept that I'm not like all the other slags in this school."

"Please, Lily, why can't you just give me a chance?" I'm starting to feel desperate. My arrogance and confidence have long gone away. Lately I've just felt depressed. "I know you're nothing like them… that's the point…" This was the wrong thing to say.

"You want to know why Potter?" She snaps, "Because you're no better than any of the Slytherins! You torment people who are lower than you, you refuse help in your classes because you think you're too bloody good for it, and you think you're so bloody attractive, it disgusts me." I open my mouth but she isn't finished. "You've made it a game for yourself to ask me out every fucking day, just to humiliate me. You KNOW I'm not interested, but you insist on doing this anyway. Either you think this is funny, or there's something wrong with you, but either way I don't give a fuck. I'm not interested in being a part of your games."

"I can explain." I spit out quickly before she has a chance to cut me off again. "I can explain all of it!"

"I don't want to hear it, Potter. If I really want to know, I'll ask the girls you've snogged. I'm sure they've heard it all." She stands up. "Thanks for the chat." I try to stop her before she walks away.

"It's so much different from that, Lily…" Either she didn't hear me or she doesn't care, but she doesn't stop. I don't chase after her either. After staring in her direction for a moment or two, I sigh and sit down on the stone bench she's just vacated. I'm actually not sure how much longer I can do this.

"AND JAMES POTTER IS SHUT DOWN AGAINNNN!" Padfoot shows up out of nowhere and plops himself down on the bench beside me. I don't say anything. "So, James, you've just been declared a Slytherin; what are you gonna do now?" He holds an invisible microphone in front of my face. I shove him off and get to my feet. He's right on my heels, talking to the camera that Remus is now metaphorically holding. He follows me as I walk. "We're here today with Mr. James Potter, who only moments ago, encountered the rare Lily Beast. He has not survived the encounter unscathed. Any words for our viewers, Jamsie?"

"Fuck off, Padfoot." Sirius turns back to the camera.

"Mr. Prongs appears to be unavailable for questioning at this time." I sigh and speed up my pace. Moony continues to "record" as we enter the now empty hallway. "For those members of our audience who do NOT know, this is not Mr. Potter's first encounter with the wild, yet predictable creature. Why, even yesterday…"

I tune Sirius out as I approach the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Pixie." I say glumly. She swings forward and I climb through the gaping hole left in her place. Ignoring the calls of the people sitting the common room, I trudge up the stairs to the 7th floor. By the time Moony and Padfoot catch up to me in the dorm room, they've stopped pretending to be a television programme. The moment the door shuts Sirius starts stripping his clothing. I'm hit in the face with his sweaty shirt.

"God it is too sodding hot." On a normal day, I would have shed my clothes as well, laid back on my bed and probably have pulled the snitch out of my underwear drawer. Today though, I don't feel up to it. Remus - who's a bit more civil and proper than both Sirius and I combined – replaces his sweat-stained uniform with a clean t-shirt.

"You're awfully quiet, James," He observes as he pulls some parchment out of his trunk.

"Yeah, Prongs," Sirius agrees, "Quit your pouting. Plenty of grindylow in the tank." I ignore him. "Whatever." I hear him sigh. "Hey, Moony, can I borrow a quill?"

"You just borrowed one this morning…"

While the two of them bicker I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at my feet. I don't feel very well at all. I reach up and loosen my necktie, hoping it will make a difference. It doesn't. I know there's nothing physically wrong with me, but I feel like I'm not breathing in enough air. Lily's words are running through my mind.

You're no better than any of the Slytherins.

You think you're so bloody attractive it disgusts me.

I'm tired of you.

Suddenly my throat gets tight and my face feels hot. I take a deep breath and hold it there for a moment, trying to gain composure. It's been getting so hard to deal with this lately. For some reason, Lily refuses to understand that I actually do love her. I haven't teased anyone in months. I've stopped acting arrogant. Hell I couldn't act arrogant if I tried right now. I just feel… worthless. And ugly. And no matter how many times I try to tell her, all she's done is grow sick of me…

I can feel the tears starting to gather in the corners of my eyes now. I close them.

You refuse help in your classes because you think you're too good for it.

I don't think I'm too good for it at all… but if I ask for help, everyone will think I'm stupid… I'm James Potter. I have appearances to keep… but I guess that just makes her right… My breath is getting shaky.

I'm not interested in your games.

I draw in another breath, and this time it catches in my throat. I squeeze my eyes shut but it's too late to stop it now. I'm crying. I feel my shoulders start to shudder as the first tears escape down my cheeks. I lean forward and bury my face in my hands, at least having the dignity to stay quiet.

"Hey, James," I hear Sirius cut off mid-question. "Whoa…" he says softly. I hear his footsteps and the next thing I'm aware of is his weight on my bed. I feel an arm around me. Somehow, this makes me cry harder. I'm not being quiet anymore. This draws Moony's attention from his essay and I can feel his weight beside me as well, rubbing my back.

"Jamsie…" Sirius says softly… "Come on, tell us what's wrong." I don't say anything. I don't know how to tell them. After all, none of Lily's rejections have ever made me cry before. This time was no worse than any of the others. So how can I explain to them that I don't know how to deal with it anymore? They'll just laugh anyway. "Prongs…" I take a breath, prepared to say something – anything, but even the simplest of words catch in my throat, and all I can manage is a pathetic cry. I've never felt so helpless. It's been years since I've cried like this…

So why can't I stop?

I pull my glasses off my face and throw them on the bed behind me. I start wiping furiously at my eyes, in effort to make the tears go away. They don't. I keep trying, getting more and more frustrated, which to my dismay, results in a full scale breakdown. Honestly, if anyone other than Moony and Padfoot were here to witness this, I would kill myself. I lean as far forward as I can so that my face is into my hands which are resting on my knees. Violent sobs are forcing themselves out of my body, and I don't even fully understand why. All I know is that I don't want to see the looks on my friends' faces right now. My breath catches and I cough. I feel either Remus or Sirius pat my back.

"There, there, James… It's alright." I shake my head into my knees. It most certainly is not alright. I'm breaking down…

"Shh… yes it is." It's Moony talking. I hear him sigh. He doesn't sound surprised at all by my tears. "This is what happens when you bottle up your feelings, mate." He sounds like he's reprimanding me. All the while, I don't hear a word from Sirius. He hasn't let go of my shoulders. I manage to choke out a sentence.

"I don't k-know what to d-do anymore!"

"You really do love her, don't you?" It's the first time I've heard Sirius's voice since I started crying. His tone is soft. All I can handle is a nod. "Come here, Prongs." He says gently. "Sit up." I shake my head. "Up, you great lump, up." I take a breath and hold it. I sit up. Sirius looks me dead in the eyes.

"Why didn't you tell us what this was doing to you?" I fall apart all over again. With a sigh, Sirius pulls me toward him in a very unmanly hug, leaving me no choice but to sob uncontrollably into the crook of his neck. He holds me close to him. 7 years of friendship comes to the surface and I'm not even embarrassed anymore. I feel Remus's weight leave the bed. I can hear the bathroom door open and then a few moments later, he's sitting beside me again. I blubber all over Sirius for what feels like an hour before I start to settle down. I sniff pathetically and sit up. I stare at my lap as Remus hands me a few tissues (clearly what he'd been getting from the bathroom), unable to look either of them in the eye. After another ten minutes, I manage to stop crying. Remus grabs my hand reassuringly and this almost unglues me all over. I don't remember ever feeling this horrible.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks softly. I think for a moment… Do I want to talk about it? I decide on no and shake my head. "Later maybe." I tell him in a scratchy voice. If I try now I'll just fall apart again. He nods in understanding as Sirius goes and grabs me a few more tissues.

When Padfoot returns I notice that he looks upset. Not just pitying, like Moony, but actually upset. I take his offering gratefully, blow my nose, and wipe at the rest of the tears on my cheeks. After taking a few more breaths to steady myself, I ask him,

"What's wrong?" He gives me a funny look, as though I'm the last person in the world with the right to ask somebody what's the matter. Given my current position, he's probably right. But I don't really care. "I'm serious." I croak. "You look upset."

"I'm just worried." He says shortly. I shake my head.

"No, Remus is worried. You look upset." Remus looks at him with a face that suggests he agrees with me.

"I should have seen it coming." He mumbles. "I should have realised how bad you were hurting." I swallow the lump this statement puts in my throat. "Remus saw it, why didn't I? You're my best friend."

"Sirius, I didn't see this coming…" I stop talking because I feel like pushing my vocal cords is going to make me fall apart again. "It just matters that you're here," I choke. Great… now I'm hurting my friends… Padfoot sighs and sits beside me again. All he says is

"I guess."

I reach out and put an arm around each one of them, pulling them to me.

"I'm sorry." I whisper. Sirius looks around at me in surprise.

"What the hell for, James?"

"Being pathetic." I take another deep breath.

"You're not being pathetic at all, James." It's Remus who answers this time. "Sometimes people just need to cry." I almost open my mouth to argue this, but memories of Sirius and I holding Remus close flood my mind instead. At the same time I recall letting Padfoot cry all over me a few weeks after he ran away.

"I guess." I say softly. "Thank you." They just hug me. "I don't feel okay at all," I whisper.

"I know," Remus tells me gently. "You'll feel better after some rest and you put some time between you and this…"

"Breakdown." I finish for him.

"Yeah." I don't say anything back.

This has been coming for years.

One sporadic crying jag won't be the end of it.

But they don't need to know that.