Ask Me No Questions

"Remus, what's the matter with you? Aren't you excited for the Halloween feast?" Sirius asked loudly, plopping down next to Remus on one of the couches in the common room. Remus closed his eyes briefly, rubbing his temples as the pounding in his head intensified at the cutting sound of Sirius's voice.

"Sirius, you're sitting on the Transfiguration essay I just finished, and I have a headache," he murmured, the sound of his own words making his head spin.

"Sorry," Sirius whispered more quietly, getting up off the essay and then sitting down again to the side of it. "But, the feast. It's going to be so cool!" Remus winced as Sirius's voice raised again, and his friend took note, lowering his pitch as he continued, "I heard the ghosts put on some kind of show, even Moaning Myrtle comes out from her bathroom."

Remus's headache wasn't so bad that he couldn't open his eyes and say witheringly, "What's your fascination with Moaning Myrtle? For all you know she's a bore. It's not like you've even seen her."

Sirius blushed a little and he fiddled with his fingers anxiously.

Remus's eyes widened. "You've seen… what in Merlin were you doing in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom? It's a girls bathroom."

"I was curious," Sirius shrugged.

"I would assume that girls' bathrooms look just like ours, Sirius. Honestly, sometimes-"

"No!" Sirius protested quickly. "I was curious about Moaning Myrtle, not the girls' toilet."

Remus smiled a little. "If you say so…" he waggled his eyebrows at Sirius mischievously, and then regretted it instantly as his head throbbed again.

Sirius was not to be distracted. "But anyway, the feast, how can you even be calm enough to do homework?"

"Because someone's got to do it so you can all copy it tomorrow morning," Remus quipped. Then he became solemn, wondering whether or not to continue. This was the problem with having friends when you needed to keep a secret. Friends were involved, concerned, they inquired… they were people you had to lie to. Oh, well. It wasn't like they wouldn't notice his absence at the feast, so he might as well speak up now. Right, then they wouldn't have time to jump to their own conclusions… Remus bit his lip and didn't quite meet Sirius's eyes as he added, "And because, I'm- well… I'm not exactly going to the feast." Why did the full moon have to be on Halloween this year?

Sirius's eager face fell slightly, and his lower lip jutted out just a bit. Remus tried not to smile at how unwittingly adorable Sirius looked like when he unintentionally pouted. "But that's not okay! How come?"

Remus sighed. Now the lies began. He could hardly say, Because I'm going to be turning into a monster that could very well kill all of you. He winced as he mentally spoke the word "monster." It was almost as bad as "werewolf." Almost. Remus looked down, his long lashes casting shadows over his rather hollow cheeks. "I'm, er, not… feeling well." There, that was perfect. The week preceding the full moon turned him sallow and weak and sickly-looking anyway, he might as well capitalize on it. It was certainly believable.

Sirius frowned and began slowly, "There'll be other feasts, we have six more Halloweens at Hogwarts. Do you want us to stay with you, keep you company? I know James and Pete wouldn't mind." - a pause while Sirius rallied himself for further self sacrifice, and then - "And even if they did mind, I'd still stay!"

Remus swallowed against his suddenly dry throat and quickly shouted, "No!" He flashed a quick glance at Sirius in time to catch the slightly hurt expression on his best mate's face. "I mean… that's okay, I don't want you to miss the feast just because of me," Remus backtracked quickly.

Sirius craned his neck a little, obviously trying to make eye contact with Remus, who kept his gaze stubbornly fixed on the floor. "What's up?" Sirius asked, his voice full of concern.

"What do you mean?" Remus said, tripping over his words in his haste to get them out.

"I'm going to sound like a girl, but… you could tell me if you had a problem, you get that, right?"

Remus smiled. "I know." But if only you knew, you wouldn't say that, he added in his thoughts.

Sirius narrowed his eyes, unconvinced.

"Would I lie to you?" Remus asked, trying to sound sure, feeling a pang of remorse as he played the guilt card. Yes, I would… Remus cursed the voice in his mind and wondered vaguely if normal people had that voice, too.

"No, I guess you wouldn't." Sirius grinned in the kindest possible way and thumped Remus on the back as he got up to go.

Remus inhaled sharply as the physical contact accentuated the ache in his bones. He forced a small smile. "Bring me back something sweet and chocolatey from the feast," Remus encouraged, even though his stomach clenched at the mere thought of eating so soon after a transformation. He'd long ago stopped wondering what he'd done to deserve his… condition. But at that moment, he wished more than anything to be someone his friends wouldn't have to fear and be ashamed of if they knew the truth.

Sirius had wasted no time in telling James and Peter that Remus couldn't attend the feast. Now, only ten minutes before dinner, they were clustered around his bed in his dorm, trying to wheedle him into changing his mind. James picked up one of the moon charts on Remus's bed. He'd used them earlier that day to predict what time the moon would rise and forgot to put them away. It was a careless mistake, one that he shouldn't be making anymore. After all, he'd lived this way for years now, he should know better than to leave out his moon charts.

"What are you doing with all of these? Even I've already finished my Astronomy homework," James said, his voice slightly amazed. A careful examination of James's face showed no suspicion, only idle curiosity.

"I did it this morning."

"But your homework's right here, and it's dated from two days ago," Peter remarked, both of them totally oblivious to the havoc the were wreaking on the already nervous boy seated on the bed.

A tremor shook through Remus's spine. He drew his knees up against his chest and tried to calm down. There were still fifteen minutes before he needed to get to the Whomping Willow, the symptoms were just presenting a little early because he was so anxious. His friends were still safe around him… at least for the time being. "I, um, took my homework out to check it over today," Remus said distantly, trying to focus on the conversation at hand enough to come up with a good excuse.

It worked; the confusion on Peter and James's brow cleared and they both grinned. "Now, that sounds more like you," Peter said.

Remus couldn't stop looking at the clock. He needed to get them to leave. "You guys are going to be late for the feast."

James shook his head, "Whatever, it's a feast. Are you sure you're fine? You don't look too good."

"I think maybe I'll go to the hospital wing," Remus mumbled. That was good, it would be a cover if he wasn't back before they were. "Now, you promised to bring back some chocolate for me, so get going." He noticed Peter staring wistfully at the door, and was instantly thankful that Pete's sympathies were so firmly tied to his stomach. He managed a smile and nodded towards the door. "Go on."

That was all the encouragement Peter needed to head down to the feast, and he turned to go, the other boys following after a few concerned glances back to the bed. Remus mustered a small smile, but as soon as James shut the door behind them, Remus slumped back against his pillows, panting slightly, a sheen of sweat covering his face and neck.

He glanced at the clock and dragged himself out of bed, shuffling outside, wondering vaguely what would happen this time. It was only his second transformation at Hogwarts, and the first time Dumbledore had been there to oversee it and they'd sequestered him in a deserted shack in Hogsmeade. This time Dumbledore wouldn't be there, and he was curious in spite of himself as to how he would fall into this new routine of transformations at Hogwarts. Madame Pomfrey was waiting at the large oaken entrance to the castle. "You are late, Mr. Lupin," she said sternly.

"Sorry," he whispered, terrified by the prospect of what could have happened had he been even later.

"'Sorry' is not enough, Lupin, this is serious. It is not being a couple of minutes late for class. This is a matter of life and death and you could-"

"I know, okay?" Remus interrupted tiredly, dreading hearing what he could have done.

Madame Pomfrey's face softened. "Of course you know, poor thing," she murmured. "I have something for you to try out this time." She held up what looked like a leash and collar.

"You're going to…" Remus could hardly speak from humiliation. "Like a dog?"

"Madame Pomfrey smiled kindly at him. "You want to see the feast, don't you?"

Remus's eyes widened. "I can… I can be there?"

She nodded, beaming at him. "Outside the windows of the Great Hall. If you'll wear the collar and the leash," she added sternly.

Remus gave her a small smile. "Yeah, I'll wear it. Thanks."

Madam Pomfrey said quickly, "Well, yes, normally I'd not condone reckless endangerment, but of course exceptions can be made…" She trailed off as they walked to the edge of the Forbidden Forest together. "You'll transform here, and then once you get… under control… I'll walk you out to the Great Hall's windows."

"Won't the other kids be able to see me?"

"No, the glass has been enchanted to be one-way glass tonight. And here are your, er, accessories, shall we say?"

Remus took the collar and leash from her. "I have to put them on before?" he asked uncomfortably. The matron nodded. Remus looked at the collar, hating the self-degradation of it, even if it was going to give him a degree of freedom he'd never before had during the full moon. It was a plain leather collar and a rope leash. He put the collar about his slim white neck with shaking fingers, the tremors down his spine increasing if frequency and intensity. Hurry, hurry, hurry he chanted to himself.

He got the collar on, and Madame Pomfrey stepped forward to clip on the leash when flaming hot pain shot down Remus's spine, making his vertebra feel like they were turning into molten liquid. He curled over into himself, crying out in pain, and then his head reared back, thrown into the air, as he fell onto all fours. He raised a hand to his mouth in horror and whirled to warn Madame Pomfrey. But by the time he had turned towards her, his hand was a hulking paw that swiped at Madame Pomfrey's arm, leaving terrible red marks along the length of it. Remus tried to scream, but only a horribly yowling issued from his muzzle. The primal beast within him took over and the real Remus shrank away from his own demons, silenced as Madame Pomfrey changed plans swiftly and began to drag him to the tree that would bring him to his shack in Hogsmeade.

"I'm sorry."

Remus, human again, watched as Madame Pomfrey shook her head at his statement and precisely tipped three drops of a pale pink potion onto her injured arm. "You didn't do anything." The potion hissed on contact with her torn flesh.

"I'm sorry."

"Mr. Lupin, for the last time, it was not your fault."

"But-"

"Mr. Lupin."

"Okay, sorry."

"If you apologize one more time for anything, anything at all, I will take fifty points from Gryffindor."

That made Remus pause, and he wondered for a moment what he ought say, if not an apology. He opened his mouth, not knowing what he would say, and was surprised to find himself asking, "Why?"

"Because you can't help what you did, and it is my job to keep both of us safe, not yours, Mr. Lupin."

Remus bit his lip, floored.

"Stop biting your lip, it's torn up enough from those fangs you grow when you transform." She bustled away and came back a moment later with a small container of a thick yellow cream. "Smear this on your lips every morning and night for the next three days and they'll heal."

Remus took the jar from her and looked down, horribly embarrassed.

"You're about to apologize again, so I suggest you get yourself out of my office before you do, Mr. Lupin."

"Oh, okay, sor- I mean, I'll see you in a month!" he said nervously as he fled from the room.

When he got up to his dorm, James, Sirius and Peter were awake, talking quietly, even though dawn was breaking over the crest of the Forbidden Forest. "What are you guys doing up?" Remus asked, shocked.

"Did you really think we'd not wait for you?" Sirius asked. "I'm insulted."

"You shouldn't have, you won't be able to concentrate on the Potions test today if you're all falling asleep during it!" Remus protested. "If I'd known you were going to do that I would have talked you out of it."

"You look pretty exhausted yourself, so you're not one to talk," Peter said, eyeing the dark circles Remus knew were under his eyes. "I fell asleep around midnight and they let me sleep for a few hours, so you can all copy off of me in Potions," Peter announced proudly.

Remus tried to put all the words of gratitude he couldn't manage to force out of his constricted throat into the smile he gave them, and as they beamed back, he rummaged in his school bag and pulled out a sheaf of immaculate Potions notes. "At least I have good notes we can all study from," he offered, holding up the thick stack of parchment.

"You're a life saver, Remus," James said appreciatively.

Remus tried not to dwell on the irony of that statement as they all crowded around the notes on his bed. Instead, he took a deep breath and forgot about the remnant ache in his bones as a happy warmth in his chest took its place.

A/N: I didn't proofread this chapter all that well, so I'm sorry if there are mistakes in it. Also, I'm kind of unsure about my characterization of Sirius here. There were a bunch of things I meant to say in the Author's Note, but I can't remember any of it at the moment. I don't even know what I'm saying right now, so... enjoy, fans of Remus, and don't forget to leave a review!