An Alistair and Hawke romance based on the characters and dialogue from Bioware's Dragon Age and Dragon Age 2.

Chapter 1 – Finding Strength

"My friends. We are gathered here to pay our respects to Erin Amell, the Grey Warden who saved us all. She gave her life…" Alistair's voice cracked with emotion and he paused. His jaw was aching from holding back his tears, holding in the pain.

"She gave her life to destroy the Blight, a sacrifice we must never forget." He paused again and swallowed hard. He cleared his throat and continued.

"It was no accident that she was there. She was special and each of us was touched by her in some way. I… I thought we'd be together forever."

A tear began to roll down his cheek. Somehow, Alistair finished his eulogy. "You will be missed Erin, more than I could possibly say." His deep, rich voice trailed off and overcome by grief, he bowed his head and left the pyre to take his place beside Irving.

She was gone. Erin Amell, the hero of Fereldon, was gone. She had sacrificed herself to ensure that he, and not Anora, wore the crown. Alistair had never felt more alone. She had believed in him, more than he believed in himself. His best friend and sometime lover had taught him more about life and love and faith in the year or so that they had known one another, than all his years with Eamon and all his years at the Chantry put together. His heart was truly broken and the desolation that pervaded his soul was slowly bleeding all joy from his being.

After the funeral, Alistair slept for three days. When he finally found the energy to get out of bed, he reached for her letter to read it for the hundredth time..

My Dearest, Dearest, Alistair

If you are reading this letter, then Riordan was unable to slay the Archdemon. I know that I promised to let you take the killing blow. Please know that I hated to break my promise to you. It was the first time I ever lied to you and I guess it will be the last time (are you grinning now?). It was me who hit you from behind, a lovely little spell that Irving taught me, as you no doubt suspected. I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.

Alistair, I could not let you die. Please understand. You are the only one who can keep Ferelden safe from the corrupt madness of those like Loghain and Howe. You are a man of honor and justice and vision. Only you will help the Dalish find a permanent home. Only you will help Mages and the Templars build a new relationship. And only you will see that the all that was lost at Ostagar is reclaimed for Duncan, for Cailan, and for the Grey Wardens. This is your birthright Alistair, and despite what you think, there is no one who could lead Ferelden better than you.

You and I both know it was really you who led us through the Blight. You practiced hiding your birthright well and learned to lead from behind. This will serve you well as King. Every step of the way you gently pushed and prodded. You provided the right amount of information, asked the right questions at the right time to the right people and suddenly your ideas were our ideas. And only then could we push forward to do the right thing. You are very clever Alistair, and very wise. I may well be called a hero of Ferelden but I know who the true hero is.

Do you remember how we joked that we were not "in love with" one another, but rather "in need with" one another? I wonder what our lives would have been like after the Blight. We never thought that far ahead – how could we? Would we still have been in need? All I know is that meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. You brought joy to a life that once was filled with despair and anger. You brought me pleasure to chase away the pain (you really are very good at pleasuring you know) and you brought me the strength and the courage to get up every morning with renewed faith and vigor to fight another day.

Alistair I know that you have suffered much loss and pain in your life. The hardest thing about my decision is that I know it will hurt you. And that is the only regret I have, aside from my inability to have protected Cullen. Please do not be angry with me Alistair. Know that I am awed and humbled by you – by your grace and charm, your humor and your kindness. I love you more than my words can express.

I am watching you sleep as I write this. You are snoring, and I am smiling – filled with the joy of knowing that I have been blessed by your friendship and love. Thank you, Alistair. Return to yourself, Alistair. Return to who you were meant to be. Find the love of your life and please, please, stay safe and be happy.

Erin

Alone now in his bedroom, sitting on his favorite threadbare chair, he let his tears flow freely. Alistair and Erin had grown to care deeply for one another. Their friendship was strong and they had been fiercely loyal to each other. The horror of what they saw as they journeyed throughout Ferelden during the blight drew them close both emotionally and in time, physically. Always passionate and deeply satisfying, their love making was born out of fear and loneliness and a shared need to feel the full beauty of life, in the face of death and senseless destruction. They loved one another truly, but were never certain that they were in love. It mattered not. They had chosen to live life as fully as they could, for death during the Blight, was always just around the corner.

~XXX~

Five years had passed since her death. Alistair, despite his despair, always drew strength from Erin's final words to him. Her letter, so worn, was kept on his night stand and read often. He still had the occasional nightmare of that day on top of Fort Drakon. It haunted him, tormented him. He had been inches from the archdemon when a blow to the back of his head knocked him out. His next memory was of holding the dying mage in his arms and weeping inconsolably

Despite his emptiness, Alistair ruled with a fair and wise hand, rebuilding the country, providing land to the Dalish, and opening the doors to a new relationship between Mages and Templars. With the support of Teagan and Eamon, Wynne, Leliana, and Zevran, Alistair slowly began to heal. But the quick wit, easy spirit, charm and grace that so endeared him to the Hero and to his companions was less evident. Alistair had worked diligently and tirelessly to rebuild Fereldon, but of late, he felt the walls of his Denerim Palace, begin to close in on him. He needed to get away.

"Teagan, I need to leave the country for awhile." Alistair began, the next day, during breakfast. " It has been a while since I toured Thedas, and Empress Celene has requested that I visit. And I want to stop in Kirkwall for a few days."

"Cullen?"

"Yes. We haven't heard from him for a while and I am concerned."

"Fine, I will have our things readied." Teagan replied

"Our things?" Alistair said, his old impish grin appearing on his face. "Teagan I am going alone. Zevran has cleared the way. I will be fine. I want to go alone. Meet me in Orlais if you must, but to Kirkwall, I go alone. No sense in making my visit there official at this time. It would only conjure up suspicion and jeopardize Cullen."

"Fine." Teagan said. "It shall be arranged."

Alistair grunted. He knew what that meant. Teagan did not give up so easily unless he intended to have him followed. "Just keep your men out of my way and out of sight." Alistair said as sternly as he could muster. He was too weary to fight, and Teagan was so stubborn, he would lose anyway.

"Yes your Highness!" Teagan said, bowing as his eyes rolled.

"Great. You are sniveling now. Good night Teagan, and thank-you."