On My Way Down

On the way down I saw you, & you saved me from myself & I won't forget the way you loved me. On the way down almost fell right through but I held onto you.

Chapter One - Missing

Maybe someday you'll look up, and, barely conscious, you'll say to no one: "Isn't something missing?"

James is trying to convince himself that he isn't heartless. But this girl in front of him is crying, no, bawling, the whole nine yards, sniffling, yelling at him, and begging him not to leave her. They've only been dating two months.

Which is pretty much why James is breaking up with her.

He doesn't do attachment.

Fun? Yes. Casual fuck? Yes. No strings attached? Yes. One night stand? Yes. Friends with benefits? Yes.

Clingy? No. Needy? No. Emotional? No. Complicated? No. Commitment? No.

Love?

Hell to the fuck no.

Which is why as she's crying in front of him and she's practically on her knees and she's repeating those three words that he despises over and over again, he just wants to leave her even more.

"James, please, don't leave me, we can take things slower, you don't have to say it back!"

James can't help but think he will never say those three words to anyone besides his mother and maybe his reflection.

"I love you." She says again.

And James just turns around. He hates those words. He hates them more than the fact that Kendall wears plaid every damn day. He walks out of her house without saying anything. He can't stand to hear it again. He leaves her there, crying.

Which is why it's hard for James to convince himself he isn't heartless. It's not like he gets some kind of sick satisfaction from hearing them yell and scream, beg and plead for him not to leave. In fact he hates that he breaks their hearts, but he can't stay with them. He never can. He's not meant to be monogamous, or at least that's what he tells himself. On the outside, that's how he explains it to all of his friends, and they just laugh and agree with him. But deep down, he knows it's something else.

He's jaded.

But at least he knows it.

When he leaves her house, he gets in a cab. He's got to hurry to the show. They're playing in Anaheim tonight and the traffic on Saturdays is unbearable. Traffic in L.A. is always a drag, but on the weekends, James almost considers moving to a less populated area.

He would never leave Los Angeles though.

James feels like he was born to do certain things.

Sing? Born to do.

Act? Born to do.

Model? Born to do.

Be famous? Born to do.

Live in Los Angeles? Born to do.

Break hearts? Apparently.

But it doesn't bother James. Not all that much. He likes to pretend he believes that one day, there will be a girl, somewhere out there in the world that will be so beautiful inside and out that he won't be able to take it and he will fall in love. But he pretends to believe that.

In all honesty, James doesn't believe he will ever fall in love. But aside from that, he doesn't want to.

And that's okay, because he enjoys the life he leads. He's rich and famous, he's got money, car, girls and it's everything he always wanted. It's everything he expected.

While he's sitting in the back of the cab, he hears one of his own songs come on. Big Time Rush is number one on the charts and he listens with a smirk while he, Carlos Logan and Kendall's voices coming through the speakers.

His phone rings then. The cab driver turns the radio down. How courteous, he thinks.

It's Kendall and James stops for a second thinking about not answering it. Kendall likes to pry. Best friends or not, sometimes you want to keep things to yourself. Kendall doesn't always get that.

"What's up Knight?" he asks.

"Diamond, where the fuck are you?" he says laughingly. He knows that the other three boys are in their dressing room, having fun, getting ready for the show, warming up their vocals.

"Stuck in traffic." James explains looking out the window towards all the city lights.

"What? Why? We thought you were back at the house."

"I was," James knows Kendall will ask every question he can until he gets the answer he's looking for from James. "I had to run an errand."

James suddenly wonders why he doesn't just straight up tell his best friend that he went to break up with his latest ex-girlfriend, because he knows he will anyways.

"Did you go to Veronica's?" Kendall asks.

"Yeah." James replies nonchalantly.

"Did you break up with her?"

James shrugs and then he realizes that Kendall can't see him, "Yeah." His voice hasn't changed, the same carelessness.

"Why?"

"Things were moving too fast."

"She said it didn't she?" Kendall asks. He knows his best friend too well.

"Listen dude, my relationship, not your, just chill okay." James is getting a little defensive now. Kendall and Jo have been together for almost seven years now. They've been together since they were eighteen. Kendall likes to try and help him with relationships. But James never takes anything he says to heart because quite frankly, James could care less how his relationships end.

He doesn't give a fuck.

"Yeah, yeah, I know I'm just saying, you're twenty-five, you've never had one serious relationship. You won't be young and pretty forever, James."

James mentally rolls his eyes. Kendall has started doing this a lot lately. Trying to convince him to at least give love a shot.

Yeah fucking right.

"Then I'll be like George Clooney, a sexy old bachelor. You see the women he gets."

"Yeah," Kendall says and he can picture the look on his best friends face, "you slept with the girl he brought to the Oscars a week after they broke up."

James finds himself smiling at his accomplishment. Because hey, James is straighter than ruler, but George Clooney is one good looking old dude. James doesn't normally do sloppy seconds, but come on, it's George Clooney.

"Anyways," Kendall continues, "just get here quick, we've got less than an hour."

They hang up after that. James leans forward towards the driver and says, "one hundred bucks plus the fare if you can get me to the Honda Center in less than an hour."

"You got it boss."

From then on the guy is driving like mad and James who has never been one to get car sick feels himself get a bit queasy.

The man driving changes the radio station and James once again hears himself on the radio. Then, the driver begins to sing and James looks at him astonished. This guy had to be forty five, with a big black beard and close to three hundred pounds and he was singing James's solo.

"Want to know a secret?" The driver calls from the seat in front. "I love these guys. My daughter listens to them every day. She got me hooked."

James finds himself stifling laughter and tells the driver that they aren't bad.

He pulls out his wallet finds an old receipt and asks the man up front if he has a pen. He hands one back to him. James scribbles his signature on the back of the receipt and is smiling. It's times like this that he knows he has a heart.

They arrive in front of the Honda Center just as the song ends and Ryan Seacrest's voice comes on and says, "that was 'Nothing Even Matters' by Big Time Rush, they're some good friends of mine, playing at the Honda Center in Anaheim tonight." They're twenty minutes early and so James hands the cash to the driver along with the receipt and says, "Nice to meet you, I'm James Diamond. Thanks for the ride."

The man's fat beardy face looks at him with amazement and James is smiling as he gets out of the cab. He sees the long line of people waiting to get in and he walks past almost half the line before someone says, "oh my God! It's James!"

He's making a run for it then and security is there to save him. Katie is there to meet him and make sure he gets to where he needs to be. Katie has become beautiful over the years, but James won't touch her. She's off limits to pretty much everyone that Big Time Rush is good friends with. She's their manager and she's older now, but she's too much like a baby sister to all of them. Any boy she dates has to meet the approval of all four band members otherwise, it's like the boys are seventeen again and they're out to sabotage.

"You're late James." She scolds but James just gives her a one armed hug and heads back to the dressing room. Tonight is the last show on their national tour. They have a month off, and then it's on a worldwide tour. Which is what the tour is called, "World Wide" after their number one hit. James thinks it's stupid, but Katie knows what she's doing and has never led them into anything but success. She said that people love irony and since tickets in the bigger cities are almost already selling out, he trusts her.

Katie doesn't have to baby sit him, so he finds his own way to the dressing room while she goes to talk to some of the tech people.

When he gets there, Camille is in the room, but she jumps out of Logan's lap to hug her best friend that she hasn't seen in a long time. Every time they tried to coordinate a day to hang out, her schedule conflicted with his and vice versa. Actresses have busy schedules just like musicians do.

He's surprised to see her, but he's also glad too. Back when they still lived at the palm woods, they'd been tight.

She takes her spot by Logan again and James can't help but smile, he's happy to see his friends happy. Camille and Logan had been on and off for so long it was tiring. But now it's been six months and they're still on which is a definite improvement.

He and Carlos are still going stag. But Carlos doesn't object to love the way that James does. Carlos is probably the opposite, exactly the opposite of James. He gives his heart away too easily. He falls in love over and over again and he gets his heart broken all the time, but he never gives up hope that someone out there will love him forever.

James didn't lose that hope, he never had it. It was something he was missing, he was born without it. Or maybe it was taken from him, but either way, it wasn't here in his heart now. It was missing. Maybe he should post flyers?

Missing:

Have you seen James Diamond's heart? Reward.

Kendall comes out of the restroom and James asks him where Jo is.

"She's back at her place. We're going to have a romantic dinner, she's cooking my favorite."

Jo cooks like shit so James doesn't know what Kendall is talking about. He just nods.

All the boys still live together in the mansion they bought after leaving Palm Woods. They hardly live there though; it's mostly Mama K and her new husband. The boys haven't seen the point in getting their own places yet. Not when Mama K is there to make their breakfast every morning and keep their rooms clean while they're gone. They all kind of feel bad about having Mama K do all the things she does for them, especially since she got sick, but she always tells them not to worry, she enjoys the little things that she does for them. She makes them feel like they're still young. It's a feeling James doesn't want to let go. Because even though he isn't really afraid of anything, he's scared to let go of things that mean something to him. If they all moved out and got their own places then they would be growing up and that isn't something James isn't entirely sure that's something he's ready to do. Sure he's mature now but he kind of feel like he needs the boys to feel like he's at home.

Things would be weird without them. He's never been apart from them.

He's afraid to find out what might happen if they ever part.

They go on stage, and James still gets pre-show jitters because even though he's a cocky son of a bitch, he still wants to do well and impress his fans. He still gets scared that he'll mix up the words on his solo or that his voice will crack as it climbs an octave. But he's never messed up on the lyrics, and his voice has never failed him.

When James is up there, nothing else matters to him. He knows the crowd is there and he knows what he's doing, but it's like he's in this trance and he has tunnel vision, all he can do is focus on the words and the moves. He is perfection on stage.

Even though Kendall is the front man, James is dancing in the middle because he's the best at it. It's his voice in the background, adding emphasis and intertwining with the others, because it's so damn angelic.

That's what Katie told him. That his voice is angelic, she loves her brother, but she's always thought James was the best. There was this awkward phase when Katie had a crush on him, but it passed and the two are close again.

During 'Nothing Even Matters' James climbs off stage, because this is routine, he picks a random girl out of the crowd and brings her up on stage. They all do, and the four lucky girls get to stay backstage and meet them after the show for real.

James helps the girl onto the stage and he's twirling her around, and he's staring at her intensely, she's laughing and smiling, maybe even crying. James sings his solo to her, and when the song is over, he gives her a hug and she is escorted back stage.

The same routine is done by Kendall, Logan and Carlos. They finish the show and are hurried back to their dressing room so that they can wipe off the sweat and god do a little meet and greet with those of the fans that paid five hundred dollars to get backstage and meet them. Then of course, the four lucky girls as well.

There are maybe ten of them back there. And they are immediately attacked.

Girls are squealing as they hug him and ask for pictures.

"You smell so good!" one exclaims and James can only smile and thank her, he is the face of Cuda after all. What type of spokesman would he be if he represented a product line and didn't use it? James smells like a fucking dream. All the time, twenty four seven.

The girl that he pulled on stage has thanked him, taken her picture with him, and gotten his autograph and moved on to Kendall who is obviously her favorite. When James has a minute he scans the room, there is one girl who is not freaking out. Which James finds strange. When he approaches her, he has to compose himself.

James had never seen true beauty till this night.

She's petite, the word James likes to use instead of short or small, and she's got this wavy caramel hair that's falling over her shoulders. It's shiny and looks like it might even be softer than his. Which is saying something. Her skin is flawless and smooth, golden brown, baked by the sun, and light freckles are sprinkled across her cheeks and her nose. Her eyes are pale, pale blue, are her eyelashes are so thick that he wonders if they're fake. She's wearing dark denim skinny jeans, high top converse and a loose fitting Volcom t-shirt.

James has dated movie stars.

James has dated models.

James has dated world famous musicians.

But this girl, standing there, so plain but so beautiful makes him feel like he's been dating fat chicks with really bad skin and BO.

Her eyes are on him as he approaches and James, never the one to be at a loss for words can only say, "hey."

Luckily for him it still comes out charming and desirable, like he always is.

A faint smile blesses her lips and she only replies to him with the one word he said to her.

He wonders if this is what angels look like.

"Did you enjoy the show?" he asks. He wonders if she was pulled from the crowd or if she paid for the five hundred dollar ticket. Due to her lack of crazy fan girl enthusiasm he doubts she paid five hundred dollars for this.

She nods, "yeah, I was pretty surprised when Logan pulled me from the crowd, I was trying to get his attention, but so he would take Sophia, not me."

James gets his answer.

"Who's Sophia?" he asks.

"This little girl, she's only nine. But she loves you guys. She's my best friends little sister."

"Oh."

"Yeah, she's dying to meet you guys, but I promised I'd get her an autograph."

James feels impulsive and he wants to impress the beautiful creature so he says, "I can do better than that. Wait here."

James makes his rounds, he says goodbye to all the fans, saying that he's tired but he loves them and is so grateful to them all for coming. He tells Katie his plan and she agrees to tell the other guys.

The meet and greet will be over in ten minutes anyway.

James is bold taking the beautiful girl by the hand and leading her out. He makes sure no one catches it though. As they're leaving he makes a point to ask, "What's your name?"

"Hailey." She says.

He's still holding her hand but he's acting like he's forgotten it, his skin is burning though.

This is strange for James.

"Call your friend." James tells her. She lets go of his hand to do this, and James instantly misses her touch.

He listens to Hailey as she speaks. Her voice is beautiful. It's strong and confident, but delicate and sweet all in one.

James tells her to tell them to meet her behind the arena.

James and Hailey stand outside in the dark together for a few minutes in silence before they see them. Or Hailey does.

Hailey calls out to them and when they're only a few feet away the little girl screams. Hailey goes to meet them and says, "Want to meet a friend of mine?"

He watches with a smile, admiring how sweet Hailey is with the little girl.

"Sophia, this is my friend James Diamond."

James squats down so he's closer to eye level. He holds out his hand to her and when she takes it, James shakes it lightly. "It's nice to meet you Sophia."

He can see Sophia is blushing like mad. The little girl is so sweet and cute. She's got fiery red hair up in a high ponytail with long bangs, swooped to the side and pinned back, a lot like the way Katie used to wear her hair. It's not all too bright tout seeing as its past midnight and the street lights are dim and the arena lights don't reach all that far, but James can see that she's got bright green eyes and he can tell the little girl going to grow up and be very pretty. He tells her this.

James has Sophia introduce him to her sister. Her name is Melissa, and she's almost as excited to meet him as Sophia is. This is Hailey's best friend he thinks to himself. He's slightly amused.

James kneels down by Sophia and says, "You want to come with me and meet my three best friends?"

Sophia nods fiercely.

James takes the three girls to the tour bus where the other boys are now waiting to give the last of the night's attention to a nine year old.

While the other two meet Kendall, Logan and Carlos, James hangs back. He wants to talk with Hailey.

"So," he asks, "are you a fan?"

She smiles and says more or less.

James asks why she came to the show if she isn't crazy about them. She blushes for a second and James likes the way it colors her cheeks.

"Melissa bought Sophia a ticket, but there was type of deal going on, so she got me one too."

"What a good friend."

"She is. Good sister too." Hailey adds. "Their parents died two years ago, Melissa is all that Sophia has left."

James finds that he is touched by their story and he is glad that he made the decision to bring them back here because as he watches the other two, he can tell that they are ecstatic.

Hailey turns to James, "Can I take a picture with you?"

James smiles, he is more than willing to put an arm around her. She's beautiful.

"It'd be stupid to meet you guys and not get proof." She says smiling.

James puts and arm around and pulls her close to his chest like he's done with so many other girls for pictures, but something feels different having this girl in his arms. She is perfection.

Hailey holds the camera up and James smiles at it as it flashes. He watches Hailey look at the picture and smile. He is satisfied with himself.

When the night is done and Melissa is telling Sophia that she has to go home and get to bed so she can go to school tomorrow, Hailey turns to James one final time and she smiles up at him. She reaches up and pulls his head down, she kisses his cheek.

It's a sweet gesture, one that James hasn't been on the receiving or giving end of for a while.

"You're a good man." She tells him.

And then she's gone. But the place where her perfectly full pink lips toucedh his cheek is burning. And the words that she's left with him are ringing in his head.

No one has ever told him that before.

A/N: Chapter one, done. Hope you liked it. It is rated M mostly for language and later chapters.

I'm writing this because sometimes I just want to read a good story about James falling in love with a girl and being straight. No offense to all the slash writers out there.