Oh my god I have been working on this for what seems like a bajillion years. I swore I wasn't going to do any more MM oneshots, that I had too many ideas not to put something serious together, but then I had THIS idea and I just couldn't resist. I know the Frequent Kidnapper card thing has been used quite a bit, but here's my take on what the backstory is.

Can someone please stamp my frequent kidnapper card?

"I think your standards are slipping," announces Roxanne almost out of the blue, her voice as toneless and unintimidated as ever. Megamind barely looks up from his control panel – controlling one robotic ninja was enough of a challenge, let alone running five simultaneously. Roxanne coughs conspicuously loud.

"Your standards are really slipping, Megamind," she repeats obnoxiously, and on the TV monitor across the room, footage rolls of Metro Man grabbing one of the supervillain's robots by the foot, then swinging it around to hit a second robot slicing through the air. Both the 'bat' and 'ball' droids go flying and collide with two more of the unsuspecting robots, which pinball across to slam into the last of Megamind's latest project, which dully explodes.

"How's that for a home run?" the speakers either side of the screen kick out a tinny rendition of Metro Man's voice. Meagmind leans forwards and presses the intercom button.

"I call a foul ball!" he retorts, and pulls back with an assured smirk.

"Well I think it's time you change your pitcher," the speakers rebut, and Megamind looks thoughtful for a moment before his finger dives for the intercom button again.

"You know, Megamind," Roxanne interrupts brashly. "Your kidnapping standards are seriously slipping." It's enough to distract the evil villian, who turns around to look at her scathingly.

"Funny remark to make, Miss Ritchi, while you are currently being kidnapped," he points out aloofly, at which point Roxanne stands up from the chair she was supposedly tied to starts to beat the dust out of her skirt.

Megamind's jaw drops, and he looks at Minion questioningly, who shrugs.

"How did you-" he begins, and Roxanne holds up her hands to show a pair of corroded handcuffs, so ill-maintained that they simply pull open like paper chains. Megamind's face falls and he glares at Minion, who is meant to be responsible for such things.

"Not to mention," she adds, "the knock-out spray is starting to smell like feet, this chair keeps giving me splinters and last time you sat me under a leak in the roof." She points to a puddle a few meters away, and then crosses her arms. "I'm starting to think you don't care about me any more," she comments cattily, and the toe of her shoe taps impatiently on the floor.

"Ever-so sorry, Miss Ritchi," Minion starts to profusely apologise, and in seconds Megamind throws a wrench at the large mechanical gorilla-fish.

"Silence!" he barks, and then turns back to Roxanne. "Kidnapping is not meant to be a luxurious experience," he tells her sharply. "Perhaps this is all part of my new evil scheme."

"To what?" she scoffs. "Underwhelm me to death?" A leaky roof and uncomfortable chair was a significant step down from Megamind's last attempts to scare Roxanne – which involved lasers, spikes and a large drill.

"All right, Miss Ritchi," he retorts, whirling around an arm followed by an aerodynamic swish of his cape. "Let it never be said I didn't listen to customer suggestions. Your complaint has been duly noted within the vast catalogue of my mind, and I assure you that it will be addressed with the utmost haste and attention," he parodies insultingly.

"You could just say no," she deadpans, and he laughs with entirely too many hand gestures.

"Well I could, but where's the fun in that?" he says, quite clearly enjoying every second of his villany.

"Uh, sir," Minion interjects politely. "Metro Man approaches." Megamind almost looks disappointed that the end is coming so soon, and makes a jaunty farewell gesture with one of his leather-clad hands before a whistle beckons his hoverbike. With a leap beyond human physiology, he hops and twists aboard, revving the engine dramatically as Minion climbs on pillion.

"Ciao ciao, Miss Ritchie," he calls back to her, and they head for an open window in the abandoned building he's favouring recently as a kidnapping locale. "I'll take what you said into account."

"Maybe you could just not kidnap me?" she counters grumpily, sitting back down in the rickety splinter-giving chair and crossing her arms. Megamind laughs heartily and flashes her a grin of sharp blue lips and bright white teeth.

"Oh, you make me laugh," he chuckles, and then with a roar, he and Minion are gone.

The next time Roxanne awakes after a not-so-natural trip into unconsciousness, she's strapped to the same awful desk chair as last time, only now she's been taped there with duct tape – it's going to leave terrible marks, she realises sullenly, and then a sudden plop on her head lets her know she's been sat under the leak again.

"I don't think water torture is meant to go like this," she snarks, cross that she is going to have to wash her hair when she gets home. "What happened to addressing my complaints?"

She can't see Megamind, but assumes that he's there and can hear her; soon he drops into sight, abseiling down a chain from the floor above, through a hole in the ceiling that is definitely new.

"They are being dealt with in a timely manner, Miss Ritchi," Megamind announces as he drops to the floor, his cape billowing out behind him and then settling perfectly around his ankles. He makes an exaggerated gesture and withdraws from the end of one of his gloves, a small sheet of metal about the size of a business card.

The colour shifts from silver to blue to black as it catches the light, and she spots a number of squares scored onto one face as Megamind approaches. One of them is punched with his trademark logo.

"Behold!" he declares, flipping the card in front of her face and pointing to the engraved 'Miss Roxanne Ritchi' above the boxes. "The Frequent Kidnapper Card!"

Roxanne's face registers no emotions whatsoever, not even confusion.

"The what?"

"The frequent kidnapper card," he repeats caustically. "Allow me to explain, if your fragile human mind cannot comprehend the complexity of such a device," he narrates arrogantly. "Each time you are kidnapped, another of these eight boxes will be-"

"I understand how frequent customer awards work," she interrupts, much to Megamind's upset – he looks almost hurt by her rude interruption of one of his favourite evil pasttimes. "But what could I possibly get when the card is full?"

"Ahh, why that is the beauty of it," he gloats. "Once your card is filled, it will be exchanged for the executive premium super-kidnapping experience."

"I think that title needs more adjectives," she retorts cruelly. "And the reward for kidnapping is – more kidnapping?"

"Not just any kidnapping," he lauds. "The hyper-luxurious super-executive premium kidnapping package, Miss Ritchi."

"I didn't think kidnapping was meant to be a pleasurable experience," she questions sceptically.

"I never promised it would be," is his dark answer.

"Oh it's always a pleasure with you," she remarks with a sarcastic grin – the best way to grind on Megamind's nerves, she's discovered, is to give him all the wrong reactions. "You know I still get paid for the hours I'm kidnapped?" she adds perkily. Megamind frowns – his face reads like a child's book, and he is clearly unhappy she still won't play the damsel in distress.

He opens his mouth to speak, but at that exact moment the wall behind him explodes, and he goes flying over her shoulder into a gangly mess on the floor.

"Roxy! Don't panic – I'm here!" Metro Man bellows.

After he's ripped the tape off her hands, Roxanne gets up, and as Metro Man tapes Megamind up wrist-to-ankle, she picks up the card and unassumingly tucks it into her pocket.

With kidnappings occurring on an almost weekly basis, it doesn't take very long for Roxanne to fill her frequent kidnapping card; although, Megamind is suspiciously quiet about what is going to happen as he punches the last tiny 'M' on the slim sheet of metal. There are brief, shady mentions of the executive super-kidnapping experience, but Roxanne has no idea what that entails.

Until, of course, the day she leaves work one day to find a limousine waiting outside her office. Well, sort of a limousine. It only has windows at the front, and the rest is polished rounded bodywork that seems to be jointless, as if it's been carved out of a single huge slab of volcanic stone.

"What?" Roxanne murmurs, and behind her the voice of her cameraman Hal is no less disturbed.

"Who took my parking space?" he yelps irately, and half-way up the street the crumpled up wreckage of their news van steams sadly. "Nooo!" screams Hal. "All my stuff is in there! What the eff?" he storms, and then with a snarl lashes out a leg to kick the multi-wheeled vehicle. He screams, starts to smoke, and then falls to the floor in a sparking heap. The entire outside appears to be electrified.

A pop sounds, and then a rim appears at the front of the vehicle, which turns into a door, from which the driver steps out. Minion looks ridiculous in a suit, and the sunglasses keep falling off his tank.

"Miss Ritchi," he announces in a forced low, macho-man voice. "Your car is here."

"I take the bus," she replies coolly.

"I think you better get inside," Minion attempts to threaten, but his voice cracks half-way through and she almost laughs. "Please, Miss Ritchi," he requests in a hushed tone, covering the intercom on his suit with his hand. "Sir's worked ever-so hard on this, and we'd rather not use the spray on you this time."

"Why?" she challenges, and Minion gives her a predatory grin.

"It's all part of the experience," he answers proudly. "The executive kidnapping experience. Now," he insists again in his surliest voice, and gestures towards a door that has opened in the wall of the car. "If you wouldn't mind."

Roxanne sighs, and notes the aerosol-can shaped lump in Minion's jacket pocket. If she has no choice in the matter, she might as well just go along with it rather than wake up with a taste in her mouth like she's eaten an old trainer.

"Okay," she sighs, and maybe she is just a little bit curious about what an 'executive' kidnapping is anyway. "Let's go."

Inside the car she finds a luxurious black shagpile carpet, black leather sofas – in fact, pretty much everything is black. It's almost impossible to make out anything in the limo's interior, as it all blends into everything else. She gropes around for a seat, and the car silently shifts into gear and pulls away from the office block. Light jazz music plays through speakers somewhere, and she discovers an array of buttons by her side, each lit up with a single white light.

She presses the first, and the jazz changes to brash rock music, which she quickly flicks back off. The second turns down all the lights, until she can barely see her hand in front of her face, so that one goes back on too.

"So driver," she asks when one of the buttons wheels down a partition between the back section and Minion's driving seat. "Where are we going?"

"Still a kidnapping, Miss Ritchi," he answers dutifully. "Telling isn't part of the package."

"I wonder what is," she questions, but the visor just wheels back up, and when she tries the button again nothing happens. When she tries the next, a hatch opens and a pink-domed brainbot with a bow on its head pops out, and hums towards her eagerly.

"Don't worry, Miss Ritchi," Minion's voice pipes in from the speakers. "They won't harm you. This is-"

"Part of the package, right?" she finishes for him, and Minion's silence seems to confirm it.

The brainbot purrs up to her curiously, and when she raises a hand warily towards the sharp-jawed machine, it grabs her by the wrist with its mechanical arm.

She jumps in fright, but all that happens is the red eye of the robot examines her hands, and then opens its mouth, out of which pops a number of manicure tools. Much to Roxanne's surprise, the brainbot proceeds to trim, file and buff her nails, yapping impatiently for her other hand once its finished on the first.

She tries to track where they're going from the turns they take, but her mental map of the city isn't great, and she only knows they've been driving for about half an hour when the car grinds to a slow stop. She sits alone for a while, until Minion gets out and opens the door for her.

He gestures elegantly, and she cautiously climbs out into what appears to be a large empty warehouse or garage of some kind. From various corners brainbots swoop down, and though she flinches, they just bob around her bow-wowing with their strange electric voiceboxes.

"What do they want?" she asks Minion, who comes to stand by her side.

"They want you to go with them to the dressing room," Minion answers easily, and fails to notice the look Roxanne gives him.

"Dressing... room?" she queries, and Minion and half of the brainbots nod vigorously.

"Well yes," the fishlike creature answers. "You see your... current... outfit isn't really suitable for a premium package luxury kidnapping experience, you see."

"Unsuitable how?" she challenges, she's in her work clothes, and the conversation calls worrying Megamind-esque straitjackets into her mind.

"Not enough spikes, Miss Ritchi," calls out Megamind's distinctive voice from the far end of the room, where he strides into view, a brand new cape billowing. "You see, there is a dress code for the mega-luxury executive kidnapping experience, and I'm afraid your current... ehh," he grunts diminutively, gesturing to her clothes. "I'm afraid they just don't fit the bill."

"And what if I refuse?" she replies.

"Oh-hoh-hoh," Megamind chuckles. "You know, I was hoping you'd say that." He claps his hands together. "Brainbots! Miss Ritchie is ready for her fitting." Suddenly the brainbots around Roxanne zing into life, they scoop her under the arms and then lift her into the air as she yelps and tries to shake them off. They carry her across the room and through a long black curtain, from which come a series of squeals, curses and a thwacking of flesh on metal.

A minute or two later, Roxanne storms back out of the curtained section in a floor-length dress made from a similar material to all Megamind's capes, a spiked choker around her neck. She looks far from happy, though Megamind appears delighted.

"It's not every day a mere human gets to bask in the wonderful evil of my style," he compliments her – she thinks, while a distorting smirk twists half way up his face. "Now don't think about trying to go anywhere," he warns her, when her eyes flit around the room searching for some way out. "This is still a kidnapping, you know. Try to leave and you will suffer grave consequences."

"Oh really?" she fires crossly. "Try me." With a sharp turn she puts her back to him, her dress swirling out in an incredibly satisfying way, and she storms in the direction the car came from. She hears Megamind chuckle, and then a soft click.

When she takes another step, the shoes the brainbots belted onto her feet all the way up to the knees seem to bolt to the ground. She takes another, and that too sticks to the floor and will not budge. She scrambles for the fastenings, but they are all fixed with a device that only the robots can operate. Held in place like a living statue, she curses under her breath.

"I did try to warn you," Megamind gloats, and skips over to Roxanne, circling her cheerfully. "Do you give in?" he asks. "I can leave you here all night, or you can relent and enjoy the rest of your executive kidnapping package."

"I'm not sure I want to," she retorts, but her legs scream for release. "But okay, okay. Just shut these things off."

"Minion," commands Megamind, and with a buzz her shoes unfix, and she stumbles off-balance; before she hits the floor, Megamind catches her by the arm, not even straining though she falls on him with her full weight, and he sets her upright.

"There we go, all better," he coos, and Roxanne wonders what he'd do if she punched him. She stares and imagines graphically smashing her fist into his face; he just smirks. "I know I'm fantastically handsome," he interjects suavely, "but didn't you know staring is rude?"

Roxanne decides that's the last straw, and lashes out a hand to slap him hard across the cheek. He doesn't stop her.

"Naughty-naughty," he tuts, waggling his finger at her. "Honestly, if I didn't know better I would think this is the first time you've ever been kidnapped."

"Then I wish Metro Man would hurry up," she bites. "This is..." she's about to say the worst thing he's ever done, but then she realises that is what he wants – he wants to make her uncomfortable and cross, to torment and humiliate her. She's not going to give him the satisfaction.

"Go on then, do your worst," she challenges with razor-sharp sarcasm. "What's next? Gonna rub my feet into submission?" Megamind's eyes narrow, and from his lips tumbles an amused chuckle.

"All in time, Miss Ritchi. All in time." He turns from her with a whoosh, and strides towards the door he entered from. "With me," he instructs with a beckoning gesture over his shoulder. Roxanne doesn't move, and hears Minion sidling up to her side.

"Please," he murmurs quietly. "This is still a kidnapping, Miss Ritchie. We don't want to have to force you. Sir's really been excited about this."

Minion seems to have a strange assumption that they're somehow responsible for looking after Megamind together – or keeping him entertained, at least. She has serious grounds to believe that Minion isn't totally evil. In fact, she doesn't even think he's even remotely evil; he's just happy to do whatever makes Megamind happy.

Roxanne reminds herself that Minion has always been pretty good to her, the kidnappings and death threats aside, and she visualises Megamind standing in the other room, watching her on a monitor and laughing himself silly over her indecision. Her face tightens, and she shoulders past Minion towards the next room.

"Let's do this," she glowers, and throws open the double doors with a truly hammy amount of drama. She hears Megamind clap appreciatively from the other side of the room.

"Very nice, very nice," he appraises, slinging his weight to one side as he sits at what appears to be a dining room chair, only the back is eight feet tall and decorated with two foot spikes. "Take a seat, Miss Ritchi."

The dining table looks like a cross between a butcher's table and installation artwork; its polished stone top is ground down to such a fine point at the edge that Roxanne almost cuts open her hand when she puts her palm against it to sit down. The centrepiece is a brainbot adopting a number of threatening poses, although it occasionally breaks away and bow-wow's manically at Megamind, who has to shush it before it'll behave again.

Her own chair is very similar to Megamind's, just a little shorter so that it is still clear who is in charge, and as soon as she's sat down brainbots, with long waiter's aprons trailing below them like streamers on a kite, buzz into the room and set down a number of oddly shaped glasses and a truly bizzare assortment of cutlery in front of her and Megamind.

A last brainbot hums forwards and opens its mouth, from which the neck of a champagne bottle protrudes. It fills a glass on the table in front of her, and Roxanne tries to ignore the appearance of the robot regurgitating her drink for her. She picks up the champagne flute, although it is unlike any she has seen before, and studies it in the light.

"I've never seen a glass do this before," she remarks as she turns it from side to side; the entire flute is shaped in an irregular spiral, a seemingly impossible shape for glass to take, and when she studies it she finds no joins or giveaway markings.

"Oh, just a matter of blowing the glass right," Megamind says derisively, sipping from his own flute – which involves both tipping and twisting motions to coax the liquid from its receptacle. "I had a phase."

"Wait, so you mean you made all these?" she says, genuinely surprised. She didn't think Megamind was capable of making anything that wasn't garishly ugly or looked like a piece from a B-movie set; while slightly unusual looking, the glasses are actually artistic, even attractive, in their own warped way. The idea that he spends time doing things outside of being evil seems like a revelation to her, but then she realises how small her viewpoint must be.

"Minion certainly didn't," Megamind tells her haughtily. "He had no knack for it... Doesn't help that he has no lips either," he adds uninterestedly, and the image of Minion trying to blow down a glassblowing pipe through his tank unwittingly makes her smile.

"Well you can colour me impressed," she admits – to both their surprise. "You know, I didn't think you had it in you to do anything other than trying to destroy Metro Man."

"Oh, I was still trying to destroy Metro-Mahn," he scoffs. "What do you take me for? Some kind of slacker?" Roxanne rolls her eyes, and is amazed by how exactly Megamind fulfills her assumptions of him sometimes.

"My mistake," she sarcastically apologises. "Though, I'd be interested to know how all this contributes to Metro Man's defeat?" she points out with a sweep of her arm around the room, but Megamind only laughs.

"Ohhh your little humanoid minds," he chortles. "Is it nice having the comparitive mental capacity of a teacup? It must be so relaxing." Roxanne is about to take offence, but Megamind just lifts a finger and taps his own temple while giving her a sharp, sinister look. It's enough to make her stop, because although prone to fits of idiocy and a somewhat predictable repertoire, Megamind has created things beyond the understanding of the best minds in the world.

He has managed to escape Metro Man – something no one else can do – time and time again, and at the end of the day she can't deny he's a pretty smart... whatever he is.

By the time she's considered all this, but still found it insulting to be compared to a piece of tableware, he's already well into his next monologue, and the moment to argue with him has passed.

"...You see, this is all still part of one of my ingeniously evil plans to destroy Metro Mahn once and for all – your kidnapping is only a piece in the elaborate machine. The table service and glorious gift of my company while you are being held hostage are merely additional perks for your loyalty to the cause of evil," he explains, and it really does seem he believes he is doing her a favour.

"So the reward for kidnapping... is more kidnapping?" she summarises, and Megamind smiles generously.

"You understand!" he exclaims like a proud parent. "But not any kidnapping, such as the rest of the lowly feeble-minded sheep of Metrocity would experience – no!" he cries with increasing bravado. "You, Miss Ritchi, for your devotion to our service, get the-"

"-Executive kidnapping experience," she interrupts boredly just before he reaches the climax of his revelation; her intended result is achieved, because Megamind's face falls at having his best moment ruined. As he scowls, she tracks back in his speech. "Wait, so you're saying that I'm not one of the 'lowly-minded sheep'?" she questions with air-quotation gestures.

"I said 'feeble-minded'," he corrects aloofly, "and yes. Do you think I would keep on kidnapping you if you were of such idiot stock as the rest of Metrocity's residents?" he scathingly elaborates. "It is all I can do not to dehydrate and then ship to the desert the drone who makes Minion and my's coffee in the morning." Aside, as if to himself, he starts to rant about small-skim-no-foam lattes and large triple-shot-hazelnut-syrup-cappuccinos, but the majority of it is lost to Roxanne as total gibberish.

"That said," Megamind manages to interrupt himself, which is an unusual ability. "There are a few points you could do well to improve upon as a kidnappee – more screaming, for one," he starts to list. "Perhaps some wailing, shrieking, a little sobbing – but not too much. If you could say on camera you are terrified of my magnificent villainy, that would be fantastic, and..."

Where he has managed to produce a notepad from Roxanne has no idea, but he fingers frantically through the pages as he reels off more and more feedback. She waits patiently and silently for him to finish, and then when he at last sets the notebook down, she looks him dead in the eyes and gives her response.

"All right, Megamind," she begins coolly. "Let is never be said I couldn't listen to customer suggestions – your complaints have been duly noted within the vast catalogue of my mind, and I assure you that they will all be addressed with the utmost haste and attention."

At first he looks pleased, but as the sense of deja-vu turns from a tickle into an itch, Megamind realises his own scathing words being flung back at him.

"You could just say no," he replies sourly, a perfect mirror of Roxanne's own reply in that particular conversation.

"Oh, I could," she says with sarcastic delight, "but where's the fun in that?"

"Very funny," he proclaims insincerely, propping his chin in his hand grumpily. "I wonder sometimes if MetroMahn couldn't have chosen a more docile woman," he berates, and Roxanne is about to tell him she's not Metro Man's anything – until she remembers this is Megamind, and she doesn't owe him explanations for anything. He can believe whatever he wants to believe.

The silence is broken by the bow-wowing of brainbots, which pour into the room in single file gripping trays in their mechanical jaws. They set the table with a huge assortment of food from every culture and course imaginable. Between roast beef and a menacing curry heaped with chillies sits a bowl of doughnuts; to Roxanne's left sit spring rolls, and to her right jam tarts.

It's an unusual spread to say the least, and Megamind doesn't wait for her to start and goes straight for the doughnuts, taking a lamb kebab in the other hand and alternating between the two in a perfectly ordinary manner. He misses Roxanne's scathing look and proceeds to wash everything down with what her nose tells her is coffee.

"Not hungry?" he baits after he finishes his mouthful, reaching for a bowl of stir-fry and then pouring maple syrup over it. "Have some cake," he suggests, pointing to a double-layer sponge cake iced in blue.

"Mother told me never to start with dessert," she remarks dryly. Megamind snorts and reaches for a jar of pickled eggs.

"How fantastically dull," he comments, and somehow he's managed to clear at least three of the plates on the table already; he moves onto the curry, and chews through spoonfuls heaped with chillies as if he's eating breakfast cereal. "The public isn't watching any more, you know," he tells her as he wipes the remaining sauce from the bowl with a croissant, and then fixes Roxanne with a sinful look. "I won't tell anyone," he says darkly, "if you want to be bad and break the rules."

Roxanne rolls her eyes and props her chin in her hand. For an evil villain, Megamind is surprisingly naïve.

"Eating dessert before dinner is hardly a moral pillar of society," she points out sceptically. "Not to mention I've broken far bigger rules before." Megamind actually puts down what he is eating and flashes her a cheshire-cat of a smile.

"Ohh?" he purrs, and leans forward. "I'm intrigued."

"Maybe I'll tell you..." she tempts, running her fingertips around the rim of her glass. She lowers her eyes, then peers up at him coyly, as Megamind hangs on the edge of his seat, nearly slicing himself open on the table in the process. "If you let me go," she finishes, and the villain's face falls.

For a moment he's blank, and then his cheeks puff out, and then laughter tears out of him like he operates on a ripcord. He laughs until he's almost sick, puts his elbow in a bowl of rice pudding by mistake, and then finally mimes wiping a tear from his eye.

"Oh my," he chuckles softly. "How you amuse me, Miss Ritchie. Yours is not the position to bargain."

"Fine, fine," she replies uninterestedly. "Then you'll never know. Can you handle not knowing something?" she baits with a malicious grin – they both know the answer.

"Ohhhhh," Megamind hums with what he likes to imagine is his most intimidating supervillain look, "there are ways of making you talk."

"If only there was a way to make you shut up," retorts Roxanne, and finally bends to craving and reaches for a plate of battered fish. "What, I'm hungry," she shoots when he raises a pencil-line of an eyebrow at her. "This is my executive kidnapping experience, after all."

"Quite right," he concedes, propping his chin on his hand. "Not an everyday privilege, you know."

"Oh yes, I'm just thrilled," she parodies, "Why, I'm gonna go back to the girls in the office and tell them all about it." Megamind's face lights up, until he realises she is mocking him and has no such intentions. He sulks into a bowl of soup, which he liberally sprinkles with marshmallows, and finally Roxanne's curiosity snaps.

"How do you stomach that?" she asks at last, and Megamind quirks an eyebrow at her with a spoon sticking out of the corner of his mouth, which he carefully withdraws.

"Are you criticising Minion's cooking?" he inquires acerbically, and she can tell she treads a very thin line.

"No, no – and Minion cooked all this? I just mean, sweets and soup?" Not to mention that for such a wiry figure he's eaten a sickening amount, but Roxanne refrains from making a comment about it going into his head.

"Do you really need to ask?" he answers glibly, uninterested as he dips ribs in chocolate sauce, instead of the more traditional barbecue. Roxanne supposes not, when she thinks about it; for all she knows his tastebuds could interpret flavour entirely differently to the way hers do. It seems like a silly question now, so she avoids saying anything more about it as she carries on eating her mundane, almost depressingly normal food.

The sudden temptation to drown her fish and chips in apple sauce and sprinkles strikes her, just because why shouldn't she, but Megamind seems to bore of eating suddenly, tipping his chair back and heaving a sigh.

"Good work, Minion!" he calls out back, and Minion looms into view this time wearing a tope and apron reading 'Kiss the Chef', accompanied by a flurry of brainbots who clear the table whether Roxanne was finished or not.

"The pleasure is all mine, sir," he crows dutifully, and then turns hopefully to Roxanne. "Did you enjoy the meal too, Miss Ritchi?" For a heavily fanged alien creature, Minion glances at her with the heart-melting look of a puppy.

"Oh yes, it was, uh, great," she answers awkwardly. "Much better than the cafeteria at work."

Megamind and Minion scoff identically, as if the notion of normal people going about their normal lives could ever compare to anything they turn their hand to, and then with a few whistles a new hoard of brainbots drop down from the ceiling and fill all four of Roxanne's glasses with some kind of solution – one of which she is quite certain is bubble liquid.

"So," Megamind prompts slyly. "Now we have time for a little light chit-chat. Just long enough for you to tell me exactly how..." he breaks off, savouring the word as it rolls off his tongue, "bad, you've been, Miss Ritchi." It comes off like a chat-up line to worst all chat-up lines, and Roxanne can barely stop herself groaning.

"What, having dinner with Metro City's resident Supervillain doesn't qualify?" she retorts.

"This isn't dinner!" he splutters in a great show of being wounded. "This is a KIDNAPPING, Miss Ritchi, you should be fearing for your very-"

"Please," she interrupts barbarically. "I've had more threatening dates." As soon as she's said the word, she regrets it, because the realisation hits her with all the force of a forget-me stick. The car from work, the food, the clothes, even the playful banter – the entire night has been like one long date, a date with Megamind.

It seems to hit him too, because his mouth hangs open and his huge green eyes widen with alarm.

"Uh... uh..." he stammers, while Minion peeks at them through his mechanical fingers, which he's clasped around his bowl. "I..."

"I mean," she cuts in brashly. "Not that this is like a date or anything!" she delivers the line with all the subtlety of a child's play.

"No," he agrees furiously. "Absolutely not. No, uh, definitely nothing at all like-"

"I mean it's not like you got me flowers," she adds with a manic laugh, and Megamind's eyes somehow seem to swell even wider; Roxanne fixes him with a stony look. "Wait. You didn't."

"Define... flowers..." he murmurs awkwardly, and a brainbot unhelpfully swoops in carrying a terracotta pot on its head, from which a vicious looking plant with a bulbous blue flower sways threateningly.

"What is that thing?" Roxanne gasps, and pushes herself back from the table, accidentally slicing her palm on the razor-sharp edge. The plant suddenly lashes into motion, thrashing its leaves and straining towards her with a frantic squealing sound.

"It's part of the scheme to destroy Metromahn!" he yells. "I didn't mean it as a-" he breaks off, unable to find the words. "You know what I mean!" he snaps uncomfortably.

"Like hell I do!" she cries. "What's wrong with it?" The plant was by all appearances trying to drag itself down the table towards her.

"It's after your blood," Megamind explains matter-of-factly, and Roxanne scrambles out of her chair with such energy she knocks it over. "Oh relax," he huffs. "It just wants a little taste, it's designed to only attack Metromahn."

"Why are you giving it to me then?" she barks.

"Oh do I have to explain everything," he laments with a hammy amount of theatricality. "It was to lie in wait, innocent and innocuous in your domicile, until Metroman entered, at which point it bites and infects him with the toxin I designed to sap all of his powers."

"It bites?" Roxanne snatches up the fallen chair and positions it between her and the flower that is now foaming at the mouth – or whatever it has instead of a mouth. "You've had some crazy ideas, but this really-" she breaks away when Megamind clearly stops paying any attention to her, instead whistling for a brainbot to bring back a half-eaten plate of ribs. He picks a few of the meatiest from the rack, and tosses them to the flower, which snaps at them mid-air, and then settles down to start emitting some worrying grinding noises.

"Such drama," he sighs pitiably, and glances at Minion, who frankly looks like he's glad to be getting rid of the carnivorous flora. "If you don't like it-"

"I don't," she interrupts, and Megamind rolls his charismatic eyes.

"Then I will send it to the mayor," he says spitefully. "I'm sure he'll appreciate the exotic mastery of genetic engineering. Metromahn probably goes there more often anyway."

"Oh I'm sure," she agrees enthusiastically. "So now that's all sorted, I might as well be going..." She starts to back away, not trusting the plant enough to turn her back to the table, but Megamind sticks her with a severe look.

"Is it procedure to just walk out of a kidnapping?" he inquires sarcastically. "You go when I agree to release you, or when Metroman arrives. Not before."

"Okay then, so what's next?" she challenges as the remnants of her temper evaporate; Roxanne has had enough of this farce, and just wants to go home and quietly throw all her house-plants out of the window. "Chocolates? Some dancing, maybe? Walk me home?This is my executive 'kidnapping', right?" she frames the word kidnapping with her fingers sarcastically, and Megamind's tough persona washes away like water down a drain.

"You are twisting the situation!" he accuses shrilly. "Just because I have hosted you as a guest does not mean-"

"Hosted? What do you call this?" she argues, grabbing a handful of the dress. Megamind only looks more distressed.

"It was just-" he starts weakly.

"Just what?" she fires, and with a furious clumping of her steel-heeled boots on the floor, stomps around the table towards him. "Dressing me up like a-"

"Now SEE HERE!" he bellows suddenly, bolting to his feet and staring her dead in the eyes. "This little intimidation ploy isn't going to sit, Miss Ritchi," he hisses and very nearly spits on her. "You make of it what you will, twist my actions to resemble something they are not – I know it must be hard to resist me," he sneers, "handsome devil that I am. But-"

"Oh no," she cuts in. "Don't you try to pin this on me. You're the one who did all this – the dinner and the car and outfits."

"But you made the connection," he rebutts. "Your mind, not mine."

"Call an ass a horse – don't call it anything at all, and it's still an ass," she retorts, quite clear in that she's calling him an ass.

"Calling in the Calvary isn't going to help," he fumes, and raises a fist. He pounds it down, a single finger outstretched, just as Roxanne does something very similar. "Just admit you're attracted to me!"

"-Admit it's a date!" Roxanne yells, and takes a few moments to realise what's been said on both their parts. She doesn't move, stays frozen to the spot, almost a mirror image of Megamind, who remains in the same awkward pose. Eventually his eyes leave hers, drop and shift from side to side.

"This... this is awkward, isn't-?" he begins cautiously.

"Yes," Roxanne finishes before he can. "Horribly."

"Okay good. We're on the same page," he mumbles, and finally moves, tracing a hand across his forehead and turning away from her.

"Pretend it never happened?" she suggests politely, and he glances over his shoulder at her, nodding energetically.

"Yes! Oh thank god. I was just... I thought it would be a good... it's really not..." he babbles pathetically, tripping over himself to erase the entire trainwreck of an evening from record.

"Another of your genius plans backfires horribly. Nothing to report here," she snipes. "So I'll... just be going now?" she asks tentatively, but the defeat in his eyes suggests he isn't going to stand up to her again.

"Minion can show you out," he murmurs sullenly, understanding the game is over, that he lost before Metro Man even arrived, and putting his back to her again as he skulks towards the door.

"This way, Miss Ritchi," Minion says quietly, drawing close to Roxanne's side and fumbling for the keys to the limousine. "We'll have you home in no time. Very sorry about this, Sir just thought..." Roxanne looks up at Minion and almost feels a little ashamed; maybe Megamind was just trying to do something nice, even if it was in his own twisted way.

"Hey!" she cries, putting her hands up to her mouth and calling Megamind out just before he vanishes through the doorway. "I'll tell you the baddest thing I ever did, Megamind!" She sees him hesitate, one hand on the doorframe, he stops dead, waiting for her answer. "I went on a date with Metro Man's arch enemy!" She turns back to Minion and nods, allowing him to lead her away.

Megamind still leans against the doorway, counting the footsteps of his companion and Roxanne as they grow fainter and fainter. Then after he hears the slam of a door and rumble of engines, the corner of his mouth lifts into a crooked smile.

End

END AT LAST. AT LAAAAST. I think this thing almost killed me, no joke.