She always did this. Showed up unexpectedly and did something totally over the top that reminded me why I allowed her to treat me so shabby. Quinn was extremely romantic when she wanted to be. She had a way of looking at me that sent shockwaves through my body. A look that made me forget all the pain and the hurt my heart felt because of her. When we were alone her smile was enough to make me melt. I loved this side of her. The nice side, the warm and caring side. The side that called me before bed and told me I was her one and only.

The side I didn't like was the mean side. The bitchy side. She could be unnecessarily cruel when she wanted to be. It was a part of her that I just didn't understand. I never understood the anger. The rage boiling just below the surface. It never made sense to me why she liked hurting me. She did it randomly, always in public and with viciousness I couldn't comprehend. Just earlier today she'd called me Man Hands in the middle of the cafeteria. It was completely out of the blue and unwarranted. I wasn't looking at her, she hated that. I wasn't trying to talk to her in public, she detested that. I was minding my own business and she just blurted it out.

"Hey Man Hands, you all dressed up for the librarians ball or what?" It wasn't particularly funny but that didn't stop her disciples from laughing like hyena's at the comment. I had taken the time to make myself look extra nice today, it was her birthday after all. I put on the red sweater she'd bought me hoping seeing it would put a smile on her face since I wasn't allowed to give her gifts at school. The last time I'd tried she berated me for twenty minutes about how I was putting everything at risk, whatever that meant.

Having her tease me today of all days, while I was wearing her sweater and had taken the time to pull my hair back the way she liked it, hurt like hell. It hurt so badly I had to fake a sneeze so I could shuffle off to the bathroom to cry.

She pulled me off my bed and laid her cell phone on the nightstand. A soft guitar strum began to play and when I felt her wrap her arms around me I closed my eyes and pretended life could always be so simple.

She whispered lightly in my ear and I was so hypnotized by her warm breath against my neck and the cool words flowing out of her mouth that I didn't realize she was simply singing along to the song.

Why do I keep my mind

On you all the time?

And I don't even know you.

Why do I feel this way

Thinking about you every day

And I don't even know you.

When I see you on the street

My heart skips a beat.

I closed my eyes and we slow danced in the privacy of my bedroom. It always went this way. She did something to hurt me then showed up later that night to apologize with romance and sweet nothings whispered in my ear. It was always different. Today it was dancing. Last time it was a catered dinner while my fathers were on holiday.

I kept my eyes closed tightly and leaned my head against her shoulder until the song ended. She pulled away from me with a cocky grin that I wanted to say I hated but I didn't. I loved it. Confident looked good on her. She knew she was forgiven and it wasn't even up for debate.

"That's a beautiful song." I told her.

"It's called Natural High. It's a classic, it's by a group named Bloodstone. It's the kind of stuff people don't listen to anymore. I found it on Youtube and I thought of you, it's beautiful like you are."

I could feel my face begin to blush and looked quickly down at the floor in an attempt to hide it. She caught me however, wrapped a hand around my neck and pulled me into her for a kiss. I didn't fight her off. Her lips tasted like strawberry's and her breath smelled like peppermint. When our mouths met it was like Christmas morning. Excitement and the anticipation of more to come.

She pulled away too quickly and before I knew it she was sitting on the edge of my bed. She was never much for small talk. She never felt the need to explain herself to anybody, least of all to me. I used to think she thought of me as a plaything but had convinced myself to the contrary, although no legitimate evidence had proved me otherwise.

"Come sit down next to me." She instructed.

I obeyed sheepishly. I didn't have the guts to defy her. Our relationship was not a democracy. Quinn was clearly in charge. She made all the rules. She showed up when she wanted, she decided what we did when we saw one another. I had absolutely no say in what went down and strangely I liked it that way. Her domineering personality gave me peace, I liked not being in control in at least one aspect of my life.

She stared at me for a minute that felt like twenty and finally began to unsnap the buttons of my sweater. My body froze up. What was she doing? Was she going to take my clothes off?

I mustered my courage swallowed hard and looked into her eyes. "What are you doing?"

The question caught her off guard. I never resisted her. I wasn't resisting now simply questioning, but to her any independent thought on my part was defiance. Her eyes turned hard and her mouth formed a thin tense line.

"What?" She asked me.

I steeled myself. "What are you doing?"

"What now? It's been like ten months Rachel. Ten months is plenty of time."

"For what?" I asked her playing dumb. I had a pretty good idea of what she expected to happen. This being her birthday I suppose she thought the timing was perfect to get my clothes off.

She rolled her eyes. "You know what, forget it. God you're such a prude." She practically jumped off the bed and headed for the bedroom door. Was she pouting? Was she going to leave?

"Are you serious? Are you that much of a child?" I asked her hoping to hit her pride. It worked, she turned back to face me her eyes filled with anger.

"What the hell did you say?" She asked.

Uh, oh. I may have pushed it too hard. I did my best to continue my independent streak but I could feel my bravery waver.

"I said are you going to just leave because I'm asking questions."

She sensed my confidence shaking and crossed her arms with a smirk. "Yes."

"Why?"

She laughed. "Rachel we've been together for ten months, almost a year. A year of me giving you time to get ready to take the next step. I'm ready. I've been ready since day one. You should get with the program."

My chest began to ache. Was she telling me to get with the program? If I didn't just take my clothes off for her and give myself to her I was what? A prude? A tease?

"You can't be serious."

She made a snorting sound and uncrossed her arms. "Are you kidding me? I've been the perfect girlfriend."

Oh my god she's delusional.

"Zero, Thirty seven, and nine."

She looked at me as if I was speaking Yiddish. "What the hell are you talking about? What do those numbers mean?"

Of course she wouldn't know.

"Zero. The number of times you've told me you love me. Ten whole months and not once have you said I love you."

She didn't flinch. "Are you joking? I've said I love you plenty of times. I just did a minute ago."

Completely delusional. "You did not. You told me I was beautiful. That's not the same thing. You've told Santana she was beautiful does that mean you love her?"

"I've never called Santana beautiful. I said she was pretty. I've only used that word when I describe us. You and me." She began to shake her head as if this were something I should already know and just wasn't paying attention. "What about the other numbers?"

"Thirty seven. The number of times you've made me cry."

Her eyes widened with shock and surprise. "What? Since when did I make you cry?"

The fact that she didn't realize she could be so hurtful and cruel somehow made her transgressions against me that much more painful. She didn't even notice them. They were nothing to her. Silly words stated randomly at my expense for the amusement of her and her friends.

"Today. You made me cry today. Man hands? That hurt. I wore your sweater and wore my hair the way you like it and you just laughed at me with your friends. You didn't even care. I went to the bathroom and cried."

A look of genuine amazement seemed to come across her face. Did she not even realize what she was doing was mean? How could she not when all her friends laughed at me?

"You don't like that? I thought you understood. It's the only way I can say hello to you. Man hands Rachel. You don't even have man hands. Its stupid and not true. The fact that the other girls think it's funny is why I laugh. It's like they're telling you how much I love you too and they don't even know it." She said.

It was a completely ridiculous story. So ridiculous in fact that it was probably true. Why make up such a stupid lie? Was it possible that all her angry words and hurtful teases were meant as a sort of secret handshake?

"I can't believe you've been crying about this. Why didn't you bring it up before now?" She asked. It was a good question. Why hadn't I said anything before now?

I shrugged. "I don't know. You always came over to apologize later."

Quinn looked at me as if I'd broken one of the ten commandments. "What else aren't you telling me?"

Suddenly with the tables turned I felt the need to change the subject. My iron clad complaints crumbling at my feet I briefly considered taking my sweater off like she'd initially asked. Knowing Quinn like I did I understood this wouldn't distract her. Once her feathers were ruffled she was like a dog chasing a bone.

"Don't you want to know what nine means?"

She wasn't deterred. Her beautiful face staring at me as if it were etched in stone. "What else do you have a problem with?" She asked again, this time more forceful.

I felt silly and considered briefly that I was overreacting. "Nothing. You just aren't very nice to me. You don't want anybody to know we're together. I don't like the way this relationship makes me feel. I get not wanting to come out but I can't even speak to you at school. You're ashamed of me."

Quinn laughed. "I'm not ashamed of you. I just have a reputation to uphold. You're not exactly cool. I've told you to dress differently but you won't. You like your clothes. What am I supposed to do let us both get slushied everyday?"

"I haven't been slushied in months." I told her defiantly.

She continued to laugh. "About ten right?"

Shoot. Game, set, match. She should join the debate team. I bit the corner of my lip.

"What does nine mean?"

I was afraid to tell her now. Somehow she'd make me look silly I just knew it. She'd make it seem like I was overreacting and I'd feel like a fool.

She reached out and stroked my hair. "It's okay Rach, you can tell me."

"Nine. The number of times I've told you that I loved you and the number of times I wished and prayed that you'd say it back to me."

Quinn began to shake her head. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't care. I just don't know what to do with these feelings Rachel." She sighed deeply. "How am I supposed to deal with this? How do I tell you that I love you then go back to the way things were before?"

My heart skipped a beat. "You love me?" I asked. It wasn't exactly what she said but it was all I had right now so I jumped on it.

"Of course I love you baby." She reached over and stroked my cheek. "I love you so much. That's why I wanted to see you today to show you how much. I wanted us to share something special. I thought that maybe you'd want to show me how much you cared today. I wanted today to be special."

My heart melted in my chest. "I never said I didn't want to." That was true. I had never said no but I was thinking it. Up until a second ago the answer had been a firm no. Now it was a weak maybe, a very weak maybe bordering on yes.

She smiled her golden smile at me, her pretty green eyes glowing. "Do you want to see what I bought for you?"

I nodded like an eager child hungry for attention. She was on her feet and unzipping her Cheerios top before I knew what was going on. She pulled it over her long blonde hair and tossed it carelessly to the corner. I wanted to stop her but my mouth had gone dry and I wasn't able to form the words. She unzipped her skirt and let it fall to her feet. She wasn't wearing her Cheerio's spankies. Instead she was wearing a pair of white sheer lace panties that quickly solved my dry mouth.

"What do you think?" She asked me.

I nodded still unable to form any useful words.

"Good. Now you." She said.

I hesitated just long enough for her brow to arch with interest. "Do you not want to do this? Its okay if you don't." The words were right but she spoke them while running her hand down the side of her rib cage then slowly over the top of her panties. My eyes followed the movement and I realized right away that I wanted to see what was underneath those panties.

"No, it's okay. I've just never gotten undressed for anybody before."

She smiled. "It's okay, come to me, I'll do it for you."

I stood up and took the few short steps to her. She didn't waste any time unbuttoning my already half unbuttoned sweater vest. She took more time with my white shirt, carefully taking her time on each button careful not to loose eye contact with me.

With my shirt and sweater unbuttoned she carefully pulled them off my shoulders and tossed them to the floor. I stood in front of her in my bra, my nipples rock hard with anticipation. She ran a finger over the smooth fabric covering my breasts and stopped when she reached my nipple. I moaned with excitement and like an alarm she pulled her hand away quickly.

My plaid skirt was next. She got down on her knees and unzipped it, tossing it into a pile with my shirt and sweater. I hadn't worn tights today. Instead choosing to wear a pair of green knee socks that Quinn didn't bother with. My underwear didn't match. I was wearing black panties and a plain white bra, hardly the sexy outfit Quinn was wearing. She didn't seem to mind though. She hooked her thumbs into the sides of my underwear and gave them a tug. They only went down a few inches but it felt like my security was suddenly stripped away.

I'd never asked Quinn if she'd done this before but when her mouth kissed the skin directly below my belly button I let the subject drop. It didn't matter. I moaned again but she didn't pull away.

"That's what I want to hear. Tell me what you want me to do."

I had no idea what I should say. This was all new to me. I'd had dreams about us in bed together but it was mostly cuddling and kissing. I didn't have any points of reference to work from. This was the furthest I'd ever gone with anybody. Boy or girl.

"Keep kissing me." I said softly and unsure of myself.

She tugged my panties down a few more inches and her kisses followed. These kisses were different, more intense. Her tongue ventured cautiously below the line she was holding with my panties. I had the sudden urge to yank them down all the way but chickened out. She'd think I was some sort of pervert.

"Tell me you want me to kiss you some more. Tell me it's okay." She said. It sounded like an order and I was more than happy to comply.

"Kiss me some more. Everywhere." I finally managed to tell her.

"Hmm. Everywhere?" She asked. "You naughty girl. If you want me to kiss you everywhere you have to lay down." She pulled away from me giving me room to climb into bed. She watched me for a second then flicked the lock on my bedroom door.

She walked over to the bed and climbed in beside me. The first thing she did was reach for my bra. "Can I?" She asked as she grabbed the clasps in back.

I nodded yes sheepishly.

She pulled it off without much trouble then kissed me between my breasts. My heart fluttered but she didn't let up. She made a long line of kisses down my abdomen and I felt as if my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I could feel myself tightening up the closer she got to my underwear.

"Everywhere?" She asked me.

There felt like a lump of coal was stuck in my throat. "Everywhere." I managed to make out. She didn't hesitate this time, there was no inch by inch game being played with my underwear now. She grabbed them and gave them a slow yank down leaving me completely naked and vulnerable.

She ran her hands up my inner thighs making my body jump with anticipation. When she reached my folds I bit down hard on my bottom lip. I was wet, almost dripping, or at least that's how it felt and I closed my eyes, suddenly embarrassed knowing she knew what it was and what it meant.

"Wow, somebody loves me." She said playfully.

Her joking eased my shame and I let a smile cross my lips. "A lot."

"Tell me what you want me to do again. Kiss you?" She asked.

"Kiss me." I repeated suddenly much braver. My horny teenage mind taking over. My common sense had lost out to my hormones.

"Everywhere?" She asked again.

I nodded. "Everywhere."

Quinn at least had the decency to cuddle with me afterwards, she let me lay in her arms until I fell asleep. I woke up after an hour feeling like a pervert. I'd never expected losing my virginity would be so emotional. Every nerve of my body was on fire. My mind was going in a thousand directions but my head was cloudy and dazed. I'd always heard that the first time would be awkward and clumsy. I'd been told that boys needed practice. Did that mean girls didn't. Quinn didn't need practice.

"Look babe, I have to skate." She suddenly told me. Her voice was distant and she sounded distracted. It was how I imagined people spoke after one night stands. Look, babe, I got an early meeting but this was fun. "I got Cheerio's in the morning I have to get home." My heart panged in my chest. Ouch. She pointed to her lips and ordered me to kiss her.

I felt awkward with the demand. I wanted to kiss her but I hadn't brushed my teeth. I hadn't brushed my teeth, and not fifteen minutes ago I'd had my mouth in places that were now making me blush just thinking about them. I ignored the thoughts and planted a kiss on her.

"Will I see you tomorrow at least?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "Maybe." She was out of bed and getting dressed again. "I may get tied up with Santana and Brittany after school, we're going to Breadstix."

I wanted to tell her to invite me but I chickened out. "Will you call me?"

She was already zipping up her Cheerios top. "Sure. I always call you babe."

"Do you love me?" I asked, suddenly needy.

I expected her to laugh at me and walk out the door with her grin. She grinned but she didn't leave. Instead she shook her head. "I didn't say all that just to get you into bed Rachel. You're so silly." She walked over to me and kissed me on the cheek. "Get some sleep. I'll let myself out."

She was out of the door and down the stairs in seemingly record time. I heard her car start in the distance and when she pulled out of my driveway I realized she hadn't answered the question.