Author's Note: This is a guide and a parody; characters are purposely OOC. FLAME ON!
This isn't my normal writing style, but I'll give it a try... Hope you like it! Once again, this is a parody, so it's supposed to be stupid, yet interesting (there are actually - obvious - tips in here).
Warning: Rated T for swearing and certain scenes (which suck); contains lame jokes and - hopefully - tips on how to get yourself a girlfriend. It is also incredibly stupid. Read on...
Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own the Hunger Games. In the future I'll create my own trilogy, though...
-A Guide on Girls-
*Tips*
By: Finnick Odair
Introduction: This is pure genius!
I have made a recent discovery! Yes, this piece of beauty must be shared with everyone tonight—oh, wait, you're reading this! Finally, my artwork has made it's appearance! Perfect…
Words From the Author: Hello, gentleman! My name is Finnick Odair—the one and only—victor of the 65th Hunger Games! And yes, I am here—always will be—to give you advice on *drumroll*: Girls!
Yes, that is right! What really goes on through the female mind? It's a mystery. All of you poor suckers (not really) will get advice from the king (*cough* more like peasant) of flirting! So, grab a seat and read this guide I am about to give you… (Give you? Oh, wow)
WARNING: There is a 50% chance of getting a girlfriend; the other 50% will get your ass kicked by her in a horrible way. If you're a lady, then go away (there is not a guide anywhere you have mistakenly stumbled upon this). *Finnick Odair is not responsible for any castrations, deaths, burns, lack of intelligence or murders of men because of this product. This guide has been safely tested on Peeta Mellark, Haymitch, Gale Hawthorne and Finnick himself. There will be no refund*
Thank you for buying this guide which costs $999.99!
-You opened part one and began to read it out loud-
Part One: How to get a girl to notice you.
Girls are like fish. The big ones are tasty (sharks included), the smaller ones hide, and there's plenty in the sea... But which one do you want to eat?
Girls are different; it's hard to know what's going on through her mind. It all depends on what she looks for in a boy (such as carnivores and their prey). Notice the way she looks at you - that is, if she actually looks at you.
Think about it: why do you like her in the first place?
Don't be a man whore or a perv. Most chicks DON'T dig that (unless they're sluts)
The good boy method is soo last year! Girls want someone who's fun, wild and willing to be...mysterious. We are movies to them; there's a beginning, a middle, and hopefully, she'll want more at the end! There's got to be suspense, action, and - of course - romance. Hell, even throw in some horror for your delight!
Tip #1: Insult her, insult her, insult her then compliment her.
Actors used: Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen.
"Yo, dumbass, get your freaking butt in here you little bitch!"
"Excuse me?" Katniss stared at Peeta, her expression priceless.
"Yeah, you heard me, Cat Nip," Peeta examined her face. "God, you look like a freaking monkey—no wonder why Gale thought you were ugly as hell!"
Katniss was shocked. "W-What? Monkey? Gale thought I was ugly as hell?"
Peeta snickered, "Hell yeah he did, Cat Nip. Hey, make yourself useful and get me some cake!"
"But I don't want to get you any stupid piece of cake…"
"You're so stupid! You freaking smell like garbage, you freaking bitch! Get your hippo-ass up and get Papa what he wants, Sweaty."
The grey-eyed lady shouted in bewilderment, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU FREAKING DOUCHE BAG! HOW COULD YOU TREAT ME AND CALL ME NAMES LIKE THIS? I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!" Katniss threw a tantrum, stomping her feet on the ground, angered; she started charging, so he can punch her, but then, Peeta said something that stopped her:
"Wow, you're so beautiful when you want to rip me apart; and sexy when you're feisty." As Katniss stopped, Peeta kissed her hand, smiling at her.
"Oh, Peeta, that is so sweet of you—"
"Where's my cake?"
"Oh, right, going to get it right now! Oh, and Peeta... I love you!"
Pros: She'll be drawn to you (look above)
Cons: If Katniss wasn't acting, she would've beat the shit out of Peeta (which can happen to you)
Tip #2: Be unpredictable.
Actors used: Effie Trinklet and Haymitch.
"So, where are you going today?"
"The Bar."
That figures…
-Next Day-
"So, where are you going today?"
"I'm going to play golf."
Wow, that was unexpected…
-Next Day-
"So, where are you going today?"
"I'm going to watch Panem's Top Model and watch them get naked,"
"They won't get naked…"
"Then it looks like I'm going to the Justin Bieber concert!"
Only real men watch Justin Bieber! Is it just me, or is he getting hotter?"
-Next Day-
"So, where are you going today?"
"In your pants…"
Oh, wow...
Pros: She'll think your mysterious and unpredictable, which is a good thing.
Cons: You'll end up getting a stripper pregnant/Justin Bieber will fall in love with you.
Tip #3: Pretend that you don't care.
Actors used: Gale Hawthorne and Madge Undersee.
"Sorry, Madge, but I can't do anything about it! I'm busy, okay?"
"You don't care about me!" Madge cried, "We're over Gale Hawthorne!" And with that, she ran away…
"No, wait, Madge, come back! I LOVE YOU! I DO CARE - "
"Oh, so you lied to me?"
"..."
Pros: She'll become obsessed with you.
Cons: She'll end up falling in love with your rival or beat the shit out of you. Again.
Tip #4: If she's Katniss, make sure you use a pickup line that's related to her…
Actors used: Gale Hawthorne and Katniss Everdeen
"Hey, Katniss."
"Hi Gale. What'cha doing here?"
"I just came here to see the girl on fire... Damn, she's smoking hot!" Gale winked at Katniss, giving her a grin.
She looked at him in disgust. "Gale, you're a failure at pickup lines. This is why I chose Peeta over you..."
"Oh, then what about this: You have burned me - "
"Fail."
"You're hot - and it's just not 'cause you're the girl on fire - "
"Overused and retarded."
"You so smoking - "
"Already said that."
"Girl you - "
"Get a life."
*Pros and Cons may vary; this girl is unpredictable*
Tip #5: ...If it's Johanna, make sure you don't scare her to death...
Example One:
"Oww!" He cried, his knee bleeding like heck. The boy looked up, staring at a brown-eyed girl who was rushing to him, bending down.
"What happened?" she asked.
"I-I fell for you!"
"What?"
"I have fallen for you!" And with that, Johanna started punching the s*** out of him.
Example Two:
"WHAT THE F*** YOU B****! *** *** *******! S***, SCREW YOU D*******! DO YOU THAT I ALMOST GOT A F****** S***** HEARTATTACK YOU D*******? I'M GOING TO F****** KILL THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR F****** D******! YOU'RE SUCH A P****, B****A**! I'M GOING TO SKEWER THE F****** S*** OUT OF YOUR F****** FACE! WHERE IS MY F***** B***** AXE? Oh, there it is..."
Johanna started to punch on the s*** out of the poor boy, literally killing him with the axe...
I week later...
"Funeral..."
*Pros and Cons may vary; this girl is just as violent as Katniss*
Tip #6: DON'T be yourself; be someone else!
Actors used: ***actors vary***
Peeta is a pathetic boy who was named after food. He's fat, and terribly stupid (he is BLONDE); he's weak...and fluffy. Very, very fluffy. In fact, he's poor. In order to get a super model to marry him, Peeta will pretend his name is Thor, who is a god. He'll take dance lessons so he can lose weight and life flour more; he'll have a chip implanted in his brain (if he has one). Then, he'll rob a bank...
Gale is perfect; he has muscles, fame and fortune, a brain and excellent hunting skills. 'DON'T be youself; be someone else!' This young man will pretend to be a hobo who is poor in order to marry Katniss Everdeen who is a snob and wants a guy with with muscles, fame and fortune, a brain and excellent huntings skills...
Haymitch is just retarded.
Pros: You'll be a Peeta.
Cons: You'll be a Gale.
Tip #7: Be good at everything.
Actors used: Finnick Odair
Finnick is the best at dancing, singing, stripping, playing, and catching! He excels in weaving and burning himself; he's smart, and strong... Every girl likes him!
He's good at everything!
Pros: You'll get the girl's attention.
Cons: Finnick will kill you.
Tip #8: Be a Peeta... Not a Gale
-This scene has been removed for certain purposes-
Tip #9: Make Her Jealous
Actors used: Peeta, Katniss, Gale and Madge.
"Look, there she is...with him." Gale said with disgust, pointing at Peeta.
"Gale, I'm not sure if we should do this - "
"Come on, let's go..."
Additional tips (with no scenes):
- Be a Hunger Games victor
- Take her out to see Harry Potter
- Be an Iconic Boyz member (girls like boys who can dance)
- Be a sparkling vampire from Twilight
- Be attractive, but remember: You're not Tayler L.
- Jump off a hill
- Put a video of yourself on youtube
- Insult her cooking
- Be an animal
- Be Justin Bieber
You just read something incredibly stupid. :)