Title: Spring Cleaning
Rating: T for safety.
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Romerica, Asakiku
Summary: America drags in 3 other nations to help him clear out his house. Crack from a random object generator. Romerica, Asakiku.
Warnings: Crack. Like, duh.
Notes: I was seriously bored and wanted to type something. So here you go. The Romerica and Asakiku might only be obvious if you read this fic upside-down at 9000% magnification plus squinting. I apologize over not updating EGAB, but despite it being a crackish fic, I just got no ideas, so it's on hiatus indefinitely.
"Okay, so, help me out here, would you?"
Assorted nations were standing in America's living room. There were four to be exact; America (obviously), Italy Romano or South Italy, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland also known as England since that was a mouthful and Japan.
"Why do we have to help you, bastard?"
"Ro~ ma~ I can't do this alone!"
"Sure you can. If you can pull a Rolls Royce for hours without breaking a sweat, spring cleaning shouldn't be a problem."
"B-but I need you to help me see what to keep and what to throw! Maybe we could have a garage sale too! Oh and the garage is, um, off-limits."
"… why do I get the feeling that's the worst place?" England rubbed his temples. "And I don't even know how I got dragged into this."
"A-ano… should we not get started soon?"
"Alright! Let's start with that corner!"
The first things extracted were a flowerpot, a pair of snowshoes and a weed.
"… America. Why do you have a plastic weed of all things?" Romano looked at the thin strip of plastic incredulously.
"Uh, I dunno?" He had a blank look on his face.
"A flowerpot. An empty flowerpot. In your living room," England eyed the thing critically.
"I think I got it and didn't get round to planting that weed in there. You can have it, Iggy."
"Don't call me that! And why do you want to plant plastic?"
"America-san…? What…?" Japan held up a large pair of snowshoes and looked at them uncertainly.
"Alaska gave me those. I think. Or was it Russia?"
"You can't even be sure if your states personified?"
"There's fifty of them. Onward!"
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THIS? !"
"I WAS IN A HURRY, ROMA! DON'T HIT ME~~~"
The item in question was a half-eaten Quaker's bar. "I even cooked for you quick meals and you still resort to these!"
"Romano-kun, you cook for him?" Japan looked over with interest.
"I – I – " he began stuttering incoherently.
"Yeah, he does! He loves me, you see!" America gave his boyfriend a rather charming smile.
"CHIGIIIIIIIIIIIII! FUCK YOU, HAMBURGER BASTARD!" the southern half of Italy started hyperventilating, his face a flaming red.
"… I hope, for Romano's sake, you didn't eat these as well," England held up a bag (opened) of cat treats.
"Oh, that's for Americat! … where is he? Roma, did you see him?"
"NO!"
"I think I found him…" Japan hefted up a rather obese cat, whose fur was wet from some unidentified source. When the Asian nation looked closer at the squashed items which were underneath the dozing cat, he paled. "America-san, you had poison berries. Five, to be exact." He was also wondering, What else does he have here?
"Oh. How did those get there?"
The other three gave him looks. Since he was a true blue AKY (which would mean the inability to read the atmosphere) most of the time (when would he not be oblivious though?), he was unable to read them. "What?"
They shook their heads mournfully and returned to their task.
Romano became increasingly aggrieved when a half-eaten jar of peanut butter was found, which he ragged America about. Japan unearthed a silver spoon which he returned to its appropriate place in the kitchen. England in the meantime discovered a carpet steamer which he used briefly on America's own lavish carpet. Beneath that was an afghan, which America explained he bought it on a trip somewhere and forgot about it. Romano eyed it critically – it was a tasteful shade of blue, which was unfortunately spoiled by a shocking red border – and ordered it to be thrown out or sold. There was also a lonely, forgotten book of atrocious quality (making one really think where the superpower got his stuff from) and a SCUBA tank.
"Really." Both Romano and England wanted to lie down, even though they've hardly begun.
"I went diving," he blurted.
"No shit, Sherlock."
"America-san, I found… a toilet paper roll."
"Huh? The bathroom's all way there."
"It walked," Romano made sure to inject his voice with as much sarcasm as possible.
"Hey, that'll be totally cool!" And as one might expect, it completely passed over America's head. "I think Tony did that though."
"Where is that… thing anyway?" England made a face.
"On an intergalactic mission, I think."
"I don't get what you see in that burnt scone," Romano mumbled.
"Aw, don't worry, Roma! No one can replace you!"
America was briefly put out-of-commission by the half nation's punch. Upon his recovery, a pair of (mismatched) socks were discovered. "I think your socks are all here."
"So that's where they went to!"
The other three nations heaved resigned sighs. A skull and crossbones bangle was then found. "I did not know you liked this sort of thing, America-san," Japan was recalling the times the nation freaked over the littlest sign in horror movies.
"That's Iggy's from his punk days," America snorted, laughing hysterically as England's face began to turn red from an unidentifiable emotion.
"America," he began in a low, dangerous tone.
"What is inside this cardboard box, America-san?" Japan swiftly intervened before their (meagre) progress could be destroyed by a scuffle.
"Give me a sec," he tore apart the top of the box. Inside were another trashy novel and some ceramic figure. The figure had a crack or otherwise fine. However, having an eye for this sort of thing (he is Italy, after all), Romano wrested the item from America and dumped it none too gently back into the box. "I will never allow that to be on display," he huffed.
[A/N: Feel free to imagine what it was.]
They continued digging through the admittedly quite intimidating corner, now that they've discovered a whole lot of items and they weren't even close to done yet. There was some colourful swearing when someone (they kept trying to pin the blame on everyone else) somehow or other managed to hit a pipe hard enough to burst it, making an impromptu river. Of course, it soaked anything else that was under that ominous pile.
"Why the fuck was the pipe so close to the freaking pile anyway?" Romano shrieked, wanting to pull out his hair in frustration.
"I don't know!" America's eyes were wide as he tried to plug it.
"If you don't know, who does? !" England yelled.
"England-san! You're going to break the fourth wall!"
"Uh – " he looked around.
"But she's the reason why – " America began.
[BEEP]
A dining table from IKEA was also found. After the previous few seconds, the four nations were quite subdued. "I thought you made stuff yourself?"
"… yeah…"
"… I guess I better not ask then."
"That's… a great idea."
Japan said nothing. He found an Empire State Building souvenir. They exchanged looks and decided to continue their silence. Then Romano managed to dig out a ring.
"What's this doing here?"
When America saw it, his cheeks turned pink. "Oh. I meant for that to be missing."
"… why?"
"I, uh… MARRYMEROMANO!" he blurted.
He promptly received another punch by a hotly blushing Italian, who would have continued pummelling the hapless nation if said nation hadn't proceeded to pin him down and kiss him senseless. The other two in the room made strangled sounds and turned away, blushing as well.
"Let's… get ourselves some tea."
"Yes, we should."
CLOSING WORDS: So, yeah. Thought I should try posting something even if it isn't EGAB. For the lulz, the objects were generated at ht tp: / /www dot gkbledsoe dot com/articles/ process/writing_prompt_ generator dot ht ml. Just remove the spaces and replace "dot" with ".". I actually generated more, but there were repeats and it would probably get old if I stretch it too long. The other items were:
- A glass of root beer
- A jar of peanut butter
- Someone's blog x3
- A winning lottery ticket x2
- A can of soda
- A down comforter x2
- Some building blocks
- A cardboard box x2
- A skull and crossbones
- Some peppermint candy
- An old quilt
- A bowl of apples
- A spy
- A zucchini squash x2
- String
- A chocolate doughnut x3
- A bowl of cereal x2
- An unwanted phone call
- A small bird x3
- Canned peaches
- A pair of snowshoes
- A pair of earphones
- A gray tabby cat x2
- A thesaurus
- A stepping stone
- A laptop computer
- Cat treats x2
- A fishing fly x2
- Pocket lint
- A camellia blossom x2
- An iPod
- A hamburger wrapper
- The Ace of Diamonds
- A steak knife
- A silver bell
- A ceramic figurine
- Granola
- A hockey puck x2
- A calendar x2
- A comb
- A dining table x2
- A pair of socks x3
- A picnic bench x2
- Five poison berries
- An island
- A mirror
- A candle stub
- A cabin by the sea
- A piece of broken glass
- A river
- The Empire State Building
- A banana cream pie
- A wishbone
- A tulip
- A fishing rod
- A flat tire
- Spaghetti
- A poem
- Three oranges
- A jersey cow
- A flowerpot
- A new doll
- The gardener x3
- A bathroom rug x2
- Three gemstones
- A garden pond
If you want, I generated a random plot as well. If you're up to it (and bored enough to try too), here:
The Protagonist: A writer
The Antagonist: Carnivorous plants
The setting: A secret hideout
Goal: To be an astronaut
An important event: A mysterious phone call
An important object: A homeless cat
Have fun. And if you really do one, send me a link, will ya?