And now it's time for Bum Reviews. With Chester A. Bum

Tonight's review...Halo: Combat Evolved

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OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE!

Aaaaa-aaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaa-SPOILERS!

There's this ship called the Pillar of Winter!

And it's running away from THE COVENANT!

AND THE CAPTAIN'S LIKE:

"Did we get away?"

"We did, captain sir!"

*Covenant ship shows up*

"Scratch that sir."

"Wake up the Master Chief."

AND THE MASTER CHIEF IS LIKE:

"Okay, I'll fight the Covenant...but first I need to go pee. Just woke up, you know how it is."

AND THE COVENANT IS LIKE:

"All ur ship r belong to us."

AND THE CAPTAIN'S LIKE:

"Here. Take this hot holographic woman. We can't allow her to fall into Covenant hands."

"Why? Because the Covenant have tentacles and want to make the holographic woman the star of their newest porn film?"

"Actually, it's because of the Cole Protocol, but that's a good reason too."

So the Master Chief and a bunch of red shirts I MEAN marines climb into an escape ship.

AND THE PILOT'S LIKE:

"Don't worry, we'll make it!"

And then the ship crashes and they all die.

WHAT A TWIST!

But Master Chief lives and gathers more red marines after landing on a giant ring.

AND THEN:

They go save the captain!

AND THEN:

They go attack the cartogamapher!

AND THEN:

They go attack the control room!

AND CORTANA'S LIKE:

"Oh no! There's something bad going on in the swamp! You need to get there Chief!"

"What is it?"

"Just get there!"

"Okay, but shouldn't you tell me what I'm up against?"

"Go!"

"Really? You can't even spare five minutes to-"

"JUST GO!"

"Alright, alright! God!"

And then Chief goes to the swamp!

Where he meets THE FLOOD!

But then an annoying telemarketer trapped in a floating ball rescues him!

He explains that Halo is a superweapon created by an ancient and extinct race to eradicate the flood.

So it's basically a giant can of raid.

HALOS KILL FLOODS DEAD!

And they go to a library!

I WENT TO A LIBRARY ONCE!

I died over and over over again due to poor design.

But enough about spring break, back to the game.

So they get the index and telly-port back to the control room.

AND THE TELEMARKETER'S LIKE:

"Do it!"

AND CORTANA'S LIKE:

"Don't do it!"

AND THE TELEMARKETER'S LIKE:

"Do it!"

AND CORTANA'S LIKE:

"Don't do it!"

AND THE TELEMARKETER'S LIKE:

"Do it!"

AND CORTANA'S LIKE:

"Don't do it!"

AND THE TELEMARKETER'S LIKE:

"Do it!"

AND CORTANA'S LIKE:

"Don't do it! The Halo ring is actually superweapon that destroys all sentient life in the galaxy!"

AND MASTER CHIEF IS LIKE:

"Jesus, bitch! Why didn't you say that in the first place!"

So the telemarketer tries to kill Chief and Cortana.

And then, they decide to blow up the Pillar of Summer's engines to destroy Halo, but they need the Captain's implant to do it.

So they go back to the ship to find that the captain has been turned into a BRAIN FLOOD!

AND THE MASTER CHIEF IS LIKE:

"We should have a moment of silence."

.

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.

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.

.

.

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"Alright. Let's rip his brain out."

*SPLORTCH!*

So they go back to the Pillar of Harvest Season to overload the engines.

BUT THE TELEMARKETER'S LIKE:

"No won't let you."

AND CORTANA'S LIKE:

"Piss off. I'm blowing it up."

So the Master Chief has to drive to the escape ship.

AND MASTER CHIEF'S LIKE:

"CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP."

AND THE BLACK GUY IS LIKE:

"Hold me."

I don't get that either. Keep in mind I was doing drugs while playing this.

AND THEN HALO IS LIKE:

"Ka-boom!"

AND CORTANA'S LIKE:

"It's over."

"No. I think this cash cow is just getting started."

This is Chester A. Bum saying: CHANGE? YA GOT CHANGE? AH, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!

The money is to buy Cortana some chocolate! I hear that's very good for women whenever Aunt Flo comes to visit.

...

Seriously though. Halo: Combat Evolved was pretty good, but Cortana was kind of a bitch back then.