Married to a Manwhore

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

"Alright so he's definitely not on the rooftop," said Roy as he took another swig of the giant mug of coffee that he'd ordered to wake himself up from the worst haze he'd had since he came clean. "I mean we certainly tried to lock his bed up there, but he's not there."

"Yeah, Roy, I was meaning to ask you why you thought he'd even still be there," asked Dick his orange juice jar half empty as he wondered if he should ask Bruce to look into darker shades that would completely block out the sun. Then he realized he was thinking of a sleep mask. (Author's aside: Took me forever to think of the name.) "We're all high level trained acrobats who scale buildings with our bare hands, how would he not get down from there, locked door or not?"

"I don't know we were pretty wasted and it's hard for me to even piss when I'm drunk" said Roy in response. His head was faced down in a plate of pancakes that were so fluffy it made for the best pillow.

"A fact that I'm sadly aware of, though it did mean less piss got on me and more got on the wall," said Damian, himself responding to a hangover my blankly staring at everything and trying to make sure that nothing of their night would surface into his consciousness forcing him to kill everyone within the tri-state area before taking his own life.

"Can we not mention the golden shower, Damian," asked Dick as he watched Tim grow pale and feverish. "Okay so we need to think of where we might have gone last night in our drunken stupor."

"Dick, we're in Las Vegas, so you might as well open up the phone book and start calling random places," said Roy as he took another swig of his early morning beer. "Doesn't Batman have every security camera in the world under his direct control or was that just a lie you told Kory because you were too chicken to have outdoor sex?"

"First off, that is something you will never speak of in the presence of my little brothers again," declared Dick as one bloodshot eye looked over the rim of his sunglasses in a glare. "Secondly, you will never tell Kory that I lied to her or I'll give Cheshire the number of every single ex that you have."

"Now that is ruthless," pouted Roy as he sat back in his chair, arms crossed in the same manner a child would. "And you'd be responsible for the harm that comes to those women, especially Donna."

"Donna can definitely take care of herself, Cheshire aside," replied Dick. "I mean it's not like Cheshire can take an Amazonian or some-"

The sentence that Dick was about to finish would remain permanently unfinished as he felt a knife press right into the side of his neck at an angle that would ensure that he would be attempting to scream as he bled out. The sadistic positioning of the blade gave its owner away, more so than any words the person could say. Fear began to creep up into his stomach like a freshly hatched nest of spiders spreading out into the world to feast. He was the fly trapped in the web and the name of the spider that would devour him was Cheshire. That day he was given a grim reminder of just who his best friend's wife was and he immediately agreed to himself that it would be cruel to Roy's ex-girlfriends to give away their existence to Cheshire. It would be like selling flies to spiders.

"Richard," she said, her voice with a tone that promised sadism that would scare the devil," why would I need to test myself on…what was it you said, an Amazonian? Is there something I should know, Richard?"

"Please, I will do anything, just never call my Richard again," said Dick in the manner one would pray to God.

"Baby, Dick's being mean to me," cried Roy as he ran to drape himself into Cheshire's bosom, his face nestling a bit in the valley. "Have your boobs gotten bigger?"

"Now boys, I don't think I need to tell you what this day means to Mistress Talia," she said with her knife still at Dick's throat. "Dick, I do expect an apology to Roy, unless of course you wish to bring your Amazonian to this discussion. Roy, I would need for you to get your testicles on, I'd hate for Lian to think you're her mother. I happen o be quite fond of my motherly position."

"I'm sorry for being mean to you," said Dick. The knife left his throat and all of the tension that Dick had in his life at that moment seemed to float away.

"Apology, accepted, my wife's a badass now give me some sugar baby," he said as he leaned into kiss Cheshire on her lips only to kiss the tip of her knife.

"Now my sweet, perhaps you would like to tell me why you would expect me to kiss you with breathe smelling like a diseased pig carcass?"

"Oh come on babe, it was a bachelor party in Las Vegas, how else would I smell," he replied before being silenced by a bottle of Listerine being shoved in his mouth. The acidic feeling of the mouth wash assaulting the skin of his mouth as an aggressive cleansing began. His cries and pleas for mercy or relief fell upon deaf ears.

"So what happened to the rest of you, you all seem to be in a very…you all look like shit," she said as she continued to force the Listerine into Roy's mouth despite his attempts to disengage. "Dick, my rustling of your vagina seems to have brought you back into the land of the living, Roy is…well besides the smell there's no real change, but why would Tim and Damian be so apart at the same table?"

Dick finally took notice to the fact that Damian and Tim weren't on opposite sides of the table, they were at two completely different tables on the sides farthest from the other.

"Why would I ever need a reason not to be in the presence of Drake," asked Damian as he fidgeted in his seat.

"I suppose so, though it still doesn't explain the smell."

"I swear this urine smell won't come off me thanks to your piss-drunk husband," snarled Damian before he realized what precious information he gave away and who he gave it away to. Cheshire would hold this over his head so long that he'd never see the sun again and she was the one woman not able to bend steel that gave him pause to comment.

"Well, husband dear what do you have to say for your-oh," she said as she realized she was still in the process of drowning him in Listerine. She removed the bottle from his lips and moved his face to the side so that when he spewed out Listerine he would completely miss her. As soon as her hands let go, however, Roy's legs appeared to give out as he started to writhe on the floor from the pain in his mouth. "Lover, please stop being such a pansy and explain to me what you were doing urinating on people. I was certain that if I did have to have this conversation with you it would be about someone of legal age…and female."

"Wait so you expected him to be golden showering people," asked Dick.

"I would like to point out that I was drunk at the time and I did not realize I was facing the shower not the toilet."

"Lover, I know that you would never think of touching another woman without my say so," she said as she brought her lips to his in a loving kiss that seemed out of place with her earlier acts of cruelty. "I also know that you drink a lot and your worst mistakes are made when you drink. This is a flaw of yours that I acknowledge and love despite the trouble it causes because it is just another part of you. This is a day of love. I'm sure all of you would want to avoid seeing what would happen if this day became a day of hate, right?"

Everyone nodded, no questions asked.

She continued, "So naturally I want you all to be on your best behavior and make sure that everything goes right. Of course seeing as how Talia wishes for Dick to be in charge of the younger two and …well I don't think anyone would ask my husband to be in charge of anything, much less Talia, all of that preparation falls to myself and your Batgirls. So if you do anything to mess up today not only will you know the anger of Talia, but you'll also know the anger of every woman in attendance. I assume that the both of you will be on your best behavior and make sure that Jason get's to the altar on time."

"Yes ma'm," was the unanimous reply of all the men.

"Good, now where is Jason, I need to make sure he doesn't look just as shitty and pathetic as you guys," she asked, her eyes looking at the plates set on the table.

"Oh don't worry about him, he's actually getting cleaned up for the big day, we just decided to come down for breakfast," replied Roy as he tried his best to fool his wife who would most likely do terrible things to him if she knew he was lying. This was not his best idea.

"Alright, just make sure he gets there on time," said Cheshire as she traced a finger threateningly and seductively along Roy's Adam's apple.

"We need to find Jason right now," said Roy the second Cheshire was out of ear shot and line of sight. "Does anyone have any leads or possible ideas?"

"Let's try backtracking last night, see if we might have left him anywhere," replied Dick as he set down enough money for a tip and requested for the valet to bring his car to the front. "Right now time is not on our hands so we need to keep focused and make sure not to leave any traces."

"Dick I think that's going to be impossible," said Roy as he pointed at the valet pulling up to the front.

"Your car Batman," said the valet as he held out the keys to the Batmobile that was sitting in the front of the hotel lobby, in broad daylight.

"So should we just kill ourselves now to escape the horrible fates that await all of us," asked Roy and Dick was trying to find reasons to disagree.

Author's note: This chapter took so long to get out that I probably gave people the impression that I was dead or had completely moved on. Life just sometimes gives you lemons and not the kind that get a story rated M. Either way this chapter is out and to the person who PM'ed me asking if I was continuing, I felt it was better to just release a new chapter in answer. Bit of a behind the scenes thing this chapter was written in 5 days after finding that the original was lost by data corruption. Hopefully the next one is a lot sooner and longer. I do hope this is still entertaining. What JasonX? pairing would you like to see me do? Please read and review and let me know.