[Author's note. This series is not connected to my other Touhou fanfictions, i.e., it has nothing to do with Touhou Monogatari. (although I may reference my other fics occasionally) Also, each chapter is self-contained. Once I get more than one omake finished, you can jump around as you please. Lastly, these omake are all focused on humor.

The idea for this first omake was sparked by canon, of all places. Look up the Touhou wiki if you don't believe me. And now, without further ado.]

Omake 1: Patchy Gets Buff.

In the dimly lit corridors of Voile, an unmoving librarian was reading a book. She flew with her back slouched as if she were sitting in a chair. Her eyes veered right-to-left, (Kanji text, after all), even as a commotion broke out. "Help me, Patchy! She came back!" Screamed a red-haired demon.

By "she", the demon meant a girl dressed as a witch from the West(ern world). "Settle down, ze! I came to help!"

The unmoving librarian said, "So I take it you came to return my material for once?"

Marisa laughed, "Ha! Not quite, but I'll do you one better!" She cleared her throat, "I learned something important about magicians."

"Such as?"

"I think I know why you're so weak."

Patchouli stopped reading. With her hands rested on top of her closed book, she said, "Really? You, a rat who doesn't know me that well, knows why my health is poor?"

Marisa replied, "Maybe. Okay, hear this; I learned that some of the materials that witches use, like arsenic, can weaken youkai. Even if it doesn't kill them, it still hurts their bodies."

Patchouli queried, "And where did you hear this?"

Marisa said, "The hermit girl, Kasen Ibara. Oh, you probably don't know her. She likes to bug Reimu about things. Well, she told me that some of the chemicals witches use for experiments and stuff is dangerous, and that's when I realized, maybe she's right. I know Alice isn't a pushover, but she's not exactly built like an oni either, but then I thought of you, and . . . well, I just thought I'd tell you."

Patchouli tilted her head, "And you're telling this why~?"

Marisa blushed, "Uh, cuz I wouldn't want the librarian here to suffer so I can keep perusing her books, maybe?"

Patchouli stared though Marisa, then stated, "I will consider your advice, though I would still prefer it if you returned my books."

Marisa reached behind her head, "Uh, that's gonna have to wait. I better leave before anyone else notices me, ze. See ya!" With that, she took off.

Koakuma faced Patchouli, "Patchy, do you think . . . she's right? The things we use for our potions and alchemy . . . is that why we aren't physically strong?"

Patchouli responded, "The black-and-white rat is a habitual liar, but she wouldn't lie about something if it served her somehow." In this case, my library. "I will talk to the Mistress about this, nonetheless."

Later that day, Patchouli met up with Remilia. The vampire was listening to music on a vinyl record player when the librarian floated in, "Oh, Patchy. What a surprise. What brings you here?"

Patchouli opened with, "I had an interesting conversation with the black-and-white rat just now."

Remilia pouted, "That stupid girl! She breaks in here so often, she may as well live here by now! Well, you did chase her out, right?"

Patchouli continued, "She left. But she came in and told me why she thinks I'm so weak. She believes it's because I exposed myself to dangerous chemicals. I know some of the substances I work with would be lethal to a human, but I never gave it much thought due to my youkai immunity, however, she claims that toxins can still weaken youkai."

Remilia said, "Hmm. I never thought of that, myself."

Patchouli said, "I would like to start another experiment. I'm going to get rid of all of my potentially hazardous materials, and see how that works. In fact, I'll have your sister blow them up for me, I'm sure she'll get a kick out of that. We'll go thirty days, and we'll see if my health improves or not. How does that sound?"

Remilia grinned, "I think this is a great idea, Patchy."

And so Patchouli got rid of her chemicals, and waited thirty days, as she said. By the end of the month, Patchouli met up with Remilia again. The vampire said, "The thirty days are up. Tell me, have you noticed anything?"

Patchouli answered, "Yes. I feel like . . . like I have more stamina. I can stay up later than usual, and I don't need as much coffee to keep myself awake whenever I read. Whenever I wake up in the morning, I don't feel as lethargic, and I can carry a heavy book for a longer period of time."

Remilia smiled so much, her fangs were showing. "That's it, Patchy! We've found the cure to your anemia! You've started becoming stronger, like a true youkai! But you can't stop here; you've got to get stronger. And for starters, I order you to not fly whenever you don't need to."

Upon hearing that, Patchouli made her feet rest upon the ground. Remilia continued, "Yes. Start walking. Get blood circulating through your legs. And when you walk, try moving your arms around too, to get more," She licked her lips, "To get more life fluid moving. It'll be a great boost to your muscular and cardiovascular system if you keep it up."

"I see." Patchouli said, "I shouldn't be as reliant on magic. Perhaps then I could become stronger. Thank you again, Lady Remilia."

Patchouli left to go back to the library. As she walked, a stunned Sakuya saw her, "Patchy, you're . . . walking?"

Patchouli stated, "Yes. My body can handle it, now. Is that a problem?"

Sakuya said, "No, that's good! Maybe you'll get over your anemia if you keep it up."

When she entered the library, Koakuma saw her on her feet, "Patchy, you're not flying! Is something wrong?"

"No. The Mistress believes I can get stronger if I use my limbs more. I want to see if I really can overcome my weakness."

And so time went on, with Patchouli relying less on magic and the maids, and more on her physical body to do things. In another month, she met with Remilia again. She told her, "Lady Remilia, not only do I have even more stamina, I find it easier to recite spells now! I can't stop, I must move on to the next level!"

Remilia suggested, "Maybe China could help you out with that?"

Later that day, Patchouli stepped outside to a confused Hong Meiling. "Patchy? What are you doing here? I know the Mistress said you were exercising more, but, still, why are you out here?"

Patchouli declared, "Meiling, teach me to be strong like you."

Meiling made a pfft sound, and giggled, "You're not doing that again! Remember when you tried having me train you back when we were in Europe, and remember what you said?" She imitated Patchouli's droll voice, "'This regiment hurts my knees.' 'This exercise makes me winded.' 'This maneuver is too hard.' 'Nevermind, China. I'll just stay in the library.'"

Patchouli responded in a strong voice, "That was before I gave up the chemicals, and before I started strengthening my body. I am different, now. I can handle it. And besides, don't you need the company?"

Meiling pondered, "Well, yeah. And if fairies came by, I could count on your spells to get rid of them. Alright, let's get started, young Patchy!"

An icy cold stare bore though Meiling.

"Nevermind that last part."

Meiling started to show Patchouli basic martial arts. A week afterwards, Patchouli spoke with her familiar, "Koakuma, I'm leaving you in charge of the library. You are the head librarian of Voile until further notice."

After another week of training, Patchouli said to Meiling, "I have made an important decision. My hair is too long; it restricts my movements. I am cutting it short."

Meiling was shocked, "But, hair doesn't slow me down! Mine goes down to my butt, and I can still move freely!"

Patchouli insisted, "But I need maximum mobility. I'll see if I can get it to the mistress' preferred length." And so, the maids removed her hair ribbons and cut her hair to Remilia length. In two weeks, Patchouli spotted Sakuya cleaning the windows from the outside. She greeted her, "Afternoon, Sakuya. Might I ask you for a favor?"

Sakuya turned around, "Oh, Patchy! I'm still not used to you being outside so much! What do you need?"

Patchouli said to her, "I can't move as fast as you, and I can't control time like you. Nonetheless, I want you to teach me how to evade attacks like you. I have greater mobility now, and if you would, teach me to use that mobility."

Sakuya giggled, "Sure! When I'm finished here, I'll help you."

Two more weeks passed. On a whim, Patchouli visited Flandre. The vampire laughed, "Ha ha ha! Patchy looks so funny with short hair!"

Patchouli smiled, "Flandre, remember that time when we sparred with no magic?"

Flandre exclaimed, "Yeah! I flicked you with my little pinky finger, and you fell flat on your butt! A ha ha! That was so funny!"

Patchouli's grin grew wider, "Flick me again."

"Okay!" Flandre went to Patchouli and flicked her pinky finger at her shoulder. Patchouli stumbled back a few steps, but maintained her balance. "Patchy didn't fall down!" Flandre noted.

Another week passed. Patchouli met with Remilia. The blue-haired madam noticed, "Patchy, your skin, it's not as pale as it used to be."

Patchouli looked and noticed that her hands were beige instead of milky white. "Huh, fancy that." She then looked at her mistress, "Okay Lady Remilia, this is what I wanted to ask; I want the maids to make short clothes for me."

Remilia pouted, "But if you did that, you'd look less feminine!"

Patchouli countered, "I know, but I need more mobility, and it is the warmer season, so may I?"

Remilia said, "I'll see what the fairies come up with."

The maids made short pants and short-sleeved shirts for Patchouli. They were still a light lavender color, but now she could move even more freely. Not only that, instead of wearing her pajama-like shoes, she now wears black slip-ons like Meiling. She felt like she could take on anything.

[Author's Note: I don't normally put an author's note in the middle of the story, but right now, I want you to picture a montage sequence, with montage music, depicting Patchy doing crazy workout things, like doing sit-ups, and lifting weights with books as weight, and arm-wrestling Meiling, and evading a spellcard of Flandre's, and ending with Patchy jogging up the stairs into the Netherworld, and reaching the top. After you've done that, continue with the story.]

About a year passed since then. It was warm weather season again, so Patchouli was wearing her shorts. Remilia had invited Patchouli into her quiet room, the place where she goes to hold private conversations. When the two were in, Remilia said, "Patchy, I'm amazed by your transformation since the human witch gave you that advice. You're at least as fit as Sakuya now. However, there is one thing I want to test. Lift up your shirt so that your midriff is showing."

Patchouli did so. Remilia felt Patchouli's abdomen with her fingers, "Yes, your muscles aren't flabby anymore. You are still a woman, and as such, you're not overly muscular, but you've become so firm. However, can you survive this?" Remilia dug her fingernail into Patchouli's gut, but to no avail. "Huh? I can't cut you so easily anymore! Your blood isn't drawing! Sure, if I put more force into it, I could, but you're stronger than the average human now! You truly are a youkai!"

Patchouli grinned, "Hey wait, what about Sakuya? Is she really a human like she says, or is she a youkai like us?"

Remilia's eyes turned completely red, and she commanded, "You are not fated to know the answer to that question, Patchouli Knowledge."

Patchouli's face was emotionless, and she monotoned, "I understand, Lady Remilia Scarlet."

Remilia's eyes returned to normal, "That's all I wanted to say. Congratulations again."

A few days passed. Normally, Sakuya was the one who went to the Human Village to purchase and transport goods for the mansion. However, before Sakuya could leave, Patchouli sprung out and shouted, "Wait!" She faced Remilia, "Lady Remilia, it would be my honor to take Sakuya's place today."

Everyone stopped. Everyone dropped their jaws. Everyone focused their eyes on the librarian. Remilia tried to regain her composure, "You're telling me you want to go shopping? Do you even know how to get to the human village?"

Patchouli murmured, "You just follow the dirt road past the lake, right? How hard can it be?"'

Sakuya asked, "Yes, but do you know where exactly to shop, and what exactly to get?"

Patchouli responded, "Fill me in on the details, and I'll be able to."

Sakuya explained to her, handed her some money, and she left. As Patchouli walked past Meiling, the guard said, "Best of luck, Sakuya!"

"I'm not Sakuya."

Meiling was taken back, "Oh, my apologies, Patchy! Best of luck to you!"

Patchouli marched forward . . . until she hit the lake's edge. "The mistress said I can still fly if I needed to." She levitated past the lake and onto the dirt road leading to the Village. She touched down and started her walk. As was expected, fairies tried to attack her. She would sometimes flick her fingers to shoot danmaku at her attackers, but other times, she would use fisticuffs to subdue the fairies. In one instance, she even did a (literal) flying jump kick at a particularly stubborn fairy. She eventually reached the village. Unlike in the mansion, there were no overt displays of magic. There were people, mostly humans, mingling and going about. Patchouli had never seen such a place before moving into Gensokyo before. She looked around and found the store Sakuya told her about. As she walked by, she overheard some humans saying that it was around the time "that pretty maid" from the Scarlet mansion showed up in the village. She entered the store and met the shopkeeper. "Can I help you?"

Patchouli handed him the list. "Assemble these items for me. I have the money for them."

As the man looked over the list, he noted, "Hey, aren't these the things Miss Izayoi always buys?"

Patchouli answered, "Yes, but today, she is having a break. I am acting on her behalf."

The shopkeeper rambled, "Oh really? It's just that people have gotten so used to her coming, she's become quite popular."

Patchouli flew right next to his face. "You're not servicing me. How do you think that temple built just outside of town would feel if I told them you were refusing me service just because I was a youkai?"

The shopkeeper nervously replied, "Uh, right. No sense turning you down if you pay good money, ha ha."

She eventually got her things. She walked back the path she came on. Because she was holding things, she couldn't fight fairies with more than one hand, so she danmaku'd anything that got in her way. When she returned to the lake, a grinning blue-haired fairy was waiting for her. "The library girl is out of her element! I must make an example of her!"

Patchouli sighed as she dropped her belongings. Cirno flew at her, firing icicles. Patchouli dodged all of the icicles while keeping her feet planted on the ground. When Cirno came close enough for a melee attack, Patchouli responded by uppercutting Cirno across the jaw. "WAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!" Cirno was last seen falling into the lake.

Patchouli went back into the mansion. Remilia and Sakuya were waiting. Patchouli laid down her purchases and told them, "Everything went smoothly, although the villagers have taken a liking to you, Sakuya."

Sakuya responded, "Oh, they didn't miss me, did they?"

Patchouli answered, "I'd say they did. Then again, you are of above-average height, sport large blue eyes, and always have that non-descript smile on your face; I guess the humans weren't expecting someone like me, someone who doesn't conform to their idea of charm."

Remilia and Sakuya glared at the librarian, but thanked her anyway. Sometime later, Patchouli told everyone that she was going out. She traveled, mostly on foot, to the Forest of Magic. "Now, where was she exactly?" She traveled and traveled, until she found a cottage in an open clearing, "I hope this is the right one." She knocked on the door.

Marisa stepped out, "For the last time, Alice, no, I don't have," her eyes widened, " Huh? Who are you? Wait . . . Patchouli? I recognize your face, but, what have you been . . . oh no, it's finally happening! I have to pay for my sins!"

Patchouli scolded, "You're damn right you do, but let's settle this with a contest. Let's have a melee duel. No magic, no flying, but you can use spellcards related to melee combat. If you win, I'll leave. If I win, I get back my books that rightfully belong to me."

Marisa questioned, "Can I use my broom in battle?"

"Sure, not that'll help."

Marisa grinned, "You sure sound confident! Alright, let's do this, da ze!"

She stepped outside, and the two witches initiated a duel. Marisa had longer reach with her broomstick, but it proved useless since Patchouli always either dodged or parried her attacks. Not only that, her fists and feet hurt. Eventually, she was knocked down, and blurted out, "Mercy! You win!"

Patchouli snorted, "Heh! I defeated you in a physical contest! Now to reap my rewards-"

"-Hey wait." Marisa interrupted, "You've obviously been working out, but I'll bet you've been neglecting your witchcraft!"

"Not in the slightest." Patchouli retorted as she shot some fireballs at the ordinary witch.

"Wha!" Marisa quickly put up a star-shaped barrier before she was hit. "You can't just fire at me when you said no magic, ze! I'm telling Reimu!"

Patchouli stated, "Let her come. I can deal with her." She then stepped inside the house . . . only to find a nightmare, "BAAAAAH! Your house, it's-it's-it's a garbage heap!" She tried looking around, "Where am I supposed to find my booksǃ?"

Marisa struggled back in, "Here and there. I never cared for organization, since I don't really see the point."

Patchouli then spotted a book she recognized, "Ah! My encyclopedia on wild mushrooms!" She picked it up. "That's one book down. Oh! My grimoire of druidic magics! I was wondering where that went." Her stack grew higher, "Oh look! My unabridged history of alchemy textbook! Amazing! And even a couple volumes of Dragon Ball! Meiling will be happy!" She then noticed she couldn't carry any more books. She whispered, "I knew I should've brought Sakuya with me." She looked at Marisa, "Listen up; you've got too many books of mine here. I'm taking back just these for now. You can keep my other books for a while, but if you don't return them soon enough, I will come back for them. And I will keep coming back until I get back all of my reading material, understand?"

Marisa responded in a tinny voice, "Uh huh."

When Patchouli came out, she noticed that she was a little tired from her fight. Add to the weight of her books, she was slowed down. She flew back to the mansion.

Because of her attack, Marisa came by periodically to return Patchouli's books. Later, Patchouli volunteered to go back to the village to buy more supplies. When she arrived, some villagers said, "Oh hey, it's you again! Are you acting for Miss Izayoi again?"

Patchouli droned, "Yes."

One of the villagers commented, "Really? You don't behave anything like her. Miss Izayoi is so nice to us! Always bowing, always pleasant . . ."

Patchouli fired back, "Why should I show you pleasantries? You're not exactly invited guests of the Mistress. I only came here to purchase supplies, nothing more."

The villagers frowned. Patchouli bought things and returned. When she came back, Remilia asked, "How was it, this time?"

Patchouli sounded off, "A little bit easier. I think there was a male villager staring at my legs, though. But then again, it makes sense. Unlike you, my legs have shape. Your legs are so skinny, they look like noodle strands."

Remilia furrowed her brows, "I do not have noodle legs! Don't say such a thing!"

Patchouli said, "Don't feel bad about it. I'm sure some guys would enjoy that." She retreated to the library.

A few days passed. Patchouli was lifting books for weight in the library. A fairy maid flew to her, "Patchy, you have a visitor."

"A visitor? Bring them in."

A minute passed. Patchouli saw who her guest was; a girl dressed like a shrine maiden. "Afternoon, Patchouli."

The librarian questioned, "Reimu Hakurei? What are you doing here?"

"I've been receiving some complaints about your behavior. Some of the villagers said that you've been callous towards them. Also, your own devil lady said you insulted her body shape. Not only that, and most importantly, Marisa claims that you broke a rule during a spellcard duel."

Patchouli quipped, "So? What are you going to do about it?"

Reimu gripped her rod, "An attack like that on a human is unacceptable! I will punish you!"

Patchouli laughed, "Ha! If you did that, you'd incur the wrath of everyone here! You know how dangerous the Mistresses are!"

Reimu made a delicious smile, "I have their blessings."

Patchouli stopped herself, "Huh? They wanted you here? Well, I could understand grievances from Lady Remilia and Sakuya, but Lady Flandre, China, and Koakuma too?"

"She keeps killing the fairies for me! She's stealing my thunder!" Meiling told Reimu, as waterfalls of tears streamed down her face.

"Patchy doesn't let me walk all over her anymore! It's so frustrating!" Flandre told Reimu, as she pouted with her cheeks.

"She won't let me look at my favorite books anymore! She hogs them all to herself!" Koakuma told Reimu, as she narrowed her eyes in frustration.

"However," Reimu interjected, "There is a way for you to redeem yourself. Offer me a donation."

"You're . . . begging?"

"Come on! I know you're loaded! Offer me some yen and I'll overlook your transgressions!"

Patchouli reached for a spellbook, "This isn't like before. I don't have to kowtow to a humie like you any longer."

Reimu reached for a spellcard. She asked softly, "Will melee and danmaku together be acceptable?"

The librarian nodded.

They both activated spellcards. The author was too lazy to bother looking up exactly which spellcards they used, so this text will now skip to a lull in the battle.

"You're much stronger than before." Reimu observed, "You're almost as powerful as Remilia!"

Patchouli flashed a wicked grin, "Now you know what the Mistress sees in me!" She continued firing, however, she forgot one important detail; Reimu is notorious for being hard to hit in battle. (Is this why Yukari selected the Hakurei to guard the Boundary? Because they aren't anorexic, they're just naturally small-built?) Patchouli could not compete against this advantage, and eventually fell in battle.

Reimu ordered, "Wait here. Your family is coming." She flew out.

When Patchouli came to, she saw Meiling, Sakuya, Koakuma, Remilia, and Flandre all staring down at her, with their arms folded and their faces scowling in dissatisfaction. "Is this what you want, Patchy?" Remilia broke in.

Patchouli stood up, "Of course this is what I want! I'm stronger and healthier now than I ever have been! You should be happy for me!"

Sakuya cut in, "We are, Patchouli. However, you seemed to have developed a superiority complex in the process."

Patchouli recited, "Superiority complex, a belief that one is above others. Wait . . . I really have developed one, haven't I?"

Remilia stated, "Yes, and it is interfering with our lives. You continue to condescend to me, Sakuya, and the villagers. I thought for someone as mature as you, I wouldn't have to tell you to show pleasantries to strangers you purchase items for us."

Meiling inserted, "And I want to actually beat up wandering youkai again! I wanna feel useful!"

Flandre said, "And Sis is right! You can't be mean to people who don't deserve it!"

Koakuma pleaded, "So please, Patchy; stop being so hurtful. For our sakes, and your own as well."

Patchouli paused for a moment. Then she said, "Okay."

"YAAAAAY!" Flandre blurted out, as she hugged Patchouli.

Meiling joined in, with waterfalls of tears, "Oh Patchy! I knew you'd come to your senses!"

Koakuma and Sakuya smiled as Remilia commented, "I think a visit from the miko just was just what we needed, but in truth, regardless of your actions, we're all still better off than one certain Gensokyan."

Patchouli knew who she was referring to, and sarcastically remarked, "Gee, I wonder who that could be?"

There was a knock at Marisa's door. "I'm coming! I'm coming!" Marisa said.

Upon opening the door, she saw Alice . . . wearing shorts . . . and looking a little tougher on the outside. "Marisa, my bomb dolls have vanished. I asked Reimu about this, and she said you would know what happened to them. This isn't what I think it is, is it?"

Marisa became flustered, "Uh, I dunno. What do you think it is, ze?"

Alice countered, "You wanna know what I think? Simple; there is a principle difference between you and I."

"I'm a human, and you're a human-turned-youkai?"

Alice responded, "Yes, but besides that. You see, you are a thief and a liar, whereas," Alice clenched her fists and shouted in a guttural voice, "I AM A WOMAN!" Her right fist sank into Marisa's sternum.