It had been a year. A good 365 days the last time I saw him. The last time I held him. The last time I stared into those deep gray eyes. He was the only thing I had; the only thing that truly mattered to me. Yet, I let him slip away. Maybe my grip wasn't tight enough. Or maybe.. I just didn't want to upset him anymore.

I knew why he broke it off with me. I just.. didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to remember it. I didn't blame him for leaving me. But that didn't change the fact that it still hurt, and that I never got a chance to say goodbye. I always told him he deserved better, because I knew I would never be able to change. I believed that it was best for him to find happiness in someone else. But that didn't mean that it was best for me.

I went crazy- borderline insane trying to figure out what I was going to do with myself without him. I dyed my hair all kinds of colors: pink, blond, orange (right now it was red). I got a million different piercings in weird places, but they were mostly just on my face. I started self-mutilating, and that left burns and scars all over my wrists and neck. But I knew I had hit bottom when I called Crystal. She claimed that she was in love with me, so she always picked up the phone. We talked more and more each day, and eventually she came over. That's when the trouble started.

I bought a little house in Johto a few days after Gold left me. I kept to myself mostly. Didn't talk to neighbors or anything like that. When I told Crystal I was living all by myself, she got all her things and moved in with me.

I didn't try to stop her.

Hell, I was alone. Even though she's not someone I'd ideally pick as my first choice to live with, she was someone so I settled for her. After a while, she got comfortable, and so did I. I'd cook for her because most days I was too depressed to eat. She'd stay awake and talk to me when I couldn't sleep, even though she was dead tired. We slept in the same bed because I only had one, and I didn't like the idea of her sleeping on the floor.

All our Pokémon stayed in the backyard, and every now and then she'd go back with two or three bowls full of food to feed them. When she first came here, she told me how she had given up her life as a trainer to become a breeder. I told her it was a better reason than why I gave it up.

Hesitantly, she came up to me to give me a hug. I could hear her sobbing into my chest and murmuring my name 'Silver' over and over again. I didn't hug her back. I didn't do anything. I couldn't do anything but just stand there as she let it all out. She knew why I had stopped training. It was because of Gold. She knew, even after a whole year, that I still loved him and not her.

So that made it worse. She wasn't crying for my sake, she was crying for hers. Her and her unrequited love.

I didn't understand it. How could she be so jealous of someone who didn't even love me anymore? This is why I don't date girls. They're full of complex emotions and they always want something out of you that you're unable to give.

I was unable to love her.

And I was unable to move past him.

Every night I think back to that same fight we had; the fight that ruined everything. The fight that ruined out whole future together. I remember when we first met. I had a goal to become the strongest trainer. He had the same goal, but I took it more seriously than he did.

In other words, he was holding me back.

But what I failed to realize was that I was doing the same thing. I'd blow off training with him and make up some excuse that I had some other things to do. I didn't make enough time for him. I didn't give him as much attention as I used to. I had no idea why. If I knew that, we'd still be together by now. But day after day, week after week, month after month.. we just.. grew apart.

He used to threaten me, telling me he'd leave me and finish our journey by himself. I ignored it. Then the threats started getting heavier, saying that he'd leave with Lyra- but for real this time. That got me pissed, but I knew he was just talking shit. Still, it got under my skin so badly that I started yelling at him, cursing at him, and worse of all.. abusing him. Sometimes I force myself to think about it- the fear in his eyes as I pushed him against the wall. Call me sick, but I got so caught up in the moment that I actually enjoyed the sight of seeing how scared he was. Sometimes, I don't want to think about it. Was I bipolar? One minute I'm kissing him like crazy and the next I'm losing it, breaking things left and right. I'd always tell him I'd never do it again, and thank him so many times for putting up with me. But I never failed to shatter his trust.

Sometimes I try to make it easier on myself by saying that it was his fault. I had warned him- so many times- that it would be dangerous dating a guy like me. Hell, even Crystal warned him! In her own twisted little way, she was trying to help, but for her own reasons. The point is, he never gave in and found out the hard way. I know that's still no excuse for what I did, but it lifts a burden off my shoulders.. if only for a little while. I don't know why I put myself in that situation. Because it gets harder and harder for me to move on, and I can't take anymore of it.

Crystal's the only one I can talk to about these things. After a while, as we talked more and more later each night, I started to notice her expression: hurt, just like mine. I realized for a year now all I ever did was talk about Gold. It probably made her upset. But my doubts had been thrown away when she told me she seriously didn't mind. That was another thing about Crystal: She didn't seem to care about anything.

She never wore makeup anymore. Tank tops and shorts now replaced her frilly lace dresses. Her hair was always tied in a messy ponytail, and she'd go for days without showering. I guess to some guys it would seem as if she had let herself go, but to me, I'd never seen her so beautiful. She was a tomboy again, and it reminded me of when we were younger and had started our first adventure together. The fact that she was still here, living in my house- well, our house now- still being my friend was amazing to me. Back when I was dating Gold, we used to fight every single day. Now our relationship was stronger than ever. She was my best friend. It was her, and no one else.

And if I could give her one thing out of this entire universe, it'd be my love. But I could never love her. We both knew that, so every so often I'd let her cry into my chest, murmuring my name 'Silver' over and over again to herself. And as usual, I didn't do anything. I couldn't do anything but just stand there patiently, waiting for her to finish letting it all out.