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Drunken Harry Potter

A Lunacy

By DireSquirrel

Bad things happen when Harry Potter gets drunk. And being rather small for his age, it didn't take much for him to get completely sloshed. He also blacked out every time it happened, and more often than not, people weren't willing to bring it up with him afterward, so Harry didn't even know he'd ever had a drink. Which was part of the reason bad things happen when Harry Potter gets drunk. Luckily for everyone he tended to be a happy drunk even if he was depressed when he started drinking.

There was the time Harry had the bright idea to turn into an animagus. And as he was Harry Potter nothing went according to plan. No simple forms like a dog or a stag or a housecat, no, Harry turned into a large theropod, about half way between a Tyrannosaurus and a Utahraptor and rampaged through Hogsmeade, biting several death eaters who had been there for a "party" involving a muggleborn couple just out of Hogwarts.

The next time Harry got drunk, he decided that he was a ninja-wizard and started sneaking around under his invisibility cloak (which he called his Can't-See-Me-no-jutsu) and set people on fire. Seventeen Slytherins and 4 Ravenclaws had to be hospitalized that day. It took them fifteen weeks to get all the footprints of the ceiling.

Perhaps the most glaring international incident he caused was when Harry got drunk after the 4th task. While he insured that the Potter bloodline would not die out anytime soon, the Beaubatons PTA was not amused with his antics. Dumbledore kept this from him "for his own safety" even though Harry probably would have been ecstatic to find he'd become a father.

The worst, at least in terms of the Statute of Secrecy, was when the Weasley Twins decided to get Harry drunk to keep him from blaming himself over their father being bitten by Voldemort's Snake. Hidden in some secret pocket, they smuggled a secret batch of firewhisky that was a lot more fire than whisky, and poured some in Harry's water glass.

"Drink up," Fred said.

"It'll make you feel better," said George as they surreptitiously cast freeze flame charms all over the library of 12 Grimmauld Place. If Hermione had been there, she would have put the kibosh to the whole thing, as it was generally unwise to breathe fire in a library, but she wasn't, so the Twins ran rampant.

Harry tipped his glass back and drank it all down, having long since gotten used to the taste of Whisky-and-Water, though he never remembered having any. He glanced around the Black Family library until his eyes fell on Sirius' shrine to "where he was going to go when he was a free man again" which included just about anywhere naked women could be found. When Sirius discovered it was legal for women to go topless there, New York City quickly shot to the near top of the list.

"Schart shpreadin' da newsh," Harry slurred as he rose to his feet after only one Fire-Whisky-and-Water, belching flames slightly. He held up his bottle of firewhisky (which the twins hadn't noticed him steal), and pointed it at a picture of the Empire State Building. "I'm lheavin' today! Gunna make a bran' new schart uv id, in ole Nhew Yhork!" he sand and promptly disappeared with a loud pop that brought the current Auror-Off-Duty running.

"What happened?" Tonks demanded, her wand out as she glanced about the room.

"Um," Fred said nervously as he turned to his twin for advice.

"Uh," said George as he met his twin's eyes with equal nervousness.

"WHAT-HAPPENED?" she demanded again, grabbing them both by the ears.

"We gave Harry a drink, and he apparated away!" the twins said in unison.

"Oh, no," she muttered, letting them go. "Not again."

Author's Note: more of a story prompt, but it could lead to anywhere. Feel free to use "Drunken Harry", but please give me credit if you use any part.