(Author's note: The inspiration for this one-shot came from something mentioned on the Wild Mass Guessing page for Neon Genesis Evangelion on TVTropes. Also, it happens in our world, AKA Reality.)
"Rei? Rei, are you even listening to me?"
The pale girl gazed quietly out the window of her therapist's office, barely registering the sounds coming from the older man's mouth. She was too busy watching the birds fly to bother paying attention to him, anyway. She wished she could be one of them, soaring freely without a care, instead of being stuck in this pathetic excuse for a life. Nobody understood her…nobody could understand her, it seemed. Her parents had sent her to therapy in the hope that it would change something about her; make her more "normal". So far, it wasn't working.
The therapist sighed. "Rei, I need you to pay attention to me, please. We were going to talk about empathy today, remember?"
Rei finally glanced away from the window, tone flat, expression mildly annoyed. "Yes, I remember. You don't need to talk to me like I'm a preschooler, Mark."
The therapist sighed. Getting through to this girl was nearly impossible most of the time. She was either off in cuckoo land or she misinterpreted everything he said, taking even the most obviously figurative statements as painfully literal ones. He'd been working with her for four years now, but she was still as impenetrable and cold as she had been in their very first session. "Well, I'm glad you remember. Now, empathy is when you're able to understand and sympathize with another person's feelings. Would you say that you exhibit empathy, Rei?"
Rei didn't answer. Instead she turned to stare out the window again, wishing she didn't have to be here at all. She hated this place with its bland colors and small rooms, each holding a puffed-up suit with a psychology degree. They were all pretentious bastards, pretending to understand everything about the human mind, but none of them could understand her. She'd seen five different therapists in this building, and all of them had given up on her eventually. They told her parents there was no reasoning with her; that she was just too stubborn or withdrawn to understand what they said. One even said she was too stupid to comprehend it. Rei smirked at the memory, recalling how her father had tossed this shrink out of their house on his ass in a rare fit of parental rage.
The therapist sighed. "Rei…let's call it a day, alright? It's clear that you're not interested in talking to me today."
Rei stood, picking up her messenger bag and stalking out of the tiny office without bothering to say goodbye. It wasn't that she didn't want to; it simply didn't occur to her to do so. She exited the building, taking a left and striding calmly down the Tokyo street, deftly avoiding people going the other way as she headed for home. Two train lines and a bus ride later, she stepped onto her front porch, sighing. She knew that as soon as she opened the door she'd be hit with a barrage of questions and annoyances. Her mother would want to know why she was home early, her sister would undoubtedly taunt her for some small mistake Rei had made during the day, and her father would probably ignore her as always. Of all of these, she dreaded her sister's taunting the most. Her mother could always be mollified with a quick lie, and her father's apathy didn't bother her. Her sister, on the other hand, was downright nasty sometimes. Rei sighed, turning the knob, trying to steel herself for whatever new torture would meet her on the other side of the door.
As soon as she entered the house her sister approached, a superior smirk on her crimson-painted lips. She smirked, hands resting comfortably on her hips. "Hey, Wondergirl. Been out chasing birds again?"
Rei tried to push past her without answering, looking down, but her sister wasn't having any of that. Rei found herself shoved back against the door, her sister's hand pinning her in place. Rei squirmed uncomfortably, the physical contact making her extremely uncomfortable. Her sister smirked again, taunting. "Guess who I'm going on a date with tonight?"
Rei spoke quietly, not looking up at her sister. "A date? The way you're dressed, I thought you were going to sell yourself in the red light district."
Her sister laughed cruelly. "Oh, you wish, Wondergirl. No…I've got a date with Shinji tonight. Isn't that just wonderful?"
Rei flinched, shocked. She'd had a crush on Shinji Ikari since the fourth grade, and her sister knew it. This had to be just one more way for her sister to torture her. She couldn't help muttering a comment. "Asuka…you know I like Shinji…"
Asuka grinned. "I know. That's part of why it's so wonderful. Have fun with your cartoons and action figures, Rei-chan. They're all you'll ever have, you retarded freak."
Asuka finally released Rei, having lost interest in her for now. Rei ran up the stairs, restraining tears of hurt and anger. She dashed into her room, slamming the door behind her and flopping down on the bed, sobbing. Her life couldn't possibly get any worse. She had no friends, her sister was dating the guy she liked just to torture her, and her parents hated her…why couldn't she just be normal? Why'd she have to be born a freak? People thought she was cold and bitchy all the time, but it wasn't her fault. She just sent the wrong cues whenever she tried to talk. She wanted to be friendly, but couldn't seem to make it work…not that it mattered. If her mental problems weren't an issue, the fact that she was an albino would still drive people away. She didn't stand a chance.
Rei slowly sat up, wiping tears from her eyes and looking around her room. The walls were covered in shelves, those shelves laden with character and robot figures, manga, and anime series on DVD, all giant robot shows or dramas. It seemed like these were her only real friends sometimes, fictional characters that seemed to understand how she felt, and even live through similar situations. She slowly reached out, picking up an Ed figurine from Cowboy Bebop. Ed was her best friend, in a way. She was everything Rei was, but she turned all of her problems into assets. She was funny, fearless, and the main characters loved her. Why couldn't Rei be like that? Why was she stuck being a scared, pathetic loser that nobody seemed to like or understand?
A quiet knock on her bedroom door made Rei jump. Her Ed figurine fell, bouncing off her desk and under the nearby bed. She stood, opening the door silently. Shinji was on the other side, scratching his head awkwardly, still in his school uniform.
"Umm….uhh….hi, Rei-chan…" He was clearly embarrassed to be there. She could see that. Most likely, her mother had forced him to come upstairs and say hello in some pathetic attempt to make Rei socialize. Still…he was here…
"Hello." Something in her tone made him flinch. She cringed inwardly. Had she messed up again? Had she done something wrong, violated one of the million-and-one social rules she could never seem to remember?
Shinji recovered quickly, giving Rei a tentative, awkward smile. He was so cute when he did that, she thought. He almost seemed to be as nervous as she was. Her momentary happiness at this thought collapsed when she realized that he was probably as scared of her as most of her other classmates, explaining his anxiety quite neatly. Shinji shuffled his feet, grasping for something to say. "So…uhh…how are you?"
Rei replied as flatly as possible, trying to keep any unwanted emotion out of her tone. "I'm fine. What do you want?"
Shinji cleared his throat, blushing slightly, which confused Rei. "I…uhh…just wanted to see if you were okay. You've been missing a lot of school lately, you know, and…uhh…the class rep wanted me to check on you."
Rei stared at Shinji, trying to decide how to respond. Should she tell him the truth; that she'd been skipping school to go watch birds in the Shinto memorial garden near the high school? Should she lie and say she'd been sick? No…that was a bad idea, since he'd be sure to ask Asuka, and she'd be only too happy to rat her older sister out as a liar as well as a freak. Not knowing what to say, she responded with the first thing that came to mind. "Well, you did your duty. You can leave me alone now."
Shinji's face visibly fell at this, as did Rei's stomach. Now she knew she'd said something wrong…but what? She'd been honest and said what she thought, after all. What had she done wrong? This was why she tried to avoid social interaction at all costs. It was too hard for her. Even now she could feel the anxiety writhing in her stomach, growing more powerful by the moment. She had to end this, and end it fast.
Shinji looked hesitant; as if there was more he wanted to say. Rei stared at him, keeping her expression neutral. "Was there something else?"
Shinji shook his head rapidly. "No! Uhh….I mean…..it's nice to see you, Rei…" He turned, practically running down the hall to Asuka's room. Rei slammed her door shut again, slumping against it, drained from even that small encounter. Just talking to people was hard for her. Sometimes she even envied Asuka, who could walk into a room and become friends with everyone inside in under a minute. She always used and manipulated them, of course, but somehow she had the gift of making people like her anyway. Why couldn't Rei be like that? The few times she'd tried to be social she'd failed horribly. People were still making fun of her for the single time she'd dared to show up at a school dance and had accidentally knocked over the refreshments table. Her parents waved it off as natural clumsiness, but Rei knew different. It was just one more way she was a freak, one more way she was damaged and less capable than everyone else.
She sat on the floor, trying not to cry as she heard Asuka and Shinji leaving on their date. Shinji would probably end up completely in love with Asuka by the end of the night. Not that it mattered, though; Rei wouldn't have a shot with him even if he wasn't interested in her sister. Nobody wanted to risk becoming a social outcast by hanging out with the token handicapped girl in class, after all. The only people who would be friends with her were the class rep, Hikari, and the class's other otaku, Kensuke. They were literally the only friends she had in the world, and sometimes they seemed to avoid her just like everyone else. It'd be so much better if the world had never existed, or if the world was set up so that people like her could actually do something important or make friends…
Staring up at her collection of otaku goods, Rei started to sob, burying her face in her hands. Why did it have to be this way?
The next day, Rei decided to attend school, just to show the teacher that she still existed. She sat in her normal seat at the back, staring out the window and trying to ignore all the cruel comments the other students passed back and forth about her messy hair, her creepy pink eyes, and her assorted personality defects. She tried to focus on the birds, but even that wasn't working for her today. She couldn't stop hearing all of them, the hissing of their combined voices drilling past her normal defenses against the world and embedding their spite-filled statements in her mind. Finally, it was too much for her. At lunchtime she snuck away, going to sit in a nearby memorial garden. If she was lucky, she'd see some birds.
Rei sat on a bench, a sketchpad on her lap and a pencil in hand, looking around for something to draw. Drawing was one of the few therapy techniques that actually worked for her, as her second therapist had found out. Since he'd introduced her to art, she never went anywhere without paper and a drawing tool of some sort. The ink stains on her fingers from her fountain pens often drew mockery from her classmates, but in this instance she didn't mind. She could do something beautiful that they couldn't, so the mockery was worth it.
Rei's eyes locked on to a young man tending one of the flowerbeds. He appeared to be about her age, remarkably feminine, and most incredibly of all, he shared her pale skin and pink eyes. He was carefully digging up lilies that had died during the recent rains, obviously intending to replace them with the potted plants in a tray next to his knees. Rei quickly began sketching the boy, wanting to preserve this moment for the future. Something about him seemed almost ghostly, as if he might disappear into vapor with the next breeze. He was smiling slightly as he worked, his long and delicate fingers prodding carefully at the ground. He seemed to be taking great care with even the dead plants, as if each one had meaning to him that he wanted to preserve and respect.
It took her nearly half an hour to properly draw the boy, during which time he never left his position in the flowerbed. She dropped her pencil, staring at him as she slid the sketchbook back into her bag. He was like her, at least on the surface…maybe she could talk to him without the anxiety and fear that plagued her normal interactions with others. Maybe he could understand her…maybe he could make her less lonely. She stood, cautiously tiptoeing around small clusters of flowers as she made her way over to where he was still calmly planting, being careful not to step on any of his uprooted flowers.
Rei cleared her throat nervously. She almost never started conversations, and wasn't even really sure how to do so. A simple greeting seemed safe enough. "Hello."
The boy looked up, wiping his dirt-covered hands on the thighs of his jeans. He smiled at her, a warm smile that both surprised and comforted her. "Hello to you, too." He stood, looking up at the overcast sky, smiling as a light drizzle began. The mist on his skin almost seemed to shine, and Rei couldn't help but be amazed again at how ethereal this boy seemed. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"
He glanced down at her, eyes full of happiness and what she could have sworn was a bit of mischief. She found herself returning his smile, her fear slowly starting to erode. "I guess it is. Do you come here often?"
The boy nodded. "Once a week. I'm here every Thursday at about this time."
Rei absorbed the information, determined to remember it. "My name's Rei. What's yours?"
The boy smiled, extending a hand. "Kaworu. Kaworu Nagisa."
Rei glanced down at it, expression slightly distasteful. "Sorry. I don't like touching people." She cringed inwardly, waiting for the incredulous questions and mockery that were sure to follow. None came. Kaworu simply dropped his hand, still pleasantly smiling at her.
"I understand. I don't really like to either, but people seem to expect it more and more, so I try to be accommodating."
Rei blinked, shocked. That was exactly how she was most of the time. She tried to be accommodating and go along with what people wanted, even if it made her uncomfortable or even scared her. "So, who's this garden for?"
Kaworu's smile took on a slightly melancholy edge. "My mother. She died last year. Cancer."
Rei nodded. "My aunt Misato died of liver failure. I guess it's not really the same thing, but I kinda know how you feel."
Kaworu smiled softly, accepting the sympathy. "I'm glad you do. Since my mother died, I haven't really had anyone to talk to. It always seemed like she was the only one who understood me."
Rei couldn't help but smile at Kaworu. "I feel that way all the time. It seems like nobody really understands how I think or what I'm trying to say. It's so…"
"Lonely?" Kaworu smiled, completing the sentence for her. Rei nodded. "Exactly. It's like I'm the only person on Earth, even though I'm surrounded by other people."
Kaworu chuckled, glancing at the entrance to the memorial garden. "Rei…do you like coffee?"
Rei thought about this for a moment. "I don't think I've ever had it. Why?"
Kaworu hesitated momentarily, blushing slightly. "Well, there's a nice little coffee shop a few blocks from here. I was wondering if you'd like to go get a drink so we can talk more."
Rei froze, the impact of what he was saying finally penetrating her mind. He was asking her on a date. A boy was asking her on a date! She smiled, excited. "Sure. Lead the way!"
Kaworu looked incredibly relieved as he led her out of the memorial garden and into the street.
A blaring horn and the squeal of brakes were all she heard before everything dissolved into darkness and agonizing pain.
After several foggy false starts, Rei finally dragged herself back to consciousness, slowly looking around, groaning as sore muscles in her neck resisted the motion. She was in a hospital bed, that much she could tell. She couldn't move her left arm, as it seemed to be in a cast. More alarmingly, though, she couldn't feel her legs. She poked one of them slowly with her good hand, the complete lack of sensation causing her more alarm than any amount of pain could have. A doctor was standing at the end of the bed. She was a tall, well-built woman with bleach-blonde hair and glasses. Rei noticed she'd forgotten to bleach her eyebrows as well, giving her a ridiculous two-tone look. Rei couldn't help but laugh slightly, despite the seriousness of the situation. The doctor looked up, surprised to hear her patient making a sound. "You're awake. That's good. Can you hear what I'm saying?"
Rei nodded slowly and the woman continued. "Good. My name is Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. I'm you're attending physician right now. I'm afraid you've been in a very serious accident, Miss Ayanami. Do you remember anything about what happened?"
Rei thought about it, then slowly shook her head. She found it was hard to speak, and she had to exert considerable effort to form a sentence. "No…I don't remember anything…..just a car horn, and squealing…."
The doctor nodded. "You were hit by a car, I'm afraid. The driver says you walked right out into the road in front of her. Is that what really happened?"
Rei ground out another answer, one agonizingly difficult syllable at a time. "I'm not sure…..I was following Kaworu….we were going to get coffee."
Dr. Akagi blinked. "Kaworu? Who's that?"
Rei managed to muster a momentary annoyed look before it became too painful to hold. "The boy I was with….he looked like me…."
Dr. Akagi shook her head, muttering to herself as she made notes on a clipboard. "Rei, the driver only saw you. No one else."
Rei shook her head, definite. "She's wrong. I even drew him when I saw him. Look in my bag."
Dr. Akagi sighed, opening Rei's satchel, which was sitting in a storage cubicle. The sketchpad was empty, the paper that had once held a drawing of the boy now pristine. "There's no drawing here, Rei."
Rei's eyes widened in shock. She knew she hadn't imagined it. She couldn't have. Things in her imagination were always on an epic scale, with titanic battles of the ages going on in the sky above her, or a secret plot to destroy the world being derailed by a giant robot invasion at just the right time. She never imagined intimate encounters like the one she'd just had.
Dr. Akagi put the drawing pad down, speaking quietly. "I'm afraid you were quite severely injured in the accident, Rei. Your brain could still be suffering disturbances, including false memories. You sustained a severe concussion, several broken bones, and….." She visibly hesitated, not wanting to deliver this last piece of bad news. "And your spinal column was severely damaged. You'll be permanently paralyzed from the waist down."
Rei was still reeling from the revelation that the boy she'd met wasn't real. This additional horror completely crushed her. She began sobbing. Dr. Akagi tried to hug her, thinking this would help, but Rei pushed her away angrily. She didn't want comfort right now, not from some smarmy doctor who would casually tell her that she'd never walk again and that the only person she'd ever met who seemed to understand her was an illusion. She didn't want false reassurances and fake care. She hurt too much for that. This was a new kind of pain, something she'd never experienced before. She didn't know how to deal with it. The only thing she could think of was that the world shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be cruel and harsh, waiting to take any chance of happiness away from her. She needed to get it out, take her feelings and somehow distance herself from them so she could deal with them. She only knew one way to do that.
She spoke coldly, voice even despite the tears pouring from her eyes. "Give me my bag."
Dr. Akagi complied without argument, beginning to be afraid of this icy, pale girl. Rei pulled a well-used notebook from the bag. Flipping past pages of poetry and abandoned stories, she finally found a blank page and began to write.
It is the year 2015, and Shinji Ikari has just arrived in Tokyo-3. He doesn't know why he's there, save that his distant, work-obsessed father has summoned him…
THE END
(Author's Note, Part Deux: This story is partially based on my concept of the Eva characters in a real-world setting, and partially based on my own very personal experiences with Asperger's Autism. I tried to portray Rei as realistically as I could with that in mind as her diagnosis, and any faults or inaccuracies are either the result of me being unable to describe something accurately or just good ol' dramatic license.)