A/N: This story was written strictly for comedy's sake. I pictured an innocent Kuei discovering sex via Mai and Zuko (who knows why I imagined that) and couldn't banish the image. So, I had to write it. I hope someone out there enjoys it.

Kuei Awakens

The meetings had been painfully dull, what with the pretentious Earth Kingdom officials trying their hardest to prove they were much smarter than Zuko or Mai or both of them put together. And trade negotiations are boring by default; grain for fish or silks for spices, in varying amounts, everything written down exactingly and then signed and marked with the wax seal of each nation. It was part of being Fire Lord and visiting the other nations, wearing smiles on their faces was all part of fostering good relations between the once hated and maligned Fire Nation and the rest of the world. But Agni, was it dull.

With so many prying and cold eyes trained on them, Mai and Zuko found it difficult to brush their fingers against each other let alone hug or kiss. Their natural passion had to be restrained all day and it nearly killed both of them. And as if the meetings weren't enough, they had to suffer through a banquet with officials and their wives before they could finally retreat to their bedroom for the night.

King Kuei was a gracious host if a bit eccentric. His pet bear, Bosco, sat beside him at the head of the table and attracted nearly as much attention as the Fire Lord and the king himself.

"I hope you don't mind," the young king apologized. "It's just that Bosco and I have been through so much together. He really is my best friend."

"Yes, I seem to recall that," Mai remarked, then turned to Zuko and rolled her eyes.

"It's fine," Zuko placated the man.

"Oh, I'm so relieved," Kuei repied. He adjusted his hat and then his spectacles before picking the choicest bit of food off his plate and feeding it to the bear. Bosco let out a contented sort of groan before licking Kuei's fingers clean.

"How did this guy become leader again?" Mai whispered as she leaned in close to her husband of just a few weeks.

Zuko shrugged and the desire to press his lips to the long pale column of her bare neck was almost impossible to ignore. Mai was looking especially beautiful. She wore traditional Earth Kingdom robes in a dark, dark green. The bodice was tight fitted and showed off the curve of her breasts nicely. He wanted to reach out and touch and then smirked as he thought about the scandal that would cause. Her hair was piled on top of her head, held in place with an elaborate system of pins and combs that looked mind boggling complicated to Zuko. The little bits of ebony hair that had escaped brushed against her alabaster skin and his fingers itched to brush them aside. Agni, he wanted her right there and then and the noticeable tightening of his underwear confirmed those feelings.

"What's funny?" Mai asked after making small talk with the wife of the top general in the Earth Kingdom army. All he needed to do was let his glance linger on her breasts for a moment and then look out across the table. Mai understood and let a deep, throaty chuckle escape. "Wouldn't that be hysterical?" she agreed.

Kuei, who sat beside Zuko, was oblivious to all that went on between the young couple. He was six years older than the Fire Lord, but completely innocent when it came to matters of the heart and the matters of the body that accompanied them. Though King of the largest nation in the world, a king not just in name anymore, he'd never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl and hadn't been alone with any females but his mother and a few servants. Occasionally, something sparked inside and he felt a disturbing sort of urge that he promptly ignored. Life was complicated enough.

"I hope that you're enjoying the food; Bosco certainly is." He laughed merrily then, sounding almost like a child, and gave the bear another piece of meat.

"Yes, it's delicious," Zuko complimented graciously. His mind was definitely not on the copious amount of food that sat in lovely green serving trays and dishes. His appetite was for something else now and he was determined to find a way to satisfy it. "I am a bit tired, though, King Kuei, and would like to retire soon. All these meetings and all this talk have given me a bit of a headache. Mai, she knows how to make it go away."

"Yes," Mai agreed. "I give my husband a very special massage. It works wonders."

"Oh," Kuei exclaimed, his eyes widening behind the tiny spectacles he wore. "I would love to see a demonstration. I get headaches sometimes too. Perhaps one of my servants could help me out."

"Maybe one day," Mai replied pleasantly and with a perfectly straight face.

She and Zuko made their excuses and retired to their very comfortable quarters situated next to the Earth King's rooms. Mai began to disrobe immediately. She was anxious to get rid of the layers of silk and unpin her hair.

"Wait," Zuko implored. "Let me."

He quickly shed his own green formal robes and stood in the thin silk pants that he wore underneath. Zuko was almost completely hard now and Mai could see the outline of his cock as it strained valiantly against the fabric. She licked her lips in anticipation and beckoned her husband over.

"Undress me then," she said in a breathy little voice designed to drive Zuko crazy.

The Fire Lord's fingers trembled slightly as he untied sashes and undid tiny, intricately carved buttons. He wanted to simply tear the clothes off or better yet, with a flick of his wrist, set them alight and watch them fall to the floor as nothing more than ash. Mai would look like a phoenix then, risen from the flames. It was a beautiful image, an arousing one, and Zuko grew even harder. He reached down and adjusted himself before continuing.

Mai smirked but held her tongue. She enjoyed the power that she had over her husband; she didn't abuse it, but that didn't stop her from reveling in its sheer deliciousness. The feel of his calloused fingers brushing against her skin was giving Mai her own issues. Her steady, rhythmical breathing had become short, gasping sort of pants, and her own underwear was growing damper by the second.

When she stood in nothing but her breast bindings and green silken underpants, knives that glittered in the golden lantern light still strapped to arms and legs, Zuko stood back and admired her for a moment. "S, so beautiful," he stammered. No matter how many years they were together, Zuko would never get over the awe he felt in Mai's presence, the honour he felt at being chosen by her. He was the luckiest man in the world; of that he was irrevocably convinced.

Mai flushed, both from the compliment and her excitement. She reached up and caressed her own breasts through the restrictive bindings and shot Zuko a smoldering look. Taking the hint, the Fire Lord began to unwind the cloth, wrapping it carefully around his hand as he worked. When done, he stepped around Mai, placing the green cloth on the vanity and then stood right behind her. She could feel his breath, almost hot against her skin and she mewled helplessly. Zuko cupped her breasts, tweaking the hardened nipples, then began to kiss her neck.

"So, you owe me a 'massage', don't you?" he teased. He bit down hard then and Mai cried out both from the sudden pain and the incredibly powerful jolt of sensation that began in the pit of her stomach and worked its way quickly downwards.

She was incapable of speech for a moment but nodded her head and broke free of Zuko's hold. Whirling around, she pulled down Zuko's pants and he stepped out of them, more than eager to cooperate. Mai dropped to her knees and took Zuko's member in hand, beginning a series of slow, sensuous strokes, paying special attention to the sensitive head. Shuddering, the Fire Lord put a hand firmly on Mai, twining his fingers in the black hair he loved so much. He began to mutter incoherently but when he came, splattering Mai's hand with his seed, he shouted her name.

Dropping down to his own knees, Zuko pulled Mai close and kissed her hungrily, almost savagely. Their tongues entwined and this time it was Mai who grabbed hold of her lover's hair, wrapping her fingers tightly in his messy brown locks. She gave them a tug, hard, and Zuko yelped, biting down on her lip as payback. He licked away the tiny drop of blood that beaded on the tender pink flesh, then kissed her gently.

"On your back," he ordered and pressed her down onto the floor. She spread her legs automatically and Zuko grinned, almost cat like, as he got ready to pounce. He stroked himself lewdly, proud that he was already completely hard again.

"I see you know your place," he rasped. "Good girl."

It was a game they played sometimes, one dominating the other. It was fun and it was incredibly arousing and it had no ramifications in their daily lives. They were different but equals as far as both Mai and Zuko was concerned. But sex could be so many things and they tried to explore all the options.

"I do," Mai said sweetly and reached up for him, stroking the scarred side of his face with tenderness.

Zuko peeled of her underwear and tossed it aside before dropping down and thrusting into her with no further preamble. "That's what I like to hear," he groaned as he pulled out and then pounded into her again.

Mai rolled her head back and forth, the soft carpeting beneath providing a comfortable cushion. The combination of Zuko's fiery breath on her throat, the occasional kiss to her breasts and the relentless intrusion of her body was almost too much to bear. She screamed her orgasm, wrapping her legs around Zuko's back and using all her strength to draw him even closer to her. The sound of her release was all that Zuko needed and he followed shortly after, spilling hot streams into her channel.

They rested after, curled up together despite how warm each of them felt. "I hope we're not done yet," the Fire Lady purred. "I could go all night."

Zuko kissed her forehead then her eyelids, letting his breath ghost over her face. "Your wish is my command."

King Kuei of the Earth Kingdom retired to his rooms not long after Mai and Zuko did. Truth be told, he found formal banquets a bit intimidating still and the sooner they ended the happier he was. He bid a heartfelt farewell to all the couples at the huge table, made a gentle sort of clicking noise that instantly perked up Bosco's ears and left, bear in tow.

Once inside his luxurious chambers, he removed his heavy, uncomfortable robes and slipped into his sleep pants and a sleeveless tunic, all in pale green trimmed with yellow. He left his glasses on; they never came off until he blew out the lanterns and stretched out on his bed. Tomorrow morning, he would bathe. He couldn't be bothered now. Stifling a yawn, he reached for the book he had been reading for the past few nights and found his place.

For some reason unbeknownst to Kuei, the idea of the Fire Lady's special healing massage would not leave his mind. He thought about padding out into the hallway and knocking on their door. He really wanted that demonstration they had discussed earlier.

"Stop it Kuei; they're probably fast asleep by now. Goodness, they had a busy day and must be tired."

He read a few pages, almost fell asleep and then heard a strange moaning sound from the guest rooms.

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "I hope the Fire Lord or his lady isn't ill. Maybe the chef undercooked the meat again or didn't wash the vegetables. That would be terrible." The moans grew loader and seemed to be of both male and female voice. "It's both of them." Kuei sprung up from his bed, grabbed hold of his master key and rushed out into the hallway.

He put his ear up against Mai's and Zuko's door. The moaning continued but it didn't sound quite like any that Kuei had heard before. The closest sound he could associate with the one they made was the little grunt that escaped when a servant rubbed his tired feet. And that felt good. Clearly, the young couple was not experiencing any illness then. Perhaps it would be best if he went back to his own rooms.

But damn, his curiosity was piqued. Growing bolder, he called to them through the thick paneled door. "Hello, it's King Kuei here; are you all right? You seem to be making some strange noises."

He got no reply. The master key in his hand felt suddenly very heavy. With a gulp and a silent prayer, he inserted the key into the lock and entered the dimly lit room. What he saw made his green eyes bug out and his glasses mist over.

The Fire Lady was on the bed and she was completely naked but for gleaming knives strapped to her appendages. Her back was to him and her beautiful ebony hair was loose, falling almost to the curve of her bottom. She seemed to be sitting on something and she writhed about sensuously like one of the snakes Kuei had encountered during his tour of the Earth Kingdom. As the king took in more of the bed, he noticed legs and feet jutting out from beneath Mai's backside.

"Strange," he muttered quietly. He considered stepping back and leaving silently but something compelled him to take a few steps forward instead.

The moans came again, much louder when inside their room and they were definitely not sounds of pain. Kuei felt a strange tingling sensation in his nether regions and a flush heated up his cheeks. He could hardly stop from reaching into his pants and he had no idea why he wanted to do such an odd thing.

Mai began to rock back and forth more vigorously, dipping down every once in a while to press her face into the bed or into whomever lay beneath her.

"Well, it's the Fire Lord, of course," Kuei chastised himself. "If this is the massage they spoke of, it's not what I imagined. But, it is fascinating."

Mai groaned loudly as hands reached up and grabbed hold of something on her chest. She continued her rocking and began to mutter her husband's name over and over again. "Zuuuko, oh, Zuuuko."

The Fire Lord tried to gain some sort of purchase with his legs, placing his feet flat down on the bed. Then he thrust himself upward and grunted loudly. Steam was coming from somewhere and Kuei hoped there wasn't a fire. Goodness, it came from the Fire Lord himself, as if he was overheating. And the slightest flicker of flames could be seen in Zuko's hands. Hands that now rested on top of the green silk sheets.

"Are they on fire?' Kuei asked himself. He was worried now for the safety of his esteemed guests. If something should happened while they were in his palace, who knew what consequences would befall the Earth Kingdom. "I know what to do," he murmured and tiptoed into the bathroom.

A large basin of water sat on the counter. Kuei picked it up, walked over to the bed, shouted "Forgive me!" and doused the undulating couple. Their moans became shouts of surprise and anger. Mai removed herself from Zuko and Kuei stared at the Fire Lord's quickly wilting manhood.

"You were sitting on that?" he asked, mortified. But that tingling sensation hit again and his hand moved closer and closer to his own hardening member.

"You were watching us?" Zuko bellowed, flames curling around his fists.

"I, I thought that you were sick. I heard moans and, and then I thought you were on fire…." He didn't know what else to say. Clearly he had interrupted and gazed voyeuristically at something intensely private. He felt ashamed.

The Fire Lord paced back and forth along the gold runner that surrounded the massive bed. He was fuming and wanted nothing more than to punch the naïve bastard into oblivion. No one looked at his wife, not like that, not ever.

"Easy, Zuko; it's not that big a deal." Mai reached for a robe and wrapped herself up, throwing one to Zuko. "Kuei obviously has no experience with sex."

"Sex?" the king repeated.

"Yeah, I suggest you have a nice talk with someone you trust, your physician maybe or a friend. Ask him about it." She gave the king's groin a quick glance. "I think it's time you learned a few things."

Kuei flushed a deep magenta and pressed two hands against his manhood. "I, I," he stammered. "I'm so sorry. I won't disturb you again, ever."

He ran from the room and encountered guards in the hallway. "Is everything all right, my lord?" one of them asked with a bow. "We heard a commotion."

"Yes, yes, you see, I interrupted the sex." He pointed to the guest bedroom, proud now that he knew the word.

The guards exchanged knowing looks. "Oh, well, that's okay then. Maybe you should go back to your room." The guard's tone was slightly patronizing, but kind enough. "Maybe I can scrounge up a few books for you to read. In fact, I know just the one. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Just leave it outside the door," Kuei implored.

He wanted to do a little exploration of his own and did not want any interruptions.

"Whatever you wish, my lord." The guard left wearing a smirk.

"He's like twenty five and he's never heard of sex, let alone had it? Agni, how is that possible?" Zuko had calmed down and was back on the bed, the dry side, his arm wrapped around Mai who snuggled against him.

"I don't know. But I can't imagine not having this," she reached for Zuko's cock and gave it a squeeze, "in my life."

"Can we start again?' the Fire Lord asked hopefully.

Mai wriggled out of Zuko's hold, jumped up from the bed and slipped off her robe. "Does this answer your question?"

Zuko nodded mutely and Mai chuckled, leaning down to kiss her husband full on the lips.