I stared out into the night. Rain was slowly falling, in a gentle rhythm. It fell onto the fire escape next to me with a soft plink. A few stars could be seen, scattered in the sky. Their light wasn't shining very bright, just small twinkles. Small in the scheme of things. Just like me. I shifted forward on the fire escape outside my apartment. Slipping my hand out into the rains domain, feeling the cool caress it gave.

Wakin' up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night

But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

My life had been crazy for three years, ever since I started working as a bounty hunter. I couldn't regret it; I'd met some amazing people, and had some great times with them.

But I wondered if this was the way it would always be. Another car in flames, my clothes covered with another dumpster full.

I wondered if I'd ever have peace. If I would never have to worry about stalkers or people breaking into my meagre apartment.

If I could ever be sure, the people in my life would never hurt me again.

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in, it's all over me

They all meant well, I knew that. But they still hurt me, again and again. My mother, wanting me to have a happy life like hers so much, that it was the only kind of life she could see for me.

Morelli, wanting me to be safe, not risking my life so much that he was become overbearing. The cracks in our relationship were starting to widen. Our jobs clashed, our opinions clashed. Sure we had chemistry, but I needed more. I needed the support I'd had a lack of growing up in the Burg.

Ranger. The one word sent a shiver down my spine. He supported me. Most of the time. Told me he was proud of me, helped me, rescued me when things got tough. He supported me more than anyone I know.

But he made his stance on relationships very clear. He didn't do them, and I desperately wanted one with him. Admitting it to myself had taken months.

I couldn't do things halfway with him, he meant too much to me.

If Joe and I made a committed relationship for ourselves, it was likely Ranger would just slip away from my life. Just like he came, smoke. If we gave up on our yo-yo relationship, I'd be alone.

It would be a while before we could truly just be friends, and I'd have even less support than before. Be even lonelier.

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found

Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down

Ranger made me feel alive, made my body hum. He was incredibly attractive, everyone knew that. And he had the air of mystery. But I really cared about who he was underneath that.

How he felt, what made him happy, what he enjoyed, who he was close to in the world. If he was close to anyone.

He knew everything about me. He saw through every facade I put up, every lie I told.

I wanted him so badly, and I knew he felt something for me, hell, he said he love me, 'in his own way'. But I don't think he feels the way I do, like it's a little easier to breathe in his arms.

It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me

I felt like an intergalactic princess with him. I felt like wonder woman when I helped him.

I couldn't do anything but an all in relationship with Ranger, because he had so much of my heart, he could crush it in his hand. And he wouldn't even know. And I wouldn't be able to tell him, for fear he would send me away, or laugh at me.

I wanted to be loved unconditionally. For what would feel like the first time in my life.

I wanted that feeling, that if I was going to fall, I knew for certain, without any doubt, there would be someone to catch me, and take the hurt away.

I couldn't decide if it was a mistake to reconnect with Joe. If it was a mistake even to get this close to Ranger.

If I could back to three years ago, I still don't know what I would change. What could I? To make this mess okay.

I just want to be loved. I wanted to be able to fall into someone's arm at the end of the day, and let them make me forget everything. To just be with them.

I want that person to be Ranger. But I'm not sure if he's just the first guy that's in my life that could fill Joe's place. I'm not sure what is wrong and right anymore.

We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have

And all I know is
You've got to give me everything

Nothing less 'cause
You know I give you all of me

The rain was starting to subside. The summer night was still fairly warm, a breeze blew through the trees surrounding my apartment buildings parking lot, and the area fell silent for a moment.

I sighed. A deep exhale of breath that carried all my fears, worries, troubles and cares.

I stood, feeling the goose bumps spread over my skin. I shivered with the next breeze, closing my eyes and letting my head fall back.

I savored the feeling of just for a moment, being free, and enjoying the the quiet whilst it lasted.

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' over everything that I've got

'Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up

Stay up till four in the mornin' and the tears are pourin'
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doin' for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Give you all of me
Give you everything

17/6/16 - Amended

20/3/2017 - Amended