Title: Mixed Fellings
Characters: Ten/Rose eventually, this chapter just Ten, with reference to Ten/Rose
Rating: G
Warnings/Spoilers: Angst. No spoilers.
Summary: The Doctor tries to get his head around his recent behaviour, and figure out how he really feels about Rose. Set post TGITF
Authors Notes: Huge thanks as always go to Mme_de_Pompadour, over at Teaspoon, who, in a moment of madness, agreed to Beta for me, and as a result has to suffer my ramblings before the rest of you. Despite my reservations (this is the only one of my own fics that I don't like) she convinced me to post this. I only hope you can forgive us both.
Disclaimer: Not exactly all mine, see footnote for full info

What do I feel?

He'd blown it. Again.

He was getting remarkably good at that, he realised. After all the worrying he and Rose had done straight after his regeneration, they'd talked, a little at least, and things had settled back into something resembling "normal".

Ok, so he'd messed up his landing again, and they never did get to that concert, but they met Queen Victoria, and a werewolf of all things! Now that had been fun.

And then there'd been Sarah Jane, which had been brilliant and horrible all at the same time. He'd been over the moon to see her, but at the same time upset at the realisation of how his perceived abandonment of her had hurt her.

He'd been thrilled to introduce her to Rose too, for about half a second, until the questions started, and the looks. He might be a bit thick at times, despite his massive Time Lord brain, but he knew jealousy when he saw it. He hadn't missed the crack Mickey had made about "the missus and the ex" either.

He'd tried to explain, gave Rose the whole "curse of the Time Lords" speech, and Rassilon help him he'd almost confessed. He still wasn't sure what she thought the word on the end of that sentence was going to be, but he strongly suspected she knew exactlywhat he'd almost said.

So of course he'd panicked, invited Mickey along, despite knowing full well that Rose didn't want him there. She wanted to be alone with him, wanted to talk, that was pretty clear. Being his usual cowardly self of course, that was the very last thing he wanted to do at that point. So he'd brought Mickey along, hoping he'd act as a buffer of sorts.

And then...well then he'd gotten reallystupid. So much for that massive Time Lord brain huh? Yes, Reinette had caught him off guard when she'd kissed him, but he'd responded, almost instantly, kissing her back, raising his hand to grasp her waist and pull her closer, and not once did that little voice in his head have anything to say on the matter.

Oh and then...thenhe'd gone back through the fireplace, crowing about how he'd just snogged Madame De Pompadour, and Rose had clearly heard him. Despite all that though, she'd still seemed to support his decision on how to save Reinette, as least he thought she had.

When he finally returned, five and a half hours later, she seemed so pleased to see him, and what had he done? Turned right around and gone back for Reinette, leaving Rose standing there. When he returned the next time, alone, she'd barely spoken to him.

She'd gone off with Mickey, and was now probably asleep, tucked up in that bed he'd so often shared with her, and he felt...lost.

He'd contemplated heading for the library, but he knew that same book was waiting there for him, waiting to taunt him for his own stupidity. So he'd sat on the floor of the control room, with his back to the console, for so long he'd almost lost track of time.

He'd read Reinette's letter again, several times, trying to make sense of his feelings. At first he'd felt such loss, knowing he'd gotten back there too late, with no chance to say goodbye. At least he'd given Sarah Jane that, he thought.

Now he just felt...empty. He knew he hadn't truly felt anything for Reinette; she was a momentary distraction, a crush at best, an escape from his feelings for Rose at worst. He knew now what those feelings were, despite not being able to vocalise them even to himself, and they terrified him.

He also knew what Rose's feelings had been, at least until he'd behaved so badly. Now he suspected he truly had done enough to drive her away this time, and he didn't think there was anything he could do to fix it.

The TARDIS dimmed her lights, yet again, in an effort to get him to move, and do...something. Even she knew this was way beyond a simple plate of chocolate biscuits, but she clearly felt he ought to at least try to fix things.

With a very deep sigh, the Doctor dragged himself to his feet, and began to take the very long walk towards Rose's bedroom...

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. Original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. Please, do NOT reproduce this work in any format without the authors permission. Should you wish to share this work in any way, please contact the author directly.