Chapter 2: How to successfully torment the leader of the Autobots, by Sam, Lennox, and the gang.

Warning: Pure crack. I take no responsibly for any unwanted side effects caused by reading this story.

"Are you certain this is necessary, Captain Lennox?"

"Optimus, you guys were running around Chernobyl, for crying out loud. You're covered in radioactive dust."

"I have already submitted myself to five consecutive power-rinses."

"One more won't hurt."

"….The nozzle in your hand is delivering metallic paint designed specifically for scratch resistance. Not water."

"Weeell, you know… pink really IS your color."

"It is of the upmost importance that we continue to cooperate in the spirit of—"

"Pika."

"…What was that sound?"

"What sound? We didn't hear anything."

"Pika."

"There it is again."

"Optimus, are you sure you're feeling okay? Shake anything important loose during your, uh, late night spar with Ironhide?"

"Whoa, hold the phone, Sam! Are you saying Ironhide and the big guy….?"

"Pika."

"No. Way."

"Yes way."

"That anomalous noise is well within the hearing range of humans. Unless you have damaged your aural nerves, you must be able to hear it."

"Trying to deflect us won't work, Optimus. So spill it—what have you naughty mechs been getting up to? We want aaaalllll the details."

"Oh, this is going to be good."

"Pika."

"…The two of you either sustained brain damage during our last encounter with Decepticons, or you are trying to pull some sort of diabolical trick. I will not allow myself to be held hostage in this manner."

"Dude. That is so kinky."

"…er, I don't think I want that much detail, Optimus."

"Pikachu!"

"…I am sorely tempted to hate you both."

"Are you certain this is the correct way to perform the universal greeting?"

"Positive. Spread your fingers just a little bit wider…perfect. Now when you meet the president, what are you going to say?"

"Live long and prosper."

"Dear Optimus—

You are the sexiest beast this side of the galaxy. My cores overload whenever I see you with that big gun. I'd love to rub my exhaust pipe all over your shiny hood. Maybe we can get together and make a sparkling.

Rawr.

-Ironhide."

"….sometimes you scare me, Sam."

"…Now the sign should about seven feet tall, with the words 'Prime for President' written across the top. In really big letters."

"Certainly. But if I may ask…why is Optimus pink in this photograph? And what is that strange gesture he is making with his hand?"

"…Don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answer to, Wheeljack."

"Sam."

"Hmm?"

"There is a small, fiber-filled yellow creature in my trailer."

"…Aw, how sweet. But you know, Optimus, pets aren't allowed on base. Make sure Red doesn't see it."

"It is not a pet. And it most certainly isn't alive."

"Pika!"

"…Sounds like your pet is hungry, Optimus."

"It is not my pet."

"Chu…chu…"

"Wow. Way to be harsh, dude. You made it cry."

"Sam, it is an inanimate children's toy. It cannot cry."

"Chu…chu…"

"Sounds like it's crying to me."

"….I'm beginning to strongly suspect that you are involved in this somehow."

"Me? I'm hurt, Optimus. I'm not the one making your poor, unloved pet cry."

"That thing is not my pet. It is a stuffed replica of a cartoon character. And someone has used Wheeljack's experimental super-bonding gel to attach it to my weapons rack."

…

"Sam."

"….Hm?"

"You have yellow fibers stuck to your shirt. With super-bonding gel."

"…What's your point?"

"Pikachu!"

"….You can't prove anything."